Nathan's Thoughts: The New Beginnings

The Last

2008-06-17T18:42:00.003-05:00

It has been a good while since I last wrote, and I came to do some thinking as I was consciously refraining from updating my life here. I'm afraid that my online journaling has come to an end. This will probably be the last post I write, at least for a long long time. It just became something that I never intended it to become. Habitually I would pool all of my emotions into this space where everyone could read. They weren't well thought out and they weren't even consistent with my beliefs, but I wrote them anyways. It became ammo that people could use against me, but only because I gave it to them.

So I'll sum things up with what I'm doing next, and that will be the last of it. If you want to know about me, you'll just have to talk to me.

I'm formulating a plan. I've been in limbo for a good while now trying to figure out where the next move should be. I have so many options, but I'm now allowed much more time to make decisions than I used to be. So it might get a little hairy, but I want to take my time and formulate a plan that I feel that I can adhere to. That's harder said than done though. I like and dislike many different things, and when choosing the right path at this stage in life, it is important to take all of that into consideration. I suppose this journal and my college journal would be very good for that. They have served a purpose in documenting the strong and weak points of who I am, as well as my progress and regression.

All I've really figured out so far is that I could be anywhere in the world a year from now. I've let go of ideas of planting roots for now. I will go where I need to go, but it also needs to make sense for me to go there, to be useful and beneficial to more than just myself. Face it. Things here are going to change drastically in the next few months. I stayed because I loved the way things were, but things change. We shouldn't lament that too hard, it's just the way things happen. But we would be better to adapt, to know who we are and face the future with that understanding while still holding a place in our hearts for the things that were. I might just be talking out of my ass. It's completely possible that I will be called to stay here. But I don't know. I don't know when it will happen and how, but I feel something moving in me, and it's not dinner.

But I've manned up over the past few months. My attitude has changed and I don't let myself get depressed anymore. I still feel lingering shadows sometimes, but they are faint. I have begun to learn how to choose what it is that I think about and I'm getting better at it. I was becoming increasingly shallow, but I have now found that life isn't about me. The story is much bigger. So what will happen with all of that? I don't know. I don't pretend to. But it won't be written down here.

Peace and love

Fire Flies

2008-06-08T23:02:00.002-05:00

I had a great weekend. Today was great. I think it was supposed to happen this way. I was too poor to drive to Asheville to hang out with some of my friends who were going to meet me there, but I didn't get upset about that. I'll see them before the summer is out, I'm sure. Instead I spent time with Matt, Catherine, her parents, Kayla, and Natalie, who stopped by for a short visit this evening. I ran sound at church this morning and it went really well. I'm really becoming efficient and skilled at that. It can be hectic at times. What am I saying? It is always hectic, but the more I do it, the more I get used to it. And it sounded good, and there were no real problems. But afterwards we did the Pizza thing and then I went home and had a video chat with most of my family in NC, even my aunt and uncle from England and my toddler cousin Emilia... which coincidentally is the name of my tomato plant... funny, just thought of that. Not spelled the same though, but whatever. It was good to see everyone.

I spent a good bit of time after that just writing music and singing. I didn't come up with anything that I really liked, but I am still in love with the process of trying, even after all of these years. That led into a nap and then Kayla, Catherine, and her parents showed up for the cookout. It was a good time, and I mean that. I know that saying "it was a good time" is sort of trivial and I've probably overused that phrase in this journal several times, but I mean it. I just can't express it. It kept my mind off of work and the stress I've been finding there, all of my frustrations in finance and my future. That's what good times are supposed to do, right? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the walk we had at dusk through the golf course. It's firefly season now, so the field across the street really lights up starting at dusk. I went out there last night and just stood for several minutes looking out into the woods and up into the sky. I was trying to find constellations that I recognized. I found the big dipper. I don't remember if Orion is in the sky right now, but that's the other one that I can pick out pretty easily. The woods didn't really have constellations, but they might as well have. I mean if the fireflies just glowed constantly and hovered in one place, you could probably connect lines between them to draw some obscure picture that looks like something familiar. But the inconsistency and fluidity of their light is what makes them so interesting to watch

I don't know what anything I just said means to you, but to me it means one thing. I have peace right now in the midst of adversity. I know myself and I know God, and I know that I don't have to spend too much time worrying because I know that God will send opportunities my way, and I know that I will recognize them when they arrive. Does that mean that I'll feel good all of the time? Probably not. My mind still drifts and I still slosh back and forth in my short-term emotional bucket, but that's simply evidence of human passion. If anything should remind us that we are still alive, it should be that. But it's when that little short-term bucket becomes your world and what you see life through... I think that's when it becomes a problem.
That's a problem that I am familiar with, but I know now what gets me in, and I know what gets me out.

I'm different now. I don't think it's a change that is as noticeable in a mirror or even just by talking to me, but I feel it. I'm not who I was last year, and I'm not what most people feared I had become this year. I may still wear small traces of those times, but there's just something different now, and I really like it.

Here comes Holly. She's Matt's white cat. They're both a little skiddish, but Holly is the most uneven. I think she might be a bit brain damaged. She contorts herself at times in strange ways with confused look on her face, and she is easily scared by... well... pretty much anything. She also throws up on a regular basis and is very skinny, but she checks out at the Vet and she's been like that her entire life. Anyways, she has taken a liking to me. Not Elli. Elli doesn't come out of Matt's room. But Holly will sleep in my bed with me. Sometimes I don't like it because she'll sit on my chest and meow in my face. I just hisss really loud at her and she freaks out and runs away, but sometimes if she can manage to share this full-sized bed with me, I let her stay, even though she sheds. She releases hair almost like a smoke screen. Whenever she gets scared... POOF!

Anyways, I've been writing for a while now. I should really consider getting some hard sleep because I have a hard week ahead of me. But I'm ready.

We Gots Internet Now

2008-06-07T22:02:00.004-05:00

I've got the internet now at Matt and my place. It's been a long time coming, and it's probably been really good being disconnected from internet life for a while. I've had more time on my hands after work than what I'm used to, so I've been trying to figure out what to do with that time. We don't have cable, so I don't watch tv, and there's not much to do on this side of town, so I don't go out. I still work out, but that's about it. Other than that, I'm going to be looking for new pass-times.

Today was most excellent. I woke up and Catherine's parents came over and we all had breakfast (from the continental breakfast at their hotel... but hey, better than the breakfast I usually have, which is nothing). Then Matt and I watched The Office until his cousins came up from SC and a friend of theirs from China. He's pretty quiet, and I'm sure we probably are louder than his culture might be used to. Anyways, after Matt and his cousins went to the rock show in Portland (TN), I was home for an hour by myself. I took that time to sort through all of my crap and throw stuff out that I've kept for years for no reason. There is still stuff that I can't bring myself to part from, so I kept that in a small box that will... well, I don't know where it will go yet, but I'm not to that point. I have lots of crap. Lots of crap to throw away. I also cut the bushes around the house with my Ghana sword. A little unconventional, but I just wouldn't be setting the consistency of my character to my neighbors if I didn't do something awkward in my yard for all to see. I enjoy it...

But then Catherine and her parents came back and we had an evening of gardening and carpentry. Her dad built a shelf and the ladies and I tilled up the soil in some overgrown gardens in the front yard and we planted flowers and an herb garden. They bought me a tomato too! I don't think I've ever successfully kept a plant alive, but I'm going to try really hard this time. I would love to have my own little garden. That's a good pass-time.

After that I went to pick up Mitch from his place and we rode on my bike to pick up his bike that broke down last night at Belmont (dead battery). We had Mexican food and then came back here and watched a movie. Now we're all sitting in the living room hanging out... things just got kinda quiet. Well... whatever. That's the news right now.

Biking

2008-06-04T07:49:00.003-05:00

I've been riding my bike into work for the past several days as an attempts to save money on gas. I still really enjoy riding around and now I'm looking at a few projects for my bike in the near future. I want to be able to travel longer distances on it, so I'm thinking about getting saddle bags and a windshield, just for longer trips. I think saddle bags and windshields look dorky otherwise. I would also like to have the tail lowered, so I'm looking at the kit so I can do it myself. It shouldn't cost too much. The biggest thing is I need to take it in and get it tuned. I don't have an excuse anymore because I live walking distance from the Harley store. I can take it over there, drop it off, and walk back to my place. Having it tuned for the first time is supposed to make a huge difference.

Usually I don't like to talk about my close calls on my motorcycle. It's pretty much a given that you have them almost every time you get on. You expect it and drive defensively to prevent other people from ruining your day. But last night I had one that was just funny. It was a Cop this time. He turned left in front of me without looking. I gave him a look when I drove by so he decided to follow me. So then I turned really quickly into a side street and u-turned around and got behind him. A stupid game to play, but I went along with it. It was perfectly legal... but maybe I'm just a bit bitter from traffic school still.

Gotta get to work.

Pub

2008-06-02T22:23:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting at a small pub tucked away just around the corner from my house. You wouldn't expect to find a pub here. You'd expect to find a line of houses on this quiet street, and there are several houses, but all the same, a pub tucked in the middle. I got here just as they were closing the kitchen, but they still made me a burger. I got a Sam Addams to go along with it, and a water. I needed that.

I just got done with traffic school, and it was a giant waste of time, though the teacher was very good and exciting. The reason that I ended up in that classroom was because I knowingly broke the law and I got caught. I didn't need to be reminded of what the law was. I knew I was breaking it when I broke it, and I wasn't mad when I was caught. That's part of taking risk. You fail sometimes and you pay the consequences. But I feel that it is a weak excuse of a man who doesn't take a punishment for something he knowingly does. But I took the class, listened to people speak about the obvious dangers of driving, and then went my marry way.

Today ended up being one of those days where I have to fight my thoughts less they get the better of me. I have been rather content with the way things are going in my life right now. I love my new house, I relatively enjoy work, though I'm still planning other ventures on the side, and I'm feeling at peace with the new disciplines I have taken on in attempts to improve the darker sides of my life. But I have also accepted with peace the complications that my life has been yielding. As a result, I feel that I am getting stronger and more passionate. I'm not ready for my vocation yet, but I'm getting closer every day.

The New Place

2008-06-02T07:42:00.003-05:00

Writing at work again. We still don't have the internet, but it has been nice to vacate from modern communication for a while. Everything about the new place is quiet, and I like that. Matt and I are still working at getting things organized, but it is most certainly already livable.

I've been trying to figure out how to sleep in my new bed. It's so big. I'm not used to that. For the first few nights I confided myself to one side of it, but last night I just sprawled out all over it, and it was for the best. We have also decided to use the air conditioning, and though the bill might raise my forehead a bit, until that bill comes, I will be pretty comfortable knowing that it's not 85+ degrees in my bedroom.

Getting to know Matt's cats, Holly and Ellie, has been interesting. They're kinda weird. They hide under his bed all day and come out at night, but if you stand up, they'll freak out and run away. So I got this great idea yesterday to take them one at a time and put them with me in a closed room with no hiding places for ten minutes a cat. They didn't like that at all for the first several minutes. Ellie ended up slicing my right shoulder pretty good, but later last night they came out and sat on my lap and fell asleep, so I'd like to think we made some headway.

My morning routine has also developed some improvements. I wake up earlier now and have time to make my bed, eat breakfast, and have a little devotional before I head off to work. I also get to work about half an hour early so that I can spend some time organizing and prepping for the rest of the day. I like where this is going and I'll probably continue this trend down the line. I just have to adjust my bedtime. I still stay up until midnight.

Tonight I have traffic school, so I will have to miss out on going to the bar... and probably dinner as well, or at least dinner will be late. I'm going to try and make the best of it. I knew what I was doing was wrong, so I can't be rightfully angry that I got caught and have become inconvenienced.

Eric and Tara's wedding was great this weekend, and I am moved out of the Basement for good. That excites me.

This is Today Today

2008-05-28T16:43:00.002-05:00

I'm here at work writing because I don't have internet at my new place. I'm still working on getting out of the basement and hopefully will have accomplished the majority of that today. I don't like to have to keep going back there.

I'm getting the new bed this weekend which will be fantastic, but that being said, I need to really bump up my efforts on THROWING CRAP AWAY! I don't have much floor space in my room right now and I'm running out of time.

Weeman and Tara's wedding is this coming weekend. This marks the kickoff season for several weddings that I will either be in or at least attending. I think weddings are fun, especially being close friends with most of the people getting married. Food is also a plus. I love wedding food. Planning weddings sucks though. I feel sorry for those involved in wedding plans.

Yesterday I got a muffler kiss from my motorcycle on my leg. I have a huge blister the size of a silver dollar right on the inner side of my right lower calf. It's pretty gross. I think it will scar, but hopefully not all bubbled up like that. I should expect such things when I go riding in my short-shorts. Other than the risk of burning and road rash, it can be a safety plus though. Think about it. Seeing my angel-white thighs flashing through traffic would be like staring into the sun. I wouldn't even have to use my high-beams. At any rate, remember: Never dismount the bike on the right side! (It actually does look like a kiss mark too... Like some vicious woman sucked an enormous hickey into my leg).

Just got back into the gym again. It's been over a week and I was starting to feel it. I'm a little stiff today, but I'm going back. I got more "gettin big" to do.

But life is good in general right now. My new living space is really inspiring and quiet. I have a lot of new ideas floating around, work is steady, money is decent, and... well... I mean things are just good. My emotional well-being is incredibly balanced right now which for many of you might be hard to believe, but it's true. Maybe I'm growing up! Wouldn't THAT be exciting?

Home in NC (Drafted Last Weekend)

2008-05-25T18:38:00.003-05:00

Being in NC always provides a time for me to focus on the practicality of where I am and what I'm doing. I get really fueled up to change the world when I'm here, but I have to be careful and remember the reality of where I am and the purpose for why I am there at this moment. It's hard to understand sometimes that I have more time to accomplish my dreams than I give myself credit for. I do think that I'm undershooting myself right now. I have a lot of great potential, but I am comfortable right now. Why change? But I don't believe that God will allow me to stay comfortable with where I am. I'm learning. I can attest to that because of the immense sensation of pain that I just came out of. I know a lot more about myself now and I am more capable of handling what it is that the future may hold. But patience is a virtue.

I will enjoy the time I have with my friends and family, but I will also be preparing for the new season of my life that is at hand. Things are liable to change quickly.

Last Night in the Basement

2008-05-16T23:49:00.002-05:00

This is the last night I will spend in this room. Paul just told me that it's like I'm closing a chapter of my life. A lot has happened in this one year. It will be good to have new walls around me, ones that don't carry memory or blue paint.

I actually can't vouch for the fact that the walls aren't blue in my new room. I haven't ever stepped foot in this house before. I don't really care. I know the price, and I know Catherine approves of it being that she will be living there with Matt when they are married. I just know that I'm moving in tomorrow morning and the rest is really unimportant to me. I am an adaptive person... I don't know if I'll get everything over there tomorrow. I'll mostly just worry about the big stuff and then maybe move the small stuff later. We'll see. I'm throwing a lot of stuff out too. I want to start over. I want a clean slate. I am going to reinvent myself as best as I can.

I feel like I've been changing a lot over the past few months. I know I've been hurting and I've done and said things that I regret. If I haven't pissed you off yet, I thank you for your patience. I have pissed off a lot of people. But I'm changing for the better, at least it feels that way. I am entering a new environment that I think will be beneficial to my direction.

I'm That Type of Guy

2008-05-15T23:04:00.002-05:00

I worked a 14 hour day today, so I'm a little tired right now. I'll be doing it again tomorrow, but that's okay. It really doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I still get a confined feeling every once-in-a-while, but it dissipates when there are objectives to be achieved.

Last night I took this test that shows what kind of person you are. Viking talks about being a type 4 a lot so I decided to take a look and see what all this "type" stuff is about. After taking the test it will score you in several different categories.
1: Reformer
2: Helper
3: Motivator
4: Romantic
5: Thinker
6: Skeptic
7: Enthusiast
8:Leader
9: Peace Maker

You're only supposed to look at your top three high scores, but I tied with four of them as my top scores. As a Motivator, a Romantic, and an Enthusiast, I scored a 5, and as a Helper I scored a 7. I didn't agree with it at first, but then I thought about it a lot today. This is the diagram. Look over it and see if you agree with what I'm about to say, shoot, take the test for yourself and leave a comment on your results if you want. I'd be interested to know.

After a good bit of thought, I think that I am a Helper (type 2) by nature. Looking back on my life and understanding how I deal with things, I can definitely see that. The word "manipulative" jumped out at me. I also think that my sense of guild plays into this, and my love language is definitely words of affirmation that I need on a regular basis. I fantasize about leaving my life behind to go and help people who would truly want my help. I function well in widespread crisis, specifically medical emergencies. I want to be helpful and I know that being calm is the best way. I try and give advice because I want to help. I worry a lot about how other people are feeling. A lot of that is how I am, and I can accept that.

Being a Motivator (type 3) mostly comes into play in work related environments. I prefer working alone, I look for the most efficient ways to do things, and I tend to get very frustrated when working with people who aren't efficient. I am upbeat at times, and I can balance a lot of different activities on my plate. I like objective criticism as long as it is gentle. This type compliments being a Helper in my opinion.

Being an Enthusiast (type 7)... I would say that I'm more of this than Motivator. I'd almost say that I'm more of this than I am of a Helper, but you can decide that for yourself. This compliments the other two well also. Story telling, adventures, roaming off on my own for the sake of the experience, getting lost in my plans ideals and fantasies, not being able to specialize, feeling confined in one to one relationships... You don't have to tell me about this type. This is the essence of who I am most of the time. I do feel confined by lots of things. I feel like I was made for something more than what I have achieved, so I keep the goal above my head at all times. Being a motivator helps me get there, and being a helper keeps me balanced.

Being a Romantic (type 4) is what throws a stick in my spokes. This is what gives me a duality and prevents me from faster progress. I am an introspect. I don't ride the progressive extrovert train for too long before I become enveloped in myself. I tend to be an unhealthy romantic which is what makes this all a bad blend. The dark moods, the guilt, projecting emotions onto other people... all of that gets tiresome, but I cannot deny that about myself. It is a part of who I am. I just want to be a more healthy romantic. I could see the benefit in that.

This all has given me a lot of interesting things to think about. I want to know myself because I think that the more you know yourself, the less volatile and destructive you become. It's all a part of that discipline I was talking about. But the danger rests in becoming so introspective that you get lost in yourself. I believe that the soul of man is eternal. Where it spends eternity is up to you and the Maker, but being that it is an eternal soul, I don't believe that a lifetime is enough to get to the bottom of it. Digging too deep can lead to confusion and not knowing how to get out of a hole deeper than you might have wanted to dig. I am not in it for that journey, but for the journey of self contentment in the one life that I have. Eternity will continue to yield the secrets of our souls, I think. So... no hurry and no worry.

Maybe Not So New After All

2008-05-14T23:04:00.002-05:00

I've been on a writing kick. I've written several journals in a row and they just keep on coming. That's not to say that I have anything of great importance to say, but more to say... that I just feel like saying something.

I'm learning how to combat my thoughts during the day. I'm praying more. If I start to sway or tilt in the direction of negative thinking I just start to pray. I know God isn't going to let me try and lift this on my own. I'm stubborn like that. I'll definitely try if He doesn't stop me. But the deeper I go with this, the more I realize how dark my thoughts are and how I've just let them have free reign over my life for so long. Learning to live in the freedom of Christ is a valuable lesson and it teaches us that the law has no place in our lives. But following the law and having discipline are two different things. Discipline harnesses our wisdom. You can be wise and not really use the wisdom. That's called being lazy. But disciplining yourself to remember your wisdom is important because surprisingly wisdom and freedom can co-exist.

Today I was reminded of the time I tried to kill myself when I was in the third grade. Don't get super freaked out or anything. I wasn't contemplating it again. Work isn't that bad. It just popped in there all of a sudden like an "Oh yeah, I remember that. What was I thinking?" kind of thought. I haven't really told many people about that, partly because I never really figured it out. What gets into a third-grader's mind to inspire suicide? My life was good, nothing really bad happened to me that day, but I had a darkness creep over me that has never sense been rivaled. It was the feeling of complete loneliness, like no one cared anymore and that I was doomed to face the rest of my life in a cold dark place. Everything seemed fake, people's happiness, compliments, everything. I walked outside when it was just my brother and sister and I home. My brother and sister were old enough at the time to watch me without adult supervision, but they didn't watch me closely. Why would they? I never go into serious trouble as a kid. But I walked outside and I made a noose (or a knot. I don't really think I knew how to tie a noose when I was in the third grade). I took it and I flung it over a dogwood tree hanging over the driveway and I put it around my neck. I tightened it up and I watched cars pass by on the road. None of them stopped or were concerned. I started to cry. For some reason I felt like death would have been such a relief. Then, my mom pulled into the driveway. She saw what was going on. I don't think it was too hard to decipher. She responded with anger at first. She grabbed me, took the noose off of my neck and drug me inside the house. She took me to the bathroom and threw me in the shower with my cloths on and she turned on the cold water. Then she slammed the door and went hunting for my brother and sister. I heard a lot of yelling and then I realized as the cold water was hitting me in the face what I had been doing. I felt so ashamed. I cried even more.

I would let it be known that no matter how dark life seems, I would never try to hurt myself again. I don't know what got into me that day. It was like I was gripped around the throat.

On a brighter note, I wrote a new song today. I don't have any means to record it right now, but when I do... I will. Also, I have three days until I move... and I haven't packed anything yet. I mean most of my stuff is confined to one room, so it shouldn't be too big of an ordeal, but that'll all happen Saturday. Right now I'm enjoying my evenings. I go work out and then I do something else... like writing music or hanging out with friends. Going to bed now. Peace.

Good Confrontation

2008-05-13T22:39:00.004-05:00

I'm still on a tired kick. I don't think I have mono, but whatever. My body is just dealing with the new season... A lot like my car come to think of it.

I had garlic bread pizza for dinner. Turns out when they say garlic bread, they actually mean that they mixed some bread in with the garlic. I need to start cooking again, but I'm lazy right now and I rather enjoy it.

The gym gets crowded at six. I did a good bit of standing in line waiting for equipment to open up today. Perhaps this is good as I have the tendency to overwork myself when I feel the way I've been feeling lately. I don't understand the sudden crowd. All the college kids went home, so that means that Nashville is supposed to be less crowded. Not so. I still had a good workout though. I was alone, but when I work out, I really don't tend to dwell on negative things. I mostly just concentrate on kicking my own ass.

I was confrontational at work today which ended up being a good thing. I have no right to be angry with someone if I won't even be fair enough to take that anger to them so that they can verify its validity. Turns out the guy ended up respecting me a little more for the rest of the day which was great.

I move very soon. It will be good to get out of this basement. I want a yard again. I want a place untouched by memory. It'll be a small reinvention of myself, but that's all I need. I just want to feel creative again.

Changing the Subject

2008-05-12T22:49:00.002-05:00

It took a considerable amount of focus for me to not grumble at work today. Funny how it takes someone to point something out to us before we realize how immersed in it we are. I think complaining destroys character faster than any one thing, and I tend to complain a lot, especially on this, my online journal.

Someone close to me told me recently that this journal was silly. I deserved the slam for sure because I used this journal as a means to hurt them. The words that were said weren't very strong, and they didn't need to be. When someone never uses strong words towards you, and then all of the sudden they do, it doesn't matter what kind of words are used to express their frustration or anger. The tone behind the words is what does the cutting, and it cuts deep.

Should I stop writing? What is the point of this? I never even go back and read any of what I write when I'm done. It just seems like it does more harm than good, mostly... because I use it to do more harm than good. I don't even practice good writing skill when I journal. Frustration and confusion abound.

I get so tired of who I am sometimes. I get so tired of the situations I end up in, and by my own hand at that. I get so tired of wrestling with my failures every day if I get too quiet or I am left alone. But all in all, it's been a long time since I've felt like this. The only reason I feel like I'm not going insane is because the last time this happened to me... well... I pulled out of it. It took five damn years, but I pulled out of it

So once again, I'm complaining. Let's change the subject.

I'm listening to a band called Hem right now. I am so in love with this woman's voice. The album is Eveningland, but Rabbit Songs is a good one too. Between her and the girl from the Weepies... well I just get confused as to which one I would have sing me to sleep at night if I had three wishes. The other two wishes would probably be a fully furnished house with hardwood floors on the outer banks of NC and then the ability to transport to any part of the world at any time.

Here's some good news, at least for me. I'm getting a bed. I'm getting a real-life double sized bed. I'm also getting it for $100. I'm happy about that because I haven't had a reasonable bed since I moved out of my parents house when I was 19. Okay, so the font just changed and I can't ... wait... never mind, it changed back. Odd. But yeah, I'm at least thankful that I've had something to sleep on for the better part of this year. Last year I didn't have anything comparable to a bed period. Also speaking of last year, Brown Recluse spiders... I killed the first one of this season today. Where was it? Well, a bunch of us, and by us I mean Andy and friends along with Paul, Matt, and Viking, went on an evening walk. When we got back, I staggered about my keys trying to find the right one to unlock the door in the dark. I eventually got the door open and we all walked in except for Paul.
"Did any of you guys see this?", He said pointing to an object in the doorway. "Is that a brown recluse?"
"Nah, they don't make webs" I said, thinking that it had a web in the doorway. I got closer and realized that there was no web, it was just hanging at eye level right in the middle of the door. "Yep, that's a brown recluse. Dammit." I killed it. They're back for the warm season. I should have known better when I saw all of the other bugs that have been hanging around lately begin to disappear. Well... I'm out of here in a few days anyways. I should be alright. Doesn't mean my skin feels any less creepy-crawly.

Sleepy time.

Don't Give Up on Me

2008-05-11T23:13:00.003-05:00

I was so tired this weekend, and I still am. I don't know why my body needed to relax so much, but I'll trust it I suppose. I hope I can have a good attitude about work tomorrow. Sometimes it is hard for me to, especially when I had such a good night the day before. My friends from Asheville are here, and they get along great with my friends from here. Makes me feel kinda sane, like I'm consistent and not as screwed up as I feel like I am sometimes.

I talked with a friend at church today. He's a touring artist with a pretty solid career, and I think it's only going to get bigger. I wanted him to know what a blessing one of his songs has been to me. It's from an album coming out this fall, and the name of the song is "Don't Give Up on Me". It returns me to a place of humble reality. He wrote it for his wife, and it talks about how he loves her, but sometimes it's not the best that he can, and he pleads with her not to give up on him because he won't give up on her. Well, I'm not married, but I find it to be so true with my relationship with God. My prayer is a pleading with Him not to give up on me. Lots of people have in my life. Some haven't, but I feel like they would if they knew the depths of my heart. That gets pretty intimidating when talking about God. He does know the depths of my heart. I tend to destroy love in fits of irrational rage in my life. Entire relationships that have taken years to grow I can sacrifice in a moment's notice because I confuse anger with not caring anymore, and I confuse anger with truth. King David was angry, which is why God did not allow him to build the Temple. God said he was too much of a warrior.

But my friend was compassionate to me even though I never told him the details of my hurting. I think someone else did. But he told me that he understood why I still was hurting. He said that lots of people wouldn't, but he did. I could tell he had been in a similar place. He holds relationship in the highest light of his life, but unlike me, he doesn't feel like that leaves him vulnerable. He said that for guys like us it is normal, and we shouldn't try to hide it. He said that pain was actually the source of his poetry and his ministry. Beauty becomes unmistakable in the midst of pain. I believe that. It was good to look someone in the eye and know that they understood me. Like having consistent friendships, it made me feel normal. Sometimes I need to feel normal.

Sat Her Dae

2008-05-10T23:09:00.002-05:00

I was lazy today. I didn't go to the gym, didn't really do any of the things I should have done. I needed to be lazy for a Saturday. I did go see Natalie graduate, I did get outside and I took a nap at the park. I also rode my motorcycle out into the country. That all came before a nice long nap and then a cookout. But all in all, a pretty lazy day.

I just was outside sitting in a pretty rough storm blowing over head. I've always loved storms, and in each of the places I've lived, I can always remember one in my mind that sticks out. The one that I'll always remember from here happened last year just shortly after I graduated from Belmont. It wasn't particularly bad. It was mostly just rain, but it happened at a very precise time, making me think that perhaps this rain had significant meaning to me and my life. Now my deeper thoughts on that I shall keep private. It was special though, that much is true.

My dreams have been lighter for the past few days. They can still be pretty vivid, but they have been replaced in nature by something good instead of something painful. I look forward to going to sleep now because there is a chance that the dream will come again. It makes me wake up in a good mood even thought it is completely off base. I have to remind myself that the dream isn't at all based on the reality of the situation of my life, but I enjoy it none-the-less.

I'm fading fast. Later

Dead People Friday

2008-05-09T13:09:00.001-05:00

The First Video Post

2008-05-08T23:30:00.005-05:00

I wrote earlier today, and I'm writing again. I feel brimming with a new understanding, like I just woke up and everything makes amazing sense. I am discouraged at how easily I hurt the ones closest to me. I get even more discouraged at how I have used this journal to do it. I say things here because I don't feel like it has any consequence. I forget sometimes that it's public and I forget sometimes that just because I think it, doesn't mean that it's legitamate. Sometimes it takes someone to be verbally upset with me in order for me to realize that I'm wrong, but I don't get that too often. At the very foundation of all of this, I should really be careful of the thoughts in my heart that I listen to, because a lot of the time they're just not true.

But a new perspective has hit me this week like a cement truck. It's a hopeful perspective that might just be the hand of God pulling me out of this hole I have dug for myself.

I've Been Hiding this for Too Long

2008-05-08T17:36:00.005-05:00

Have we talked yet about how messed up I can be. Let me set a few things straight, if I may. I have hurt several people in my life based upon lies that I created in order to create footholds for me to use as a way to climb out of the shithole I dig for myself when I'm hurt. So here's the truth.

Becca was the first. I cared for her and I know she cared for me, but we were young, and I had no idea what a girlfriend was for at the time. She moved on, plain and simple. She didn't feel comfortable telling me all of her life's secrets because I was a judgmental ass back then. I thought smoking was evil. I thought drinking was evil. I don't talk to people who are like what I was back then now, so why would I be so surprised. But it didn't matter. I spread lies about her that tore her apart, and she was very gracious in retrospect. She's gone now, I don't know what she's doing, only by rumors. We don't do well around each other anymore, and to blame? Me.

Catherine came next. We were together for a short time, but I piled way too much emotional baggage on her. I was in a confused place in my life and she wasn't there to fill that void. No person could have filled that void. When she moved on and she told me exactly how she felt I was outraged. I felt abandoned and small. It was in complete harmony with who I was to take it out on her. It took me that long to know I had a problem. I said things about her that you wouldn't believe, all of which were complete lies. I laughed and made jokes and did whatever I could to make her hurt. I thought it would make me feel strong to see her in pain. She broke down and cried one night and all of my friends came to me. I was still proud. They sat me down and explained to me that I had a problem and I was resentful, of course. It wasn't until she was leaving for France the next year that I broke from that darkness. She came that day to Belmont to say goodbye to everyone, but I couldn't talk to her or look at her. Then, I was on the other side of campus and I began to run back. That's when it happened. I knew I was wrong and I felt such pain and sorrow for what I had done. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, to give her a hug, to tell her how I really felt. She was gone. She was already on the plane when I called her cell phone. Her sister answered and told me that. I had to wait a year in order to tell her face-to-face. How she managed to forgive me for all of that, I will never know. She did though. We're great friends now and I'm so happy to see her marry Matt. They are truly in deep deep love.

The most recent, and the closest of these women to my heart was Lindsay. She came to me nervous that night to tell me how she felt. She couldn't keep trying because she wasn't sure if there was anything there. I had a peace about it, I told her that it would be wise for us to step back then and that I was encouraged because of the peace that we both had about it. She gave me some of my stuff that was left over at her house, and then drove off. I cried later that night but I accepted the pain. I was surprised with myself. I went to her place again, as hard as it was, to say my last goodbye to her. She was already packed up and ready to leave. Her room was completely empty, and she was excited. I became filled with memory of what we used to share, and I knew it was gone. I was hurt, coiled up inside, but I wanted to be as strong as I could for her. She didn't deserve to have me break down in front of her. We said goodbye, and I never cried so hard in my life as I did on the way home, other than the time that Phill died. I cried harder then. But I couldn't believe that she was gone. It didn't take long though, for the pain to sneak in and whisper into my ear. I always listen. If I were to say these things I would feel justified, and I would feel better. She left, she was wrong, she wanted to hurt me, she treated me badly, she lied, she is the enemy. I wrote those words down right here and with a glare in my eye, blood boiling, hoping that everyone would join my side and feel sorry for me. But everyone knew better. They saw the way I treated Catherine, and they knew. I've been confronted on it, and now I know that I have hurt her. I destroy people and I am weak. I am a coward. Everything about our relationship was beautiful. She cared more deeply for me than any woman ever has, than any woman could ever be expected to. What is more, she put up with me in my worst. She toughed it out until she just didn't have the strength anymore, and she didn't want to hurt me, but I hurt her... without justification... to satisfy my own selfish needs. I objectified her and I will never feel peace about that.

I know God is capable of forgiving even the most evil men for their actions. I know He has forgiven me because I have not felt forsaken through all of this. He knows my heart and knows the root of my actions even when I don't. But to be forgiven by Lindsay for what I have done against her, I cannot expect that. She is human just like me, and not only that, I betrayed her in the deepest way possible. I knew how she felt and I lied to the world. I tore down her innocence, like a true coward, to protect myself.

I pray that the Lord teach me to be stronger than this. I don't ever want to see that side of myself again.

Talk. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Don't ever do what I have done.

Hard Thoughts to Beat

2008-05-07T22:31:00.002-05:00

It's Wednesday night. I can't get a hold of time right now. It's going too fast. The past two days just didn't seem to exist, and every time I wake up, it seems like it's night time, just before I'm supposed to go to bed.

I think the week is going fast because I'm burying a bit of hurt. I'm still really struggling with the absence of Lindsay. I go back and forth with myself about her and it just leaves me spent and dry. I miss her. I can say that honestly. I know I've said a lot in my anger, but I miss her. I miss what we had. But nothing can be done of that now. I think back to situations that were probably the deciding factor in our separation, and I feel that if I had only responded in a different way, maybe things would be different now, but they aren't. This is reality. She's not away on a long trip, she's gone.

Mitch and I were talking about that yesterday just before we started washing our bikes (which brought the rain I should add). From everything I told him about what I knew about Lindsay, how she hid so much of her problems from me and she expected me to drill them out of her, he said that she probably wasn't as at peace about it as she was trying to make me think she was. She probably is torn up about it too, but she's the kind of person that will never let it show to anyone. I have to take comfort in that because to think that it was meaningless to her really destroys me. Who knows, maybe that's what she wanted all along, for me to feel destroyed. But I can't think of it that way. I have to make my own reality.

On a more positive note, it's times like these where music gains a new meaning to me. I listen more to the words, to the feel of the song, and I relate to the emotion conveyed a great deal stronger than I would if everything were just fine in my life. I have always poured myself out through music, and that's what I'm doing now in my time of need.

On a more "every-day" note, I am moving into a new house next week. I have to box up my stuff here at some point, and I also have to meet the new landlord so he can approve of me. He seems to be a bit unstable. He told Catherine when they were alone that he had "a gun in his truck." If he pulls that with me, that's fine. I can take it. But to tell a young girl that, in my mind, sets me on edge to the point of I might say something if it comes up. That is inexcusable. Catherine is a nice sweet woman who doesn't have an intimidating bone in her body. But we'll see what happens. I am going to try hard not to have a preconceived notion about him, to try and understand where it is he's coming from. That's the best I can do.

Oh, this past weekend's CBC men's retreat to Asheville was great. I got to see my dad and brother and lots of friends. I needed to be there because I needed to get out of all of these memories and be with people who could see past all of that, people who weren't involved.
I felt some sense of direction, but I'm still a little hazy as to where I go from here. I could literally go anywhere. The motorcycle trip there and back was a little rough, and honestly I prepare myself spiritually and mentally for the worst whenever I get on my bike for that long, but I always remember how much more safe it is on the highway than on the city streets. People look out for me, and there is a lot more space for me to maneuver. I did lose my passenger hat at 80 mph though, and I was behind someone who had a blowout and who threw tire all over the place. Fortunately I missed it all. I was also able to meet up with some bikers for a while and we rode in formation which is a lot safer than riding alone. It was tiring though, so chances are I won't be doing that again any time soon.

So now it's down to facing another night of possible nightmares about Lindsay, another day of being bombarded by the good memories we had. I can't remember the bad all that well anymore. That's just the way my mind works. If only it could have been different. I really did love that girl.
Peace and love.

Ideal

2008-05-01T22:18:00.002-05:00

I'm getting restless and I know that this weekend's retreat is only going to complicate things even more for me. For a while after school I never acted on my restlessness because I had Lindsay here to think about and stay around for, but I think that was a season that needed to exist. Now, however, I feel like I could go and do something intense. I feel like that's what my life is for. I don't feel comfortable in the American dream at all. Everyone just seems like they're reaching out for something better than what they already have, and I can feel myself coasting along with that tide.

I have great friends in Nashville, but I don't know if what I am looking for can be found here. For a while I thought it was a relationship, maybe a family. That doesn't seem like it will be in the cards for me though, at least not here and now. But there is much more to be had out of life than that anyways. I've pretty much ruled out money. I've seen the riches places and the poorest places in my life and I envy the poor much more than the rich.

Ah but am I ready? I got frustrated the other night because my ideal for staying here seemed to be bashed upon the rocks. But then I also take a step back and think about my ideal for here seems a great deal similar to my ideal of all the places I have been. So can I let go of my ideal? Can I have a new ideal with more purpose, drive, and intensity than what I have now? That's what I want. I want clarity and a new drive with more purpose and more call upon my potential.

Night Mayer

2008-04-30T22:47:00.002-05:00

I had a pretty intense night mayer last night, one that kept me tossing, turning, waking up, sweating, all the works. I don't know where it came from. I was thinking on it all day and I just couldn't figure it out.

It was about a virus. If you got infected by this virus you would die in a matter of minutes unless cared for. In a summary, people around me were dropping like flies. The virus would super dehydrate you and you would be left a wrinkly green sack of skin and bones. I was curious as to how it was all connected so I investigated at the hospital and I found a crazy lady in the basement who sacrificed an animal every day and put the carcass in a pile of dead animals, poured something over it and then would go about her business. When I found it she was coming in behind me, so I hid in the pile of dead animals until she was gone. I went home and showered and the next morning when I woke up I had all of these veins visible in my arms that were turning forest green and my eyes were bleeding. I had my dad rush me to the hospital but I was trying to tell him how to get to Baptist so I didn't have to go to Vanderbilt where the infection was spreading from. When I was in the car I flipped down the visor to look in the mirror and my face was turning green and my eyes were brown and wrinkling with large cataracts forming over my pupils. When we go to the hospital they were actually trying to process me through triage... I was so pissed off that I woke up.

I had over slept my first alarm, but I set my other one and it woke me up on time. I need to get more rest. I'm so tired in the mornings.

I have a good bit I could talk about right now, but I'm too tired. I think I'm just going to go to bed for now. Peace and love.

Deeper Dreams

2008-04-28T22:57:00.002-05:00

I'm enjoying a hot cup of tea right now. It's been several months since I've had a hot cup of tea. I just felt like it might be a good way to end the day. Seems to be a little bit more chilly than what has been common for the past week or so. It rained as soon as I got off of work, but I didn't really mind too much. I wasn't really expecting to be outside for any reason other than riding, and I rode my motorcycle enough this past weekend to subside the bug, so again, no bother. I've been feeling happy for several days now, and as I tell Paul, it seems to be a rather irrational happiness. I have a lot I could be upset about. I still think about Lindsay and what she is doing and experiencing without me, especially at night, but it hasn't been having the same drastic effect on me as it usually does. I can only account for her memory as a fading aroma, something that will dramatically dissipate once I move out of this apartment in a couple of weeks. I'm really looking forward to that, though it is no permanent fix. I'm moving in with Matt in a house at Sylvin Park on the west side of town. It's a rougher neighborhood, but the house itself looks out over a beautiful golf course that I really enjoy walking on at night. I've written journals on it before. I think that side of town better fits me in general. I mean I suppose where I live now has its ups and downs. Lots of my friends live around this area, and in the warm season, when you drive down the street, there is never a shortage of beautiful women out jogging for miles and miles. I'll miss those things, but there are also plenty of good things to be said about West Nashville too. I actually hope I can find a place over in that area when I have to move out of the house in October.

Paul has been helping me dig deep into my head about the issues I've been having with women lately. We talk about it for at least a little bit every time we go to the gym, and he's very observant and insightful on how I behave. I can see the road I'm on now going nowhere good. I have begun to understand to a small degree the objectification of women to men and men to women. It comes from pain and numbness. A lot of my "confidence" which has gotten me a good bit of attention lately, is in all honestly a sense of apathy and my thinking that these women couldn't possibly hurt me because I don't care about them, therefore, why would I not have confidence around them? Women love confidence, but confidence has several faces. And then Melissa called me out. She saw some things in me that didn't quite add up. She and I have both been hurt in a similar way, so I think that's what tipped her off. But she really knew how to drive it home, and so I've been spending a fair amount of time every day since Friday thinking on that.

Ah, but here's the kicker. Saturday night I had a dream that reminded me, along with Melissa, that I'm really not as cold as I make myself out to be. I've seen down that road, but that's not who I really am. So the dream, yeah.

I have a friend who I really care about and who I've been interested in before, but I just didn't get the feel that the interest was returned. Anyways, she paints, and in the dream she painted this beautiful picture for an art exhibit. I mean it was really vivid and I remember what it looks like and I'm trying to draw it out even though I have no drawing talent at all. But she finished it and turned it in and for some stupid reason that had nothing to do with the visual integrity of the picture, they wouldn't accept it. She was really hurt and she just cried really hard and I held her and legitimately and unselfishly felt pain for her and wanted to comfort her. The whole time she was crying I was just holding her and looking at the picture in awe of what she was able to create.

Now in a way that dream was a little unfair. It was vivid and seemingly real, so when I woke up the emotions didn't die off. I spent a good part of the day very concerned for her and hoping she was okay, even though nothing actually happened. A part of me hoped that she had the dream too, but that's stupid, a lot of our interaction in the dream wasn't even her personality. The important thing to remember is that these dreams aren't real, they just show us things that our subconscious realizes that we wouldn't necessarily recognize on the surface, especially about ourselves. What this particular dream told me is that I still have the capacity, buried somewhere under all of this failure and pain, to love someone genuinely and without hesitation. I didn't even have that with Lindsay. Every interaction between us was compromised by doubt in my mind. She knew it too, which made things rather awkward.

So why am I happy? I've realized that I have the ability to control what it is that I dwell on during the day. I don't have to dwell on such serious things all of the time. I can just think of the good things and smile, and I can do that whenever I feel like it. It's going to take some practice to get started, but I like that direction. It has really lightened my load.

Blunt Truth

2008-04-27T23:41:00.002-05:00

Through this weekend I feel like I've really come to an amazing place in my heart. I feel a bit different and a bit more aware of the changes that have taken place in me over the past year. What I see in myself laying here on my bed right now isn't perfect, nor is it close, but I'm happy with it.

Friday night I spent some time with Melissa, and she told me something that she saw in me that threw her off a little bit. It caught me off guard because of the way she worded it, but I realized that there was some truth to it and that I had let it go unnoticed. She's the first girl that's ever pointed it out in me, and she really hasn't known me that long. I was hurt when she said it, but after a little while I started to have a peace come over me about it. It opened a few doors in me that needed to be explored and until then hadn't been available.

I realize that I've been a bit vague as to what "it" is, and I think for now that "it" shall be sufficient to remain just that.

I've gotten the rest I think I need to get this week started off right. I've still been consistent in working out and as of now I've put on one more pound of muscle this week. I think with a fluctuation of water weight in consideration that I'm somewhere around 9lbs heavier than I was last month. I smiled today when I put on my sports jacket and it felt a little tight. My motorcycle jacket is also starting to get a little tight, which is not good. That thing cost $250! I don't know, I doubt I'll get THAT big, but we'll see. I'm going to keep this up for a while.

I wrote this whole long paragraph about politics here. I looked it over and I decided that I should end this weekend on a high note. I'll do that by not talking about politics at all.

Failure Free

2008-04-24T23:11:00.002-05:00

When we attach to ourselves the identity of being a failure, that is when we truly start failing the most. I've been rather hard on myself (big surprise) about my recent failures. I don't tell a lot of people about them because I'm afraid of hurting them. Lots of people have these preconceived ideas about who I am, and some of those notions are a bit unfair in my opinion. I am not above failure, I am not above stupid mistakes. If anything, people should expect me to fail often because I am one who is prone to learning from his mistakes and not taking advice for law. But with many people, sometimes the closest people to me, I don't feel like I can share my failures because they are too caught up in worrying, regretting, or having a sense of failure to me to actually sit, listen to, and help me. The one thing that they should know about me if they know me at all is that I am resilient and hopeful to learn and not make the same mistakes twice. I am not a lost cause. But it starts with my own opinion of myself. It starts with me being able to forgive myself for failing and not confuse my failure as the end.

Otherwise, today has been nice. Work went a little slower than usual, but I don't really mind all too much. I have no reason to be off work early. I don't have anything other than working out that I would be doing with my time, even though if I had the time I could probably figure something out with little difficulty that would be constructive. I don't know, I'm kinda plain right now, not very exciting, but I'm planning mostly. The excitement will begin sooner than later. I'm getting more and more brave.

Riding my bike has been amazing lately. I won't talk about all the close calls I have because there is no use worrying all of you. It's safe to say, though, that every time you get on a bike, you should realize that you are going to have to stay far more alert than if you were in a car. I love the air though. I just went on a night ride, and it was amazing.

I'm going to bed now. Meeting at work tomorrow morning extra early.

Don't Read, This is just the Same Ol Thing

2008-04-23T22:50:00.002-05:00

I'm figuring out what it means to believe in something even if you don't necessarily feel it. I believe in love, but I can't feel it right now. I know people love me, but I'm being honest in my pain. I can't engage in a man to woman love right now at all. It just feels empty and unreal even though I know it exists. And I could try to cover my feelings with petty things, but I can't do that either. I have to feel the pain of not feeling.

If my life were a book, I would gladly rip out that part of it by the pages. I see nothing anymore that is worth remembering because all memory does, even what might be considered as good, is remind me of failure, loss, and suffering.

"Don't embrace the past." I heard in a song today. That's hard for me. To think that I would let such a small fraction of my life dictate so much of my emotion. I have so much more to build off of, so much that wasn't even touched by her. When it comes down to it, she didn't even really know me all that well because I kept so much of myself hidden from her. Why can't I see it in that light. There is a great deal of worthwhile me left to be salvaged from this wreckage.

Gains

2008-04-22T22:00:00.003-05:00

I'm really excited about my results in the gym today. I have gained one more pound of muscle in the last week and I bench pressed my high school max four times without a spot. That means that I'm now stronger than I've ever been. In college, I wasn't even close to as strong as I was my senior year in high school, even when I was working out regularly. So that means that this diet I have been on is working. I did 14 pull-ups when a month ago I couldn't even do one. My cloths are getting too small now... which I thought would never happen. I feel great all the time, plenty of energy, I sleep better, I think more clearly. All around, I feel better. I'm determined to not stop here though. My short-term goal is to reach 150lbs. For my body type, that is a big deal considering that on the new year I weighed 135lbs. I'm already 10lbs heavier at 145. I'm going to have to work even harder, and be even more disciplined to get to my goal though, but it's great. I love doing it. Paul comes with me every other day, and Catherine might start coming with me too. We don't do the same things, of course, but it is good to have company and good conversation in the gym. I can get so lost when I'm there sometimes, so captivated by my struggle that I get really intense and seemingly angry. I'm not, but I know people have not come up to me before when they see me working out because they are too worried. Haha, to imagine me worrying someone else with my intensity in the gym! Silly. I'm not that kind of person at all.

So I'm looking forward to going to NC in a couple of weeks to visit family and friends in Asheville on a men's retreat from my old church. That should be pretty fun and an incredible change from the normal weekend. I look forward to that. I also will be taking my motorcycle which should prove interesting.

Peace and love.

The Shot

2008-04-22T00:03:00.003-05:00

I wanted to take some time to write down the details of the realization of my pain today. It wasn't a brutal hopeless pain. It was more of a pain of a realization. In all of the intimacy and depth that Lindsay and I shared, I fell to my knees and cried so hard for her when she turned and walked away with complete indifference after all we had been through together. My realization was that this is how God must have felt about me this year when I chose to make all of my own decisions, completely disregarding all we had been through together. I'm not trying to say that Lindsay was wrong in what she did. We can't break things apart and wish that they be handled better than they were because they can't be. What is done is done. In all practicality, had she not left, perhaps things would have been much much worse. That is the best I can do to settle my heart over what happened, to be able to move on knowing that someone I shared so much with is no longer a part of a picture that I can see. It is the ultimate feeling of rejection, the ultimate feeling of pain, worse than death because death is greater than man's desire to stay or leave. Death choses for us. But this is a unique and deep scarring pain because it was by choice, by not being good enough, by not trying hard enough. It comes about by human error, whether in the scope of reason or outside of it.

Life will continue to be difficult and painful, and I will continue to grow more strong, more brave, and more wise. I am sorry that I fell so far away from what the Lord had planned for me. I have wasted so much time chasing my own desires. I knew from the very start, but I did it anyways. But the Lord knows how to break me for the best in me. I am reminded of my phobia of shots when I was a kid. It used to take several nurses to hold me down in order for the doctor to give me a shot. I tied myself to the waiting room chair once to get out of it, and it worked, but it wasn't for the best. The pain is going to come, but it can be such a good thing. It wasn't until I got really sick that I understood this. I remember being so sick that I begged for the shot. I wanted the pain because I knew what was going to come after it, relief. I can see Jesus in this. For my entire life he has had to hold me down to give me something for the best in me, and though I know this, I am too shallow to understand. But in great sickness I have begged for it. During the dusk of my relationship with Lindsay, I begged for it. I knew I was so far away from who I have always been, even if she and I stayed together, the man she knew was not me. She could have never known me, and I knew that more and more each day. We had no communion there.

So the pain has come. It lasts much longer than just a shot from a doctor, and it will scar to be a constant reminder, but it will heal. I will be strong again. I will be restored in believing that love does exist again. Perhaps now I can accept these trials as a gift instead of kicking and screaming.

Keep Your Faceshiled Down

2008-04-21T21:52:00.003-05:00

Dear Nathan,

This is your right eyeball. I was writing to you in regards to tonights motorcycle ride. I enjoy it just as much as you do, I mean it really is great. But... this is awkward... how do I say this without upsetting you... You know the face shield on your helmet? Well, you know how sometimes you like to open it while you ride because you like the feel of the wind on your face? That's cool and all, but tonight I got nailed by a bug, and it got lodged under the eyelid. I'm your right eye, man. You gotta treat me with more respect than that. You know that opening your face shield during bug season is a dumb idea. Think about how hard those bugs hit your windshield when you are driving your car. Yeah, that was your right eye this time. Be smart.

Love,

Your Right Eyeball

Pretty much true. Taking a bug to the bare eyeball really hurts.

Anyways

Today was nice and all. Work went well and I got a lot accomplished on the job I was working, not to mention I got off at a normal time. That's amazing in itself. But while I was working I heard a few songs on my new ipod that brought my current state back into the picture. I felt hurt again and it took the breath out of me, but I told you it would happen this way. It happens in harmonics that get farther and farther apart from the actual explosion. I miss being missed mostly.

Second. There's still some completely insane drama surrounding my life that is kinda getting... well... dumb. Frankly, I expect it and I'm completely uninterested and unaltered, mostly because I don't think it has anything to do with me. I've changed. Of course I have. That doesn't mean anyone has to like it, but that's the way things are. Sometimes there are people in your life though that are always surrounded by a form of drama. Sometimes that's me, but speaking from experience, it's because of an addiction. At the very heart of it, most of the time it has nothing to do with the people around you. It's you yourself.

But I'm not worried. Very soon I will be out of the picture and that torch will pass to someone else. It always has and it always will. Can't think of a time where there wasn't someone on the enemy list.

I know that sounds cold. That's my problem if anything. I am very cold in these circumstances. It is rare that someone has a problem with me that I feel completely innocent from, but when I do, I am very cold and uninterested. That is a problem that I need to deal with in myself. I am aware of it, and it will be actively worked on. But this is where I am right now. Hah, I also find myself to be passive-aggressive enough to post a journal about it online. Blogfu, as I have heard it called, is meant to sneak attack the person it is directed at without alerting other readers. Stupid stuff, but I just did it. I guess I have even more changing to do.

Peace and love.

Don't Do It, It'll Make You Dumber

2008-04-20T18:08:00.003-05:00

Interesting day. I got a traffic ticket first thing this morning because I went down a one way street the wrong way. Now I wasn't just sailing down completely unaware. I knew it was the wrong way, but the driveway I needed was just a few yards up that street and so I took the change. But... there was an officer sitting right there just delighted to pull out his magic pen and write me a traffic violation ticket. I wasn't mad. I just smiled, took it, and went on with my day.

I have great friends though. After church was over they gathered round and gave me a card for my birthday. It was on the seventh, but I was glad to just have something. My birthday isn't usually a big deal to me, but with the card and the ipod that they all chipped in to buy me, it was just a nice surprise. It made me feel special. I don't really feel special all that often.

After lunch and all that good stuff, I went to catch up with the guys who were at the park watching the larpers. Larpers are guys and girls who dress up in medieval garb and take foam swords, spears, whatever weapon, and have mock battles with rules. It looks pretty fun and the people were really great. I just watched though. Funny thing, this guy from VH1 was there and he was casting for the show "Pickup Artist". It's all about getting girls to go on dates with you. I as intrigued because he said you could win $50,000. Half way into the interview I realized what I was doing and I kinda threw it out the door. I just made myself seem very average and that was that. I don't think being on a show like that would be very becoming of my character. I don't want to "pick up" girls. I want to meet, get to know, and slowly form a relationship with a girl. And right now, I don't even know if I'm all that eager to do that. I'm still kinda on the mend.

But on the same token, I don't really feel like I need help. I'm getting plenty of attention as of late, not too sure why, but I am. I guess I just carry myself differently. Take, for example, this girl at the park. She sent her guy friend up to tell me that she was "into" me. It was kinda middleschoolish. I told him that I thought she was attractive, but that it's not really a good time for me. So he left and went to sit down. Then a few minutes later she came up to me and introduced herself and sat down trying to make small talk. I was nice to her and she was extremely attractive, but it's just not a good time for me, and that's not my style anyways. I don't know, I was thinking about it recently and all I really want is a loving, Godly woman, and I want it slow and steady. I'm in no hurry. I can wait now as long as it takes. But all that aside, I feel kind of weird having tried out for that show. Just not my style.

So right now I'm trying to get things in order. I want to establish some sense of organization before I start the week. I'm looking forward to this week being a little bit different than usual. I would like to see a few small changes on my day-to-day. I'll let you know what I'll be doing in order to make that happen.

Disconnect

2008-04-20T00:29:00.002-05:00

100th post on this journal, and already so much has happened. You can read about it, I don't need to recap.

My heart has been extraordinarily restless this weekend. I know why. Whenever I write these kinds of journals I tend to continue such an opening statement with all of my uncertainties as to why I feel this way. I just don't know why. But I learn more and more that this is a lie that I tell myself to feel justified and content with my feelings of restlessness, like nothing I have done or has happened to me could be a valid excuse as to why. But I know, perhaps not in an entirety, but to a fuller extent than I lead on.

I'm not going to talk about all of it tonight because some of it is a secret I hold close to myself, and some of it would just bore you.

But I've changed a lot over the past few years, and I'm a realist. I think that some changes we can be proud of and some we can be rightly ashamed of. Just because you change, that doesn't make it positive. That being said, I feel that I have not changed in a positive way, in fact, I feel pretty lowly. I'm coming to grips with the fact that my last relationship was probably really unhealthy for me and it repressed me in ways that nearly extinguished the deeper passions of my heart. I almost would use the word "ruined" if I didn't believe that I could be redeemed from it all. But I have definitely ventured down a road that was by my own choosing. I know some positive things came out of it. The UN came out of World War II. But for the most part I feel incredibly distanced from who I was, and I realize the things about myself that I took for granted that I wish I could have back.

I'm dancing on a slippery slope by writing this down right now. I think I might just switch over to my private journal if I really want to express what I feel. That would be best for everyone.

Honest Answers to Why

2008-04-17T22:09:00.002-05:00

I feel that over the past few weeks I have been capable of quiet self honesty. It is distinguishable from the usual self-slandering brokenness that I usually feel, but it is a difficult feeling to describe. Denial is the key indicator. When I deny that it is a problem, that usually means that it is a legitimate problem. Being crabby at work has been a catalyst for all forms of inner analysis. The best questions we can start with is "Why?", but you have to ask with the understanding that in order to answer that question honestly, more than likely you are going to have to delve deep beneath the surface and uncover things that you might not be cognitively aware of. So Why? I asked that question last night in my journal and thought about it for a good part of the day. What it led to was my self-centered nature. I don't care that other people are having to work hard. I care about me and my time. I want to do what I want to do, and the fact that sometimes my freedom can come into question by an entity that, in all reality, serves as a vehicle to those things that I want, well... I get frustrated and it grows like a looping signal until it peaks and I have no rational mind anymore. I only have stress, anxiety, and rage. At this place I am liable to say and do things that I would normally refrain from. It's like being an angry drunk.

But I also realize that there is a legitimate threshold for what is acceptable for a company to require of its workers, and I don't have to be trampled on. But what I find difficult to balance is my identity as a Christian in the workplace. Everyone wants to immediately reference your testimony as a believer as soon as you show backbone and say "no" to anything, the dreaded profanities of profanities. Why? I think it's because Christians are either expected to be hypocrites or total push-overs. But I reference the verse that tells you to love your neighbor as yourself, and in order to love yourself, you can't neglect yourself. Should I feel like a hypocrite if I say no? Should I say yes? I think it goes a little more personal than just a "rule of thumb". In my heart I say no because I don't want to give up on me. I have passions that aren't tied to the companies every whim. My coworker said that he did it because he thought of it as helping someone out. He sacrifices a great deal to work over-time but he likes doing it. I explained to him that I think that's fine, but in my life, in order to help one person out, I have to let down someone else. How do you make those decisions? But in all fairness, I don't think I would want to work overtime even if I weren't helping anyone out. I just want some time from day-to-day for myself.

I'm still not really sure what is fair, but there is certainly some clarity to a previously clouded picture. I think helping out when you can is great, but there are times when you should say no because you have to care for yourself and others that might not necessarily be tied to your work. I am not a work-consumed man. I don't have the capacity for it. I respect those who are, but I also respect myself.

What I Want to Do. (?)

2008-04-16T23:05:00.003-05:00

I don't know why work is eating me up on the inside so much. I feel cheated out of my time, like working is the most unjust thing that could happen to me. I've always felt that way though, even at a young age. My mentality is that work is that thing that keeps you from doing what you really want to do. The only problem is that I don't know what it is that I really want to do. I mean I might, but right now it's mixed in with a whole bunch of other ideas. I think I just set a few too many goals for myself, and I can't possibly achieve them all. That kind of loosely focused ambition can create a quitter's mentality if you're not careful.

So, what is it that I want to do?

I want to engineer way more than I am right now, make a profession out of it, have fun doing it. Mostly I would like to do live front of house engineering. Studio work would suffice, but it can get a little cramped from day to day, not to mention that the hours are a lot more than I'm working now.

I would like to concentrate more on my art. I've been trying to write more, to express myself, to see if there is anything worth expressing artistically in my mind. I want my music to be disciplined and good, but I also don't want to veer too far from my own style. I feel a lot of pressure sometimes to be something different because I know a lot of people aren't really into my music, but if I were to stray away, then I would also potentially lose being "into" my music.

I want to work out regularly and stay healthy. I want to try and maintain a high caloric diet and get the rest I need so that I can build more muscle. I've already put on 5 pounds in the past two weeks. That's great, but I know I can do better, it's just going to take a lot of work.

I would like to discipline myself into reading more books. I find that my mind doesn't get the creative exercise it needs because, quite frankly, I don't exercise it. Who would have thought? So I would like to pick out fun books that I might be drawn to and start there. I'm reading the Life of Pi right now, but I might dumb it down a little bit. I think that I don't read so much because the books that I do read are very serious and challenging to my personal disposition.

I want to enjoy the outdoors more than I do. I want to go on weekends and hike, camp, fish, canoe, something outside. I stay in too much, and when I do go out, all I do is play frisbee. That's fun, but not exactly what I have in mind.

Over all, I just want to be more disciplined and reliable not just to myself, but to others as well. I'm working on it, but I tend to cater to myself way too much, and that's a habit hard to break.

Peace and love.

Gray Lives

2008-04-13T23:49:00.002-05:00

Sometimes simple words in passing can really dig deep inside my mind where they amplify in meaning and I dwell on them. Or maybe they spark other thoughts that lead me down an entire chain of branching ideas and revelations. This is important because it prevents me from resting in the commonplace of mediocre thought, and it inspires me to do more with myself. The only real difficulty is maintaining a love for one's self when dissecting every self-defining characteristic in the pursuit of finding individual meaning and identity and then relaying that back to the Universal Truth, God.

I feel an incredible amount of tension when I am alone because my thoughts have a voluminous presence. I can quickly become my own accuser, turn around, and objectify even myself. It is bad enough to objectify someone else. None of us are that trivial. There is always something seemingly convincing about us that makes us do the things we do because we have the aptitude for building up a case around ourselves as to sell the rest of the world the idea that what we do is completely legitimate. In short, we live gray lives. Nothing anyone does is black and white. It is a complex formula.

If I am alone, I can get lost in this formula. It's like swallowing your own head in a way, only it is more absurd than difficult. What I desire is peace of mind. The ability to still maintain a deep level of focus and thought without objectifying and getting lost in my own condition. I desire to not feel sorry for myself either. I want to believe in myself and what I want. I want to know what I want, and I want the focus and depth to reach after it. I want to live a satisfying and selfless life. To many people such an ideal is a waste of time, but to me it is still possible.

I'm dozing off right now. I need my sleep. Goodnight.

Letting Go

2008-04-13T01:33:00.003-05:00

It's hard for me to get rid of some of the little things I keep lying around my room, in drawers, closets, under my bed etc. It is hard because I tend to equate or assign everything with a memory, and if I get rid of that particular item, I am getting rid of the memory. I must just need a reminder. Maybe I'm afraid that if I don't have these things there, I will forget everything. How much do I value my memory?

But then there lies the question, "What would actually happen if I got rid of those things?" And because I have such a curious nature, I itch to find out. Perhaps I will only get rid of a few items in question, or maybe more. I just need to learn to let go sometimes. That, as we all know, is hard for me.

I was able to let go of Becca after five years. Sometimes I still think about her, where she is and what she is doing, and I hope she is doing well. But I don't long for her like I used to. It was hard to rid myself of the ideal of what I thought love should be, and unfortunately it carried her face. Nothing about it was realistic or even close to true about who she was as a person, but for some reason I attached that struggle to her.

Letting go of Catherine a few years back was a violent time for me emotionally. But we were never that intimate to begin with, and when she went to France for a year, I was able to heal quickly. Now I couldn't be happier that she is marrying Matt this October. I see their love and I know that it is real, and I will be by them whenever they need me.

There are going to be certain parts of me that are really going to have a hard time letting go of Lindsay, but there are certain things that I have moved completely beyond. Trying not to attach her to an ideal is a current struggle. I have to keep reminding myself that she wasn't a shining emblem of what a girlfriend should be when in a relationship with a despicable man like myself. That's not true. I wasn't all that bad, and she wasn't on the verge of perfection. As far as the comfort of having her around, that feeling is quickly fading to a close. I must be honest when I say that I've been using that to fuel my drive in the gym. I've already gained a few pounds, and I'm going for more. But there are worse things I could be doing with my time. Working out makes me think more clearly and it puts me in a better mood. But I'm proud of myself thus far. Amidst the fact that she was the closest woman to my heart, when she left me like that, I didn't retaliate. I didn't try to make her feel miserable. I didn't try to hurt her and destroy her like all of the previous girls. Instead I stood there and let her ease the knife in. It hurt a lot worse, standing still like that, but pick your poison. Do you want the healing to be quick or slow?

So if you know me, if you have known me for many years and you know how my heart works, it wouldn't make much sense for you to expect me to be healed by now. I'm far too screwed up for that, but I also love that about myself. I love that I have problems and that I think to the point of losing touch with reality, and I'm ready for what is next.

Laid Out

2008-04-10T21:56:00.002-05:00

I've got it all laid out in front of me. All I have to do is decide if I want it or not. I have people around me waiting, wanting for me to succeed. I can get it if I want it. I'm capable. I just lack the focus. If I could discipline myself to focus on one thing, I know I could achieve greatness. I know I could accomplish my dreams. So I'm in the face of discipline as we speak. I just got back from training my body to lift weight heavier than I thought possible. If I can discipline myself in that way, what is to stop me from the other fields.

I have been blessed. I have never wanted for anything. I have always achieved what I set my eyes towards, and I have overcome a great deal of opposition in my life. Most of it comes from myself, my failure to act, my desire for comfort. Some of it has come from other people but in more subtle forms. Sometimes even people who are close to you don't want you to succeed because it will change things. I've even been guilty of that myself.

What is success? In my opinion it has nothing to do with more money, moving up, whatever. It mostly deals with your ability to grasp that which makes you truly happy. And what is happiness? I know I said I wouldn't go into it the other day, but I can tell you what it isn't, or at least what Aristotle thought it wasn't. He believed that happiness wasn't a moment of excitement or joy, but a lifestyle, lived out every day. I tend to agree with him. Happiness has got to be a lifestyle, not a fleeting human emotion based on immediate circumstances.

But figuring out what makes you truly happy takes a large chunk of your life to figure out, and once you have figured it out, then comes the sacrifice. You can't have one thing without sacrificing another. You can't serve two masters.

I think that what makes us happy is our calling on this earth. I know that such an opinion can't be held to a universal standard because a good portion of the world doesn't even believe in a "calling." But I feel like I'm on the verge of mine. It's down to just a few more things... then again, maybe I'm way off. I'll find out soon thought, either way.

Low Appeal

2008-04-09T23:55:00.002-05:00

Wouldn't be a night in my life if I went to bed without doing all the things I set out to do this morning. I'm not down or anything, way too many endorphins in my blood for that, but I'm under the gun right now. Uncle Sam and The Man both want my ass right now, and they don't want to share.

But I have small joys going all around me. I'm trying my best to get in shape again, and I'm having huge gains and alterations in my body. It's great, but it hurts. I'm going to work out harder and more intently than I ever have before. I'm eating more, I'm gaining weight, I'm going to work out my legs just so my ass is a little bit bigger for Sam and The Man. My body is starting to produce more testosterone from all of the growing, so I'm getting more hair on my face and I have to shave more often. Good times. I love to see (good) changes in my body.

Confidence wise, I'm having a hard time. I'm not so worried about the ladies because I'm getting more attention, especially now that I'm single, but I'm not playing with it really. I have no desire to as of now. I have met a few new girls though and I'm really enjoying getting to know them. But at work I'm getting pretty frustrated. I feel like no matter how hard I work or how good of a job I do, I've always got someone breathing down my neck, someone unsatisfied, and someone wanting me to do more work. I flat out told someone "No" today and I was pretty blunt about it. I told them that I was putting in enough over time and that I had no interest in putting in anymore. I'm also getting a bit testy with the guys that are breathing down my neck. I've snapped at a few of them just to let them know that they can't push me around just because I'm the youngest guy there. My eyes are starting to wander too. I'm doing a great deal of thinking as to how I might switch careers if need be. It's always good to have a back up plan.

But I've been thinking more on the extremes. I was looking at the Peace Corp, thinking that I might enjoy doing that. I either want in the music business or I want to go abroad. I'm young and I'm experienced with travel, so I feel pretty confident that I could do it. It's just that working for Corporate America has no appeal to me. Making lots of money has no appeal either. I want to make enough money and that's about it. People just seem so thirsty for more, and I have started coming out of that. I was there when I got out of college, but the past several months have shown me that there's so much more than just "more". Lots of it doesn't really involve money either. I want to travel and see the world, but not as a tourist. That's lame. I want to be underneath it all. But there are some financial things that I have to take care of first, and I feel confident that I'll find a way to do that. I've become a lot more conscious of my spending as of late, and I've been making more money. So all in all, I'm keeping more. My goal is to pay my way out of all of my debt, and then unleash my dreams.

It'll be a while, but a good while, spent in meditation and discerning over the things that really drive me. I don't feel bound to anything anymore. I could walk out tomorrow and not look back, and it's great.

Persuit of Passion

2008-04-06T22:59:00.003-05:00

I'm faced with so many options right now, none of which are very practical, but what if I made them practical? What I struggle with is expectation, and it doesn't seem to jive with what I see as happiness. I'm not going to go into the philosophical rabbit hole of what happiness is other than to say that I don't know if it could be defined as one thing if defined at all, but we all want it, and we spend every waking hour trying to find it.

The mixed signals come from every-day immersion. Our economy thrives off of the hunt for happiness. Everyone is trying to sell you the next fix, whatever works, what makes you happy. If you can work harder then you might be able to make more money to be able to afford the things that will make you feel secure and complete.

Bullshit.

But I eat it every day. Can I really help it if I was born into it? My high school principle used to favor group punishment because he said "We all live in the same world." To me that means that we're all a part of it and we're all responsible in some way, shape, or form. As a Christian, I am forgiven for being a part of it. The way we treat other people that we may not know, our lack of compassion, all of the safety that we build up around ourselves. God wants us to be safe, right? I don't know. I mean most of the disciples were crucified themselves, Paul was imprisoned, I just don't see how being a Christian means you should be careful. And what part of Christianity isn't radical? I'm not saying it's everyone's calling to see what I see, but I see it none the less. What pisses me off to near violence is when people write my passion off as youthful vigor. As true as that may be, maybe this world could use some of it. It makes some people bitter and angry. I suspect that's because radicalism throws their entire life into question. I know I get mad when someone comes up to me after I've worked hard on something, only to question it. But I'm not doing that, other than writing in my journal and trying to live my life. I make people angry with what I care about, and that makes me angry. Randy was observing people's reaction to realistic magic from guys like David Blane, the kind of magic that really asks the question "How did that happen?!?" with no seemingly reasonable answer. He said that people freak out because when they can't explain something, when they can't come up for a reason as to how the laws of their existence were broken, it turns their entire world upside-down and rains inquiry over everything they thought was concrete. So you get a bunch of Ben Franklins running around. Ben Franklin took the Bible and cut out all of the miracles that Jesus performed because they were too radical to believe. That's how I feel about the people that piss on my parade. They do it because they don't want my passions to upset what they know about themselves and their successes and shortcomings.

I talk a lot though. I think that's where my scoffers gain the credibility to say what they say and belittle me. I talk a lot. Perhaps I should do something about what I believe. Perhaps I should stop marching with the thousands of malcontents of my generation and actually do something instead of bitching about how it should be done.

But what I don't want to be is bitter. I know that our natural tendency is to be a professional on everyone else but ourselves. I do it all the time. I make broad generalizations and I objectify people as if they were bugs kept in a jar on the desk of a curious child. I feel safe when my bugs are in my jars. But I don't even know myself. How could I know the inner workings of others? I can only do that by degrading them into a simplicity that I can master. We make people predictable and simple. You can't do that and love at the same time. It won't work. But I know people objectify me. Every day I am subject to the criticism and mastery of someone else's wisdom and understanding of how I approach my life. Granted, we all have our own insight in certain areas, but few are the times when our true insight is what we base our judgment on. It is much easier to base judgment off of bitterness, envy, anger, insecurity, sadness, pain, depression, personal fear, shame, and disbelief. And what is more, it brings a shameful and secret sense of joy when we can stop someone else from chasing and potentially reaching the passions that we once tried to find but failed to discover. We do it because it makes us feel normal, like we haven't failed at all.

And perhaps I will fail. Many of us feel a calling for something that we just can't reach in all practicality, but my failure to reach my goals and dreams will not be because I listened to the reasoning of old and bitter men. I will only stop when God Himself makes it impossible.

So I'm going to dwell on that for a while. I'm going to go into a season of meditation and prayer on what I should do, because what I am currently doing is dissatisfying as hell only because I know I was made with a much higher purpose. I know this about myself and I believe it about everyone else. But for whatever reason, we tone those fires down in our hearts because we have so little as it is. What if we were to even lose that?

The sun was out today and I spent time in it. I am ignited again.

What Will I Sell Myself To?

2008-04-06T00:13:00.003-05:00

I was encroaching upon new questions today in my head inspired by a movie I saw yesterday. "Into the Wild" has to be one of the most inspirational movies I've seen in a long time. It challenged me with ideas pertaining to the imposed importance of my being here where I am now. I'm trying to ask my self all sorts of new questions in my private journal, answering them to the best of my ability. They are simple sounding questions, but they take a lot of honesty and effort to answer accurately. I guess you can't be too terribly accurate with "Who am I", "What do I want", and "Where am I going". It's a deep pit that you can get lost in as it continuously changes and warps and consistently remains utterly inconsistent, so much as to limit not just your understanding of your surroundings, but of yourself.

Perhaps it isn't like that for everyone, but it certainly feels that way for me. I think maybe God is just trying to break my pride in that, to get me to depend more on Him. But what I want to know right now is, beyond all of those things, what would make me happy, my "call" if you will?
Right now I just get frustrated when I look to others because they have that glint of the desire for freedom in their eyes, but they were sucked in by social responsibility. What am I to make of that? Should I just give up, give in, and jump in line? Such huge questions to ask, all at the same time, during the same phase of life that so many other people are asking the same questions. Life gets exponentially shorter as time goes on. What do we do with that?

Everyone will be a slave to something. We're a slave to physics at the very least, no matter what we believe. What will I be a slave to? I'm selling myself right now, putting myself up on the blocks.

Saying No to Fast Food

2008-04-03T22:47:00.002-05:00

I'm in a bad place. My diet is not good at all. I watched "Supersize Me" last night and it really had a big impact on how I view fast food, which is what I eat a lot of being that I go out to eat with coworkers almost every day. So I went to the grocery store today and bought a bunch of healthy things, but some of that was TV dinners. It's healthy TV dinners, so it's okay, but still... TV dinners.

I think they had something when they pointed out that fatty diets can cause depression and anxiety. I felt a lot of that today probably because I was overworked again, and I just hate it. I want to have a life when I get home. I want to be able to do stuff. And people are always like "well you're making more money." I don't care! I've never associated work with making money. Work is that thing I do that keeps me from doing the things that I really feel passionate about. That's work. I remember in school when it was summer and all of my friends just had fun all of the time and I had a job. I hated that. I'm still bitter about that I guess.

There's a random clanking noise going on behind my wall... and it is going to drive me crazy.

So here are the things I need to do in the next couple of days. Taxes, look for a new place to live, start throwing out crap that I've been keeping for no reason at all... I'd also like to pick up some methods of stress management. I've been listening to a lot of Bob Marley lately. He's got a lot of uplifting stuff. I think I might burn my Cake album to a CD too, just to have one more thing that is bright and cheery in my car while I drive to and from places.

Need to get my hair trimmed just to keep it manageable.

Good night.

It Felt Like Death. It Comes in Waves.

2008-03-31T22:36:00.003-05:00

The past few days have been really hard on me, and I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps I tried to bury a lot of my anxieties before they were completely dealt with. Whatever the case may be, my head has been swimming, and not very well.

I want to say that what I feel is completely unreasonable, but it isn't. It wouldn't be life if things like this just went away. Feels like she had a pretty easy time of that though. I wish I could have shoved my emotions out the door so easily, not thinking once about the past six months of my life, the time spent during those six months, not even having the slightest bit of remorse. She wanted me to think she was strong, but that seemed a bit over-compensative if you ask me. On the other hand, she knew me more deeply than any one else, and I think she knew exactly how to hurt me the most. One of those girls who would take advantage of my deepest insecurity. I thought I knew her better than that. I thought she cared more than that. I honestly believed that she loved me, but all in all, I was just another trend for her. Something fun to pass the time in Nashville. One more thing in her life that she got really excited about, but then decided to move on when it lost it's thrill. Perhaps she thought of me as ending up being like her last boyfriend. But what is consistent about that picture? Maybe that guy and me would've gotten along. Maybe she tore him down like she'll probably tear me down to her next boyfriend.

But here's the question that I'm sure you're all asking.

Why do I care? Why do I torment myself with these thoughts? Wasn't it mutual?

Yes. It was. I just can't remember exactly why. I know there were reasons as to why that relationship was hurting me. I know there were good reasons as to why it should have ended a lot sooner. I just don't remember them. Why that is? I don't know. It's like she's dead. And with the dead we tend to not dwell on the bad things about them, unless they were mass murderers or something like that. But being that she's out of my life forever, and a few days before I would have told her that I loved her, but then she just tore off and I'll never see her again. Being that it happened that way, my heart is so heavy. It happened like death.

So no matter how mutual it was, no matter how much I can speak ill of her if I dig deep enough down, no matter how much I try, I am the one who, in her eyes, looses, because I am the one filled with hurt that can't be evaded. She wins if she wants it. I concede. I am in pain. As mutual as it was, and I'm sure as right as it all plays out to be, I don't think I'll ever be able to be as cold as she was. I don't think I'll ever look back on the end of it all and smile. She got rid of me so much easier than she got rid of her dog.

So that's enough of that for one night. I just needed to spit all of that out because I'm tired of holding it in, even if some of it is a little intense and unjustly bitter. I know a lot of people don't understand, and I wouldn't understand either if I wasn't me. I am moving on, I really am. Most days I am happy and looking forward to the future and what is to come. Most days. But for the past few days I have really just been mostly in pain. I haven't slept much because she has been haunting in me in my dreams. I've been taking sleep aids for the past two nights so it hasn't been as bad, but before, she was everywhere I went. She didn't say anything, do anything, other than stand there and look straight ahead. I'm pretty sure my friends are sick of hearing about it, and the Lord is allowing me to continue to go through this pain, so I suppose I will with hope at least. It will come in waves though. I know that about my pain. It comes in waves. I will be fine for a while, and then I will be hit. And then it spreads out, and then I will be hit again.

I think the worst of it was today, so it should start to dissipate. I won't be afraid to talk about it though. Be annoyed if you want.

What really happened today? I drove Mitch's motorcycle that he just bought back from a farm in Lebanon (the city). It's a few years older than I am, but it runs. Not too good on highways as it is not quite as heavy as mine and it doesn't have the acceleration, but I think it will be a good bike for him to have around the city given the right amount of sweat and grease. I got nervous, as I'm sure he did to, when I lost power on I-40. I pulled over and looked it over. I thought it had just overheated because it wasn't used to going 70, but it turns out that the guy didn't put enough gas in it to get us home. I hit the fuel reserve and we were able to get to the gas station behind my house. From there we filled up and drove to his. It also would cut the engine if you held in the clutch. Not good if you're going really fast to have to re-start your bike. I did though and by the end of the trip, it was able to idle without dying. I just don't think the previous owner rode it too much.

I'm on a new job-site as well. Unfortunately I'm going to be overworked on this one too, but I need to do it as a servant. I can't always serve at things I like doing. Sometimes we have to serve in areas that we don't really enjoy. All in all, I'll at least see some money out of it. I'm hitting the sack though. Got a long week ahead of me.

Sleeping In

2008-03-29T22:00:00.002-05:00

This week was a rough week in a lot of ways. Some of it was good, but by today I was completely worn out. Just being over-worked and not being able to get a solid night's sleep on top of that was pretty hard, but on top of that, Matt got in an accident last night that put him in the hospital. He's doing okay now and he got out last night, but he got pinned by a truck into the hotel where he works, where I used to work. Nothing is broken, but he's so badly bruised that he can't walk. We've all been there at Catherine's place where he is staying for most of the day just keeping them company. I feel bad for the guy, but I know he'll be up and about soon.

I slept for a good while today. I slept in and then I took a nap a few hours later. When I woke up from that I had a hard time functioning, keeping my balance, thinking and speaking clearly for a couple of hours. I don't know what was wrong with me. I bought some melatonin today to help me get on a better sleep schedule, so we'll see if that helps. I just want an honest to God vacation right now. I just need to be able to relax and get stuff off of my mind. Moving, taxes, being fulfilled by my current job. I am an ambitious person, and the fact that I'm not living that right now is really starting to grind on my nerves.

Evil Alarm Clock

2008-03-27T22:52:00.003-05:00

The alarm clock is owning my soul right now. I just can't wake up by it anymore. I put it across the room and nothing happens, and if I set it to be loud enough it will wake up my roommates before it wakes me up. I don't know what to do about it right now. I think I'm going to set my phone for a little while and then set my alarm clock to go off right at the very last minute that I can afford to wake up at so that I don't hit snooze over and over again. That can be a big problem. My body just won't wake up if I train it to go right back to sleep when my alarm goes off. Crap!

I've been working out a lot, but today I took a break. I'm already starting to see physical differences, but I'm mostly going for strength and endurance. I just want to feel better, long story short.

Work has been difficult too. We've been in a crunch all week because some folks can't get their act together. I'll probably say something I would regret if I were to publicly vent for too long. Let's just say that we've been working long hours and they might have us come in on Saturday. I hat that. I haven't slept in for so long. I just want one day to sleep in till noon and I'll be great!

I also have a date tomorrow night. I know you might be thinking it's a bit early, but honestly I really don't feel any baggage anymore. She's a great girl that I met at church, and I'm really excited to get to know her. I was kinda surprised that I asked her out when I did. I didn't expect myself to, but it just hit me all of a sudden.

Too tired to write very much.

Cynical but Hopeful

2008-03-23T21:44:00.003-05:00

Church was good this morning. I got to sing in the choir, and even though I'm a first tenner and I was singing bass, I still had a good time. I like singing more than I like most things, especially with other people who sing well.

The sermon was good. I have heard the resurrection story so many times, but I still get something new from it each time. I do have hope for the church. I know last night I seemed a little cynical, and I might be just a bit, but I still maintain a level of hope, not invested in men, but in God's continued supervision and promise to keep the Church in His hands.

I know that there are many strong Christians out there who know exactly who they are in Christ and what living after the Father means. And every church will have it's problems. It's pretty difficult for men to grasp every aspect of the Truth. We tend to just pick parts and pieces and be satisfied with what we can contain.

My parents are here today, and it has been a much needed visit. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving, so we have a lot of catching up to do.

Oh yeah. I just received my first official music business check! I'm pretty pumped about that! I'm putting it in the bank tomorrow, and even though Uncle Sam will draw it from me like thick blood, I still enjoyed making it. Hope to make more.

Everything is good right now. I feel a strong sense of peace and patience. I know that doesn't always last forever, but I hope to hold on to it as best I can.

Easter and Good Television

2008-03-22T23:41:00.005-05:00

I've decided that, at least in what I have seen through life, God does not make good television. I'm not trying to say that the work God does isn't interesting, but it doesn't make good television in the sense of what we are used to and what we expect in our culture, in our daily lives.

We are a deprived people, starving for intense emotion, something that pulls for more of us than our jobs, our daily routines. We tend to find that in television. It takes us away from reality and puts us in situations of intensity and sensation that we probably wouldn't encounter without writers and producers of our own.

So we expect sensationalism and intensity from God because we are immersed in it from every other angle in life, so why not from God? But in my experience, it just doesn't happen the way Hollywood would design. Sometimes the heroes in our lives die unexpectedly, sometimes we keep the jobs we don't really want, and there really isn't a musical score to everything we do. There tends to be less blood, thoughts and words seem a little scattered and there's a lot to dig through, it doesn't always sit on the surface.

But what we do as Christians today is we feel like God maybe left that part out. So here we go trying to fill in all of the "boring Gospel" with pumped up intensity. Mars Hill Church in Seattle evidently crucified one of their church members for thirty minutes. I don't know if they actually physically nailed him to a cross, but I know that there was a violence warning in attending the service. I've installed million dollar audio visual systems in some churches and I've seen similar set ups in many others. I've been to churches that use laser lights and fog machines during their worship services. All of that on top of the quirky bumper stickers that slay evolutionist self-esteem and warn people of the hazards of driving during the rapture, combined with our own books, music, schools, and cloths (food maybe?). We have turned the power and majesty of God into another item we can wear on our belts like an iPod or a cell phone.

I understand why this movement started. Relevance. People wanted to feel relevant in our world for following Christ. I can understand that desire. We started off as the underdog with "Jesus Saves" and the music that was aimed at praising God in a more modern form. Christians wanted it to be cool to be Christian by definition from society. But that developed into something destructive which is still taking its toll today. It gave birth to a cause that is completely scripturally unsound. Protect the culture, save Christ from the darkness of the world.

I am reminded of Peter in the garden when Jesus was taken. We remember that during this time of year. Peter was outraged, grabbed a sword, and struck off the ear of one of the guards that held Jesus. But Jesus didn't run away or give Peter a trendy high-five. Jesus looked at Peter, had him put down his sword, and then healed the Roman soldier.

We are now like Peter. We're a little slow, overly confident in our own importance in the execution of God's design. We set targets on those who would lay siege to Christ and we lift up our swords in the name of protecting Him and our children. Gays, liberals, Disney, Islam, Immigrants. We fight them on a daily basis because they wish to corrupt us, destroy us, separate us.

"What the democrats don't understand is that the Bible supports war." I heard a co-worker say with a confident smile on his face. War, after all, is intense and brave and sensational.
But what a sad thing to hear. A Christian proclaiming a message that completely disregards the Gospel. The Bible did support war. The Old Testament is full of the destruction of those who opposed Christ. But then the defining moment for us, especially the Gentiles, occurred. It was the death and resurrection of God's only Son. Before that, we too would have been considered in opposition to God. We were not His chosen people. This is the New Testament, God's wrath laid to rest through the death of His Son Jesus Christ. Because of that, we were given the gift of selfless love that would have us lay down our lives in the faces of our enemies. It would have us love our Children and teach them to do likewise. We cannot hate in the name of them. That is not Christ. Protection by love and by faith, rejoicing in persecution because in our weakness, God's strength is made complete. That is the Gospel.

If Jesus were here among us in the flesh, do you think He would be attacking the Gays, leading the Republican party, stomping out sinners left and right in the name of protecting our Children? I read the New Testament and I just can't find that image of Christ anywhere. What I do find, however, is frightening. It is Christ's contempt towards the religious leaders who should have known everything about who He would be, but got so lost in ideas, images, and laws that they not only didn't recognize him when He came, but they had the Romans kill him.

If Christ was here today and he allowed a gay man to wash his feet with his tears, if he went to bars to love the broken, if he stopped off in a half-way house for dinner, would we recognize him? I really believe that we would have a hard time because the Gospel I read does not show the kind of Jesus that we proclaim to the world through our actions as the American Church. So perhaps if He hypothetically did come again subtly, maybe we wouldn't see him so clearly. Perhaps we would put him off and wait for what we idealize in our minds as the "real thing". Is that so outrageous to believe that we are any less sinful, any less human than the people who cried out for the Son of God's blood over 2000 years ago?

Scary thing to think about here on this Easter morning.

Road

2008-03-21T02:15:00.003-05:00

Back on the road again. I love this. I was pretty excited all day about it. The only sad part is... this is the last show. From here I don't know where I'll go next. I'd love to work with them again. I feel like we're family now.

We're headed to Jacksonville Florida right now and I'm in my bunk... Wow... Paul just got in the bunk above me and it started to bow a little bit. That must be normal. I just didn't have anyone sleeping above me last time. But anyways, I'm excited to get there and do the show.

I went back to work out again today even though I was already really soar. You really just have to push through all that to get to the satisfaction of it. I'm still really swollen right now from all the blood in my muscles. It'll be gone by morning, otherwise I might be fooled into thinking that I had physical alteration after two days of working out. If my muscles look like this in a few months, though, I'll be in good shape.

Peace and love

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

2008-03-19T22:57:00.003-05:00

I just got home from a pretty action-packed day. I got a small injury at work today. Cut my thumb open while operating the drill press. It's deep, but it will heal.

I met up with Paul today to work out again. I'm in the hurt right now, but I've always said it is a good pain, probably the only kind of pain I could say that I enjoy. After that we went to a Japanese restaurant and talked about life for a while. I'm learning to let go of my failures and guilt. I'm really just trying to learn to love myself. I think that in my last relationship it really showed up in a strong way that I was incapable of receiving love because I couldn't love myself. I've always struggled with that and I don't know why.

So I'm entering into a new season where I focus on how I can love myself without becoming arrogant and/or too wild and crazy. I am also working hard at denying myself the desire to enter into another relationship until I've made some headway.

I'm tired. Bed

Oversleeping

2008-03-18T21:41:00.002-05:00

I went back to the gym today. I felt like I needed to do something besides sit at home on my ass after work. I know I do physical labor, but maybe this way I'll double my gain. I just remember looking in the mirror and thinking to myself, "Wow, I have really let myself go." That's the first time I've ever really felt like that, but it's true. I've been lazy and haven't done much to keep in shape.

I think the first thing you have to do before you go to the gym is not necessarily be happy with what you look like, but be happy with who you are. Being unhappy with what you look like in context with who you are and your individual physical potential is what working out resolves.

I've been exhausted at work, mentally. I'm getting really frustrated, but I'm hanging in there. I overslept my alarm clock for the second time in a row today though. I've got to figure something out before I get fired.

Facing Nashville Again

2008-03-17T23:05:00.003-05:00

Forgot about this. I had a nosebleed the second day into the show because I got all dried out from riding my motorcycle. We had fun with it though.

We got in at about 3am this morning. It wasn't easy to get up and move around and then go back to sleep. It also wasn't easy to walk back into my room and almost get knocked backwards with unexpected memories of Lindsay. I felt free all week until last night. I guess I just subconsciously expected her to be there and to still care. But that's all gone now. I haven't fully realized that yet. It has almost been a month now.

But the spring is coming back again. The flowers are blooming and the leaves are budding on trees. I'm so excited about that. Life returning to the cold seemingly dead and gray city scape of Nashville. I feel the same changes in my heart.

Right now I really want to get another gig with another tour. I will be checking stuff out here, there, everywhere. I'll figure it out. Until then, it's tax season and Uncle Sam is going to pull my savings out of my ass. I'll fight that battle first.

The Last of the Road for a While

2008-03-16T20:41:00.004-05:00

We're going home now. The bus engine just started and we're all sitting here full and content from a wonderful home-cooked meal. We're going back to Nashville where work waits for me first thing in the morning. I get off the bus, hop in my car, and go to grind away on a job that, as of now, I know not where it is.

I suppose that means it's time to reflect on the total experience. I know we're not done yet. We have one more show to play in Jacksonville FL next week, but I feel like this is the real part of the tour. I know it wasn't long, but I really enjoyed it. I felt special again, like I mattered. Paul and I were talking about it this morning and I expressed to him that when I'm home, I feel like a machine, that I don't really matter at the workplace other than my ability to perform. I know it's not that way to everyone I work with, but for the most part, I feel like a number.

On this tour, everyone poured a lot of confidence in me, untested confidence. They took me in as one of their own and they trusted me to do the job they were hoping for. I'm not perfect at engineering, but they were very patient and encouraging. I think I said that last night, but the reiteration of that should say something.

I can't look down on going back. There are a lot of good things in Nashville and I have the ability to be happy if I so desire. The trip has been good to show me that. I've been so full of joy for these past few days. I want to take that with me so bad. I've been trapped in the dark for a while now, in mundane activity, self pity, mourning of lost love. I felt so relieved when I got on the bus, even though I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'm just so honored to have been a part of this, and when I get back, I will be looking for more gigs for sure.

I guess I can't say enough good things about all that has happened. I documented it as best I could.

Peace and love.

P.S. This was our bus driver Dave. He's the man and he's been with all sorts of big acts. We won't have him on the final leg to Florida, and that sucks. But anyways, I salute him.

Iowa

2008-03-15T22:57:00.009-05:00

Again, another successful show. We got there and met up with a production crew! Exciting for me because they all knew exactly what they were doing and they set up the entire system! That meant that I got to take a break today, kinda act silly too. Paul took some tasteful pictures that really speak of the moments we had during that time.

I don't really know how these pictures will turn out when I publish it. On the layout, they look really jumbled. One of them is of the bus, there's one of Paul and I, and then there's one of the whole crew. We've had a lot of fun.

I really like this group of people. They're all great, really friendly and encouraging to me. I believe in what they are doing because they have the same heart off stage that they do on stage. After one of the shows, Andrew and Andy both played for these two little girls a children's song that they wrote. The girls came to the show all excited to hear it, and it just wasn't in the set list. They also went to do a private show for a woman who was in a coma, dying from aids. I don't know if I have all of the facts straight, but from what I gather, she was Ms. Iowa several years ago, but then she was brutally raped and was infected with aids. The band was so touched by her when they first met a few years ago that they wrote a song about her called "The Queen of Iowa". It's a beautiful song.

Tomorrow is our last show on this leg. Brandon will be coming to visit me and that will be great. I haven't seen him in a while. My friends are all so good to me. I took some time just a few minutes ago while I was waiting for my pictures to upload to look over some old pictures on facebook with all of us together. I was looking at Matt's sister's wedding especially. I really enjoyed that time. It feels like it happened such a short time ago, but it was... well... I guess it was about 7 months? I just remember being really happy there with all of those people in that house. I'm glad they accepted me back after I sort of fell off the map for a while.

So I guess I'll try and get some sleep now. I'm going to be really tired come Monday morning when I have to get off the bus and go straight to work. We'll see what happens.

Peace and love.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore (On the Road to Iowa)

2008-03-15T09:28:00.007-05:00

I did a lot of writing last night and it all got erased because we didn't have a solid connection while we were driving. It was raining and that can really mess with the satellite on the bus. But the tour is progressively getting better as we go. Last night, we seemed to be more relaxed than the previous nights, and I think a lot of that had to do with the time we arrived (we arrived on time), and the state of the sound system, which was great. Their sound guy, Alan, was very meticulous and knew the entirety of the sound system, so he was a great help in getting everything up and running.

I felt really good about how the show ended up sounding. It was very full, though the vocals gave me some trouble. A lot of that had to do with my never having used a digital console before, but it wasn't too difficult. The EQ was a little different being that it was parametric, but it was also a graphical representation on an LCD. That messed with my head a little bit, but I could really get used to it. Monitors were also a little different being that the Aux sends weren't controlled by individual knobs. They were controlled by selecting the individual monitor followed by pushing up the faders for the channels desired.

But again, I'm doing the best I can and the band has been very gracious and patient with me. I know they are used to a guy with a lot more experience, but this is a great opportunity they have given me, and I do not plan on disappointing anyone.

Here are some pictures from Last night's show in Kansas. They're just tech stuff, so it's not crazy fun for the majority, but it's fun for me.

Omagah it's Omaha

2008-03-13T23:41:00.005-05:00

I'm really tired but tonight's show went really well. It almost didn't and I got really worried. I think we all got really worried. Sometimes you walk into a new venue and everyone tells you that their equipment is doing just fine, but then they haven't really tested it to the limits that you are about to push it to. The problems just pour out of the cracks at that point, and all you can do is the best you can. I'm learning, and at a really fast pace. I have to. I don't want to let anyone down.

Here are some of pictures I took tonight of the set up.

So now we're on the bus again on our way to KS. I've got a lot of new ideas that I think will help things run a little more smoothly that I'm kinda excited to try out. We'll see.

I really like the road life. I like getting on a bus in one city and getting off in another. I haven't figured out how to shower yet, and I haven't taken a dump in a while, but that will come.

Other than that, I'm writing new songs in my head. I wish I had a guitar to put it to music, but I don't always need that. I just need to have them to sing in my mind to keep me at peace. It's important for me to be at peace right now because other people are depending on me. I can still mourn about my loss in the quiet of my mind. I just have to make space so that the quiet can exist

I think I'm going to update my music soon.

2008-03-12T19:59:00.004-05:00

Here's the video of the last tour. I tired to put in on here while I was on the bus, but the internet connection was too slow being that it was raining heavily and the bus depends on satellite for all of it's communication needs.

Don't Deny It

2008-03-11T22:57:00.003-05:00

So today I got hit pretty hard as I was working in a quiet room on a job that I really had to focus on. I had to deal with what I felt last night and the past few days because it was just screaming in my ear all day. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. It's not the right way. To pretend that Lindsay didn't exist is wrong. It seems to make sense because it would be easier in the short term, but in the long term, it's a horrible idea.

I need to stand true to the integrity that I know I possess. I cannot deny that I cared for Lindsay a lot, that I loved her and wanted to be with her all the time. I cannot deny that I believed she loved me too, even if she only did for a short while. I cannot deny that neither of us changed towards each other in the relationship, we merely learned more about who we were. I cannot deny that she made the right choice in going to Texas and that I made the right choice in staying here and following my dreams. I cannot deny that I am happy for her, but still miss her deeply. My living in denial of these things over the past couple of weeks has driven me absolutely crazy and I just can't do it anymore. I will just begin to destroy others and myself.

So I let it all go. I'm going to be sad. I have the right to be sad. I have the right to replay it in my head over and over as I feel this pain. But I am dealing with it head on. I'm not going to try and avoid it anymore.

Tomorrow night I leave again for the tour. I'll still be a little nervous, but I feel like getting out of Nashville every once-in-a-while is really good for me. Sometimes it gets hard to breath in this city, but I know I'll be here for a little while longer. I like to know that the rest of the world is still alive and that the extent of my world isn't just encompassed by the dreary borders of Nashville.

I think lots of people are really under the gun right now. Everyone seems to have the same mentality. They're all really stressed out, taking it out on others, or being really passive aggressive... or neither, just dealing with it in their own quiet way. For me it all depends. I try not to unleash my feelings on others at all, but when I need to there's always somewhere for me to go and someone for me to talk to, and that is a blessing. Tonight I went over to the girls' apartment. Natalie was there working on a project, but we just hung out and it was great. Then Catherine and Matt came in and we talked for a while, then they left, then Laurie came in and we talked for a while. I really just think those girls are amazing. They've been so good to me, especially as of late. And though there is a time and a place for chest-thumping and brotherly love, I really need the girls too. That has been something unique to how I've developed over the years here in Nashville. I used to be so macho and into doing just guy things, but I have a deepened respect for my lady friends and what their passions are and just their over-all perspective on things.

I go through this pain with the Lord's blessing upon me.

Trading Reality for Dreams

2008-03-11T00:14:00.002-05:00

It's another late night again for me. I really blew my precious sleep pattern way out of whack last week when I went on tour, but at the same time, I loved it. I'm getting everything in line for the next tour, which we will be leaving for this Wednesday night. I need to rest up, but at the same time, there's so much that I have to get done. I'm not doing a great job of taking care of myself right now as is. I think I let the pain get to me too much last Saturday. I made poor choices and I received the consequences. I'm tired of letting this get to me though. Most of the day now it doesn't. I've almost completely convinced myself that Lindsay was a dream that only lasted a night. There's no physical evidence anymore that proves otherwise. It doesn't seem like a healthy method of dealing with things. The brave man I have in my mind would accept the fact that it happened, be sad, but then move on. I find myself less and less in tune with that guy though. Right now I just want to keep on forgetting because every memory serves as an endless tunnel of thought filled with nothing but pain. Nobody really even seems to mind/notice/care if I do it anyways, so that's something... I guess that Saturday I acted the way I did because she interrupted the reality I have been creating for myself in which I was never hurt. At that point, I lost control.

But I've been feeling better as of today. I needed to ride my motorcycle and I got to, if only for a little while. It makes me miss warmer weather pretty bad. It doesn't seem like Spring will ever come, but at least it's getting darker later now. I am very happy about that.

I am also happy for Brian and Kristin. They are getting married this September!!! Brian called me today and asked me to be his best man! I have never been offered something like that before, so I hope I can do a good job doing whatever a best man does. Standing there! Got it! I think I can do that pretty well!

Well anyways, I'm killing a lot of time just sitting here typing. I need to get some sleep.

The Best for Now for the Best Later

2008-03-07T23:58:00.003-06:00

Just got done with day one of the tour. We were in Taylors SC, and as nervous as I was, I think the show went pretty well. I could really start to enjoy this. I have a video of the tour bus, but I can't load it here because the wireless isn't reliable enough on the bus, especially because of the weather. This bus runs all of the multimedia stuff off of satellite.

I think there's a lot of room for improvement for me in engineering though. I mean I know there's always room for improvement, but I need detailed goals. Right now it's EQ ability. I want to get better at creating spacial quality in sound.

But there's no better place to learn than on the road. You have to know it because there's a lot riding on your ability to do these things quickly and with quality. You can get fired if you screw up too much. That's at least how I learn to do things, under pressure.

The pressure can get to me though. I need to be careful about exceeding my capacity for concern. There's only so much I am capable of controlling with my current understanding. I can't exceed that without experience and knowledge combined, which is what I'm getting. That being said, I shouldn't expect myself to put out a product above and beyond who I am and what I know. That kind of mentality only makes you screw up and freak out even more.

But tonight I know I have the capacity to learn more, but I think I did the best I can do for now. I hope that I met the expectations of the people I was serving, but if I didn't, I know I can pick it up fast. At least I know they were really grateful for me and how hard I worked. They all told me I did a good job.

This is only to further my goal in being positive with myself and making that a habit, instead of ripping myself apart over failure. I think I could accomplish more with a better attitude.

Finally, Lindsay contacted me tonight. She hurt me pretty bad so I didn't really want to talk about it. She said she cares, but I have a real hard time believing that. I blew her off kinda harshly, and I know I shouldn't have. I just have been feeling so good lately, like I could be okay. Then she shows up and picks at the wound. I know that probably wasn't her intent, but that's what how I perceive it.

Waters of Memory

2008-03-05T21:10:00.003-06:00

I go on tour tomorrow. I hope I'm ready. I feel so mixed up about it, like it's the end of my life or something. Ten years down the road it might seem so simple, but then again, if you give most things ten years of thought, it might just become a little more simplified than it originally was.

I'm finally done working in Dickson for now. We worked much later than we anticipated, but it's done. I didn't really have much need to be home anyways. Just got here and did what I was going to do anyways, fix dinner, watch the news, write, read, and go to bed. I have to keep catching myself at work, as I tend to undermine my motivation and determination with defeatist thoughts. I could write a book on defeatist thought and how it destroys your life.

I do that a lot. I don't think most of the problems I have with people are actually with those people. Most of my problems with people are with myself. I do my fair share of projecting and accusing, getting mad, being insensitive, feeling hurt or rejected. I don't really know how much of that is actually legitimate, but I'm going to war with myself over this one. It's a big problem. I'm going to discipline myself out of it by any means necessary.

I think when I drive. I think when I work. I can never be sure or predict what I will think about thought. It just comes. Today I was thinking about the state of America. What if we only had four more years of life left in us? What if the Mayan calendar, which is still more accurate than our own, is right, and life ends in 2012? I don't know if I buy in to all of that, but if you believe you have an end, and you think it is soon, it could compel you to do amazing things, or not... I think most people don't believe that they can be amazing. I think they feel that their purpose in life is to get by, to try and carve out a plot of life for themselves. In the grand scheme of history and of the vast population of this planet, it can be hard to fathom pnersonal worth.

I was thinking along those lines this morning when I remembered Greek Mythology and the belief that after you die and you are delivered by the boat man to the shores of the after-life, you are then given a choice of two pools to drink from. One pool is contains the Waters of Memory, while the other pool contains the Waters of Oblivion. You can drink from the Waters of Memory and remember the life you lived, the good and the bad. Or you can drink from the Waters of Oblivion and remember nothing of your previous life. Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? That runs along the same lines as the Pool of Oblivion. Great movie, by the way. But I sit back and I think about life and how it seems so many people have chosen, in this world, in this day, on their average drives to work, to drink from the Pool of Oblivion and forget their worth, their capacity for greatness, even their capacity for darkness. They just keep driving, teaching themselves that this is what they have been given, that they will never make a difference, that they live to work and work till they die.

I choose to drink from the waters of Memory. I know my life is intense. I know it and I pay for it every day. People I care about leave me, things change, I can't just be happy. I see too much, feel too much, hope for too much. So many people do, but they just don't do anything about it, except regret who they are and hope that it fades with time. It will, but only if you let it. But there isn't a single great person on the pages of history who wasn't extreme, radical, and persistent. I remember that too.

Standing for Something

2008-03-04T22:44:00.003-06:00

I'm in bed right now, partaking in one of the many benefits of having a laptop that I, personally, have never experienced before; having computer access... in bed. I just finished reading and now I'm considering going to bed early. We'll see how long this journal lasts.

I walked out of the house this morning in beautiful 65 degree weather. By lunch time it was snowing (at least in Dickson, TN). Just Tennessee weather for you I guess. It really does bug me sometimes, but I've been lucky to have not gotten sick thus far. Work is pretty crazy. I'm installing 16 flat screen LCD tv's in a pediatric dental office. The TV's hang flat face-down from the ceiling and are for the kids to watch while they get their teeth worked on. WHAT? Kids these days!

Outside of work I've been working. I've been trying to do my best at this Road Managing gig. I've never really done anything like this before, so I have my fair share of questions and I'm trying my best to have all of my ducks in a row before I walk into the communication obligations that the job requires. I leave for SC on Thursday night at 11:45. We get there in the morning and I'll be working all day trying to get everything set up just right. I'm nervous. Of course I'm nervous! This is big and I'm getting paid for it! I'm trying to be confident in my abilities and knowledge, but it's hard. I know enough to know that I don't know near as much as I wish I did.

I like the music though. I know my friends all hate Christian music, and I've gone along with that for a while. Sure, there's a good bit of it out there that is repetitive, uncreative, and lame. Sure there's a good bit of it that comprises an entire culture that I think is wrong. But there does exist stuff that I really like, and I'm not going to be ashamed that I like it, in fact, I will stand up for it. You can't hate something just because it is called "Christian". We do live in a society, after all, that considers blanket statements to be a no-no.

That leads me to another though I've been having. The things I stand for and care about I tend to compromise on a regular basis. I'm so tired of that. I don't want to make people uncomfortable is what it stems from. But a lot of the people around me will attack the things or people I care about and I don't attack back. I just brood about it. But the way I feel is that you are entitled to your opinion to not care for something that I care for. Like sushi for instance. If you say "Gosh, I don't really care for sushi. I just don't like the way it tastes." I can't argue with that. That's how you feel. But if you say to me, referring to someone or something I love, "I hate that, it's stupid. People are dumb for liking that." What you have done is you have included me in your disliking. Then we will probably have a heated debate about it, or perhaps even an argument.

Basically I guess it just comes down to respect. In the company of someone else, have a respect for that person and their tastes in things and people. I mean there are limits to everything, but choose your battles wisely.

On the other side, I don't think it's wrong to stand for something, even if your own friends persecute you for it. My friends don't persecute me for listening to Christian music, but I'm using it as an example. People do get persecuted by the ones closest to them for what they believe.

I guess I didn't go to bed early after all. I'll survive. I just need a good night sleep, to stay asleep. Having dreams about her a lot. Bad ones. I also had a dream that I was being tortured last night by a special ops guy who was trying to induct me into their secret society. The special ops guy turned out to be my grandfather, but I didn't recognize him at first. It took me a second. He was a lot younger, close to my age.

So having said that, maybe I can get some rest tonight. No ex-girlfriends and/or militant torture please.

Still Tormenting

2008-03-03T21:33:00.003-06:00

I talked with Brittany tonight for the first time in a long time. I really miss our talks. We've always been such good friends, especially through college. She encourages me to make better decisions, and I feel like I can be completely honest with her about pretty much everything. She made me realize tonight how I just keep bouncing back and forth from bitterness to sorrow over Lindsay. I'm getting to the point where it seems more like a lucid dream than actual reality. I guess it's been her absence that has inspired such thought. There is no proof of her anymore, not in my room, not online (because I've hidden everything), and not in presence. The only thing I have left to deal with is my memories, which can die relatively quickly if starved in the right way. So I'm starving myself. I can't think of anything else to do. I actually even thought about hiding this journal for a while today. Pretty extreme, I must admit, but I know she doesn't read it, so I didn't bother. She admitted to me that she stopped reading it a long time ago. I don't know why I even still write about her. I am only giving her more control over my heart than I really need. She's somewhere in Texas right now living a completely liberated life, not thinking twice about me or this city. What a luxury that must be.

I'll get past this. I have no choice.

Convince Yourself

2008-03-02T22:15:00.003-06:00

Today was as beautiful a day as I could have hoped for. I feed off of it. I need it so so bad. I was running front of house at church today and it made me pretty nervous because nothing is ever as easy to set up as it should be. I could be more proficient, but I'm not, and that's the fact of it. I want to be better though. It started off rough but during the middle, Todd came up to help me. He does engineering for Amy Grant and Kenny Chesney, among others, but he's not your typical smart-ass sound guy. He's really nice and wants to help, so I asked him, and he did. He's got lots of good advice, and he made my life a lot less stressful this morning. Sound turned out really well and I'm glad because Andrew Peterson was there, and it would look bad for me to not do well in front of the guy who just hired me.

I rode my motorcycle again. We had lunch like usual, but this time it was a little different. Kathy, our waitress for two and a half years wasn't there. There was also a memorial sign up on the window. The owner of our Sir Pizza branch died. I was kinda sad about that, even though I only met him once. Death is hard for everyone, including myself. Irreverence pisses me off though. When people joke about other people dying, even if I ever met the passed person before, it really makes me mad when they pick fun. I just stay silent though. I don't really make it an outward anger.

I went to play frisbee later, and I was excited. It was a beautiful day for it. I got on the field and I looked down and my toe was completely screwed up though. It was all bloody and gross because evidently I have an ingrown toenail. I mended it up after I got home and cleaned the apartment.

The girls came over for dinner. It's nice to have them around again. They're always in such high spirits. We just got done playing board games, and I stop and think about it and realize that I really miss that kind of interaction with friends. Seems like TV takes up more time than it should.

Things are still changing though. I can't forget that. I stop and think now about how I must be over Lindsay leaving me. I don't have that heavy weight on my chest anymore, that is, until I find something that strikes me with the memory of her. I was cleaning my room just now and I found a love letter that I wrote her for Valentine's day. I was going to give it to her, but I lost it in my room and never did. I don't think it would have mattered. Seems like she made up her mind a long time ago. So I return to the state of mind where... well... I'm not really sure what to think. I'm really mixed up, but progressing all the same. My dreams are a little different and my perspectives too. I don't really know what I expect life to be, and I'm so tempted to seek out those drifting easy comforts. I had the opportunity last night. I was asked to come along for something that could have been "fun" and "noncommittal" but I shook myself awake from that dream. I'm not short of the capacity for company, but the quality of company is what concerns me. Maybe I'm becoming "picky". Beauty doesn't matter to me as much anymore as a beautiful and humble spirit.

God why is it so hard for me to be at peace, to be able to let things go? Pride. I'm so proud that I can't admit to being who I am. It's a weird kind of pride that cuts your confidence. It's not arrogant pride. Arrogance laughs in the face of others. This kind of pride is deeper than that. It says that you very well could be better than them, but you're just such a screw up that you can't do it. I expect myself to be better than a screw up, but the fact is, I am a screw up, and so is everyone else.

I guess listening to Iron and Wine right now doesn't help my mood to look on the bright side, and I'm going to write this down to convince myself that it's true. Someday I'll meet a woman who can love me for exactly who I am (Oh God please be true).

The Guilt is Over

2008-03-01T12:58:00.002-06:00

This morning was rough getting started. I had bad dreams all last night about Lindsay that were so tormenting, I don't think I slept very well. She was standing in front of my face, blaming me for everything that lead up to our break up. No matter where I went in the dream, she would be there yelling at me... But I slept until 10 anyways, which is always good. As soon as I got up I hopped into my motorcycle gear and took a spin. I went to Whole Foods and walked around for a while, trying all of the samples. Then I just walked around the rest of the shopping center looking for stuff to bide my time while I waited for Stuffy and Leah to come by and have lunch with me.

It was here that I really felt engulfed by thoughts, putting all of this into a small enough perspective that I can grasp.

She left me, and what's more than that she ran. But I would have left her. I was already thinking of ways to do it, only... after she moved. That being said, I don't know why I'm so hurt. I guess it's just as simple as me thinking that I was the only one that was starting to not care anymore. I thought she really loved me, but she didn't. I don't think she really loved me for a good length of our relationship. She blocked herself off from me a while back because she knew things were going to change. I just didn't see it. I guess that's what hurts. I thought it was all special, but in the end, it wasn't. That and the fact that she ran like she did, as if she was so disgusted with me that she just couldn't even wait to leave when she told me she was going to. That and the simplicity that what was deeply familiar to me is now forever gone.

But I'm done blaming myself. Yeah, there were certain things about me that drew this to a close, but she was wrong too. It's not all my fault this time. She shut herself off from me instead of trying, she broke her promise of unconditional love, and she flat out ran away cool and casual, I guess as some sort of a statement that she wasn't "weak" like she seemed to think that I thought she was. I didn't think she was weak. I just made the mistake of thinking she loved me more than I loved her.

So I'm done with the guilt episode of this ordeal. I'm going to move on with the rest of my life now. I won't be bitter against love either. I still believe it exists and I still believe that there are people out there that mean it when they say it.

Hopeful Tomorrow

2008-02-29T21:14:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is going to be sunny and warm, probably warm enough to ride my motorcycle. I'm excited about that. I'm also excited about getting the time off to go on tour. My company is really working with me on my desire to go on tour. They said that if I enjoyed it enough to do it regularly, they would back me down to contractor status so that I could have work whenever I was in town. That's great news!

As far as my person is concerned, I must admit to being a little emotionally spent. I don't really feel much at all right now, though sometimes I catch myself being caught up in nostalgia or a day dream here or there. I loose concentration really easily and I don't retain much, but that'll all pass with time.

I just have to try my best to hold on to some form of hope. That's all I need. Just something small.

Developing Developments

2008-02-28T17:30:00.003-06:00

So this is the latest news. Last night I was carrying more pain than I could stand. I shut down, couldn't think, pretty much just crawled into a hole and wanted to stay there alone for a while. I don't want to mistreat my friends, but it's hard when pain seems so big. It makes you only want to think of yourself.

But today things were better. I was working with the new guy, Jeff, and we got a lot done. I was sort of filling in as the lead tech because the actual lead tech was called away. Sometimes I feel like a good leader. Sometimes I don't. I felt good today though. We just did our thing and I simply guided it. Jeff is a good guy too. Very interesting.

I got a call last night from Paul though, one that I didn't take. But he was calling to inform me that Andrew Peterson is going on tour soon and he wanted me to meet him to see if he would like to use me on the road. So we had lunch today and everything seemed to click. I'll be his front of house engineer as well as his road manager. All that's left to deal with is getting the time off of work. We're slammed right now and it's going to hurt the company if I take any time off, but I need to do this. I haven't decided what I would do if they denied me the opportunity to go yet. It comes down to my dream, if you could call it that. Do I want this bad enough to jump off a cliff for it? I can't exactly afford to fall through the cracks though. We'll see. I'll be praying about it and remaining hopeful, but after last time, I am nervous for sure.

One thing is for certain. I need to get out of this city for just a little while. I am dwelling too much on my pain, and this city is a constant reminder. It could be worse though, and by listening to my older music I am reminded that it has been much worse than this before.

Peace and love.

Anguish

2008-02-27T22:46:00.002-06:00

Today was so hard. I can't remember the last time that I felt this kind of anguish.

The Creative Collaborative

2008-02-26T22:37:00.002-06:00

Tonight was awesome. Work wasn't really that awesome, but tonight was. I'll start with work though.

At work, everything seemed going well. We were on schedule with what we were doing, but after lunch our boss stopped by. I told him that we found a better way to run the cable than what we thought we would do yesterday. Turns out, it was the wrong way, or so we predict. We might have to pull it all out, even though it is the more sensible way. It has to do with the code that Vanderbilt has selected to construct its buildings by, not the state, but Vanderbilt. So that sucks.

But while I was working, I felt so creative. I was writing two new songs in my head AT THE SAME TIME. One was a rock song and the other was a sort of, I don't want to say jazzy, but... jazzy.

I started recording the rock song with AP at his place, then Stuffy came over. They started talking about all of my songs that they like and now we're going to start a huge project to re-record most of them. I'm excited. I never really had much confidence in my own music, but now I feel at ease enough to let other people collaborate with me and help me refine them. I think it will turn out pretty good.

It's snowing right now, and it's sticking. It will probably be gone when I wake up, but it makes me glad that it is at least snowing.

Peace and love.

Blessing of Friends

2008-02-25T22:48:00.002-06:00

I just had an amazing night with my friends. AP spent a long time talking with me about how all of this unfolded. He said that he was sorry our relationship had ended, but he thought it brought out such great qualities in me and that it equipped me for good things to come.

Paul also dropped by. He is such an encourager. He just listens, and as we know, I am fully capable of talking. He listened to me share about my emotions over all of this, how I've been crying and how simple things have been setting me off. That's one of the things I found through Lindsay, the ability to cry or be emotionally expressive. I don't know what exactly brought it out, but I know that's a big difference about me now. Maybe it's just how she met me when she did. I won't dwell on it, but it happened.

Paul said it is a blessing for us to be able to let it go. Crying is an active relinquishing of control over something, which is what I struggle with. It says that I'm weak, and that I'm surrendering. I need to surrender. Last night when I cried I was doubled over. It felt almost like throwing up it was so strong. There was more to it than just our relationship being over, I am convinced. I think there was years of build-up of disappointment in myself that I was letting go of there on my bed. I am not in control, and it's not my fault. That's what I was crying about too.

I am glad for my friends.

Motorcycle-ycle-ycle-ycle

2008-02-25T19:35:00.002-06:00

The chronicles continue. I'm being very open about myself in these entries I realize. I guess I'm just not afraid to say what I feel like I need to say. Not a big surprise for most of you I'm sure.

Last night I cried myself to a Nyquil induced sleep. I thought I was going to be okay, but it exploded out of me like a starting gun. The next thing I knew it was morning, and time for me to go to work. I wasn't sure what to expect from myself, after all, I knew she was leaving for good at the moment I was driving in.

Up until lunch I found it hard to focus, but then the clouds literally broke and I saw blue sky again. That's sometimes all it takes to put me into a positive mood. I brushed myself off. It was up to me now to deal with what I was going through to the best of my ability, without shame.

I've been trying to focus all day on the things I had before I met Lindsay that I could have back now that she was gone. I am surrounded by good friends who love me dearly, I feel more compelled to go back to the gym, I am already starting to write music again and sing more, I am creative and engaging, and I have strong passions. All of these things were fainted in me in my relationship with her, and I'm going to have to learn how to hold them again. I'm not trying to degrade her. I told my friends the story of how it all went down tonight, and they got mad like I expected them too, but I explained to them that I was not ill towards her and that I didn't want that kind of support from them. It's all very true. I am going to miss her terribly regardless of how much it seems like she misses me, but mourning has drawn to a close. I now have to work on healing and stepping back out to my place in this world.

I rode my motorcycle today and it was incredible. It was exactly what I needed.

Peace and love.

More Writting

2008-02-24T22:12:00.002-06:00

Being alone sends me into spirals of sadness. I'm trying to keep myself surrounded with my friends, but I have to go home at the end of the day and I still have to wake up in the morning alone. Those are the times when I am the most vulnerable. My friends have been good though, to call me, to invite me out. I really need them. I really need the Lord to sooth this immense pain. I will have to learn what to do with my time again. Staying at home alone is so horrible. Thinking on how easy it seemed for her to leave hurts me too. I am going to try to go into work tomorrow and do the best job I can. I sent an e-mail in to my supervisors to let them know what happened. It's going to be really difficult to keep my mind in the game, but I have to so I don't get hurt or hurt anyone else.

Lindsay, You Will Always Be a Part of Me

2008-02-24T16:45:00.004-06:00

Being single again is going to be hard. I said goodbye to Lindsay today for probably the rest of our lives, and that was hard. I cried so hard when I got to my car it hurt my stomach, but I couldn't, I didn't want to, control it. I have come to understand that there are some things in life worth crying about. It's okay for even men to cry.

We both know that this is the right thing for us. She seems to be having an easier time with it than I do, but that's just the way we always were. I tend to dwell on things too much. We knew there were problems in our relationship, but we were choosing to ignore them. But then we both realized what such a great distance was going to do to us. This was something we couldn't work through. So I'd like to speak highly of her in a segment of this journal.

Lindsay and I met when we were stepping onto a new stage of life. We didn't know anything about what the future was going to hold, so in that, we found comfort in each other. It was graduation night and I was in my cap and gown. I was lost in the hall trying to find my section when a girl's voice stopped me. She said my name, and she even knew what section I was in, but I didn't recognize her. She was a pretty girl with long brown hair, blue eyes, and square frame glasses. I was intrigued and I had a conversation with her that I got lost in. She knew me from a concert that I went to in her living room about a month prior. We had talked, and like most people who I only meet for a few minutes, I forgot her name and what she looked like. At the time I thought I was moving back to NC, so I didn't want to try and start anything, but come graduation, I knew I was staying because I had a job. I found out her name and contacted her on Facebook, as lame as that sounds. It was my only means to do so though. I couldn't think of any other way. I asked her on a date, and she said yes. I was really excited and I actually took her out on a real date to a real restaurant where I actually paid for everything. We found out we were into a lot of the same stuff and we both wanted to see each other again. That's pretty much how it all started. Our first kiss was like a movie. It was on a Summer night in a gravel parking lot. I was hesitant and I leaned in, and she could tell that I was hesitating, so she finished the job. As soon as our lips hit, there was a big clap of thunder and it started pouring rain.

She and I had a lot of good times, and we made our fair share of mistakes. She loved me with my flaws and I loved her too. I could never get over the fact that I wasn't perfect, which is one of the things that eventually drove her away from me, but I learned a lot from her. Formulas don't work, you can't find her, she just appears, and she won't be perfect, but that's the beauty of love. You push through the hardships and you hang on. What broke us apart wasn't our lack of trying. It was fate. Our lives were moving in two separate directions and there was no changing that without giving up one of our dreams and passions. That is a demand that neither of us could put on the other, and so it ended as abruptly as it began on Friday night, the 22nd day of the 2nd month of 2008.

I will probably cry more, especially tomorrow as I feel her presence leave this city. It will be a cold and helpless feeling, but I know the Lord will meet me there. I don't think he expects me to be cheerful, and I don't think he'll try to cheer me up. We were designed to mourn over the loss of something dear to us. But my life will continue, I will continue to achieve, and love has certainly not left me.

I hope the world for her. I am not bitter or angry towards her, and any man that says a degrading thing about her in my presence will wish they hadn't. Lindsay, may you always be blessed.

Peace and love.

Figured You Should Know

2008-02-22T23:51:00.003-06:00

Rough night tonight. Lindsay and I decided to part ways. I won't elaborate on it, but I figure it's not really private information. It will get around sooner or later. I just think it's easier for me to write about it than to talk to everyone about it. I had people feel sympathy for me tonight, they were good friends to do so, but now that part is over. I don't need that anymore or all the advice like "Oh, I just know God has someone for you."

"Oh really? I was worried and sad for a moment there."

I've shelled that out to tons of guys who have gone through breakups. It doesn't help and I already know that stuff, so reminding me won't really help much.

Finally, to those of you who are excited about this whole breakup. Sorry, but it won't change our relationship. If you hated us then you hated me too, and that doesn't stand as easily forgotten as most offenses against me. Again, sorry, but that's just the way it is.

Money for Bike

2008-02-22T10:37:00.002-06:00

Hangin out here at work just waiting to be used. It's kinda cool and kinda lame at the same time. I don't have to really do much other than wait around for the programmers to need someone to troubleshoot something... but the thing is, the programmers are pretty competent on their own because they used to be installers too. The reason I feel anxious is because I feel like I should be doing something more, but I'm not. I could be getting a call at any time to go to another site though. I might just be driving all over the place today as it stands. We'll see though.

I have finally caught up on all of the episodes of lost, from the beginning to present. I am pretty pumped, and I predict this will open up more free time for me to figure out what to do with, being that I don't watch four hours of lost every night... I know... not healthy, but I enjoyed it.

I am really excited that the warm weather will be coming back soon. I don't know what I'll do with it... Scratch that. I know exactly what I'll do with it. I'll play more frisbee, and I'll ride my motorcycle. I might even get a back seat soon so that my friends can ride if they wanted to. I'd have to get another helmet though. Honestly it'll all have to come in steps. I mean with getting my bike tuned up, getting a back seat, getting passenger foot pegs, and getting a new helmet... We're looking at about $700. What I'm waiting for is for my bike to get a little older so that I can more easily find parts on e-bay. That should bring it more into my price range. But beyond that, I'd also like to get the back shocks on my bike lowered so that I have a better center of gravity.

But then again, if I get a touring gig, do I really want to pour a lot of money in my bike? I don't know yet.

Stones and Wolves

2008-02-19T00:31:00.004-06:00

I'm sittin here in bed just thinkin. I can't sleep and it's late, but part of that is because I just finished the third season of Lost, and I'm too excited to sleep. But there's a lot of heavy anticipation in my heart right now for things to come. Everything will change, but I'm not sure exactly how. I guess everyone could say that about their own lives. Is there really anything about life that stays the same. Not even God. I know that theologically, God never changes, but his vastness is so broad, sometimes it appears as change to us. I'm just too anxious right now. I need to calm down.

I've been hurting people a lot lately too. It feels like I slowly destroy myself every time I do it, but I do it anyways. I talked about that last night when I wrote in a sense. I do it because I am afraid. It's why I rarely get face-to-face mad at anyone. I don't because I hate acting out of fear. I will hurt someone in my protective evasion rather than attack them head on because I am afraid and my fear makes me afraid. It's cyclical and counterintuitive, and pretty silly when you stop to think about it. But I feel that most people have a higher expectation of me than I can reach. Perhaps it is normal to get angry face-to-face with people, even if you are wrong. Perhaps people expect that every now and then. But I don't feel that way. I feel like I have to maintain, and that there is no room for error.

Last night I wrote in anger. I wrote because I was made to feel inferior and stupid, and it drove me crazy. I attacked a character that, in my mind, has a face, but in most of your minds, probably doesn't. I prefer to keep it that way. In this journal there is no real need to put a figure in the cutout of my anxieties. Stating my anxieties is enough. But then I think, well what if that person read my journal, just on the off chance? I mean it's not completely impossible that they might. And what if they pieced things together and figured it out? I did, of course, credit them with being of a higher intelligence. I mean there is the adage, and one of my favorites I might mention, that "When a stone is thrown into a pack of wolves, the one that yelps is the one that is hit." It means that I am throwing a stone, or a seemingly general statement, into a pack of wolves, or my potential readers. Perhaps it might hit the one that I'm secretly aiming at, perhaps it might hit someone who I didn't intend. But it will probably hit someone.

So why don't I take it down then? I suppose it's because I cannot deny that this is how I feel, even if it is wrong. It didn't come from nothing. There are instances that can back up my case for feeling that way, but I can't exactly speak of it as if it were Truth. To say that such a thing is the Truth about someone limits them to a character in a play. It simplifies them to a script, no more complex than words on a page. When we do that to each other, we might stay comfortable in our own ideal for a time, but we limit the love we can give and the love we can receive. In sort of an obscure way, we numb our own souls to the vulnerability of relationships.

I cannot keep labeling people, because to do that would be hypocritical. It angers me when others label who I am without realizing my complexities, so why would I do that to someone else? Is it wrong to talk about things that upset you or annoy you? I guess it depends on motives, but I would say, in a journal, no. In a public journal, limitations should be taken. That is why I mention no names.

I guess I wrote this down because I was talking with someone today who wanted to know what I thought about several things. As I told them what I thought, it seemed like they were holding back tears of frustration not of what we were talking about, but of me. And perhaps it's the "tell-tale heart" beating under my floorboards, but it convicted me and made me realize how destructive such a simple rant could be. I have a private hand-written journal. That is the place for strong words concerning a man's character that may or may not be accurate.

Prideful Intellectualism

2008-02-17T23:04:00.002-06:00

Intellectualism taken to the extreme... it drives me insane! I'm not the most brilliant man on the face of the earth. Take spelling for instance. I don't spell very well at all. Take writing for instance. My journals don't make a lot of sense. But sometimes I have good things to say, that much cannot be denied... Unless you're just trying to pick it apart...

The character I tend to rub up against the most in my life is the Prideful Intellectual. Let me explain what this person looks like. They are just as insecure as everyone else, but their method of covering that up is different. Some people hide from their insecurities in faith. They flat out deny that they have problems and they use some type of religion to justify or reinforce this. Some people let their insecurities eat them alive, allow them to define who they are, and simply live as a prisoner to them. The prideful intellectual uses knowledge and his own understanding to accomplish an even keel.

They have a gift, that much is true. They see things differently than most people. But their gift gives them potential to be a hero or villain above the rest or to themselves. There are so many people in this world that overachieve because they are afraid, just like the rest of us. They use their knowledge to defend their prejudices. They disagree for the sake of disagreeing. They are noble in their own minds, and people are pitted against them because they are simple-minded and they do not understand the greater weight of things. But like even the most simple-minded man, their pride comes from a source of pain and insecurity. They are shrewed listeners who pick apart every word you speak, argue semantics, play the Devil's advocate at every angle, and run from most things requiring emotional investment. Often times that source of pain comes from moment when they may have had faith in something or someone that let down their expectations. Prodding around long enough, you can find it. It's the subject that makes them the most angry to discuss.

But don't ever expect to beat this person out in a debate or argument. They are extremely well thought out and have high thick walls reinforced by shelves and shelves of books and dissertations. They will set traps for you to fall into. They enjoy argument as an opportunity to bolster their confidence in what they know.

I have a hard time with this character because I am not quick and witty. I am an easy target because though I might be intelligent, I don't have much skill in debate. I am an influencer and an idea man. But this character cannot be influenced and takes pride in picking apart ideas. Sometimes to me it seems as if they are searching for Truth like it was the Fountain of Youth. But Truth can be grabbed as easily as the arm of God. It is not provable by scientific or philosophic knowledge. In fact, the only thing that these kinds of knowledge can prove is what truth might not be, and that path is endless. These types of knowledge are not reserved for spiritual enlightenment, but for understanding the physical and potential world that we live in. If that is what your hope is vested in, then it is only as valuable as the days you live out, which have not been promised to you by God or science. It is then hopeless, and hopelessness seems to be the Prideful Intellectual's peace. It becomes the one thing that stays consistent throughout life.

I am scared by this person the most perhaps because I can see some of my own tendencies in them. Perhaps it is because I am capable of sympathizing with their pessimism that we both refer to as being "realistic". Regardless, my frustration has no end, and I feel that this is something that I must deal with internally.

New Computer New Things

2008-02-12T22:18:00.002-06:00

I just got a mac book today. I don't know if I have mentioned why yet, but a lot has happened since I last wrote, even though it wasn't that long ago.

I got a call last Friday while I was working, a rather unexpected surprise. It was the Road Manager for the Newsboys, offering me the Stage Manager position for the spring tour. The only catch was that they were leaving next Thursday (the day after tomorrow). So I made a few phone calls and started planning. How was I going to pick up everything and start a new life in a week? (Sound familiar?)

I put in my two weeks notice at work and sold my computer to my parents so I could afford a more mobile one (this one). I made all sorts of preparations and told all sorts of people who were all very excited for me. I was excited for me. I felt like I was entrusted with something beyond what anyone would ever give me credit for being able to accomplish on my own. I felt special, recognized, important, and confident.

We were to have a meeting Monday night to go over all of the details. Monday came and I got nervous, so I called them to see what was up. That's when they pulled the rug out from under me. I was let down pretty hard. I felt the opposite of all of those things I felt before.

But I have good friends who are supportive. Paul spent a good amount of time with me encouraging me and helping me get through my frustration. It ended up being a good night. I felt like I went to bed with closure.

I have decided to still leave my current company to pursue touring. I want to because I felt the passion in me come alive. Paul was right last night when he said that this city will try to kill your joy and your excitement because you're dealing in a business that everyone on the outside thinks is amazing, and for that reason alone, you can't show any excitement or you're just as star-struck as the rest of them. I think that's true, and I think I convinced myself, or allowed myself to be convinced that what I was doing wasn't amazing. This whole ordeal woke me up from that, and I want to start over and try again while I'm still young enough to make a few mistakes. So that's what I'll do. I'll keep on trying.

Peace and love.

Exciting News for Tomorrow

2008-02-10T23:36:00.000-06:00

I have some pretty exciting news, but I don't want to say anything right now, not until I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is actually happening. I mean it really feels too good to be true, but that's all I can say for now. I have a lot to get done in a very short amount of time though, some of which is exciting, some of which isn't so exciting. I made a list to give myself a visual reminder of what I need to stay on top of, but I also can't neglect my relationships right now. It's going to be one of those times where I feel spread too thin, but I've got to do my best and hope that people can understand.

Tornado o o o

2008-02-05T22:09:00.000-06:00

There was a tornado tonight. I love, or appreciate, violent weather. I know that's probably because it hasn't ever ripped my life apart, but I just find it fascinating. It's a lot like God. It's an extraordinary display of power, which can be enjoyed, but never taken lightly.

My back also hurts a lot and has for the past several days. That is all.

Simple Pleasure vs the Ideal

2008-02-04T22:54:00.001-06:00

Today was a good day if only for the sunset I got to see on the drive home from work. I'm learning to smile even when things aren't very funny because sometimes if you force yourself to smile, you might realize something to be grateful for.

I find that in my journals one thing is consistent. I speak as if I'm going through a time of trial, and if I just endure long enough, things will get better. The greener grass is on the other side of the mountain. Quite honestly, it's a lie. The greener grass is here, but so is the garbage. It's not going to get better, and it won't really get worse. It's the same, all the way through. I think the idea that it will get better is the reason it hasn't yet. I'm waiting for something to happen, but all of the things that are happening, I don't recognize or appreciate. All of the ideals are killing me.

Super Bowl Hopping

2008-02-03T16:26:00.001-06:00

I've had a great weekend. So far I've written two new songs and I've come out of my shell all together. I'm going party hopping tonight with Paul with all sorts of super bowl parties, so the night holds promise. I've got an itch right now to be progressive. We'll see where that leads me.

Peace and love

The Best of My Ability

2008-02-02T18:19:00.000-06:00

I've said it many times. Happiness is perspective. The difference is what you decide to look at, and I always seem to look at the negative. Sometimes I just want to start over, to pick my life up and change everything in one night. To leave everything behind without a trace. This life isn't that convenient though. We have to deal with the good and the bad, and there's no way out of it. The best thing we can do is let go of that which we have no control over, and focus on what it is that we have going for us.

Did I control my destiny to get to this place? No. I merely made the best decisions based upon what I knew of myself and what I was offered. Were all of those decisions good ones? No way! But they brought me to this place. I've lived my life under the heavy burden that I have to make all of the right decisions or God will be disappointed in me. I don't believe that anymore and I won't stand for others trying to force that on me anymore either. No man can afford to live his life under that kind of obligation. We do not know all, see all, or understand all. Each man does right to the best of his ability, and though that might not be correct all of the time, I think God understands that about us which is why His grace doesn't cost anything.

Cold Over-Rational Resolve Time

2008-01-30T12:07:00.000-06:00

So now that I've been down in the dumps for a while, it's time to move into the next phase of the circle. It's "cold over-rational resolve time". That means that I'll make big decisions with pretty much no emotional contribution at all. This is generally when, while flying by the seat of my pants, I tend to piss the most people off.

Truthfully, I don't know where any of this is going, but the way I am, I never move unless I have a plan. And you know where I stand on plans. You can have as intricate a plan as you can think of, but if it's not on God's agenda, well, just be at peace with that.

In short: Where I will be, and what I will be doing in the very near future is up in the air, but it will be landing soon.

The Darkness of My Inner Thoughts

2008-01-27T15:00:00.000-06:00

This is probably the most self-centered journal I have ever written, but it is raw and true. Just reading it will probably disappoint you, but that is the point. Part of realizing who we are requires that we stop hiding our flaws from each other. So here it is, for the world to see. Hopefully it's a start to something new and better.

I haven't felt this place for a long time, a very distant familiarity for me. It's a depression that hasn't hit me since I was 12 or 13 years old. I don't really know why this weekend sparked it, but I've been in it for most of yesterday and I'm starting to come out of it today.

What are the reasons? Sometimes it's really hard to tell. It is comparable to the age-old debate of which came first, the chicken or the egg. Is it all of the reasons of life crashing down on you at once, or is it the chemical imbalance that causes you to see everything through a hopeless hole in the wall? I don't really care which came first though, because one thing remains constant. The helplessness and hopelessness of it all.

I never really talk to people about depression. I feel like it would only pull them down with me. I don't feel like anyone is capable of pulling me out. That being the case I usually just stay by myself until it passes, which usually takes a few days. People don't understand that though, but I tend to care less and less about what is understood about me. That kind of concern will drive you insane, and it's mostly just projection, nothing concrete that you can prove about other people. All-in-all what it leads to is paranoia, fear, and a passive-aggressive, nature. What's funny to me is knowing how to describe the problem, but not being above it. It's like when my friend Stuffy had malaria. He could describe what was going on in his body, but his knowledge didn't give him any edge over the problem. He just knew. That's it. I just know.

So as I usually wouldn't talk about the depths of my depression with anyone, I will now because I don't have to deal with feedback. I don't want to know what people think about how I feel. I already know it's screwed up.

I just didn't see a point in life. It was like I was miles above the world and could see everything, and it just didn't seem to have a point. I don't have a reason for myself. What I do have a reason for is what everyone else hopes of me. The dreams of the world, family, friends, God. Everyone wants me to be something, something better, stronger, faster. And none of them completely sync up. Beyond that, I don't know what I want. I feel like no matter what I choose to do, it will only be pleasurable for a short time and then it becomes a repetitious hell.

Aristotle, in his Nichomachean Ethics talks about happiness as being the ends, the ultimate purpose in man's life. He said that there are several theories to how happiness is acquired. He seemed to believe that it was a divine gift, but if it could not be obtained divinely, it was possible to work towards it and maybe reach some portion of it. What he talks about is doing everything for the good of its final product. Through perfection of his craft, a man can attain a sense of purpose and a sense of happiness, but the trick is, he has to care about the final ends of that craft. A carpenter would have to care about the completion of the building, and a soldier would have to care about victory. Money doesn't seem to qualify because it will only derive from you the desire to work hard enough to get the money, which doesn't require perfection. So basically, the American dream can't give you happiness because you can attain lots of money, but still feel no personal significance in the face of what has and what will be because there is no end to how much can be gained.

I never did care too much for the American dream, but I also have a hard time with perfection of my craft because I don't really know what I care about. I have been convinced that I care about lots of stuff, but I don't, myself, KNOW what it is on this earth that I care about, save relationships. There it is, the horrible truth about me. I don't care about music. I don't care about audio. I don't care whether or not my company makes more money. I don't care about making money myself other than to protect myself from the people who want money from me. I hate that it is a necessary evil. You have to have money to do so many things. That's why I make it.

Guilt. Because I feel this way I feel guilty. I am a disappointment to the people around me who expect me to have resolve and strength. They need me to have this so that they know how to support me, or to be a part of my successes via vicariously living through them. Once again, you can never truly know. It's all projection. But when I admit that I don't know what it is I'm doing on this earth, the people around me become disappointed, lose hope, feel like they have wasted effort. Their feedback solidifies it, and at that point, it is no longer projection. That gives me an incredible sense of guilt. I have failed the people around me which is the only real thing I care about. I suppose I deserve it though. I'm pretty convincing even if I don't know what I'm doing. That's how I got through my education, and that's how people feel such disappointment after having taken so much time, money, and effort supporting me.

When I was in Africa, Godwin sat me down and talked to me about that because he recognized it right off as soon as I stepped off of the plane. He told me that I was a natural leader and that people would follow me where ever I decided to go. He said that this can easily become a curse, because it is hard to KNOW where it is you should go, and your mistakes will take others with you. He said that he would pray for me because of that. I greatly appreciated his wisdom and his caring enough to take me aside and share that with me.

I can't judge people for feeling disappointment in me. I do it too. I lose respect for people when they fail. I get mad at them when I've worked so hard to help them. It's human love, full of holes and failures, and why don't we just face the fact: The more of it you give, the greater the potential of pain you will most likely encounter.

Not that this is a linear thought process, but I also hate calenders. I don't keep a calender or a day planner because I hate the reinforcement of the fact that my life is stuck in a series of boxes that comprise a bigger box that flip through a year, every year until I die. I hate knowing what those boxes hold and that I can only do as much as I can fit inside one of them. So I forgo a certain portion of dependability and efficiency in exchange for a false sense of liberation from the constraints of time.

Because of all of this, I don't concern myself with eternity as the motivation behind my faith. For lots of people, that's important, but to me, it's hard to understand. I have nothing to gage eternity on but this life I exist in, which, to my understanding, is nothing like eternity. Life is linear, my mind is linear, our forms are linear. Eternity is not linear. But being that this is my only means of comparison, one lifetime seems fine to me. To have faith in the Lord and worship Him through this long road full of bumps and bruises is fine. Queen put it well. "Who wants to live forever?" Not in this life, no thanks. I'm sure I'll be happy when I get to heaven though. When I finally understand that it truly is unfathomable. You can't fit heaven in a calender.

The one thing that has to be different in heaven is our perception of beauty. In this life, we only see beauty because we have ugliness to compare it to. The understanding that time is against us also gives beauty value. I am fully convinced that there is a new definition of beauty in heaven, completely different from what we experience. Somehow it won't have relational value, but it's own perfect value that will never fade. I do look forward to that.

I'm sorry I feel this way. I beat myself up enough about it. I expect myself to be superhuman for the rest of the people around me. I want to be dependable, someone capable of being followed to all of the right places, but I can't do it. I learn it time and time again. So don't love me unless you know and understand the full implications of me inevitably failing you.

Quaking, Moving, Changing

2008-01-20T20:01:00.000-06:00

My soul, my inner being is quaking right now. I can't quite place it yet, but I know the signs of needed change in my life. I'm getting older and wiser and I'm starting to figure out how this world works.

What I want is my own place above all else. Having roommates is great for a time, but there comes a point where we all need to make a place for our selves, and I can feel it pressing down on me. I want my own place to come home to at the end of the day. I want to have to try to be social, not having waiting for me every day. I got spoiled in that regards in college. I lost my creativity because of it. You get "funned out", and there's nothing worse for my creative mind than to lose that creativity. That's part of who I am. I have friends that call me up and ask "what are we doing?". Even Lindsay will ask me what I feel like doing, and I never know. All of the things I used to think were fun, I've done time and time again. Pizza used to be my favorite food, but I eat it almost every day. It loses it's flare after a while. I don't really think I even have a favorite food anymore. Playing video games is great for a time, but it turns into more of an escape than "fun". I've seen so many movies it's scary. All of that and my creativity to write, to sing, to play guitar, to explore, it all just goes out the window.

I need a place where I can go to be alone, but right now I don't think I have the means for it. I'm trying to make that happen though. We'll see what I can get. But I have clear resolve on that. My relationships are lagging because I've got no energy left. I don't even care what people think of me anymore. I know a good few of my friends think I'm a jerk, but oddly enough, I feel nothing.

It's time to let go and grow now. I can't be who I was and I don't know what I will be. I only know what it is that I am... partially. Knowing that, I think I might be able to make some decent decisions about where I can go.

Poetic

2008-01-14T23:14:00.000-06:00

I really miss my poetic side. I think that's something that I've fallen out with since school and technology became such a large part of my life. I get inspired in brief spurts sometimes, reminding me that it's more lost than gone.

Hobby Ideas?

2008-01-13T22:15:00.000-06:00

I realize I haven't written for a while, and it's not like I haven't had the time. I guess I just haven't been motivated to write. It's good that I come back here if nothing but to slow the steady drifting through life. I'm having a hard time thinking as it is, and though I only come back to read through these entries when I'm feeling really confused, it's always been nice to have just to run things through a second time, decided what I consider to really be important.

Once again I'm having a difficult time with motivation. I don't really feel inspired at all to do much of anything and it's pretty much driving me crazy. I know all of the things that I should be doing, but I don't have the drive to do them. I'm letting myself down. It's all a vicious cycle.

I lost my keys today and I freaked out. Lindsay had to be at the airport and I was making her late, and that wasn't very helpful to the situation either. I just freaked. I considered the world to be over and I didn't know what I was going to do. I still had the small voice telling me that I've been through worse, but It's so easy to just pour all of your stress through the first open conduit. I searched everywhere. In Lindsay's car, at church, through the dumpster at church (flue season isn't a great time to dig through trash), and at Lindsay's house. She let me borrow her car being that she is in Ohio right now, so that I could look for them. I finally did find them. They were in her room on her desk. Why would I put them there? I don't know. I have a bad habit of fumbling with my keys with no conscious awareness.

I dislike how I punish myself for those kinds of things though. I get really frustrated about how "stupid" I can be and I just tare at myself until I feel justified. I do it about small things too, sometimes things that I did a long time ago. I hold myself more responsible than is humanly possible. I don't have that much control over being alive. Sometimes it's okay to be human. Sometimes it's okay to enjoy being human.

What I want to find is a good solid hobby doing something that I've always dreamed of doing. I think hunting is a big one. I know guys at work that do, so maybe I could join up with them. At the very least I could go into marksman competitions at gun ranges. I know guys at work that do that as well. It's about time I started using my resources.

Still Mulling

2008-01-03T17:27:00.000-06:00

Things haven't gotten much easier lately, I mean, concerning my direction. I tend to think too much and, though some things are worth thinking about, there are points when you have to let go and relax. I'm not so good at that. I grab on to every piece of evidence I can find and sniff out answers to my uncertainties or problems, even if there really are no answers that could offer me a sense of closure, I still keep looking. It's tormenting at times. Even when I know I should stop thinking, I just can't.

I'm also pretty tired all the time. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I'm taking my vitamins, and I'm going to bed a little earlier, but I'm just tired all of the time. I don't think I have mono, and I don't think I'm coming down with anything. Who knows?

As far as my motivation is concerned, it's pretty much nill right now too. I don't really feel like doing much of anything, going anywhere, or saying much. If I were a billionaire, like Peter from Office Space, I would probably just do nothing. It's like I need a hobby, but there's nothing that really interests me. That's probably where my dissatisfaction comes from. Low motivation starts me into questioning myself, doubting myself. But truth be told, I could always question and doubt. Everybody can. But questioning and doubting is an active choice. It's not something forced upon us. I just wish I could realize that.

Oh well

Pre-life Crisis

2008-01-01T21:12:00.000-06:00

I suppose I never really understood what a midlife crisis was composed of. Why would a man go out and try to redefine his life half way through it? It's kind of difficult to explain, but I think I have a better understanding now.

I'm still trying to figure myself out. I've been introduced to several new experiences and feelings since I graduated, all part of being in the real world, and I just don't know about where I'm going. I feel like what I choose now is what will stick with me. I'm nervous about that. I'm not completely 100% set on my direction yet and coupled with that, I'm having a real difficult time with contentment.

I feel like I'm not reaching my true potential. I'm confused as to what I need to do in order to find some sense of satisfaction, but life has proven to me that nothing is as simple as a spoken answer. It's all about opportunity and making the right decisions.

Anger Managemen

2007-12-18T22:32:00.000-06:00

I'm not going to write much tonight. I say that now, but we'll see where I actually end. I'm really mad right now is all, and all I need to do is spend more time venting. Venting never helped me. It only makes things worse because it convinces me that I am justified in my anger. I really do have an anger management problem though. It's rare that I do get angry, but when I do, it's highly likely that I'll overreact about something or blow up and burn a bridge or two. The only thing is that my bridges are a lot bigger and more important these days than when I was growing up. Sometimes I just wish I didn't care. I wish nothing bothered me and that I didn't care about anyone's feelings. But I do care, and to the point where it's futile. You can't please everyone all of the time, but whenever anyone is displeased with me it drives me out of my mind, so I'm being driven out of my mind a lot.

No amount of writing is going to get to the bottom of this. I'm going to close my door, watch a movie, and go to bed. I just want to be alone for a while.

The Full Intangible Circle

2007-12-17T00:22:00.000-06:00

This is all jumbled up. I think it flows, but then again, it's late. I hope it makes sense to you.

Sometimes I don't think I appreciate my life enough. God called me out on the carpet today at the church Christmas party. It was just a passing comment, but sometimes passing comments to a broad audience are the ones that can hit you the hardest. "I really have come to appreciate this life God has given me." Randall said as he was proposing a toast of sorts to the gathering.

I find myself complaining or thinking things are unfair or limiting myself. I do that because I only see things as how they are now, now tomorrow, not really yesterday all that much either. Is that how I am supposed to view my life? I know that scripture emphasizes faith like a child, but I didn't really realize what that meant until now. It's actually quite complex. Nothing is as difficult for me as reverse learning and that's just what child-like faith is. It calls for us to let go of the complexities of life and to walk in the confidence of the unseen. How ridiculous that sounds to an educated man! But education can be quite burdensome in itself. It makes apparent to the learner just how backwards the world is, and it is a vast understanding that increases the value of hope almost to an unattainable measure. Ignorance in exchange for hopelessness, one darkness in exchange for another.

I suppose that what we are supposed to do with education is to better this life as best we can, even in the face of the seemingly most hopeless of existences. That is the noble calling, but since when was nobility something admired by our culture? I mean if nobility makes money, then sure, but otherwise it sorta throws a wrench in the fine oiled capitalist machine that our daily lives are founded on.

So all of the darkness of education is tied back in to the difficulty of sharing that with faith, or at least, faith like a child.

Perhaps a child-like faith demands that we see our adversities not in our own educated or uneducated perspectives, but in the perspective of God. In that case, regardless of how large it seems, it is actually very small, and why worry over something very small?

But the educated mind wants to grab a hold of every detail and measure it out, to become involved, to solve problems, to wrestle with Truth. It is very difficult for that same mind to depend on a God who demands our dependency on Him.

But what is the mind for if not for the development of it's fullest potential? What was God's design in giving man a mind? Sometimes it feels like we were set up for failure just with the way our minds work, but this was evidently man's choice made in the beginning and every day since.

Then comes the devil. Because I know the power of my own mind and the passions and desires of the sin within me, I find it hard to believe in Satan's intervention in my personal affairs. Not only is it unspecified as to whether or not the Devil can be omnipresent, but I'm capable of falling just fine on my own. I don't feel spiritually powerful enough to necessitate an entity to waste time setting me up for failure. If I ever did have an encounter with the Devil, I'd consider it more of an encouragement than a moment of fear. I mean, if I could piss off the Devil enough to gain his personal attention, I must be doing something incredibly right and important in the course of God's will. But I don't really know if the Devil has to deal with too many of us Americans. We do a dandy job of falling on our own because we cannot master our minds or our flesh. Turn on the radio, turn on the TV, surf the web, drive your car on the highway. The feeble constitution of our minds and our flesh is not just product of our every-day lives, but a necessity, pulling it all into a full and seemingly inescapable circle. If the poison doesn't work, your children don't eat.

I want freedom from that, but would I be willing to give up everything required to receive it? The rich man and Jesus. To me, that story speaks not to a man, but to a country, and even more intangible than that, an idea.

I'm out for the night folks. Peace and love.

The Harder Days of Work

2007-12-11T23:27:00.000-06:00

Work is getting to the breaking point right now. I worked 92.5 hours last week as of Sunday night. Because we needed it, my coworker and I took the day off yesterday and got some solid R and R. Before that, the other guys here at the local office were grateful that we have been here helping them. Today, however, they could do nothing but harass us about the time off. They haven't had time off in a while, but that is no one's fault but their own. This job is so incredibly screwed up, and all they can seemingly do is try to place blame on anyone but themselves. They're even trying to place blame on us, the one's who volunteered to help them. I regret having volunteered. I will never work to help them again. Any service of mine given to them will only be out of following a direct order from the company. They have no appreciation or respect for those of us who have left our homes to come and pick up their broken pieces.

They have begun to set us up for failure. They look for ways to snare us, so we have to be on our toes. I am liable to break and bite someone's head off. They tend to aim at me because I'm smaller than my coworker, but what they don't realize is that I've been victimized as a small person my entire life and that my temper and sense of vengeance is a great deal more terrible than that of my coworker. I am small, but I will lay into them if they press me too hard. I already let my supervisor at the Nashville office know. He understands and is looking in to the matter. Evidently there haven't been too many wholesome encounters between Memphis and Nashville branches. But it feels good to have bigger and more powerful people in the company standing in my corner.

In fact, today I received an e-mail from the CEO of the company giving me an accolade for a job I did with Ron at Tennessee Tech. The CEO of the company thinks I overachieve the standard and set and example to the rest of the company. That makes me feel pretty good. I think I can use that to endure the rest of the week with diplomacy instead of war. It's really difficult though. I have a hard time refraining, and it burns me that they underestimate me so much. I must be patient though and think of other things. I've been singing when no one is around just to calm my soul. I pray a lot too. I just need the Lord to deliver me from my sense of pride and give me a heart of peace.

I pray for that church too. I feel an unnatural sense of evil when I am there. The spirit of self-indulgence has a foothold under that roof, and I sense the Lord in opposition to the projects completion. He has been merciful to my coworker and I, but the rest of the team is under threat of losing their jobs. The gear is also not coming together as planned. There are freaky things happening that really make you think. For instance, we were installing two $65,000 projectors and they were sitting on their box on the floor. This is a new building mind you. We then moved the projectors into their positions and a few minutes later it began to pour rain. Turns out there was a leak in the new ceiling... just above where the projectors were sitting before we moved them.

I don't know. I feel like I'm in the middle of something that I would rather not be a part of, but I am all the same. I'm tired more than anything, but I only have two more days left to deal with them and this place. Then I am going back to Nashville. I miss Lindsay!

Wires and Zombies

2007-12-06T22:05:00.001-06:00

The work has been hard and very demanding for the past four days, but satisfying. My body is finally adapting to the heavy work hours and I'm already at 48 as of the end of the day today. I'll have three more days after this to work, and the hours will be even longer. I might perhaps double that number. But I've been doing my best to stay healthy given the time of year, the weather, and the limited sleep. I'm on vitamins and I am drinking vitamin energy drinks, mostly to keep myself awake, but they also double as immunity boosters. So far so good. I have a bit of a runny nose and an occasional headache, but I'm surviving. I just need to last until Sunday really. That's the most demanding of the workload even though I will be staying in Memphis until next Friday.

I'm documenting the immensity of the job with a disposable camera. I'm doing my best not to piss anyone off while I take pictures, but I think most of them understand my reasoning. It's big and it's messed up. We're working on a five thousands seat church, installing a huge video broadcasting system in for them. So far, very little has gone right with the job. Some of the guys are saying that it is cursed, but I've been on several jobs that were like that. None of those jobs required, however, that I work 12 hour and up days for over a week. I don't know though. Sometimes I wonder if God might be angry at the amount of money being spent to appear "state of the art". It seems that spirituality might have very little to do with millions of dollars worth of technology and more to do with a personal commune with the Lord. I know they are my companies clients, but it is really hard not to judge these people. It just seems like such a squandering of blessing, especially knowing that some of the things that have been installed are more for ego than for utility, but God can use all things to his glory. After all, what do I, a simple young adult, know of the complexities of theology and how to run a church? I'm young, full of passion, and limited in experience. But can't experience also blind you to the truth? The routine of comfortability and the comfortability of routine can often times become an iron circle, never acknowledged by the older more "experienced". It seems to me that the spirit of discerning somehow quietly dies and is replaced by the spirit of deciphering what is and what is not comfortable to one's personal self somewhere along the weary trail of life.

Ah, let me stop bitching. That's all the world needs is another activist bitcher to grumble and complain about things he has no control over.

Anyways, we've pulled so much cable that it's getting in our heads. My coworker and I both had bad dreams last night about pulling cable. I don't know what his was, but mine was that we were pulling cable that ran through a conduit under the building, under ground (which is completely normal). The element of surprise was that the conduit ran through an Indian burial ground, and because of this, the wire that was passed through that conduit came out on the other side with a curse upon it. Anyone who touched that wire would turn into a zombie.

I know I know... WAY too many zombie movies out there, it's been done. But hear me out.

So in the dream a bunch of us started turning into zombies and we were trying to figure out why. Eventually we found out about the wire thing, but it was after we had already pulled a bunch of wire and we didn't know exactly which wires they were because it was something like thirty wires out of a thousand that were infected. I might also note that you could be infected through a biting. Now the number of wires is accurate to our actual job. We have handled close to a thousand individual wires, all of which runs through conduit running both through the ceiling and under ground. Finally we wound up in this cloistered room. There were zombies outside the door trying to get it and it was just me and my sister.

This is where it got way too scary.

We were talking about what we were going to try to do and then all of the sudden I had a sudden urge to try and bite Grace. I snapped out at her, but didn't. I stopped myself and apologized as if it was casual, but then realizing what that must mean. We spent some time freaking out and then I sat down. I told her that I wanted to give her my last wishes before I turned, but that she needed to kill me before I did turn completely. So once I was done saying my peace, she had to kill me (with what, I don't know, the dream wasn't that specific). So I sat against a wall opposite a large mirror and I began to tell Grace to tell everyone that I loved them and to tell Josiah about me when he got old enough and that I was sorry about everything I ever did that may have hurt anyone. As I was going through all of this my skin started to sag and change to a greenish color and my muscles all tightened up. She was trying to hold my hand, but I just couldn't sit still as I saw myself changing faster and faster. I was shaking and crying and scared and then... of course... the alarm clock.

Get up, get dressed, and go run some more wire.

So yes, freaky dream, not much good sleep last night, hard work, getting through it. That's the story. I'll write more if I have time. Peace and love.

Notepad

2007-12-02T00:11:00.000-06:00

I leave tomorrow for Memphis. There's a lot I haven't done yet to get ready to go, and I leave at 2. I think I can pull it all together in a few minutes though. I imagine they'll be working us pretty hard this week. I don't know if I'll be taking my computer yet or not either. I'd like to, but then again, it's one more thing to lug around.

I'm really tired right now. Today was a busy day. It was enjoyable too, mainly because we got out and did something beyond the typical. That said, I'm here in my room, knowing that I have to get up early tomorrow, but I'm still here just sitting and writing late at night.

I think I'm going to start carrying a note pad around with me. Stuffy does it a lot, and it's a way for him to write down his thoughts and observations throughout the day, and I think that would be good for me. I just get here on most nights wanting to write something, but I'm fresh out of ideas because I don't really retain my thought throughout the day until night. I just address them one at a time, and then out they go. I'd like to get back into writing music again too. I just suffered too many confidence busters as of late. People really don't like listening to my music that much, but I can't let that stop me or I'd be a liar. I have always said that I write my music for myself. That should be able to stand trial.

I guess I'll be going to bed now. I should try and get a solid night's sleep. Sound in the morning. Blah.

Steady Hands

2007-11-30T13:51:00.000-06:00

Time to do some writing. I've been slowly but surly coming out of my funk, dealing with my thoughts as best I can. After all, I am my worst enemy. It's all my mentality, and I know just where I am the weakest.

I think trying to establish confidence in myself is the first step in recovery. My grandfather once told me that when you say to yourself "Ah, you idiot!" or "Duh, why didn't you think of that earlier!", it really reaches down into your sub conscience and you start believing that about yourself. I think that's true for me especially. I have convinced myself that I'm not good enough.

That being the case, whenever I find myself in a difficult situation, I feel that it is my responsibility to see it through, but I don't have the confidence in myself to get there. I get depressed about it.

So for the past few days I've been trying to focus on brighter and higher things. I usually start of my day with a Psalm or a Proverb to think about as I drive to work. I just need some discipline and I think I'd be all right. We'll get there though.

Anyways, right now I have to get back to studying for my CTS certification. I have one last chance to pass, and that's tonight. I also am going to Memphis all next week. That's final as of yesterday.

Peace and love.

Me Vs. Me

2007-11-28T17:48:00.000-06:00

All of my problems seem to be stemming from my blatant inability to yield responsibility or control over a situation. I always feel like there's something I should do, or should have done to prevent adverse outcomes to situations I encounter on a daily basis. I don't know why I'm so negative all of the time. I can't be at peace.

It seems to me that this place I am in, whenever I am here, leads deeper and darker or around and around, like a dog chasing its tail. There is an excessive amount of negative energy floating around from day to day, and when you start focusing on it, you only see more and more. It never breaks. That's what leads to depression. It's a place where everything is against you and you are completely void of hope for something better.

When I'm really stressed out, I'm just tired all of the time. I don't want to really do anything or get out. I'm just fine sitting and doing nothing.

But right now I'm going to just sit on my bed for a while and be quiet with my eyes closed. I'll do that for about half and hour and then I'll make dinner. After that I'm going to study for my certification test. I take that tomorrow.

Other word on the street is that I might be going to Memphis next week. I hope not, but if I do, oh well. I'll be there with Jason and he's a pretty good guy. Well, I'm out.

Peace and love.

Problems

2007-11-26T23:42:00.000-06:00

I'm really freaking out right now. I feel like every little thing that could go wrong, pretty much is. My phone just broke in time for me not to be able to make my payment on time. The awesome tool set I got from my parents for an early Christmas gift is broken. The batteries won't charge, so I have to see if I can exchange it. I just payed $36 for a new phone battery that isn't even the root of the broken phone, so I'll have to find time to be able to take that back and exchange it. I'll have to find money for a new phone entirely. I've got bills to pay and my money is running thin. My room is a mess. I have a huge test that I have to take on Thursday for my CTS certification, and I've got a lot to study. I'm having a real hard time finding peace right now. No matter what I do, now matter how hard I try, there is always something or someone against me. My stomach is twisting.

Growlings

2007-11-19T22:33:00.001-06:00

I'm growing a lot right now. I can feel it. Pretty much every where I turn I face the option of feeling sorry for myself, or standing up and being a "man" about things. Now I say being a "man". That word has many definitions. My definition of being a "man" is taking the hard way because it has more to offer. That simply means that you dwell on higher things, you desire the right an honorable rout in every situation, and you desire to make Christ your center.

I strive for it all the time, but I'm better at failure than I am at success. I think the hardest part has to be being hated and ostracized by the people around me. It wears me down that the people I care about feel hate towards me and conspire behind my back. But we all have the option to choose the path we take. Hatred or love, selfishness or servitude. As hard as it is, I will continue to strive to be the servant. I will fight the hatred in my heart and my selfish nature in order to be the man I need to be.

Too Late to Be Writing

2007-11-19T01:07:00.001-06:00

I'm sitting here, still awake. I could go to bed if I wanted to, but I just don't feel done yet. I've been trying to rid my mind of stress all weekend. Let me tell you, I don't think this apartment has ever been so clean. I also made a 45' RCA to 1/8" cable to run from my computer in my room to the DVD player in the living room so that I can play my iTunes playlist on the surround speakers. I wanted something to listen to while I cleaned.

I'm still feeling it though. The stress. I just can't stop thinking about finding the solution to all of my problems if I look hard enough or if I make myself right with God enough, but ultimately it all falls on my abilities to take action. But I'm so tired of taking action and I'm tired of all of the world's hardships that keep knocking me down. I just want peace, but I keep setting myself up for failure.

I think the hardest part of being me is my sense of obligation to keep everyone I come into contact with happy. It just can't be done! And what's more is that whenever I let go of that, on those very very rare days, I just feel so much more happy.

I want to get to the bottom of that. I know that it's in there somewhere, the root of it all. I try to eat the right foods, get enough sleep, keep my task list filed down, and fill my life with enough culture, pray enough, but it never seems enough. It feels like a fire that can't be quenched. I just need to stop sometimes, but it's so hard. It's so hard to just let it all go.

I'll Do the Best I Can

2007-11-17T16:17:00.000-06:00

This week was really stressful. I was offered a job in Raleigh on Tuesday morning that would have appeared to be a great opportunity, but initially I didn't take it so well. What it meant in my life was that I had to let go of everything I've held on to for the past five years, and move on... all in about two weeks. That was a lot to chew in one day. So time progressed and I got the council I needed in order to make a better decision and I finally declined Friday. I did it because I just don't think I'm ready and I don't think I have the experience I would like to have in order to feel secure in the position I was offered. I'm staying here for the time being, and I'll get by.

On top of all of that, little stresses have been wearing me out. I'm plagued by the sense of duty I have to make everyone around me happy, and it just can't be done. I'm not going to try anymore. I don't have the resources to do it and it's making my life miserable. I'm not going to feel bad every time I disagree with someone, or every time I say no.

So I'll get through these next few days. I'll be going to NC on Wednesday with Lindsay. I've got a few more Christmas gifts to buy and then I'm putting up the No Vacancy sign. I just need to figure out a way to better manage my stress. I need to accept the fact that I can't fix this world and it's people and all of their problems. I'll do the best I can.

Peace and love.

The Feeling of Death

2007-11-13T22:16:00.001-06:00

There is no way through life on an easy path, at least, not for me. I have come to a crossroads, completely at random, out of the blue. Never before in my life have I been stood before two choices that would cause me to be wrenched apart. I am a weak man sent to sacrifice my son on the alter before God. I have been given three days to find myself in obedience with God, to trust Him, that he holds Lindsay and I in His highest.

But right now all I see is blackness in a place where I fear I must go. Or do I see the wisdom and sacrifice in staying in here? Three days to analyze my entire life and see if I have the strength to let go of everything I hold dear and start over again.

There is so much of me that I wish could be mended now. There is so much of me that has been uncovered, strengths and weaknesses that I did not know I had.

What is the most frightening part of all of this is? Not only do I fear being separated from Lindsay for an unknown duration of time, but I prayed last week in my car that God would take me and do whatever it takes to break me into the faithful servant that I wish to be, but lack the strength to be. Those were pretty much my exact words. Is this the answer to what I prayed? Did I know what I was praying? Is this just a test? Am I to take Isaac to the alter and will the Lord provide a ram in his place? Can I submit to the Lord? Won't it hurt no matter what I do?

I need more sleep tonight than usual. I will go to Bible study to share my heart tomorrow morning before work. I need all of the prayer I can get. Please God.

Peace and love.

Climbing, but how fast?

2007-11-09T16:23:00.000-06:00

Driving around Nashville provides it's problems. I've never lived in a city where 9 out of ten times while driving around, I will see a wreck. Maybe I won't actually see it happen, but I will see it. It is true that this isn't exactly Atlanta, where cars are manufactured all twisted together so as to face the inevitable. This is just a larger city. But in all honesty, I never remembered Greensboro, NC, which is almost the size of Nashville, to be this crazy with traffic. I don't know... I'll get over it just as long as I stay out of accidents.

I had a review with my boss today. He can be very intense at times and I had a hard time figuring out if he was trying to point things at me in particular, or if he was just making a point in general. He was cursing and speaking forcibly and condescendingly about things that are wrong with the install crew. I wasn't exactly comfortable, but I was hearing what he had to say and thinking back through my memory to see if I had violated any of the TI Commandments. I told him where my goals lied and what I was going to do, roughly, to get there. I have ambition, and when I see something that I want, I will have it. I told him that I am quite content where I am because I'm learning the basics. I also told him that my education has prepared me for something a little higher than where I currently am, but by being here I am building an important foundation and gaining lots of valuable experience. All of this is true. Finally I asked him what he had heard about me on the field, and he said he's heard nothing but good things. That means I must be doing a good job. I'm going to work harder though, just because I know I can be the best out there if I focus. I'm not trying to beat anyone out, but this is the standard I hold myself to. I feel compelled always to be rising to the top.

Peace and love.

Gold 1995 Toyota 4-cylindar Confessional (With a sqeek in the steering wheel)

2007-11-08T16:32:00.000-06:00

Going against God. What does that mean to me? I think what it immediately translates to is "guilt", deep seated painful guilt. Unlike most of you readers, I tend to sin a lot in a 24 hour period, and I'm pretty conscious of it. I know when I have gone against God's will for my life. I often feel like if I would have been there, I would have gorged myself on the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Sin isn't ugly. It's beautiful. It's like a poison arrow frog. It's colorful and you are drawn to it, but it will kill you if you touch it.

It's really only visible as sin to me the first few times though. After a while it kinda falls back on the radar as just something you "struggle with" before it completely fades from the picture. Addicted sin is the worst for me and at this age, that's where most of it lies. It's sin that you have created space for in your life. You feed it and it hangs out with you.

I spent a while in the car today just praying, and not the stereotypical prayer either. I just had a conversation with God that I might have with a mentor. It felt good because I didn't feel condemned. I think that condemnation or disappointment is the hardest part about seeking counsel. I'm so used to not being helped when I open myself up to others for counsel. Instead, most of what I get is this kind of "look down to the ground, feel shocked, and just be quietly brooding" effect that really just helps me deal with sin. That's how we should always do it (sarcasm). But seriously, when most people open themselves up to someone, it's because they already feel guilty. Your job at that point, if you are relied on, is to be strong enough to help that person cope and get through it.

But fortunately for me, I have fallen into a small group of guys that believe in sin, a. and know how to help others with it. The thing is, we all sin, but fortunately, we all don't struggle with the exact same ones. None of us try to appear as super saints to each other. We get down and dirty and bring out stuff that most people wouldn't admit. But that's the first part to healing. That's why God gave us the church to begin with, but it really isn't like that anymore for the most part. Now a days, that's the last place where you would find someone openly struggling with sin. That's where people go who are "fixed". They never have deep sin struggles, they never have doubts about God, they never have to apologize to anyone for anything they do. They are righteous, set free, and completely healed... Unless you look too closely. I believe one of my biggest struggles growing up was believing that to be true about people that claimed it. Eventually, if you hang around someone long enough... well... sin can't be covered by our actions just like fire can't be covered by paper. It will eventually burn through. Everyone has something under their bed that they won't talk about because, and this is what was revealed about myself today, we are more worried about social condemnation than we are of eternal damnation. We will hide sin that is completely visible to God from each other because we are more conscious of what they might think than of what He has promised.

The truth of the matter is that God wants us to have each other to lean on, to confess to, and to encourage. I'm not saying that guilt never exists. Sometimes one would go to another and point out a sin that they might be quite fond of. This responsibility, I believe, is held for someone of deep trust to that person, but I'm sayin, it exists.

Confession was never a part of my daily life growing up, so I'm learning a lot about it now. I think to most kids, confession is what happens right before a punishment or a guilt trip. But what I'm learning about confession is that it is what happens right before God cradles you in His arms, and what happens right before the deepest and most dependable relationships in your life are realized.

That is all.

Peace and love.