I'm figuring out what it means to believe in something even if you don't necessarily feel it. I believe in love, but I can't feel it right now. I know people love me, but I'm being honest in my pain. I can't engage in a man to woman love right now at all. It just feels empty and unreal even though I know it exists. And I could try to cover my feelings with petty things, but I can't do that either. I have to feel the pain of not feeling.
If my life were a book, I would gladly rip out that part of it by the pages. I see nothing anymore that is worth remembering because all memory does, even what might be considered as good, is remind me of failure, loss, and suffering.
"Don't embrace the past." I heard in a song today. That's hard for me. To think that I would let such a small fraction of my life dictate so much of my emotion. I have so much more to build off of, so much that wasn't even touched by her. When it comes down to it, she didn't even really know me all that well because I kept so much of myself hidden from her. Why can't I see it in that light. There is a great deal of worthwhile me left to be salvaged from this wreckage.
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I don't know why you insist on belittling what we had, even more so when you repeatedly told me how it was all real. I'm still here if you want to talk, I'm not the monster that you are making me out to be.
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