It's another late night again for me. I really blew my precious sleep pattern way out of whack last week when I went on tour, but at the same time, I loved it. I'm getting everything in line for the next tour, which we will be leaving for this Wednesday night. I need to rest up, but at the same time, there's so much that I have to get done. I'm not doing a great job of taking care of myself right now as is. I think I let the pain get to me too much last Saturday. I made poor choices and I received the consequences. I'm tired of letting this get to me though. Most of the day now it doesn't. I've almost completely convinced myself that Lindsay was a dream that only lasted a night. There's no physical evidence anymore that proves otherwise. It doesn't seem like a healthy method of dealing with things. The brave man I have in my mind would accept the fact that it happened, be sad, but then move on. I find myself less and less in tune with that guy though. Right now I just want to keep on forgetting because every memory serves as an endless tunnel of thought filled with nothing but pain. Nobody really even seems to mind/notice/care if I do it anyways, so that's something... I guess that Saturday I acted the way I did because she interrupted the reality I have been creating for myself in which I was never hurt. At that point, I lost control.
But I've been feeling better as of today. I needed to ride my motorcycle and I got to, if only for a little while. It makes me miss warmer weather pretty bad. It doesn't seem like Spring will ever come, but at least it's getting darker later now. I am very happy about that.
I am also happy for Brian and Kristin. They are getting married this September!!! Brian called me today and asked me to be his best man! I have never been offered something like that before, so I hope I can do a good job doing whatever a best man does. Standing there! Got it! I think I can do that pretty well!
Well anyways, I'm killing a lot of time just sitting here typing. I need to get some sleep.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Friday, March 7, 2008
The Best for Now for the Best Later
Just got done with day one of the tour. We were in Taylors SC, and as nervous as I was, I think the show went pretty well. I could really start to enjoy this. I have a video of the tour bus, but I can't load it here because the wireless isn't reliable enough on the bus, especially because of the weather. This bus runs all of the multimedia stuff off of satellite.
I think there's a lot of room for improvement for me in engineering though. I mean I know there's always room for improvement, but I need detailed goals. Right now it's EQ ability. I want to get better at creating spacial quality in sound.
But there's no better place to learn than on the road. You have to know it because there's a lot riding on your ability to do these things quickly and with quality. You can get fired if you screw up too much. That's at least how I learn to do things, under pressure.
The pressure can get to me though. I need to be careful about exceeding my capacity for concern. There's only so much I am capable of controlling with my current understanding. I can't exceed that without experience and knowledge combined, which is what I'm getting. That being said, I shouldn't expect myself to put out a product above and beyond who I am and what I know. That kind of mentality only makes you screw up and freak out even more.
But tonight I know I have the capacity to learn more, but I think I did the best I can do for now. I hope that I met the expectations of the people I was serving, but if I didn't, I know I can pick it up fast. At least I know they were really grateful for me and how hard I worked. They all told me I did a good job.
This is only to further my goal in being positive with myself and making that a habit, instead of ripping myself apart over failure. I think I could accomplish more with a better attitude.
Finally, Lindsay contacted me tonight. She hurt me pretty bad so I didn't really want to talk about it. She said she cares, but I have a real hard time believing that. I blew her off kinda harshly, and I know I shouldn't have. I just have been feeling so good lately, like I could be okay. Then she shows up and picks at the wound. I know that probably wasn't her intent, but that's what how I perceive it.
I think there's a lot of room for improvement for me in engineering though. I mean I know there's always room for improvement, but I need detailed goals. Right now it's EQ ability. I want to get better at creating spacial quality in sound.
But there's no better place to learn than on the road. You have to know it because there's a lot riding on your ability to do these things quickly and with quality. You can get fired if you screw up too much. That's at least how I learn to do things, under pressure.
The pressure can get to me though. I need to be careful about exceeding my capacity for concern. There's only so much I am capable of controlling with my current understanding. I can't exceed that without experience and knowledge combined, which is what I'm getting. That being said, I shouldn't expect myself to put out a product above and beyond who I am and what I know. That kind of mentality only makes you screw up and freak out even more.
But tonight I know I have the capacity to learn more, but I think I did the best I can do for now. I hope that I met the expectations of the people I was serving, but if I didn't, I know I can pick it up fast. At least I know they were really grateful for me and how hard I worked. They all told me I did a good job.
This is only to further my goal in being positive with myself and making that a habit, instead of ripping myself apart over failure. I think I could accomplish more with a better attitude.
Finally, Lindsay contacted me tonight. She hurt me pretty bad so I didn't really want to talk about it. She said she cares, but I have a real hard time believing that. I blew her off kinda harshly, and I know I shouldn't have. I just have been feeling so good lately, like I could be okay. Then she shows up and picks at the wound. I know that probably wasn't her intent, but that's what how I perceive it.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Waters of Memory
I go on tour tomorrow. I hope I'm ready. I feel so mixed up about it, like it's the end of my life or something. Ten years down the road it might seem so simple, but then again, if you give most things ten years of thought, it might just become a little more simplified than it originally was.
I'm finally done working in Dickson for now. We worked much later than we anticipated, but it's done. I didn't really have much need to be home anyways. Just got here and did what I was going to do anyways, fix dinner, watch the news, write, read, and go to bed. I have to keep catching myself at work, as I tend to undermine my motivation and determination with defeatist thoughts. I could write a book on defeatist thought and how it destroys your life.
I do that a lot. I don't think most of the problems I have with people are actually with those people. Most of my problems with people are with myself. I do my fair share of projecting and accusing, getting mad, being insensitive, feeling hurt or rejected. I don't really know how much of that is actually legitimate, but I'm going to war with myself over this one. It's a big problem. I'm going to discipline myself out of it by any means necessary.
I think when I drive. I think when I work. I can never be sure or predict what I will think about thought. It just comes. Today I was thinking about the state of America. What if we only had four more years of life left in us? What if the Mayan calendar, which is still more accurate than our own, is right, and life ends in 2012? I don't know if I buy in to all of that, but if you believe you have an end, and you think it is soon, it could compel you to do amazing things, or not... I think most people don't believe that they can be amazing. I think they feel that their purpose in life is to get by, to try and carve out a plot of life for themselves. In the grand scheme of history and of the vast population of this planet, it can be hard to fathom pnersonal worth.
I was thinking along those lines this morning when I remembered Greek Mythology and the belief that after you die and you are delivered by the boat man to the shores of the after-life, you are then given a choice of two pools to drink from. One pool is contains the Waters of Memory, while the other pool contains the Waters of Oblivion. You can drink from the Waters of Memory and remember the life you lived, the good and the bad. Or you can drink from the Waters of Oblivion and remember nothing of your previous life. Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? That runs along the same lines as the Pool of Oblivion. Great movie, by the way. But I sit back and I think about life and how it seems so many people have chosen, in this world, in this day, on their average drives to work, to drink from the Pool of Oblivion and forget their worth, their capacity for greatness, even their capacity for darkness. They just keep driving, teaching themselves that this is what they have been given, that they will never make a difference, that they live to work and work till they die.
I choose to drink from the waters of Memory. I know my life is intense. I know it and I pay for it every day. People I care about leave me, things change, I can't just be happy. I see too much, feel too much, hope for too much. So many people do, but they just don't do anything about it, except regret who they are and hope that it fades with time. It will, but only if you let it. But there isn't a single great person on the pages of history who wasn't extreme, radical, and persistent. I remember that too.
I'm finally done working in Dickson for now. We worked much later than we anticipated, but it's done. I didn't really have much need to be home anyways. Just got here and did what I was going to do anyways, fix dinner, watch the news, write, read, and go to bed. I have to keep catching myself at work, as I tend to undermine my motivation and determination with defeatist thoughts. I could write a book on defeatist thought and how it destroys your life.
I do that a lot. I don't think most of the problems I have with people are actually with those people. Most of my problems with people are with myself. I do my fair share of projecting and accusing, getting mad, being insensitive, feeling hurt or rejected. I don't really know how much of that is actually legitimate, but I'm going to war with myself over this one. It's a big problem. I'm going to discipline myself out of it by any means necessary.
I think when I drive. I think when I work. I can never be sure or predict what I will think about thought. It just comes. Today I was thinking about the state of America. What if we only had four more years of life left in us? What if the Mayan calendar, which is still more accurate than our own, is right, and life ends in 2012? I don't know if I buy in to all of that, but if you believe you have an end, and you think it is soon, it could compel you to do amazing things, or not... I think most people don't believe that they can be amazing. I think they feel that their purpose in life is to get by, to try and carve out a plot of life for themselves. In the grand scheme of history and of the vast population of this planet, it can be hard to fathom pnersonal worth.
I was thinking along those lines this morning when I remembered Greek Mythology and the belief that after you die and you are delivered by the boat man to the shores of the after-life, you are then given a choice of two pools to drink from. One pool is contains the Waters of Memory, while the other pool contains the Waters of Oblivion. You can drink from the Waters of Memory and remember the life you lived, the good and the bad. Or you can drink from the Waters of Oblivion and remember nothing of your previous life. Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? That runs along the same lines as the Pool of Oblivion. Great movie, by the way. But I sit back and I think about life and how it seems so many people have chosen, in this world, in this day, on their average drives to work, to drink from the Pool of Oblivion and forget their worth, their capacity for greatness, even their capacity for darkness. They just keep driving, teaching themselves that this is what they have been given, that they will never make a difference, that they live to work and work till they die.
I choose to drink from the waters of Memory. I know my life is intense. I know it and I pay for it every day. People I care about leave me, things change, I can't just be happy. I see too much, feel too much, hope for too much. So many people do, but they just don't do anything about it, except regret who they are and hope that it fades with time. It will, but only if you let it. But there isn't a single great person on the pages of history who wasn't extreme, radical, and persistent. I remember that too.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Standing for Something
I'm in bed right now, partaking in one of the many benefits of having a laptop that I, personally, have never experienced before; having computer access... in bed. I just finished reading and now I'm considering going to bed early. We'll see how long this journal lasts.
I walked out of the house this morning in beautiful 65 degree weather. By lunch time it was snowing (at least in Dickson, TN). Just Tennessee weather for you I guess. It really does bug me sometimes, but I've been lucky to have not gotten sick thus far. Work is pretty crazy. I'm installing 16 flat screen LCD tv's in a pediatric dental office. The TV's hang flat face-down from the ceiling and are for the kids to watch while they get their teeth worked on. WHAT? Kids these days!
Outside of work I've been working. I've been trying to do my best at this Road Managing gig. I've never really done anything like this before, so I have my fair share of questions and I'm trying my best to have all of my ducks in a row before I walk into the communication obligations that the job requires. I leave for SC on Thursday night at 11:45. We get there in the morning and I'll be working all day trying to get everything set up just right. I'm nervous. Of course I'm nervous! This is big and I'm getting paid for it! I'm trying to be confident in my abilities and knowledge, but it's hard. I know enough to know that I don't know near as much as I wish I did.
I like the music though. I know my friends all hate Christian music, and I've gone along with that for a while. Sure, there's a good bit of it out there that is repetitive, uncreative, and lame. Sure there's a good bit of it that comprises an entire culture that I think is wrong. But there does exist stuff that I really like, and I'm not going to be ashamed that I like it, in fact, I will stand up for it. You can't hate something just because it is called "Christian". We do live in a society, after all, that considers blanket statements to be a no-no.
That leads me to another though I've been having. The things I stand for and care about I tend to compromise on a regular basis. I'm so tired of that. I don't want to make people uncomfortable is what it stems from. But a lot of the people around me will attack the things or people I care about and I don't attack back. I just brood about it. But the way I feel is that you are entitled to your opinion to not care for something that I care for. Like sushi for instance. If you say "Gosh, I don't really care for sushi. I just don't like the way it tastes." I can't argue with that. That's how you feel. But if you say to me, referring to someone or something I love, "I hate that, it's stupid. People are dumb for liking that." What you have done is you have included me in your disliking. Then we will probably have a heated debate about it, or perhaps even an argument.
Basically I guess it just comes down to respect. In the company of someone else, have a respect for that person and their tastes in things and people. I mean there are limits to everything, but choose your battles wisely.
On the other side, I don't think it's wrong to stand for something, even if your own friends persecute you for it. My friends don't persecute me for listening to Christian music, but I'm using it as an example. People do get persecuted by the ones closest to them for what they believe.
I guess I didn't go to bed early after all. I'll survive. I just need a good night sleep, to stay asleep. Having dreams about her a lot. Bad ones. I also had a dream that I was being tortured last night by a special ops guy who was trying to induct me into their secret society. The special ops guy turned out to be my grandfather, but I didn't recognize him at first. It took me a second. He was a lot younger, close to my age.
So having said that, maybe I can get some rest tonight. No ex-girlfriends and/or militant torture please.
I walked out of the house this morning in beautiful 65 degree weather. By lunch time it was snowing (at least in Dickson, TN). Just Tennessee weather for you I guess. It really does bug me sometimes, but I've been lucky to have not gotten sick thus far. Work is pretty crazy. I'm installing 16 flat screen LCD tv's in a pediatric dental office. The TV's hang flat face-down from the ceiling and are for the kids to watch while they get their teeth worked on. WHAT? Kids these days!
Outside of work I've been working. I've been trying to do my best at this Road Managing gig. I've never really done anything like this before, so I have my fair share of questions and I'm trying my best to have all of my ducks in a row before I walk into the communication obligations that the job requires. I leave for SC on Thursday night at 11:45. We get there in the morning and I'll be working all day trying to get everything set up just right. I'm nervous. Of course I'm nervous! This is big and I'm getting paid for it! I'm trying to be confident in my abilities and knowledge, but it's hard. I know enough to know that I don't know near as much as I wish I did.
I like the music though. I know my friends all hate Christian music, and I've gone along with that for a while. Sure, there's a good bit of it out there that is repetitive, uncreative, and lame. Sure there's a good bit of it that comprises an entire culture that I think is wrong. But there does exist stuff that I really like, and I'm not going to be ashamed that I like it, in fact, I will stand up for it. You can't hate something just because it is called "Christian". We do live in a society, after all, that considers blanket statements to be a no-no.
That leads me to another though I've been having. The things I stand for and care about I tend to compromise on a regular basis. I'm so tired of that. I don't want to make people uncomfortable is what it stems from. But a lot of the people around me will attack the things or people I care about and I don't attack back. I just brood about it. But the way I feel is that you are entitled to your opinion to not care for something that I care for. Like sushi for instance. If you say "Gosh, I don't really care for sushi. I just don't like the way it tastes." I can't argue with that. That's how you feel. But if you say to me, referring to someone or something I love, "I hate that, it's stupid. People are dumb for liking that." What you have done is you have included me in your disliking. Then we will probably have a heated debate about it, or perhaps even an argument.
Basically I guess it just comes down to respect. In the company of someone else, have a respect for that person and their tastes in things and people. I mean there are limits to everything, but choose your battles wisely.
On the other side, I don't think it's wrong to stand for something, even if your own friends persecute you for it. My friends don't persecute me for listening to Christian music, but I'm using it as an example. People do get persecuted by the ones closest to them for what they believe.
I guess I didn't go to bed early after all. I'll survive. I just need a good night sleep, to stay asleep. Having dreams about her a lot. Bad ones. I also had a dream that I was being tortured last night by a special ops guy who was trying to induct me into their secret society. The special ops guy turned out to be my grandfather, but I didn't recognize him at first. It took me a second. He was a lot younger, close to my age.
So having said that, maybe I can get some rest tonight. No ex-girlfriends and/or militant torture please.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Still Tormenting
I talked with Brittany tonight for the first time in a long time. I really miss our talks. We've always been such good friends, especially through college. She encourages me to make better decisions, and I feel like I can be completely honest with her about pretty much everything. She made me realize tonight how I just keep bouncing back and forth from bitterness to sorrow over Lindsay. I'm getting to the point where it seems more like a lucid dream than actual reality. I guess it's been her absence that has inspired such thought. There is no proof of her anymore, not in my room, not online (because I've hidden everything), and not in presence. The only thing I have left to deal with is my memories, which can die relatively quickly if starved in the right way. So I'm starving myself. I can't think of anything else to do. I actually even thought about hiding this journal for a while today. Pretty extreme, I must admit, but I know she doesn't read it, so I didn't bother. She admitted to me that she stopped reading it a long time ago. I don't know why I even still write about her. I am only giving her more control over my heart than I really need. She's somewhere in Texas right now living a completely liberated life, not thinking twice about me or this city. What a luxury that must be.
I'll get past this. I have no choice.
I'll get past this. I have no choice.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Convince Yourself
Today was as beautiful a day as I could have hoped for. I feed off of it. I need it so so bad. I was running front of house at church today and it made me pretty nervous because nothing is ever as easy to set up as it should be. I could be more proficient, but I'm not, and that's the fact of it. I want to be better though. It started off rough but during the middle, Todd came up to help me. He does engineering for Amy Grant and Kenny Chesney, among others, but he's not your typical smart-ass sound guy. He's really nice and wants to help, so I asked him, and he did. He's got lots of good advice, and he made my life a lot less stressful this morning. Sound turned out really well and I'm glad because Andrew Peterson was there, and it would look bad for me to not do well in front of the guy who just hired me.
I rode my motorcycle again. We had lunch like usual, but this time it was a little different. Kathy, our waitress for two and a half years wasn't there. There was also a memorial sign up on the window. The owner of our Sir Pizza branch died. I was kinda sad about that, even though I only met him once. Death is hard for everyone, including myself. Irreverence pisses me off though. When people joke about other people dying, even if I ever met the passed person before, it really makes me mad when they pick fun. I just stay silent though. I don't really make it an outward anger.
I went to play frisbee later, and I was excited. It was a beautiful day for it. I got on the field and I looked down and my toe was completely screwed up though. It was all bloody and gross because evidently I have an ingrown toenail. I mended it up after I got home and cleaned the apartment.
The girls came over for dinner. It's nice to have them around again. They're always in such high spirits. We just got done playing board games, and I stop and think about it and realize that I really miss that kind of interaction with friends. Seems like TV takes up more time than it should.
Things are still changing though. I can't forget that. I stop and think now about how I must be over Lindsay leaving me. I don't have that heavy weight on my chest anymore, that is, until I find something that strikes me with the memory of her. I was cleaning my room just now and I found a love letter that I wrote her for Valentine's day. I was going to give it to her, but I lost it in my room and never did. I don't think it would have mattered. Seems like she made up her mind a long time ago. So I return to the state of mind where... well... I'm not really sure what to think. I'm really mixed up, but progressing all the same. My dreams are a little different and my perspectives too. I don't really know what I expect life to be, and I'm so tempted to seek out those drifting easy comforts. I had the opportunity last night. I was asked to come along for something that could have been "fun" and "noncommittal" but I shook myself awake from that dream. I'm not short of the capacity for company, but the quality of company is what concerns me. Maybe I'm becoming "picky". Beauty doesn't matter to me as much anymore as a beautiful and humble spirit.
God why is it so hard for me to be at peace, to be able to let things go? Pride. I'm so proud that I can't admit to being who I am. It's a weird kind of pride that cuts your confidence. It's not arrogant pride. Arrogance laughs in the face of others. This kind of pride is deeper than that. It says that you very well could be better than them, but you're just such a screw up that you can't do it. I expect myself to be better than a screw up, but the fact is, I am a screw up, and so is everyone else.
I guess listening to Iron and Wine right now doesn't help my mood to look on the bright side, and I'm going to write this down to convince myself that it's true. Someday I'll meet a woman who can love me for exactly who I am (Oh God please be true).
I rode my motorcycle again. We had lunch like usual, but this time it was a little different. Kathy, our waitress for two and a half years wasn't there. There was also a memorial sign up on the window. The owner of our Sir Pizza branch died. I was kinda sad about that, even though I only met him once. Death is hard for everyone, including myself. Irreverence pisses me off though. When people joke about other people dying, even if I ever met the passed person before, it really makes me mad when they pick fun. I just stay silent though. I don't really make it an outward anger.
I went to play frisbee later, and I was excited. It was a beautiful day for it. I got on the field and I looked down and my toe was completely screwed up though. It was all bloody and gross because evidently I have an ingrown toenail. I mended it up after I got home and cleaned the apartment.
The girls came over for dinner. It's nice to have them around again. They're always in such high spirits. We just got done playing board games, and I stop and think about it and realize that I really miss that kind of interaction with friends. Seems like TV takes up more time than it should.
Things are still changing though. I can't forget that. I stop and think now about how I must be over Lindsay leaving me. I don't have that heavy weight on my chest anymore, that is, until I find something that strikes me with the memory of her. I was cleaning my room just now and I found a love letter that I wrote her for Valentine's day. I was going to give it to her, but I lost it in my room and never did. I don't think it would have mattered. Seems like she made up her mind a long time ago. So I return to the state of mind where... well... I'm not really sure what to think. I'm really mixed up, but progressing all the same. My dreams are a little different and my perspectives too. I don't really know what I expect life to be, and I'm so tempted to seek out those drifting easy comforts. I had the opportunity last night. I was asked to come along for something that could have been "fun" and "noncommittal" but I shook myself awake from that dream. I'm not short of the capacity for company, but the quality of company is what concerns me. Maybe I'm becoming "picky". Beauty doesn't matter to me as much anymore as a beautiful and humble spirit.
God why is it so hard for me to be at peace, to be able to let things go? Pride. I'm so proud that I can't admit to being who I am. It's a weird kind of pride that cuts your confidence. It's not arrogant pride. Arrogance laughs in the face of others. This kind of pride is deeper than that. It says that you very well could be better than them, but you're just such a screw up that you can't do it. I expect myself to be better than a screw up, but the fact is, I am a screw up, and so is everyone else.
I guess listening to Iron and Wine right now doesn't help my mood to look on the bright side, and I'm going to write this down to convince myself that it's true. Someday I'll meet a woman who can love me for exactly who I am (Oh God please be true).
Saturday, March 1, 2008
The Guilt is Over
This morning was rough getting started. I had bad dreams all last night about Lindsay that were so tormenting, I don't think I slept very well. She was standing in front of my face, blaming me for everything that lead up to our break up. No matter where I went in the dream, she would be there yelling at me... But I slept until 10 anyways, which is always good. As soon as I got up I hopped into my motorcycle gear and took a spin. I went to Whole Foods and walked around for a while, trying all of the samples. Then I just walked around the rest of the shopping center looking for stuff to bide my time while I waited for Stuffy and Leah to come by and have lunch with me.
It was here that I really felt engulfed by thoughts, putting all of this into a small enough perspective that I can grasp.
She left me, and what's more than that she ran. But I would have left her. I was already thinking of ways to do it, only... after she moved. That being said, I don't know why I'm so hurt. I guess it's just as simple as me thinking that I was the only one that was starting to not care anymore. I thought she really loved me, but she didn't. I don't think she really loved me for a good length of our relationship. She blocked herself off from me a while back because she knew things were going to change. I just didn't see it. I guess that's what hurts. I thought it was all special, but in the end, it wasn't. That and the fact that she ran like she did, as if she was so disgusted with me that she just couldn't even wait to leave when she told me she was going to. That and the simplicity that what was deeply familiar to me is now forever gone.
But I'm done blaming myself. Yeah, there were certain things about me that drew this to a close, but she was wrong too. It's not all my fault this time. She shut herself off from me instead of trying, she broke her promise of unconditional love, and she flat out ran away cool and casual, I guess as some sort of a statement that she wasn't "weak" like she seemed to think that I thought she was. I didn't think she was weak. I just made the mistake of thinking she loved me more than I loved her.
So I'm done with the guilt episode of this ordeal. I'm going to move on with the rest of my life now. I won't be bitter against love either. I still believe it exists and I still believe that there are people out there that mean it when they say it.
It was here that I really felt engulfed by thoughts, putting all of this into a small enough perspective that I can grasp.
She left me, and what's more than that she ran. But I would have left her. I was already thinking of ways to do it, only... after she moved. That being said, I don't know why I'm so hurt. I guess it's just as simple as me thinking that I was the only one that was starting to not care anymore. I thought she really loved me, but she didn't. I don't think she really loved me for a good length of our relationship. She blocked herself off from me a while back because she knew things were going to change. I just didn't see it. I guess that's what hurts. I thought it was all special, but in the end, it wasn't. That and the fact that she ran like she did, as if she was so disgusted with me that she just couldn't even wait to leave when she told me she was going to. That and the simplicity that what was deeply familiar to me is now forever gone.
But I'm done blaming myself. Yeah, there were certain things about me that drew this to a close, but she was wrong too. It's not all my fault this time. She shut herself off from me instead of trying, she broke her promise of unconditional love, and she flat out ran away cool and casual, I guess as some sort of a statement that she wasn't "weak" like she seemed to think that I thought she was. I didn't think she was weak. I just made the mistake of thinking she loved me more than I loved her.
So I'm done with the guilt episode of this ordeal. I'm going to move on with the rest of my life now. I won't be bitter against love either. I still believe it exists and I still believe that there are people out there that mean it when they say it.
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