The Guilt is Over

This morning was rough getting started. I had bad dreams all last night about Lindsay that were so tormenting, I don't think I slept very well. She was standing in front of my face, blaming me for everything that lead up to our break up. No matter where I went in the dream, she would be there yelling at me... But I slept until 10 anyways, which is always good. As soon as I got up I hopped into my motorcycle gear and took a spin. I went to Whole Foods and walked around for a while, trying all of the samples. Then I just walked around the rest of the shopping center looking for stuff to bide my time while I waited for Stuffy and Leah to come by and have lunch with me.

It was here that I really felt engulfed by thoughts, putting all of this into a small enough perspective that I can grasp.

She left me, and what's more than that she ran. But I would have left her. I was already thinking of ways to do it, only... after she moved. That being said, I don't know why I'm so hurt. I guess it's just as simple as me thinking that I was the only one that was starting to not care anymore. I thought she really loved me, but she didn't. I don't think she really loved me for a good length of our relationship. She blocked herself off from me a while back because she knew things were going to change. I just didn't see it. I guess that's what hurts. I thought it was all special, but in the end, it wasn't. That and the fact that she ran like she did, as if she was so disgusted with me that she just couldn't even wait to leave when she told me she was going to. That and the simplicity that what was deeply familiar to me is now forever gone.

But I'm done blaming myself. Yeah, there were certain things about me that drew this to a close, but she was wrong too. It's not all my fault this time. She shut herself off from me instead of trying, she broke her promise of unconditional love, and she flat out ran away cool and casual, I guess as some sort of a statement that she wasn't "weak" like she seemed to think that I thought she was. I didn't think she was weak. I just made the mistake of thinking she loved me more than I loved her.

So I'm done with the guilt episode of this ordeal. I'm going to move on with the rest of my life now. I won't be bitter against love either. I still believe it exists and I still believe that there are people out there that mean it when they say it.