Divine Guilt

I don't know how I feel right now... Confused? Scared? Excited? I don't know. Stuff is goin on that's moving me in all different directions emotionally, physically, spiritually. It's really freaking me out. I think I realize how much of life I have taken for granted. Struggles have brought me into the understanding that life is serious and we do have a great many decisions that we can make either wisely or poorly and we will have to live with those decisions after they have been made. The kind of decisions I make now determine the kind of person I will become. It's not all just fun and games. Will I become the kind of person I desire to be? Honorable, wise, kind, loving, strong, decisive, a good listener, charitable... It's so hard to see that far. I now know the heart of Paul when he wrote (I think it was in Romans) that he knows what he should do, but he just can't seem to do it. He always fails.

And there is an incredibly strong duality within my being as of this moment. It has happened several times before where I will be driving along comfortably and then I am hit with something very real, very revealing, and very much a determinant as to where I go in life. My soul and my spirit are in the middle of a huge battle and it's beginning to spill over to my body. God has still maintained His presence and control through all of this, though I still can't quite get the thought out of my head. "How much will He allow me to screw this up?"

As far as lovers are concerned, I am a neglecting lover of the Lord. Sometimes it's hard for me to consider myself a Christian because of what the word means. "Christ-like"? Do I really think that I am "Christ-like"? I know Jesus and I know myself, and it's so hard to see the similarities most of the time. I just fail so much. I know I hurt Him, but yet He still fights for me. That's the divine aspect of it all. If I loved a woman like I loved Him, she would undoubtedly leave me in a very short period of time.

There are two types of guilt. There is the kind of guilt you feel out of the fear of knowing you have done wrong, and that is a guilt that I have no room for in my life. It causes fear to grow, it dashes your confidence, and it rapes you of your knowledge of love. This is the most common form of guilt because it is most commonly taught and distributed by man. But unknown to me until recently in my life, there is a second kind of guilt. It is the kind of guilt that you receive when you have violated the bonds of love. It does not attack the heart in the same manner as fear-driven guilt. It nudges the heart and whispers softly. It does not make you want to run. It makes you want to swallow your pride and come back. It is the tight hug after a fight in which you knew you were wrong but you persisted in fighting anyways. This is divine guilt, messiah, God is with us.

Peace and love.