Targeting Myself

Work was kind of difficult today. I just got home and already I'm writing. That in itself should be an indicator. I was driving the van today and when I left the office, all was right in the world. I felt like I had my head sewed on pretty tightly. I thought that until I got to the job site and hour away and realized that after having loaded in the supplies for the job, I had completely forgotten about my tools. I was so ashamed, and I sank into a dark shroud of guilt and worthlessness. My co-worker soon arrived and I told him about it and he didn't get as discouraged as I would have imagined. He said he had enough tools for the both of us, but in all honesty, that mistakes was the outlet my frustration was looking for. My frustration's favorite target is myself. For me there is less guilt in being frustrated with myself than being frustrated with other people. The reason being is that I know what I'm thinking all the time, and so there is no confusion or misconception when I come to a final judgment. When I get frustrated with other people and it comes to the surface, it's pretty easy for them to convince me that I'm wrong and that I should be frustrated with myself instead of them. It's a cycle, but that's just the way I am.

I don't usually wear it on my sleeve though. I can keep my cool and forge ahead, while inside a huge battle commences. It's my "I've got things together" face, and I wear it well. I think I'm finding the source of things right now as I sit at home alone in the quiet. I think the source of it is all of the crap piling up behind me in my home life while I work. I need to take the night off just to get caught up. I'll probably still go swimming if I can get things done in time, but I'm going to be working hard at sorting out my mind today.

Maybe I'll talk more later.