It has been a good while since I last wrote, and I came to do some thinking as I was consciously refraining from updating my life here. I'm afraid that my online journaling has come to an end. This will probably be the last post I write, at least for a long long time. It just became something that I never intended it to become. Habitually I would pool all of my emotions into this space where everyone could read. They weren't well thought out and they weren't even consistent with my beliefs, but I wrote them anyways. It became ammo that people could use against me, but only because I gave it to them.
So I'll sum things up with what I'm doing next, and that will be the last of it. If you want to know about me, you'll just have to talk to me.
I'm formulating a plan. I've been in limbo for a good while now trying to figure out where the next move should be. I have so many options, but I'm now allowed much more time to make decisions than I used to be. So it might get a little hairy, but I want to take my time and formulate a plan that I feel that I can adhere to. That's harder said than done though. I like and dislike many different things, and when choosing the right path at this stage in life, it is important to take all of that into consideration. I suppose this journal and my college journal would be very good for that. They have served a purpose in documenting the strong and weak points of who I am, as well as my progress and regression.
All I've really figured out so far is that I could be anywhere in the world a year from now. I've let go of ideas of planting roots for now. I will go where I need to go, but it also needs to make sense for me to go there, to be useful and beneficial to more than just myself. Face it. Things here are going to change drastically in the next few months. I stayed because I loved the way things were, but things change. We shouldn't lament that too hard, it's just the way things happen. But we would be better to adapt, to know who we are and face the future with that understanding while still holding a place in our hearts for the things that were. I might just be talking out of my ass. It's completely possible that I will be called to stay here. But I don't know. I don't know when it will happen and how, but I feel something moving in me, and it's not dinner.
But I've manned up over the past few months. My attitude has changed and I don't let myself get depressed anymore. I still feel lingering shadows sometimes, but they are faint. I have begun to learn how to choose what it is that I think about and I'm getting better at it. I was becoming increasingly shallow, but I have now found that life isn't about me. The story is much bigger. So what will happen with all of that? I don't know. I don't pretend to. But it won't be written down here.
Peace and love
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Fire Flies
I had a great weekend. Today was great. I think it was supposed to happen this way. I was too poor to drive to Asheville to hang out with some of my friends who were going to meet me there, but I didn't get upset about that. I'll see them before the summer is out, I'm sure. Instead I spent time with Matt, Catherine, her parents, Kayla, and Natalie, who stopped by for a short visit this evening. I ran sound at church this morning and it went really well. I'm really becoming efficient and skilled at that. It can be hectic at times. What am I saying? It is always hectic, but the more I do it, the more I get used to it. And it sounded good, and there were no real problems. But afterwards we did the Pizza thing and then I went home and had a video chat with most of my family in NC, even my aunt and uncle from England and my toddler cousin Emilia... which coincidentally is the name of my tomato plant... funny, just thought of that. Not spelled the same though, but whatever. It was good to see everyone.
I spent a good bit of time after that just writing music and singing. I didn't come up with anything that I really liked, but I am still in love with the process of trying, even after all of these years. That led into a nap and then Kayla, Catherine, and her parents showed up for the cookout. It was a good time, and I mean that. I know that saying "it was a good time" is sort of trivial and I've probably overused that phrase in this journal several times, but I mean it. I just can't express it. It kept my mind off of work and the stress I've been finding there, all of my frustrations in finance and my future. That's what good times are supposed to do, right? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the walk we had at dusk through the golf course. It's firefly season now, so the field across the street really lights up starting at dusk. I went out there last night and just stood for several minutes looking out into the woods and up into the sky. I was trying to find constellations that I recognized. I found the big dipper. I don't remember if Orion is in the sky right now, but that's the other one that I can pick out pretty easily. The woods didn't really have constellations, but they might as well have. I mean if the fireflies just glowed constantly and hovered in one place, you could probably connect lines between them to draw some obscure picture that looks like something familiar. But the inconsistency and fluidity of their light is what makes them so interesting to watch
I don't know what anything I just said means to you, but to me it means one thing. I have peace right now in the midst of adversity. I know myself and I know God, and I know that I don't have to spend too much time worrying because I know that God will send opportunities my way, and I know that I will recognize them when they arrive. Does that mean that I'll feel good all of the time? Probably not. My mind still drifts and I still slosh back and forth in my short-term emotional bucket, but that's simply evidence of human passion. If anything should remind us that we are still alive, it should be that. But it's when that little short-term bucket becomes your world and what you see life through... I think that's when it becomes a problem.
That's a problem that I am familiar with, but I know now what gets me in, and I know what gets me out.
I'm different now. I don't think it's a change that is as noticeable in a mirror or even just by talking to me, but I feel it. I'm not who I was last year, and I'm not what most people feared I had become this year. I may still wear small traces of those times, but there's just something different now, and I really like it.
Here comes Holly. She's Matt's white cat. They're both a little skiddish, but Holly is the most uneven. I think she might be a bit brain damaged. She contorts herself at times in strange ways with confused look on her face, and she is easily scared by... well... pretty much anything. She also throws up on a regular basis and is very skinny, but she checks out at the Vet and she's been like that her entire life. Anyways, she has taken a liking to me. Not Elli. Elli doesn't come out of Matt's room. But Holly will sleep in my bed with me. Sometimes I don't like it because she'll sit on my chest and meow in my face. I just hisss really loud at her and she freaks out and runs away, but sometimes if she can manage to share this full-sized bed with me, I let her stay, even though she sheds. She releases hair almost like a smoke screen. Whenever she gets scared... POOF!
Anyways, I've been writing for a while now. I should really consider getting some hard sleep because I have a hard week ahead of me. But I'm ready.
I spent a good bit of time after that just writing music and singing. I didn't come up with anything that I really liked, but I am still in love with the process of trying, even after all of these years. That led into a nap and then Kayla, Catherine, and her parents showed up for the cookout. It was a good time, and I mean that. I know that saying "it was a good time" is sort of trivial and I've probably overused that phrase in this journal several times, but I mean it. I just can't express it. It kept my mind off of work and the stress I've been finding there, all of my frustrations in finance and my future. That's what good times are supposed to do, right? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the walk we had at dusk through the golf course. It's firefly season now, so the field across the street really lights up starting at dusk. I went out there last night and just stood for several minutes looking out into the woods and up into the sky. I was trying to find constellations that I recognized. I found the big dipper. I don't remember if Orion is in the sky right now, but that's the other one that I can pick out pretty easily. The woods didn't really have constellations, but they might as well have. I mean if the fireflies just glowed constantly and hovered in one place, you could probably connect lines between them to draw some obscure picture that looks like something familiar. But the inconsistency and fluidity of their light is what makes them so interesting to watch
I don't know what anything I just said means to you, but to me it means one thing. I have peace right now in the midst of adversity. I know myself and I know God, and I know that I don't have to spend too much time worrying because I know that God will send opportunities my way, and I know that I will recognize them when they arrive. Does that mean that I'll feel good all of the time? Probably not. My mind still drifts and I still slosh back and forth in my short-term emotional bucket, but that's simply evidence of human passion. If anything should remind us that we are still alive, it should be that. But it's when that little short-term bucket becomes your world and what you see life through... I think that's when it becomes a problem.
That's a problem that I am familiar with, but I know now what gets me in, and I know what gets me out.
I'm different now. I don't think it's a change that is as noticeable in a mirror or even just by talking to me, but I feel it. I'm not who I was last year, and I'm not what most people feared I had become this year. I may still wear small traces of those times, but there's just something different now, and I really like it.
Here comes Holly. She's Matt's white cat. They're both a little skiddish, but Holly is the most uneven. I think she might be a bit brain damaged. She contorts herself at times in strange ways with confused look on her face, and she is easily scared by... well... pretty much anything. She also throws up on a regular basis and is very skinny, but she checks out at the Vet and she's been like that her entire life. Anyways, she has taken a liking to me. Not Elli. Elli doesn't come out of Matt's room. But Holly will sleep in my bed with me. Sometimes I don't like it because she'll sit on my chest and meow in my face. I just hisss really loud at her and she freaks out and runs away, but sometimes if she can manage to share this full-sized bed with me, I let her stay, even though she sheds. She releases hair almost like a smoke screen. Whenever she gets scared... POOF!
Anyways, I've been writing for a while now. I should really consider getting some hard sleep because I have a hard week ahead of me. But I'm ready.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
We Gots Internet Now
I've got the internet now at Matt and my place. It's been a long time coming, and it's probably been really good being disconnected from internet life for a while. I've had more time on my hands after work than what I'm used to, so I've been trying to figure out what to do with that time. We don't have cable, so I don't watch tv, and there's not much to do on this side of town, so I don't go out. I still work out, but that's about it. Other than that, I'm going to be looking for new pass-times.
Today was most excellent. I woke up and Catherine's parents came over and we all had breakfast (from the continental breakfast at their hotel... but hey, better than the breakfast I usually have, which is nothing). Then Matt and I watched The Office until his cousins came up from SC and a friend of theirs from China. He's pretty quiet, and I'm sure we probably are louder than his culture might be used to. Anyways, after Matt and his cousins went to the rock show in Portland (TN), I was home for an hour by myself. I took that time to sort through all of my crap and throw stuff out that I've kept for years for no reason. There is still stuff that I can't bring myself to part from, so I kept that in a small box that will... well, I don't know where it will go yet, but I'm not to that point. I have lots of crap. Lots of crap to throw away. I also cut the bushes around the house with my Ghana sword. A little unconventional, but I just wouldn't be setting the consistency of my character to my neighbors if I didn't do something awkward in my yard for all to see. I enjoy it...
But then Catherine and her parents came back and we had an evening of gardening and carpentry. Her dad built a shelf and the ladies and I tilled up the soil in some overgrown gardens in the front yard and we planted flowers and an herb garden. They bought me a tomato too! I don't think I've ever successfully kept a plant alive, but I'm going to try really hard this time. I would love to have my own little garden. That's a good pass-time.
After that I went to pick up Mitch from his place and we rode on my bike to pick up his bike that broke down last night at Belmont (dead battery). We had Mexican food and then came back here and watched a movie. Now we're all sitting in the living room hanging out... things just got kinda quiet. Well... whatever. That's the news right now.
Today was most excellent. I woke up and Catherine's parents came over and we all had breakfast (from the continental breakfast at their hotel... but hey, better than the breakfast I usually have, which is nothing). Then Matt and I watched The Office until his cousins came up from SC and a friend of theirs from China. He's pretty quiet, and I'm sure we probably are louder than his culture might be used to. Anyways, after Matt and his cousins went to the rock show in Portland (TN), I was home for an hour by myself. I took that time to sort through all of my crap and throw stuff out that I've kept for years for no reason. There is still stuff that I can't bring myself to part from, so I kept that in a small box that will... well, I don't know where it will go yet, but I'm not to that point. I have lots of crap. Lots of crap to throw away. I also cut the bushes around the house with my Ghana sword. A little unconventional, but I just wouldn't be setting the consistency of my character to my neighbors if I didn't do something awkward in my yard for all to see. I enjoy it...
But then Catherine and her parents came back and we had an evening of gardening and carpentry. Her dad built a shelf and the ladies and I tilled up the soil in some overgrown gardens in the front yard and we planted flowers and an herb garden. They bought me a tomato too! I don't think I've ever successfully kept a plant alive, but I'm going to try really hard this time. I would love to have my own little garden. That's a good pass-time.
After that I went to pick up Mitch from his place and we rode on my bike to pick up his bike that broke down last night at Belmont (dead battery). We had Mexican food and then came back here and watched a movie. Now we're all sitting in the living room hanging out... things just got kinda quiet. Well... whatever. That's the news right now.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Biking
I've been riding my bike into work for the past several days as an attempts to save money on gas. I still really enjoy riding around and now I'm looking at a few projects for my bike in the near future. I want to be able to travel longer distances on it, so I'm thinking about getting saddle bags and a windshield, just for longer trips. I think saddle bags and windshields look dorky otherwise. I would also like to have the tail lowered, so I'm looking at the kit so I can do it myself. It shouldn't cost too much. The biggest thing is I need to take it in and get it tuned. I don't have an excuse anymore because I live walking distance from the Harley store. I can take it over there, drop it off, and walk back to my place. Having it tuned for the first time is supposed to make a huge difference.
Usually I don't like to talk about my close calls on my motorcycle. It's pretty much a given that you have them almost every time you get on. You expect it and drive defensively to prevent other people from ruining your day. But last night I had one that was just funny. It was a Cop this time. He turned left in front of me without looking. I gave him a look when I drove by so he decided to follow me. So then I turned really quickly into a side street and u-turned around and got behind him. A stupid game to play, but I went along with it. It was perfectly legal... but maybe I'm just a bit bitter from traffic school still.
Gotta get to work.
Usually I don't like to talk about my close calls on my motorcycle. It's pretty much a given that you have them almost every time you get on. You expect it and drive defensively to prevent other people from ruining your day. But last night I had one that was just funny. It was a Cop this time. He turned left in front of me without looking. I gave him a look when I drove by so he decided to follow me. So then I turned really quickly into a side street and u-turned around and got behind him. A stupid game to play, but I went along with it. It was perfectly legal... but maybe I'm just a bit bitter from traffic school still.
Gotta get to work.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Pub
I'm sitting at a small pub tucked away just around the corner from my house. You wouldn't expect to find a pub here. You'd expect to find a line of houses on this quiet street, and there are several houses, but all the same, a pub tucked in the middle. I got here just as they were closing the kitchen, but they still made me a burger. I got a Sam Addams to go along with it, and a water. I needed that.
I just got done with traffic school, and it was a giant waste of time, though the teacher was very good and exciting. The reason that I ended up in that classroom was because I knowingly broke the law and I got caught. I didn't need to be reminded of what the law was. I knew I was breaking it when I broke it, and I wasn't mad when I was caught. That's part of taking risk. You fail sometimes and you pay the consequences. But I feel that it is a weak excuse of a man who doesn't take a punishment for something he knowingly does. But I took the class, listened to people speak about the obvious dangers of driving, and then went my marry way.
Today ended up being one of those days where I have to fight my thoughts less they get the better of me. I have been rather content with the way things are going in my life right now. I love my new house, I relatively enjoy work, though I'm still planning other ventures on the side, and I'm feeling at peace with the new disciplines I have taken on in attempts to improve the darker sides of my life. But I have also accepted with peace the complications that my life has been yielding. As a result, I feel that I am getting stronger and more passionate. I'm not ready for my vocation yet, but I'm getting closer every day.
I just got done with traffic school, and it was a giant waste of time, though the teacher was very good and exciting. The reason that I ended up in that classroom was because I knowingly broke the law and I got caught. I didn't need to be reminded of what the law was. I knew I was breaking it when I broke it, and I wasn't mad when I was caught. That's part of taking risk. You fail sometimes and you pay the consequences. But I feel that it is a weak excuse of a man who doesn't take a punishment for something he knowingly does. But I took the class, listened to people speak about the obvious dangers of driving, and then went my marry way.
Today ended up being one of those days where I have to fight my thoughts less they get the better of me. I have been rather content with the way things are going in my life right now. I love my new house, I relatively enjoy work, though I'm still planning other ventures on the side, and I'm feeling at peace with the new disciplines I have taken on in attempts to improve the darker sides of my life. But I have also accepted with peace the complications that my life has been yielding. As a result, I feel that I am getting stronger and more passionate. I'm not ready for my vocation yet, but I'm getting closer every day.
The New Place
Writing at work again. We still don't have the internet, but it has been nice to vacate from modern communication for a while. Everything about the new place is quiet, and I like that. Matt and I are still working at getting things organized, but it is most certainly already livable.
I've been trying to figure out how to sleep in my new bed. It's so big. I'm not used to that. For the first few nights I confided myself to one side of it, but last night I just sprawled out all over it, and it was for the best. We have also decided to use the air conditioning, and though the bill might raise my forehead a bit, until that bill comes, I will be pretty comfortable knowing that it's not 85+ degrees in my bedroom.
Getting to know Matt's cats, Holly and Ellie, has been interesting. They're kinda weird. They hide under his bed all day and come out at night, but if you stand up, they'll freak out and run away. So I got this great idea yesterday to take them one at a time and put them with me in a closed room with no hiding places for ten minutes a cat. They didn't like that at all for the first several minutes. Ellie ended up slicing my right shoulder pretty good, but later last night they came out and sat on my lap and fell asleep, so I'd like to think we made some headway.
My morning routine has also developed some improvements. I wake up earlier now and have time to make my bed, eat breakfast, and have a little devotional before I head off to work. I also get to work about half an hour early so that I can spend some time organizing and prepping for the rest of the day. I like where this is going and I'll probably continue this trend down the line. I just have to adjust my bedtime. I still stay up until midnight.
Tonight I have traffic school, so I will have to miss out on going to the bar... and probably dinner as well, or at least dinner will be late. I'm going to try and make the best of it. I knew what I was doing was wrong, so I can't be rightfully angry that I got caught and have become inconvenienced.
Eric and Tara's wedding was great this weekend, and I am moved out of the Basement for good. That excites me.
I've been trying to figure out how to sleep in my new bed. It's so big. I'm not used to that. For the first few nights I confided myself to one side of it, but last night I just sprawled out all over it, and it was for the best. We have also decided to use the air conditioning, and though the bill might raise my forehead a bit, until that bill comes, I will be pretty comfortable knowing that it's not 85+ degrees in my bedroom.
Getting to know Matt's cats, Holly and Ellie, has been interesting. They're kinda weird. They hide under his bed all day and come out at night, but if you stand up, they'll freak out and run away. So I got this great idea yesterday to take them one at a time and put them with me in a closed room with no hiding places for ten minutes a cat. They didn't like that at all for the first several minutes. Ellie ended up slicing my right shoulder pretty good, but later last night they came out and sat on my lap and fell asleep, so I'd like to think we made some headway.
My morning routine has also developed some improvements. I wake up earlier now and have time to make my bed, eat breakfast, and have a little devotional before I head off to work. I also get to work about half an hour early so that I can spend some time organizing and prepping for the rest of the day. I like where this is going and I'll probably continue this trend down the line. I just have to adjust my bedtime. I still stay up until midnight.
Tonight I have traffic school, so I will have to miss out on going to the bar... and probably dinner as well, or at least dinner will be late. I'm going to try and make the best of it. I knew what I was doing was wrong, so I can't be rightfully angry that I got caught and have become inconvenienced.
Eric and Tara's wedding was great this weekend, and I am moved out of the Basement for good. That excites me.
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