The Last

It has been a good while since I last wrote, and I came to do some thinking as I was consciously refraining from updating my life here. I'm afraid that my online journaling has come to an end. This will probably be the last post I write, at least for a long long time. It just became something that I never intended it to become. Habitually I would pool all of my emotions into this space where everyone could read. They weren't well thought out and they weren't even consistent with my beliefs, but I wrote them anyways. It became ammo that people could use against me, but only because I gave it to them.

So I'll sum things up with what I'm doing next, and that will be the last of it. If you want to know about me, you'll just have to talk to me.

I'm formulating a plan. I've been in limbo for a good while now trying to figure out where the next move should be. I have so many options, but I'm now allowed much more time to make decisions than I used to be. So it might get a little hairy, but I want to take my time and formulate a plan that I feel that I can adhere to. That's harder said than done though. I like and dislike many different things, and when choosing the right path at this stage in life, it is important to take all of that into consideration. I suppose this journal and my college journal would be very good for that. They have served a purpose in documenting the strong and weak points of who I am, as well as my progress and regression.

All I've really figured out so far is that I could be anywhere in the world a year from now. I've let go of ideas of planting roots for now. I will go where I need to go, but it also needs to make sense for me to go there, to be useful and beneficial to more than just myself. Face it. Things here are going to change drastically in the next few months. I stayed because I loved the way things were, but things change. We shouldn't lament that too hard, it's just the way things happen. But we would be better to adapt, to know who we are and face the future with that understanding while still holding a place in our hearts for the things that were. I might just be talking out of my ass. It's completely possible that I will be called to stay here. But I don't know. I don't know when it will happen and how, but I feel something moving in me, and it's not dinner.

But I've manned up over the past few months. My attitude has changed and I don't let myself get depressed anymore. I still feel lingering shadows sometimes, but they are faint. I have begun to learn how to choose what it is that I think about and I'm getting better at it. I was becoming increasingly shallow, but I have now found that life isn't about me. The story is much bigger. So what will happen with all of that? I don't know. I don't pretend to. But it won't be written down here.

Peace and love