Fire Flies

I had a great weekend. Today was great. I think it was supposed to happen this way. I was too poor to drive to Asheville to hang out with some of my friends who were going to meet me there, but I didn't get upset about that. I'll see them before the summer is out, I'm sure. Instead I spent time with Matt, Catherine, her parents, Kayla, and Natalie, who stopped by for a short visit this evening. I ran sound at church this morning and it went really well. I'm really becoming efficient and skilled at that. It can be hectic at times. What am I saying? It is always hectic, but the more I do it, the more I get used to it. And it sounded good, and there were no real problems. But afterwards we did the Pizza thing and then I went home and had a video chat with most of my family in NC, even my aunt and uncle from England and my toddler cousin Emilia... which coincidentally is the name of my tomato plant... funny, just thought of that. Not spelled the same though, but whatever. It was good to see everyone.

I spent a good bit of time after that just writing music and singing. I didn't come up with anything that I really liked, but I am still in love with the process of trying, even after all of these years. That led into a nap and then Kayla, Catherine, and her parents showed up for the cookout. It was a good time, and I mean that. I know that saying "it was a good time" is sort of trivial and I've probably overused that phrase in this journal several times, but I mean it. I just can't express it. It kept my mind off of work and the stress I've been finding there, all of my frustrations in finance and my future. That's what good times are supposed to do, right? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the walk we had at dusk through the golf course. It's firefly season now, so the field across the street really lights up starting at dusk. I went out there last night and just stood for several minutes looking out into the woods and up into the sky. I was trying to find constellations that I recognized. I found the big dipper. I don't remember if Orion is in the sky right now, but that's the other one that I can pick out pretty easily. The woods didn't really have constellations, but they might as well have. I mean if the fireflies just glowed constantly and hovered in one place, you could probably connect lines between them to draw some obscure picture that looks like something familiar. But the inconsistency and fluidity of their light is what makes them so interesting to watch

I don't know what anything I just said means to you, but to me it means one thing. I have peace right now in the midst of adversity. I know myself and I know God, and I know that I don't have to spend too much time worrying because I know that God will send opportunities my way, and I know that I will recognize them when they arrive. Does that mean that I'll feel good all of the time? Probably not. My mind still drifts and I still slosh back and forth in my short-term emotional bucket, but that's simply evidence of human passion. If anything should remind us that we are still alive, it should be that. But it's when that little short-term bucket becomes your world and what you see life through... I think that's when it becomes a problem.
That's a problem that I am familiar with, but I know now what gets me in, and I know what gets me out.

I'm different now. I don't think it's a change that is as noticeable in a mirror or even just by talking to me, but I feel it. I'm not who I was last year, and I'm not what most people feared I had become this year. I may still wear small traces of those times, but there's just something different now, and I really like it.

Here comes Holly. She's Matt's white cat. They're both a little skiddish, but Holly is the most uneven. I think she might be a bit brain damaged. She contorts herself at times in strange ways with confused look on her face, and she is easily scared by... well... pretty much anything. She also throws up on a regular basis and is very skinny, but she checks out at the Vet and she's been like that her entire life. Anyways, she has taken a liking to me. Not Elli. Elli doesn't come out of Matt's room. But Holly will sleep in my bed with me. Sometimes I don't like it because she'll sit on my chest and meow in my face. I just hisss really loud at her and she freaks out and runs away, but sometimes if she can manage to share this full-sized bed with me, I let her stay, even though she sheds. She releases hair almost like a smoke screen. Whenever she gets scared... POOF!

Anyways, I've been writing for a while now. I should really consider getting some hard sleep because I have a hard week ahead of me. But I'm ready.