Don't Deny It

So today I got hit pretty hard as I was working in a quiet room on a job that I really had to focus on. I had to deal with what I felt last night and the past few days because it was just screaming in my ear all day. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. It's not the right way. To pretend that Lindsay didn't exist is wrong. It seems to make sense because it would be easier in the short term, but in the long term, it's a horrible idea.

I need to stand true to the integrity that I know I possess. I cannot deny that I cared for Lindsay a lot, that I loved her and wanted to be with her all the time. I cannot deny that I believed she loved me too, even if she only did for a short while. I cannot deny that neither of us changed towards each other in the relationship, we merely learned more about who we were. I cannot deny that she made the right choice in going to Texas and that I made the right choice in staying here and following my dreams. I cannot deny that I am happy for her, but still miss her deeply. My living in denial of these things over the past couple of weeks has driven me absolutely crazy and I just can't do it anymore. I will just begin to destroy others and myself.

So I let it all go. I'm going to be sad. I have the right to be sad. I have the right to replay it in my head over and over as I feel this pain. But I am dealing with it head on. I'm not going to try and avoid it anymore.

Tomorrow night I leave again for the tour. I'll still be a little nervous, but I feel like getting out of Nashville every once-in-a-while is really good for me. Sometimes it gets hard to breath in this city, but I know I'll be here for a little while longer. I like to know that the rest of the world is still alive and that the extent of my world isn't just encompassed by the dreary borders of Nashville.

I think lots of people are really under the gun right now. Everyone seems to have the same mentality. They're all really stressed out, taking it out on others, or being really passive aggressive... or neither, just dealing with it in their own quiet way. For me it all depends. I try not to unleash my feelings on others at all, but when I need to there's always somewhere for me to go and someone for me to talk to, and that is a blessing. Tonight I went over to the girls' apartment. Natalie was there working on a project, but we just hung out and it was great. Then Catherine and Matt came in and we talked for a while, then they left, then Laurie came in and we talked for a while. I really just think those girls are amazing. They've been so good to me, especially as of late. And though there is a time and a place for chest-thumping and brotherly love, I really need the girls too. That has been something unique to how I've developed over the years here in Nashville. I used to be so macho and into doing just guy things, but I have a deepened respect for my lady friends and what their passions are and just their over-all perspective on things.

I go through this pain with the Lord's blessing upon me.