Stress

I'm not coping well right now. I worked way over what I thought I was going to today and, for that matter, I haven't not worked over time in the past two months, NC/SC trip excluded. Nothing stresses me out more than working overtime simply because... I have stuff I need to get done at home. So I come home every night and something new needs to be done. I have to do laundry, I have to do the dishes, I have to pay bills. There's always something that needs to be done around here, partly because three grown men live in this tiny basement apartment. The dishes, for instance, are insane! I don't know where they are all coming from!

Stress management. I don't think I've got it down yet.

Weekends are another thing. They have turned into my "catch up with your life" days. I'm always busy on weekends trying to catch up, whether it be with people or with responsibilities. I don't feel like I'm even near to being on top of things right now. Maybe I just need one solid night of doing crap until it's all done.

I HATE THAT DOG! My landlord's dog barks for no reason at all because it is a small dog and has no concept of... well... anything. Big dog barking I can handle, but the frequency of a small dog bark drives me to violence!

Now I have to think about dinner. I usually enjoy cooking but I've just worked so hard. Sometimes I just want to not have to, but that costs more money. Money that I don't have at the moment.

Tomorrow is going to be a nice change of pace. I'm working on a different site with different people so my mind will probably be able to relax a little bit. I had a really great time at Bible Study this morning even though I almost didn't go. I sat up and had a battle with myself as to whether or not I should just stay in bed, but I'm glad I went. I need the fellowship really bad right now.

I get to sing this weekend! I'm filling in for some guy that couldn't make it and it's an extra long set. I enjoy singing! It's also daylight savings this weekend! I will enjoy the extra hour of sleep!

I'm going to make hot wings. Peace and love.

Want To's

I'm doing my best right now to get organized. It's hard sometimes to know where to start, but I've figured myself out well enough to know that when I'm stressed out it's because I'm neglecting something or several things. I feel like after work I just get really lazy. I was actually quite productive today all because I got to it first thing after I got home.

Tomorrow I'll do a little bit more organizing, self discipline, all that jazz. I want to start reading more. I want to eat healthier. I want to exercise more. All of that is going to take discipline and habit.

I need to go to sleep earlier. That's the other thing I was forgetting.

Peace and love.

Back and Around

I just finished spending several days that I got off from work, one of which was used to visit High Point, and the others were used to go to Ginger's wedding (Matt's oldest sister) in SC. Before I left I thought it would be this great idea to take my motorcycle on the trip, really open it up on the highways. I admit, having it around was kinda fun. It was a time of actualization as I rode it around my home town and I got to take Matt and Catherine on a short ride at the farm. But the rumors are true. It is not the most comfortable way to travel, nay, it is quite the opposite. Battling 80+ mph winds, bugs, rain, and saddle soars all accumulated into one exhausting experience. On my trip down to SC I left the night before the morning I had initially planned to leave. I was trying to beat the rain. I did for half the trip, but the other half I spent trying to convince myself that it was a lot like riding a jet ski. When I got to Matt's house, I turned over my boots, and it was like a movie. I poured water out of my boots onto the ground, lots of water. I also almost doubled the mileage on my bike. I put over 1000 miles on it in that one trip! That's a lot considering that when I left I had 1500 miles that I put on it over a three month duration.

But the weekend over all was good. I really needed to see all of the people that I saw. I thought about my faith and my relationships and pretty much who I am and what I want out of life. It was refreshing to see two people who truly love each other and love the Lord so passionately get married, especially two people that I admire so much.

As for my job, well, that would be sound. I ran sound for the wedding, and it went off without a hitch. I was thrilled at that. With all the cues I was setting up and different mics on, I was sure something was going to go awry, but not this time. I felt on top of my game. I also did some music playing both at the wedding and this morning at church. I love playing for people who live in cities that still love and admire music.

Coming back to Nashville was a bit disheartening. I don't know how to pin point it, but my life here seems lacking. I think it's because I tasted so much of a good thing while I was back east, it just brought me to realize the negativity that I've allowed myself to be consumed by. It's hum-drum, it's frustrating, I'm over-extended, I'm cramped up. That's how this city makes me feel. I feel big in a smaller town. I feel like I'm needed and understood. It makes me happy to be a part of that.

I think a big part of it is that, being needed. I don't mean "needy" needed. One of the quickest ways to annoy me is to have a grocery list waiting for me, to just need me to do stuff for you. I can tell when I'm needed and when I'm being exploited. A certain amount of mutual respect and interest, even, dare I say, admiration... goes into being needed the way I like to be needed.

Someone says:
"Hey, you've got something I don't and I admire that. What do you think about this?"

That's a great feeling. It makes me feel like I've got a purpose. It makes me want to help people. I don't think this environment gives me that. I can't say that it's all external reasons, I mean, I haven't earned admiration. But none of the things that I thought were my strongest qualities seem to do very much in this city. I don't know, I'm just complaining right now. I need to shower up and go to bed. Peace and love.

Beautiful Cascading New

I haven't written in a while as I haven't had very much time to sit down and ponder. I've been quite active these past few days and right now I just need to reflect. I guess I'm just spread incredibly thin right now, like there's not enough of me to go around. Maybe I think I'm bigger than I actually am.

I'm sending out mixed signals to everybody and I can tell because of the way people look at me when they think I don't notice, on the other hand, some might just flat out ask me if I'm okay. Sure I'm okay. I'm fine, just a little thin, which means I'll shut down and just be entirely relaxed whenever I possibly can. When I'm not worried about things and I'm not having to conjure up emotion so people think I'm normal, I guess my face just looks sad. It's not, but it never fails to have the masses ask me what's going on.

I think that it's always possible to find things that are wrong in your life. I bet if I were to sit down and think about all of the bad things right now I might be able to enter a newly defined state of depression for myself, but there are ways around that aren't there? You have to delegate in yourself what you feel is worth focusing on and what you should just tally up as part of life. You should also try and find some good things too. This time in my life is where I usually find absolute beauty in nature, like the sky or the sunset, and I just sit there and get lost in them. Because I'm there right now, I think my bike ride to NC will be amazing. Let's hope it doesn't rain.

These pages that I write on, and this is a completely isolated thought, they don't talk back. Sometimes I go long stints without writing a thing because I'd rather talk with someone who can talk back. But these pages don't have anything to say to me when I write in them. It's like having a conversation with myself. My words are here and I can search through them and look at myself from a distance. Or maybe I write because I just want to remember. Those journals usually look like nothing at all to the passer-by. I yammer on and on about insignificant happenings, but that's all I've got sometimes. I find my memory serving me less and less these days. Things that I wish I could remember, I just can't. Maybe I'm just caught in so much beautiful cascading newness that I can't breath. Maybe I need to meet old friends. I'm sure I'll get a chance soon.

Peace and love.

Cool Air Coming

I got to work on time today but there was one problem. It was a hard hat area, and no one told me to bring a hard hat. This left me outside for close to an hour waiting for one to be delivered to me and it seemed so perfect. I got some time to think and pray and it was really just inspiring and peaceful. I remembered what it was like to hear God's voice in a loud way like I did a couple of years ago. I then thought of my purpose and my calling and how much I would be willing to sacrifice to find it. I also thought about the medium between being a self righteous legalist and a carefree self-pleasing "spiritualist". I've done my fair share of both. Great! Now it's time to understand that and be somewhere in the middle. That's where I feel that we should be. Let me describe it. It's someone who does the right thing no matter what the cost, but does it because love draws it out of him and no one else but him as far as he is concerned so why scrutinize the actions of others. If that makes things clear, then congratulations.

But my whole perspective on the rest of the day was much better. I still have little issues here and there about patience, but I'm willing to learn.

It is finally cool outside. Lindsay and I sat by the fire pit at her place tonight for a while and talked. I like fire pits and now I have access to two. We did have two here so I decided to split them up and take mine to her place being that she has a big yard full of sticks and branches ready for the burning. Here I haven't quite figured out where to get wood, but when I do, there shall be fires here as well.

Finally, I have insullation on my arms and I itch, but I'm going to try and sleep anyways. I'll have a journal on my job coming soon, but I haven't had much time to dedicate to it as of late.

Peace and love.

Cookeville Hotel Againz

I'm back in the Hotel at Cookeville for I don't know how long. I thought I would be for sure coming back tomorrow, but I don't know if that will be the case. I didn't find out until I got here that I might have wanted to pack more than just two days worth of stuff. Ah, but I also don't have my computer with me, or my guitar, so I'm having to use the business center computer. Lame. But anyways I've spent most of the night in the hotel twiddling my thumbs. We got back at around seven and I've just been here watching TV. I actually ordered a movie from my room. It was the new Harry Potter movie... but the sound didn't work, so I called in and had my money refunded. I guess I could have watched it in closed caption... but that's reading. That defeats the purpose of watching the movie instead of reading the book which is my entire plan.

So then I got a little hungry after watching Scrubbs for a while. I just walked over to the Burger King next door and got a milk shake. I'm working on that right now while I type to you. I think after this I might go up to my room and watch the Rocky marathon that's on Spike TV. Fun for dayz.

Next week I might get some time off to go back to NC. I know for sure I'm going to a wedding next weekend. Matt's sister Ginger is getting married and I'm DJ'ing. But I'd like just one extra day off of work to swing by home for at least a day. I've been thinking about taking my motorcycle. The weather is perfect and I feel really comfortable on the highway now. I've talked with several bikers about it and most of them feel that highways are more safe because it's all one direction and you've got shoulders to maneuver in if something unexpected happened. I like the sound of that. I would get my bike inspected before I drive though, and I would have to be ready to stop all of the time because I only get about 90 miles out of a tank. But I would also need to make sure I could pack everything in a backpack. I don't like the idea of saddle bags.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where the direction of my life is headed, both the good and the bad. I feel a lot different these days. I've changed a lot in just a few short months and I'm trying to figure out what parts are good and what parts are negative, because there is always a little bit of both.

Tomorrow I'm going to bust tale so I can get home tomorrow night. I've got a lot of work to get through, but it's not very strenuous. It's just tedious. I might not take lunch again like I did today. I got more done that way. Music has also been helping. Lindsay is letting me borrow her old iPod and so I've hooked that up to my mixing headphones and jacked up the volume to where it sounds like I have little speakers in the room (I guess that's technically what they are anyways). But music motivates me to work faster and more fluidly, but it's hard to get the kind of music I like and I can't use headphones because I think that's rude. If I'm working alone, I'll use them, but otherwise, I like to be able to hear what all is going on around me.

I'm rambling now which is an indicator that I should go watch Rocky.

Peace and love

Last Night in the Hotel

Work has been rough but it's getting done here in Cookeville. It has been interesting spending such a long duration of time with a long time sans-collegiate individual like my co-worker.

I have been getting easily frustrated at work though. Maybe it is related with my being out of my comfort zone, but either way, I just have to keep reminding myself that I am young and that everybody has to go through this at one point or another before they wear "the pants".

Right now I'm sitting at my computer whilest I watch TCM, some old chick flick or something. I have, behind me, a deep dish Dominoes pepperoni and mushroom pizza and a six pack of Samuel Addams Summer Ale. So tonight is devoted to relaxation and... well... laziness to the extreme.

I've been thinking about a lot of things while I've been gone, and I'm not quite sure how to articulate all of those thoughts. I had it down earlier today as to what I would write tonight. I do give it some thought, but it's rare that my inspirations ever make it with me through the day. I think of great lyrics or a great idea and I spend some time with it, but then I get caught in a draft and I forget everything.

So I guess I shall commence in my lazy evening. If I think of anything special, I will let you know.

Peace and love.

The Wilderness

My job requires a lot of dangling, and today required no less than that. I dangled. No I am not a pimp, nor do I "dangle" in the pimp sense, but in the "hey, you're the tallest, skinniest, lightest, most limber, and youngest guy in this company... Go up in the ceiling!" sense. I was going to have all of these pictures to show you that I took today. It's one of the biggest projects that I've been on since I've been with the company... Scratch that, not the biggest, but the coolest. Ron (my co-worker) and I are installing a new sound system into the Tennessee Tech School of Music auditorium. It's big and there's a pipe organ. There's also a 70 foot drop below me as I swing through the rafters, but I enjoy doing it. It's like a grown-up jungle gym. Don't worry, I'll be fine. There is dry wall between me and the floor, and from my inspection, it's 3-thick. That'll stop my light-ass body from falling through. Uh... but the pictures... oh yeah... I left my cell phone in my tool belt which I left on the job locked in the auditorium... so that's where my phone is. Doh! (slaps his face with the palm of his hand).

But man was today hard. I was pulling cable through conduit and my hands are raw and my back is soar. We spent 11 hours on the clock. I feel good about that though. Per dium and 11 hour days = bank!

Oh, so I guess I should tell you that I'm not in Nashville. I'm actually in a High Point sized town called Cookeville which is about 1.5 hours east of Nashvegas. I decided to bring my computer with me because I don't have a lap top, iTouches are too expensive, and why not, this computer is small. I'll be here all week though and my room is great. It's a king sized bed which I could lay on sideways and still be completely contained within its boundaries.

I've been needing this though, and I realize that now that I'm here. I feel like I've got these layers of stress that are melting off of my skin. I'm tired, sure, but I feel loose and more relaxed. There's been stuff happening that's been getting me pretty uptight lately back at the house. It's hard to be in a serious situation where all of your friends aren't on board with you, but in something like this, it's more of a desire than a need. It's been stressing me out that some of my friends can't understand me or be happy for me being with Lindsay. She's so great and she's found that part of me that I put away a long time ago, even before college, because I was ashamed and afraid of getting hurt. Is it so strange that I should want to spend a lot of time with her?

I think I just have a hard time apologizing when I don't think I'm wrong. That's strange because usually I'm a pretty broken person. It's easy for people to make me feel guilty about something because I've been conditioned to that kind of thinking. It's only been recently that God has really been trying to root that out of my life because that kind of thinking has nothing to do with Jesus. But because I always bounce from one extreme to another, when people around me mistake my charisma for being a show-off or me telling stories about stuff I've experienced as being arrogant, it no longer makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel angry. It makes me want to push them away. Either way I suppose I still hold on to the passive aggressive mentality. It either tells me that I'm wrong or that I will destroy them with my intensity.

This is all stuff that I guess I just need to go into the wilderness and figure out. I need more than just answers, I need to be changed from within. That's why this week will be good. I can't just go and rely on my comforts. I'm going to be working my ass off all day for the next several days and then coming back to my room to sit and contemplate. There's always TV, but I don't really like TV anymore. TV shows are lame (except for Metalocalypse, maybe Scrubbs, stuff like that). But I digress. TV is lame.

Peace and Love