It Felt Like Death. It Comes in Waves.

The past few days have been really hard on me, and I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps I tried to bury a lot of my anxieties before they were completely dealt with. Whatever the case may be, my head has been swimming, and not very well.

I want to say that what I feel is completely unreasonable, but it isn't. It wouldn't be life if things like this just went away. Feels like she had a pretty easy time of that though. I wish I could have shoved my emotions out the door so easily, not thinking once about the past six months of my life, the time spent during those six months, not even having the slightest bit of remorse. She wanted me to think she was strong, but that seemed a bit over-compensative if you ask me. On the other hand, she knew me more deeply than any one else, and I think she knew exactly how to hurt me the most. One of those girls who would take advantage of my deepest insecurity. I thought I knew her better than that. I thought she cared more than that. I honestly believed that she loved me, but all in all, I was just another trend for her. Something fun to pass the time in Nashville. One more thing in her life that she got really excited about, but then decided to move on when it lost it's thrill. Perhaps she thought of me as ending up being like her last boyfriend. But what is consistent about that picture? Maybe that guy and me would've gotten along. Maybe she tore him down like she'll probably tear me down to her next boyfriend.

But here's the question that I'm sure you're all asking.

Why do I care? Why do I torment myself with these thoughts? Wasn't it mutual?

Yes. It was. I just can't remember exactly why. I know there were reasons as to why that relationship was hurting me. I know there were good reasons as to why it should have ended a lot sooner. I just don't remember them. Why that is? I don't know. It's like she's dead. And with the dead we tend to not dwell on the bad things about them, unless they were mass murderers or something like that. But being that she's out of my life forever, and a few days before I would have told her that I loved her, but then she just tore off and I'll never see her again. Being that it happened that way, my heart is so heavy. It happened like death.

So no matter how mutual it was, no matter how much I can speak ill of her if I dig deep enough down, no matter how much I try, I am the one who, in her eyes, looses, because I am the one filled with hurt that can't be evaded. She wins if she wants it. I concede. I am in pain. As mutual as it was, and I'm sure as right as it all plays out to be, I don't think I'll ever be able to be as cold as she was. I don't think I'll ever look back on the end of it all and smile. She got rid of me so much easier than she got rid of her dog.

So that's enough of that for one night. I just needed to spit all of that out because I'm tired of holding it in, even if some of it is a little intense and unjustly bitter. I know a lot of people don't understand, and I wouldn't understand either if I wasn't me. I am moving on, I really am. Most days I am happy and looking forward to the future and what is to come. Most days. But for the past few days I have really just been mostly in pain. I haven't slept much because she has been haunting in me in my dreams. I've been taking sleep aids for the past two nights so it hasn't been as bad, but before, she was everywhere I went. She didn't say anything, do anything, other than stand there and look straight ahead. I'm pretty sure my friends are sick of hearing about it, and the Lord is allowing me to continue to go through this pain, so I suppose I will with hope at least. It will come in waves though. I know that about my pain. It comes in waves. I will be fine for a while, and then I will be hit. And then it spreads out, and then I will be hit again.

I think the worst of it was today, so it should start to dissipate. I won't be afraid to talk about it though. Be annoyed if you want.

What really happened today? I drove Mitch's motorcycle that he just bought back from a farm in Lebanon (the city). It's a few years older than I am, but it runs. Not too good on highways as it is not quite as heavy as mine and it doesn't have the acceleration, but I think it will be a good bike for him to have around the city given the right amount of sweat and grease. I got nervous, as I'm sure he did to, when I lost power on I-40. I pulled over and looked it over. I thought it had just overheated because it wasn't used to going 70, but it turns out that the guy didn't put enough gas in it to get us home. I hit the fuel reserve and we were able to get to the gas station behind my house. From there we filled up and drove to his. It also would cut the engine if you held in the clutch. Not good if you're going really fast to have to re-start your bike. I did though and by the end of the trip, it was able to idle without dying. I just don't think the previous owner rode it too much.

I'm on a new job-site as well. Unfortunately I'm going to be overworked on this one too, but I need to do it as a servant. I can't always serve at things I like doing. Sometimes we have to serve in areas that we don't really enjoy. All in all, I'll at least see some money out of it. I'm hitting the sack though. Got a long week ahead of me.

Sleeping In

This week was a rough week in a lot of ways. Some of it was good, but by today I was completely worn out. Just being over-worked and not being able to get a solid night's sleep on top of that was pretty hard, but on top of that, Matt got in an accident last night that put him in the hospital. He's doing okay now and he got out last night, but he got pinned by a truck into the hotel where he works, where I used to work. Nothing is broken, but he's so badly bruised that he can't walk. We've all been there at Catherine's place where he is staying for most of the day just keeping them company. I feel bad for the guy, but I know he'll be up and about soon.

I slept for a good while today. I slept in and then I took a nap a few hours later. When I woke up from that I had a hard time functioning, keeping my balance, thinking and speaking clearly for a couple of hours. I don't know what was wrong with me. I bought some melatonin today to help me get on a better sleep schedule, so we'll see if that helps. I just want an honest to God vacation right now. I just need to be able to relax and get stuff off of my mind. Moving, taxes, being fulfilled by my current job. I am an ambitious person, and the fact that I'm not living that right now is really starting to grind on my nerves.

Evil Alarm Clock

The alarm clock is owning my soul right now. I just can't wake up by it anymore. I put it across the room and nothing happens, and if I set it to be loud enough it will wake up my roommates before it wakes me up. I don't know what to do about it right now. I think I'm going to set my phone for a little while and then set my alarm clock to go off right at the very last minute that I can afford to wake up at so that I don't hit snooze over and over again. That can be a big problem. My body just won't wake up if I train it to go right back to sleep when my alarm goes off. Crap!

I've been working out a lot, but today I took a break. I'm already starting to see physical differences, but I'm mostly going for strength and endurance. I just want to feel better, long story short.

Work has been difficult too. We've been in a crunch all week because some folks can't get their act together. I'll probably say something I would regret if I were to publicly vent for too long. Let's just say that we've been working long hours and they might have us come in on Saturday. I hat that. I haven't slept in for so long. I just want one day to sleep in till noon and I'll be great!

I also have a date tomorrow night. I know you might be thinking it's a bit early, but honestly I really don't feel any baggage anymore. She's a great girl that I met at church, and I'm really excited to get to know her. I was kinda surprised that I asked her out when I did. I didn't expect myself to, but it just hit me all of a sudden.

Too tired to write very much.

Cynical but Hopeful

Church was good this morning. I got to sing in the choir, and even though I'm a first tenner and I was singing bass, I still had a good time. I like singing more than I like most things, especially with other people who sing well.

The sermon was good. I have heard the resurrection story so many times, but I still get something new from it each time. I do have hope for the church. I know last night I seemed a little cynical, and I might be just a bit, but I still maintain a level of hope, not invested in men, but in God's continued supervision and promise to keep the Church in His hands.

I know that there are many strong Christians out there who know exactly who they are in Christ and what living after the Father means. And every church will have it's problems. It's pretty difficult for men to grasp every aspect of the Truth. We tend to just pick parts and pieces and be satisfied with what we can contain.

My parents are here today, and it has been a much needed visit. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving, so we have a lot of catching up to do.

Oh yeah. I just received my first official music business check! I'm pretty pumped about that! I'm putting it in the bank tomorrow, and even though Uncle Sam will draw it from me like thick blood, I still enjoyed making it. Hope to make more.

Everything is good right now. I feel a strong sense of peace and patience. I know that doesn't always last forever, but I hope to hold on to it as best I can.

Easter and Good Television

I've decided that, at least in what I have seen through life, God does not make good television. I'm not trying to say that the work God does isn't interesting, but it doesn't make good television in the sense of what we are used to and what we expect in our culture, in our daily lives.

We are a deprived people, starving for intense emotion, something that pulls for more of us than our jobs, our daily routines. We tend to find that in television. It takes us away from reality and puts us in situations of intensity and sensation that we probably wouldn't encounter without writers and producers of our own.

So we expect sensationalism and intensity from God because we are immersed in it from every other angle in life, so why not from God? But in my experience, it just doesn't happen the way Hollywood would design. Sometimes the heroes in our lives die unexpectedly, sometimes we keep the jobs we don't really want, and there really isn't a musical score to everything we do. There tends to be less blood, thoughts and words seem a little scattered and there's a lot to dig through, it doesn't always sit on the surface.

But what we do as Christians today is we feel like God maybe left that part out. So here we go trying to fill in all of the "boring Gospel" with pumped up intensity. Mars Hill Church in Seattle evidently crucified one of their church members for thirty minutes. I don't know if they actually physically nailed him to a cross, but I know that there was a violence warning in attending the service. I've installed million dollar audio visual systems in some churches and I've seen similar set ups in many others. I've been to churches that use laser lights and fog machines during their worship services. All of that on top of the quirky bumper stickers that slay evolutionist self-esteem and warn people of the hazards of driving during the rapture, combined with our own books, music, schools, and cloths (food maybe?). We have turned the power and majesty of God into another item we can wear on our belts like an iPod or a cell phone.

I understand why this movement started. Relevance. People wanted to feel relevant in our world for following Christ. I can understand that desire. We started off as the underdog with "Jesus Saves" and the music that was aimed at praising God in a more modern form. Christians wanted it to be cool to be Christian by definition from society. But that developed into something destructive which is still taking its toll today. It gave birth to a cause that is completely scripturally unsound. Protect the culture, save Christ from the darkness of the world.

I am reminded of Peter in the garden when Jesus was taken. We remember that during this time of year. Peter was outraged, grabbed a sword, and struck off the ear of one of the guards that held Jesus. But Jesus didn't run away or give Peter a trendy high-five. Jesus looked at Peter, had him put down his sword, and then healed the Roman soldier.

We are now like Peter. We're a little slow, overly confident in our own importance in the execution of God's design. We set targets on those who would lay siege to Christ and we lift up our swords in the name of protecting Him and our children. Gays, liberals, Disney, Islam, Immigrants. We fight them on a daily basis because they wish to corrupt us, destroy us, separate us.

"What the democrats don't understand is that the Bible supports war." I heard a co-worker say with a confident smile on his face. War, after all, is intense and brave and sensational.
But what a sad thing to hear. A Christian proclaiming a message that completely disregards the Gospel. The Bible did support war. The Old Testament is full of the destruction of those who opposed Christ. But then the defining moment for us, especially the Gentiles, occurred. It was the death and resurrection of God's only Son. Before that, we too would have been considered in opposition to God. We were not His chosen people. This is the New Testament, God's wrath laid to rest through the death of His Son Jesus Christ. Because of that, we were given the gift of selfless love that would have us lay down our lives in the faces of our enemies. It would have us love our Children and teach them to do likewise. We cannot hate in the name of them. That is not Christ. Protection by love and by faith, rejoicing in persecution because in our weakness, God's strength is made complete. That is the Gospel.

If Jesus were here among us in the flesh, do you think He would be attacking the Gays, leading the Republican party, stomping out sinners left and right in the name of protecting our Children? I read the New Testament and I just can't find that image of Christ anywhere. What I do find, however, is frightening. It is Christ's contempt towards the religious leaders who should have known everything about who He would be, but got so lost in ideas, images, and laws that they not only didn't recognize him when He came, but they had the Romans kill him.

If Christ was here today and he allowed a gay man to wash his feet with his tears, if he went to bars to love the broken, if he stopped off in a half-way house for dinner, would we recognize him? I really believe that we would have a hard time because the Gospel I read does not show the kind of Jesus that we proclaim to the world through our actions as the American Church. So perhaps if He hypothetically did come again subtly, maybe we wouldn't see him so clearly. Perhaps we would put him off and wait for what we idealize in our minds as the "real thing". Is that so outrageous to believe that we are any less sinful, any less human than the people who cried out for the Son of God's blood over 2000 years ago?

Scary thing to think about here on this Easter morning.

Road

Back on the road again. I love this. I was pretty excited all day about it. The only sad part is... this is the last show. From here I don't know where I'll go next. I'd love to work with them again. I feel like we're family now.

We're headed to Jacksonville Florida right now and I'm in my bunk... Wow... Paul just got in the bunk above me and it started to bow a little bit. That must be normal. I just didn't have anyone sleeping above me last time. But anyways, I'm excited to get there and do the show.

I went back to work out again today even though I was already really soar. You really just have to push through all that to get to the satisfaction of it. I'm still really swollen right now from all the blood in my muscles. It'll be gone by morning, otherwise I might be fooled into thinking that I had physical alteration after two days of working out. If my muscles look like this in a few months, though, I'll be in good shape.

Peace and love

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

I just got home from a pretty action-packed day. I got a small injury at work today. Cut my thumb open while operating the drill press. It's deep, but it will heal.

I met up with Paul today to work out again. I'm in the hurt right now, but I've always said it is a good pain, probably the only kind of pain I could say that I enjoy. After that we went to a Japanese restaurant and talked about life for a while. I'm learning to let go of my failures and guilt. I'm really just trying to learn to love myself. I think that in my last relationship it really showed up in a strong way that I was incapable of receiving love because I couldn't love myself. I've always struggled with that and I don't know why.

So I'm entering into a new season where I focus on how I can love myself without becoming arrogant and/or too wild and crazy. I am also working hard at denying myself the desire to enter into another relationship until I've made some headway.

I'm tired. Bed

Oversleeping

I went back to the gym today. I felt like I needed to do something besides sit at home on my ass after work. I know I do physical labor, but maybe this way I'll double my gain. I just remember looking in the mirror and thinking to myself, "Wow, I have really let myself go." That's the first time I've ever really felt like that, but it's true. I've been lazy and haven't done much to keep in shape.

I think the first thing you have to do before you go to the gym is not necessarily be happy with what you look like, but be happy with who you are. Being unhappy with what you look like in context with who you are and your individual physical potential is what working out resolves.

I've been exhausted at work, mentally. I'm getting really frustrated, but I'm hanging in there. I overslept my alarm clock for the second time in a row today though. I've got to figure something out before I get fired.

Facing Nashville Again

Forgot about this. I had a nosebleed the second day into the show because I got all dried out from riding my motorcycle. We had fun with it though.

We got in at about 3am this morning. It wasn't easy to get up and move around and then go back to sleep. It also wasn't easy to walk back into my room and almost get knocked backwards with unexpected memories of Lindsay. I felt free all week until last night. I guess I just subconsciously expected her to be there and to still care. But that's all gone now. I haven't fully realized that yet. It has almost been a month now.

But the spring is coming back again. The flowers are blooming and the leaves are budding on trees. I'm so excited about that. Life returning to the cold seemingly dead and gray city scape of Nashville. I feel the same changes in my heart.

Right now I really want to get another gig with another tour. I will be checking stuff out here, there, everywhere. I'll figure it out. Until then, it's tax season and Uncle Sam is going to pull my savings out of my ass. I'll fight that battle first.

The Last of the Road for a While

We're going home now. The bus engine just started and we're all sitting here full and content from a wonderful home-cooked meal. We're going back to Nashville where work waits for me first thing in the morning. I get off the bus, hop in my car, and go to grind away on a job that, as of now, I know not where it is.

I suppose that means it's time to reflect on the total experience. I know we're not done yet. We have one more show to play in Jacksonville FL next week, but I feel like this is the real part of the tour. I know it wasn't long, but I really enjoyed it. I felt special again, like I mattered. Paul and I were talking about it this morning and I expressed to him that when I'm home, I feel like a machine, that I don't really matter at the workplace other than my ability to perform. I know it's not that way to everyone I work with, but for the most part, I feel like a number.

On this tour, everyone poured a lot of confidence in me, untested confidence. They took me in as one of their own and they trusted me to do the job they were hoping for. I'm not perfect at engineering, but they were very patient and encouraging. I think I said that last night, but the reiteration of that should say something.

I can't look down on going back. There are a lot of good things in Nashville and I have the ability to be happy if I so desire. The trip has been good to show me that. I've been so full of joy for these past few days. I want to take that with me so bad. I've been trapped in the dark for a while now, in mundane activity, self pity, mourning of lost love. I felt so relieved when I got on the bus, even though I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'm just so honored to have been a part of this, and when I get back, I will be looking for more gigs for sure.

I guess I can't say enough good things about all that has happened. I documented it as best I could.


Peace and love.














P.S. This was our bus driver Dave. He's the man and he's been with all sorts of big acts. We won't have him on the final leg to Florida, and that sucks. But anyways, I salute him.

Iowa

Again, another successful show. We got there and met up with a production crew! Exciting for me because they all knew exactly what they were doing and they set up the entire system! That meant that I got to take a break today, kinda act silly too. Paul took some tasteful pictures that really speak of the moments we had during that time.

I don't really know how these pictures will turn out when I publish it. On the layout, they look really jumbled. One of them is of the bus, there's one of Paul and I, and then there's one of the whole crew. We've had a lot of fun.

I really like this group of people. They're all great, really friendly and encouraging to me. I believe in what they are doing because they have the same heart off stage that they do on stage. After one of the shows, Andrew and Andy both played for these two little girls a children's song that they wrote. The girls came to the show all excited to hear it, and it just wasn't in the set list. They also went to do a private show for a woman who was in a coma, dying from aids. I don't know if I have all of the facts straight, but from what I gather, she was Ms. Iowa several years ago, but then she was brutally raped and was infected with aids. The band was so touched by her when they first met a few years ago that they wrote a song about her called "The Queen of Iowa". It's a beautiful song.

Tomorrow is our last show on this leg. Brandon will be coming to visit me and that will be great. I haven't seen him in a while. My friends are all so good to me. I took some time just a few minutes ago while I was waiting for my pictures to upload to look over some old pictures on facebook with all of us together. I was looking at Matt's sister's wedding especially. I really enjoyed that time. It feels like it happened such a short time ago, but it was... well... I guess it was about 7 months? I just remember being really happy there with all of those people in that house. I'm glad they accepted me back after I sort of fell off the map for a while.

So I guess I'll try and get some sleep now. I'm going to be really tired come Monday morning when I have to get off the bus and go straight to work. We'll see what happens.

Peace and love.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore (On the Road to Iowa)

I did a lot of writing last night and it all got erased because we didn't have a solid connection while we were driving. It was raining and that can really mess with the satellite on the bus. But the tour is progressively getting better as we go. Last night, we seemed to be more relaxed than the previous nights, and I think a lot of that had to do with the time we arrived (we arrived on time), and the state of the sound system, which was great. Their sound guy, Alan, was very meticulous and knew the entirety of the sound system, so he was a great help in getting everything up and running.

I felt really good about how the show ended up sounding. It was very full, though the vocals gave me some trouble. A lot of that had to do with my never having used a digital console before, but it wasn't too difficult. The EQ was a little different being that it was parametric, but it was also a graphical representation on an LCD. That messed with my head a little bit, but I could really get used to it. Monitors were also a little different being that the Aux sends weren't controlled by individual knobs. They were controlled by selecting the individual monitor followed by pushing up the faders for the channels desired.

But again, I'm doing the best I can and the band has been very gracious and patient with me. I know they are used to a guy with a lot more experience, but this is a great opportunity they have given me, and I do not plan on disappointing anyone.

Here are some pictures from Last night's show in Kansas. They're just tech stuff, so it's not crazy fun for the majority, but it's fun for me.

Omagah it's Omaha

I'm really tired but tonight's show went really well. It almost didn't and I got really worried. I think we all got really worried. Sometimes you walk into a new venue and everyone tells you that their equipment is doing just fine, but then they haven't really tested it to the limits that you are about to push it to. The problems just pour out of the cracks at that point, and all you can do is the best you can. I'm learning, and at a really fast pace. I have to. I don't want to let anyone down.

Here are some of pictures I took tonight of the set up.




























So now we're on the bus again on our way to KS. I've got a lot of new ideas that I think will help things run a little more smoothly that I'm kinda excited to try out. We'll see.

I really like the road life. I like getting on a bus in one city and getting off in another. I haven't figured out how to shower yet, and I haven't taken a dump in a while, but that will come.

Other than that, I'm writing new songs in my head. I wish I had a guitar to put it to music, but I don't always need that. I just need to have them to sing in my mind to keep me at peace. It's important for me to be at peace right now because other people are depending on me. I can still mourn about my loss in the quiet of my mind. I just have to make space so that the quiet can exist

I think I'm going to update my music soon.

Here's the video of the last tour. I tired to put in on here while I was on the bus, but the internet connection was too slow being that it was raining heavily and the bus depends on satellite for all of it's communication needs.

Don't Deny It

So today I got hit pretty hard as I was working in a quiet room on a job that I really had to focus on. I had to deal with what I felt last night and the past few days because it was just screaming in my ear all day. I can't keep doing what I've been doing. It's not the right way. To pretend that Lindsay didn't exist is wrong. It seems to make sense because it would be easier in the short term, but in the long term, it's a horrible idea.

I need to stand true to the integrity that I know I possess. I cannot deny that I cared for Lindsay a lot, that I loved her and wanted to be with her all the time. I cannot deny that I believed she loved me too, even if she only did for a short while. I cannot deny that neither of us changed towards each other in the relationship, we merely learned more about who we were. I cannot deny that she made the right choice in going to Texas and that I made the right choice in staying here and following my dreams. I cannot deny that I am happy for her, but still miss her deeply. My living in denial of these things over the past couple of weeks has driven me absolutely crazy and I just can't do it anymore. I will just begin to destroy others and myself.

So I let it all go. I'm going to be sad. I have the right to be sad. I have the right to replay it in my head over and over as I feel this pain. But I am dealing with it head on. I'm not going to try and avoid it anymore.

Tomorrow night I leave again for the tour. I'll still be a little nervous, but I feel like getting out of Nashville every once-in-a-while is really good for me. Sometimes it gets hard to breath in this city, but I know I'll be here for a little while longer. I like to know that the rest of the world is still alive and that the extent of my world isn't just encompassed by the dreary borders of Nashville.

I think lots of people are really under the gun right now. Everyone seems to have the same mentality. They're all really stressed out, taking it out on others, or being really passive aggressive... or neither, just dealing with it in their own quiet way. For me it all depends. I try not to unleash my feelings on others at all, but when I need to there's always somewhere for me to go and someone for me to talk to, and that is a blessing. Tonight I went over to the girls' apartment. Natalie was there working on a project, but we just hung out and it was great. Then Catherine and Matt came in and we talked for a while, then they left, then Laurie came in and we talked for a while. I really just think those girls are amazing. They've been so good to me, especially as of late. And though there is a time and a place for chest-thumping and brotherly love, I really need the girls too. That has been something unique to how I've developed over the years here in Nashville. I used to be so macho and into doing just guy things, but I have a deepened respect for my lady friends and what their passions are and just their over-all perspective on things.

I go through this pain with the Lord's blessing upon me.

Trading Reality for Dreams

It's another late night again for me. I really blew my precious sleep pattern way out of whack last week when I went on tour, but at the same time, I loved it. I'm getting everything in line for the next tour, which we will be leaving for this Wednesday night. I need to rest up, but at the same time, there's so much that I have to get done. I'm not doing a great job of taking care of myself right now as is. I think I let the pain get to me too much last Saturday. I made poor choices and I received the consequences. I'm tired of letting this get to me though. Most of the day now it doesn't. I've almost completely convinced myself that Lindsay was a dream that only lasted a night. There's no physical evidence anymore that proves otherwise. It doesn't seem like a healthy method of dealing with things. The brave man I have in my mind would accept the fact that it happened, be sad, but then move on. I find myself less and less in tune with that guy though. Right now I just want to keep on forgetting because every memory serves as an endless tunnel of thought filled with nothing but pain. Nobody really even seems to mind/notice/care if I do it anyways, so that's something... I guess that Saturday I acted the way I did because she interrupted the reality I have been creating for myself in which I was never hurt. At that point, I lost control.

But I've been feeling better as of today. I needed to ride my motorcycle and I got to, if only for a little while. It makes me miss warmer weather pretty bad. It doesn't seem like Spring will ever come, but at least it's getting darker later now. I am very happy about that.

I am also happy for Brian and Kristin. They are getting married this September!!! Brian called me today and asked me to be his best man! I have never been offered something like that before, so I hope I can do a good job doing whatever a best man does. Standing there! Got it! I think I can do that pretty well!

Well anyways, I'm killing a lot of time just sitting here typing. I need to get some sleep.

The Best for Now for the Best Later

Just got done with day one of the tour. We were in Taylors SC, and as nervous as I was, I think the show went pretty well. I could really start to enjoy this. I have a video of the tour bus, but I can't load it here because the wireless isn't reliable enough on the bus, especially because of the weather. This bus runs all of the multimedia stuff off of satellite.

I think there's a lot of room for improvement for me in engineering though. I mean I know there's always room for improvement, but I need detailed goals. Right now it's EQ ability. I want to get better at creating spacial quality in sound.

But there's no better place to learn than on the road. You have to know it because there's a lot riding on your ability to do these things quickly and with quality. You can get fired if you screw up too much. That's at least how I learn to do things, under pressure.

The pressure can get to me though. I need to be careful about exceeding my capacity for concern. There's only so much I am capable of controlling with my current understanding. I can't exceed that without experience and knowledge combined, which is what I'm getting. That being said, I shouldn't expect myself to put out a product above and beyond who I am and what I know. That kind of mentality only makes you screw up and freak out even more.

But tonight I know I have the capacity to learn more, but I think I did the best I can do for now. I hope that I met the expectations of the people I was serving, but if I didn't, I know I can pick it up fast. At least I know they were really grateful for me and how hard I worked. They all told me I did a good job.

This is only to further my goal in being positive with myself and making that a habit, instead of ripping myself apart over failure. I think I could accomplish more with a better attitude.

Finally, Lindsay contacted me tonight. She hurt me pretty bad so I didn't really want to talk about it. She said she cares, but I have a real hard time believing that. I blew her off kinda harshly, and I know I shouldn't have. I just have been feeling so good lately, like I could be okay. Then she shows up and picks at the wound. I know that probably wasn't her intent, but that's what how I perceive it.

Waters of Memory

I go on tour tomorrow. I hope I'm ready. I feel so mixed up about it, like it's the end of my life or something. Ten years down the road it might seem so simple, but then again, if you give most things ten years of thought, it might just become a little more simplified than it originally was.

I'm finally done working in Dickson for now. We worked much later than we anticipated, but it's done. I didn't really have much need to be home anyways. Just got here and did what I was going to do anyways, fix dinner, watch the news, write, read, and go to bed. I have to keep catching myself at work, as I tend to undermine my motivation and determination with defeatist thoughts. I could write a book on defeatist thought and how it destroys your life.

I do that a lot. I don't think most of the problems I have with people are actually with those people. Most of my problems with people are with myself. I do my fair share of projecting and accusing, getting mad, being insensitive, feeling hurt or rejected. I don't really know how much of that is actually legitimate, but I'm going to war with myself over this one. It's a big problem. I'm going to discipline myself out of it by any means necessary.

I think when I drive. I think when I work. I can never be sure or predict what I will think about thought. It just comes. Today I was thinking about the state of America. What if we only had four more years of life left in us? What if the Mayan calendar, which is still more accurate than our own, is right, and life ends in 2012? I don't know if I buy in to all of that, but if you believe you have an end, and you think it is soon, it could compel you to do amazing things, or not... I think most people don't believe that they can be amazing. I think they feel that their purpose in life is to get by, to try and carve out a plot of life for themselves. In the grand scheme of history and of the vast population of this planet, it can be hard to fathom pnersonal worth.

I was thinking along those lines this morning when I remembered Greek Mythology and the belief that after you die and you are delivered by the boat man to the shores of the after-life, you are then given a choice of two pools to drink from. One pool is contains the Waters of Memory, while the other pool contains the Waters of Oblivion. You can drink from the Waters of Memory and remember the life you lived, the good and the bad. Or you can drink from the Waters of Oblivion and remember nothing of your previous life. Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? That runs along the same lines as the Pool of Oblivion. Great movie, by the way. But I sit back and I think about life and how it seems so many people have chosen, in this world, in this day, on their average drives to work, to drink from the Pool of Oblivion and forget their worth, their capacity for greatness, even their capacity for darkness. They just keep driving, teaching themselves that this is what they have been given, that they will never make a difference, that they live to work and work till they die.

I choose to drink from the waters of Memory. I know my life is intense. I know it and I pay for it every day. People I care about leave me, things change, I can't just be happy. I see too much, feel too much, hope for too much. So many people do, but they just don't do anything about it, except regret who they are and hope that it fades with time. It will, but only if you let it. But there isn't a single great person on the pages of history who wasn't extreme, radical, and persistent. I remember that too.

Standing for Something

I'm in bed right now, partaking in one of the many benefits of having a laptop that I, personally, have never experienced before; having computer access... in bed. I just finished reading and now I'm considering going to bed early. We'll see how long this journal lasts.

I walked out of the house this morning in beautiful 65 degree weather. By lunch time it was snowing (at least in Dickson, TN). Just Tennessee weather for you I guess. It really does bug me sometimes, but I've been lucky to have not gotten sick thus far. Work is pretty crazy. I'm installing 16 flat screen LCD tv's in a pediatric dental office. The TV's hang flat face-down from the ceiling and are for the kids to watch while they get their teeth worked on. WHAT? Kids these days!

Outside of work I've been working. I've been trying to do my best at this Road Managing gig. I've never really done anything like this before, so I have my fair share of questions and I'm trying my best to have all of my ducks in a row before I walk into the communication obligations that the job requires. I leave for SC on Thursday night at 11:45. We get there in the morning and I'll be working all day trying to get everything set up just right. I'm nervous. Of course I'm nervous! This is big and I'm getting paid for it! I'm trying to be confident in my abilities and knowledge, but it's hard. I know enough to know that I don't know near as much as I wish I did.

I like the music though. I know my friends all hate Christian music, and I've gone along with that for a while. Sure, there's a good bit of it out there that is repetitive, uncreative, and lame. Sure there's a good bit of it that comprises an entire culture that I think is wrong. But there does exist stuff that I really like, and I'm not going to be ashamed that I like it, in fact, I will stand up for it. You can't hate something just because it is called "Christian". We do live in a society, after all, that considers blanket statements to be a no-no.

That leads me to another though I've been having. The things I stand for and care about I tend to compromise on a regular basis. I'm so tired of that. I don't want to make people uncomfortable is what it stems from. But a lot of the people around me will attack the things or people I care about and I don't attack back. I just brood about it. But the way I feel is that you are entitled to your opinion to not care for something that I care for. Like sushi for instance. If you say "Gosh, I don't really care for sushi. I just don't like the way it tastes." I can't argue with that. That's how you feel. But if you say to me, referring to someone or something I love, "I hate that, it's stupid. People are dumb for liking that." What you have done is you have included me in your disliking. Then we will probably have a heated debate about it, or perhaps even an argument.

Basically I guess it just comes down to respect. In the company of someone else, have a respect for that person and their tastes in things and people. I mean there are limits to everything, but choose your battles wisely.

On the other side, I don't think it's wrong to stand for something, even if your own friends persecute you for it. My friends don't persecute me for listening to Christian music, but I'm using it as an example. People do get persecuted by the ones closest to them for what they believe.

I guess I didn't go to bed early after all. I'll survive. I just need a good night sleep, to stay asleep. Having dreams about her a lot. Bad ones. I also had a dream that I was being tortured last night by a special ops guy who was trying to induct me into their secret society. The special ops guy turned out to be my grandfather, but I didn't recognize him at first. It took me a second. He was a lot younger, close to my age.

So having said that, maybe I can get some rest tonight. No ex-girlfriends and/or militant torture please.

Still Tormenting

I talked with Brittany tonight for the first time in a long time. I really miss our talks. We've always been such good friends, especially through college. She encourages me to make better decisions, and I feel like I can be completely honest with her about pretty much everything. She made me realize tonight how I just keep bouncing back and forth from bitterness to sorrow over Lindsay. I'm getting to the point where it seems more like a lucid dream than actual reality. I guess it's been her absence that has inspired such thought. There is no proof of her anymore, not in my room, not online (because I've hidden everything), and not in presence. The only thing I have left to deal with is my memories, which can die relatively quickly if starved in the right way. So I'm starving myself. I can't think of anything else to do. I actually even thought about hiding this journal for a while today. Pretty extreme, I must admit, but I know she doesn't read it, so I didn't bother. She admitted to me that she stopped reading it a long time ago. I don't know why I even still write about her. I am only giving her more control over my heart than I really need. She's somewhere in Texas right now living a completely liberated life, not thinking twice about me or this city. What a luxury that must be.

I'll get past this. I have no choice.

Convince Yourself

Today was as beautiful a day as I could have hoped for. I feed off of it. I need it so so bad. I was running front of house at church today and it made me pretty nervous because nothing is ever as easy to set up as it should be. I could be more proficient, but I'm not, and that's the fact of it. I want to be better though. It started off rough but during the middle, Todd came up to help me. He does engineering for Amy Grant and Kenny Chesney, among others, but he's not your typical smart-ass sound guy. He's really nice and wants to help, so I asked him, and he did. He's got lots of good advice, and he made my life a lot less stressful this morning. Sound turned out really well and I'm glad because Andrew Peterson was there, and it would look bad for me to not do well in front of the guy who just hired me.

I rode my motorcycle again. We had lunch like usual, but this time it was a little different. Kathy, our waitress for two and a half years wasn't there. There was also a memorial sign up on the window. The owner of our Sir Pizza branch died. I was kinda sad about that, even though I only met him once. Death is hard for everyone, including myself. Irreverence pisses me off though. When people joke about other people dying, even if I ever met the passed person before, it really makes me mad when they pick fun. I just stay silent though. I don't really make it an outward anger.

I went to play frisbee later, and I was excited. It was a beautiful day for it. I got on the field and I looked down and my toe was completely screwed up though. It was all bloody and gross because evidently I have an ingrown toenail. I mended it up after I got home and cleaned the apartment.

The girls came over for dinner. It's nice to have them around again. They're always in such high spirits. We just got done playing board games, and I stop and think about it and realize that I really miss that kind of interaction with friends. Seems like TV takes up more time than it should.

Things are still changing though. I can't forget that. I stop and think now about how I must be over Lindsay leaving me. I don't have that heavy weight on my chest anymore, that is, until I find something that strikes me with the memory of her. I was cleaning my room just now and I found a love letter that I wrote her for Valentine's day. I was going to give it to her, but I lost it in my room and never did. I don't think it would have mattered. Seems like she made up her mind a long time ago. So I return to the state of mind where... well... I'm not really sure what to think. I'm really mixed up, but progressing all the same. My dreams are a little different and my perspectives too. I don't really know what I expect life to be, and I'm so tempted to seek out those drifting easy comforts. I had the opportunity last night. I was asked to come along for something that could have been "fun" and "noncommittal" but I shook myself awake from that dream. I'm not short of the capacity for company, but the quality of company is what concerns me. Maybe I'm becoming "picky". Beauty doesn't matter to me as much anymore as a beautiful and humble spirit.

God why is it so hard for me to be at peace, to be able to let things go? Pride. I'm so proud that I can't admit to being who I am. It's a weird kind of pride that cuts your confidence. It's not arrogant pride. Arrogance laughs in the face of others. This kind of pride is deeper than that. It says that you very well could be better than them, but you're just such a screw up that you can't do it. I expect myself to be better than a screw up, but the fact is, I am a screw up, and so is everyone else.

I guess listening to Iron and Wine right now doesn't help my mood to look on the bright side, and I'm going to write this down to convince myself that it's true. Someday I'll meet a woman who can love me for exactly who I am (Oh God please be true).

The Guilt is Over

This morning was rough getting started. I had bad dreams all last night about Lindsay that were so tormenting, I don't think I slept very well. She was standing in front of my face, blaming me for everything that lead up to our break up. No matter where I went in the dream, she would be there yelling at me... But I slept until 10 anyways, which is always good. As soon as I got up I hopped into my motorcycle gear and took a spin. I went to Whole Foods and walked around for a while, trying all of the samples. Then I just walked around the rest of the shopping center looking for stuff to bide my time while I waited for Stuffy and Leah to come by and have lunch with me.

It was here that I really felt engulfed by thoughts, putting all of this into a small enough perspective that I can grasp.

She left me, and what's more than that she ran. But I would have left her. I was already thinking of ways to do it, only... after she moved. That being said, I don't know why I'm so hurt. I guess it's just as simple as me thinking that I was the only one that was starting to not care anymore. I thought she really loved me, but she didn't. I don't think she really loved me for a good length of our relationship. She blocked herself off from me a while back because she knew things were going to change. I just didn't see it. I guess that's what hurts. I thought it was all special, but in the end, it wasn't. That and the fact that she ran like she did, as if she was so disgusted with me that she just couldn't even wait to leave when she told me she was going to. That and the simplicity that what was deeply familiar to me is now forever gone.

But I'm done blaming myself. Yeah, there were certain things about me that drew this to a close, but she was wrong too. It's not all my fault this time. She shut herself off from me instead of trying, she broke her promise of unconditional love, and she flat out ran away cool and casual, I guess as some sort of a statement that she wasn't "weak" like she seemed to think that I thought she was. I didn't think she was weak. I just made the mistake of thinking she loved me more than I loved her.

So I'm done with the guilt episode of this ordeal. I'm going to move on with the rest of my life now. I won't be bitter against love either. I still believe it exists and I still believe that there are people out there that mean it when they say it.