Convince Yourself

Today was as beautiful a day as I could have hoped for. I feed off of it. I need it so so bad. I was running front of house at church today and it made me pretty nervous because nothing is ever as easy to set up as it should be. I could be more proficient, but I'm not, and that's the fact of it. I want to be better though. It started off rough but during the middle, Todd came up to help me. He does engineering for Amy Grant and Kenny Chesney, among others, but he's not your typical smart-ass sound guy. He's really nice and wants to help, so I asked him, and he did. He's got lots of good advice, and he made my life a lot less stressful this morning. Sound turned out really well and I'm glad because Andrew Peterson was there, and it would look bad for me to not do well in front of the guy who just hired me.

I rode my motorcycle again. We had lunch like usual, but this time it was a little different. Kathy, our waitress for two and a half years wasn't there. There was also a memorial sign up on the window. The owner of our Sir Pizza branch died. I was kinda sad about that, even though I only met him once. Death is hard for everyone, including myself. Irreverence pisses me off though. When people joke about other people dying, even if I ever met the passed person before, it really makes me mad when they pick fun. I just stay silent though. I don't really make it an outward anger.

I went to play frisbee later, and I was excited. It was a beautiful day for it. I got on the field and I looked down and my toe was completely screwed up though. It was all bloody and gross because evidently I have an ingrown toenail. I mended it up after I got home and cleaned the apartment.

The girls came over for dinner. It's nice to have them around again. They're always in such high spirits. We just got done playing board games, and I stop and think about it and realize that I really miss that kind of interaction with friends. Seems like TV takes up more time than it should.

Things are still changing though. I can't forget that. I stop and think now about how I must be over Lindsay leaving me. I don't have that heavy weight on my chest anymore, that is, until I find something that strikes me with the memory of her. I was cleaning my room just now and I found a love letter that I wrote her for Valentine's day. I was going to give it to her, but I lost it in my room and never did. I don't think it would have mattered. Seems like she made up her mind a long time ago. So I return to the state of mind where... well... I'm not really sure what to think. I'm really mixed up, but progressing all the same. My dreams are a little different and my perspectives too. I don't really know what I expect life to be, and I'm so tempted to seek out those drifting easy comforts. I had the opportunity last night. I was asked to come along for something that could have been "fun" and "noncommittal" but I shook myself awake from that dream. I'm not short of the capacity for company, but the quality of company is what concerns me. Maybe I'm becoming "picky". Beauty doesn't matter to me as much anymore as a beautiful and humble spirit.

God why is it so hard for me to be at peace, to be able to let things go? Pride. I'm so proud that I can't admit to being who I am. It's a weird kind of pride that cuts your confidence. It's not arrogant pride. Arrogance laughs in the face of others. This kind of pride is deeper than that. It says that you very well could be better than them, but you're just such a screw up that you can't do it. I expect myself to be better than a screw up, but the fact is, I am a screw up, and so is everyone else.

I guess listening to Iron and Wine right now doesn't help my mood to look on the bright side, and I'm going to write this down to convince myself that it's true. Someday I'll meet a woman who can love me for exactly who I am (Oh God please be true).