Steady Hands

Time to do some writing. I've been slowly but surly coming out of my funk, dealing with my thoughts as best I can. After all, I am my worst enemy. It's all my mentality, and I know just where I am the weakest.

I think trying to establish confidence in myself is the first step in recovery. My grandfather once told me that when you say to yourself "Ah, you idiot!" or "Duh, why didn't you think of that earlier!", it really reaches down into your sub conscience and you start believing that about yourself. I think that's true for me especially. I have convinced myself that I'm not good enough.

That being the case, whenever I find myself in a difficult situation, I feel that it is my responsibility to see it through, but I don't have the confidence in myself to get there. I get depressed about it.

So for the past few days I've been trying to focus on brighter and higher things. I usually start of my day with a Psalm or a Proverb to think about as I drive to work. I just need some discipline and I think I'd be all right. We'll get there though.

Anyways, right now I have to get back to studying for my CTS certification. I have one last chance to pass, and that's tonight. I also am going to Memphis all next week. That's final as of yesterday.

Peace and love.

Me Vs. Me

All of my problems seem to be stemming from my blatant inability to yield responsibility or control over a situation. I always feel like there's something I should do, or should have done to prevent adverse outcomes to situations I encounter on a daily basis. I don't know why I'm so negative all of the time. I can't be at peace.

It seems to me that this place I am in, whenever I am here, leads deeper and darker or around and around, like a dog chasing its tail. There is an excessive amount of negative energy floating around from day to day, and when you start focusing on it, you only see more and more. It never breaks. That's what leads to depression. It's a place where everything is against you and you are completely void of hope for something better.

When I'm really stressed out, I'm just tired all of the time. I don't want to really do anything or get out. I'm just fine sitting and doing nothing.

But right now I'm going to just sit on my bed for a while and be quiet with my eyes closed. I'll do that for about half and hour and then I'll make dinner. After that I'm going to study for my certification test. I take that tomorrow.

Other word on the street is that I might be going to Memphis next week. I hope not, but if I do, oh well. I'll be there with Jason and he's a pretty good guy. Well, I'm out.

Peace and love.

Problems

I'm really freaking out right now. I feel like every little thing that could go wrong, pretty much is. My phone just broke in time for me not to be able to make my payment on time. The awesome tool set I got from my parents for an early Christmas gift is broken. The batteries won't charge, so I have to see if I can exchange it. I just payed $36 for a new phone battery that isn't even the root of the broken phone, so I'll have to find time to be able to take that back and exchange it. I'll have to find money for a new phone entirely. I've got bills to pay and my money is running thin. My room is a mess. I have a huge test that I have to take on Thursday for my CTS certification, and I've got a lot to study. I'm having a real hard time finding peace right now. No matter what I do, now matter how hard I try, there is always something or someone against me. My stomach is twisting.

Growlings

I'm growing a lot right now. I can feel it. Pretty much every where I turn I face the option of feeling sorry for myself, or standing up and being a "man" about things. Now I say being a "man". That word has many definitions. My definition of being a "man" is taking the hard way because it has more to offer. That simply means that you dwell on higher things, you desire the right an honorable rout in every situation, and you desire to make Christ your center.

I strive for it all the time, but I'm better at failure than I am at success. I think the hardest part has to be being hated and ostracized by the people around me. It wears me down that the people I care about feel hate towards me and conspire behind my back. But we all have the option to choose the path we take. Hatred or love, selfishness or servitude. As hard as it is, I will continue to strive to be the servant. I will fight the hatred in my heart and my selfish nature in order to be the man I need to be.

Too Late to Be Writing

I'm sitting here, still awake. I could go to bed if I wanted to, but I just don't feel done yet. I've been trying to rid my mind of stress all weekend. Let me tell you, I don't think this apartment has ever been so clean. I also made a 45' RCA to 1/8" cable to run from my computer in my room to the DVD player in the living room so that I can play my iTunes playlist on the surround speakers. I wanted something to listen to while I cleaned.

I'm still feeling it though. The stress. I just can't stop thinking about finding the solution to all of my problems if I look hard enough or if I make myself right with God enough, but ultimately it all falls on my abilities to take action. But I'm so tired of taking action and I'm tired of all of the world's hardships that keep knocking me down. I just want peace, but I keep setting myself up for failure.

I think the hardest part of being me is my sense of obligation to keep everyone I come into contact with happy. It just can't be done! And what's more is that whenever I let go of that, on those very very rare days, I just feel so much more happy.

I want to get to the bottom of that. I know that it's in there somewhere, the root of it all. I try to eat the right foods, get enough sleep, keep my task list filed down, and fill my life with enough culture, pray enough, but it never seems enough. It feels like a fire that can't be quenched. I just need to stop sometimes, but it's so hard. It's so hard to just let it all go.

I'll Do the Best I Can

This week was really stressful. I was offered a job in Raleigh on Tuesday morning that would have appeared to be a great opportunity, but initially I didn't take it so well. What it meant in my life was that I had to let go of everything I've held on to for the past five years, and move on... all in about two weeks. That was a lot to chew in one day. So time progressed and I got the council I needed in order to make a better decision and I finally declined Friday. I did it because I just don't think I'm ready and I don't think I have the experience I would like to have in order to feel secure in the position I was offered. I'm staying here for the time being, and I'll get by.

On top of all of that, little stresses have been wearing me out. I'm plagued by the sense of duty I have to make everyone around me happy, and it just can't be done. I'm not going to try anymore. I don't have the resources to do it and it's making my life miserable. I'm not going to feel bad every time I disagree with someone, or every time I say no.

So I'll get through these next few days. I'll be going to NC on Wednesday with Lindsay. I've got a few more Christmas gifts to buy and then I'm putting up the No Vacancy sign. I just need to figure out a way to better manage my stress. I need to accept the fact that I can't fix this world and it's people and all of their problems. I'll do the best I can.

Peace and love.

The Feeling of Death

There is no way through life on an easy path, at least, not for me. I have come to a crossroads, completely at random, out of the blue. Never before in my life have I been stood before two choices that would cause me to be wrenched apart. I am a weak man sent to sacrifice my son on the alter before God. I have been given three days to find myself in obedience with God, to trust Him, that he holds Lindsay and I in His highest.

But right now all I see is blackness in a place where I fear I must go. Or do I see the wisdom and sacrifice in staying in here? Three days to analyze my entire life and see if I have the strength to let go of everything I hold dear and start over again.

There is so much of me that I wish could be mended now. There is so much of me that has been uncovered, strengths and weaknesses that I did not know I had.

What is the most frightening part of all of this is? Not only do I fear being separated from Lindsay for an unknown duration of time, but I prayed last week in my car that God would take me and do whatever it takes to break me into the faithful servant that I wish to be, but lack the strength to be. Those were pretty much my exact words. Is this the answer to what I prayed? Did I know what I was praying? Is this just a test? Am I to take Isaac to the alter and will the Lord provide a ram in his place? Can I submit to the Lord? Won't it hurt no matter what I do?

I need more sleep tonight than usual. I will go to Bible study to share my heart tomorrow morning before work. I need all of the prayer I can get. Please God.

Peace and love.

Climbing, but how fast?

Driving around Nashville provides it's problems. I've never lived in a city where 9 out of ten times while driving around, I will see a wreck. Maybe I won't actually see it happen, but I will see it. It is true that this isn't exactly Atlanta, where cars are manufactured all twisted together so as to face the inevitable. This is just a larger city. But in all honesty, I never remembered Greensboro, NC, which is almost the size of Nashville, to be this crazy with traffic. I don't know... I'll get over it just as long as I stay out of accidents.

I had a review with my boss today. He can be very intense at times and I had a hard time figuring out if he was trying to point things at me in particular, or if he was just making a point in general. He was cursing and speaking forcibly and condescendingly about things that are wrong with the install crew. I wasn't exactly comfortable, but I was hearing what he had to say and thinking back through my memory to see if I had violated any of the TI Commandments. I told him where my goals lied and what I was going to do, roughly, to get there. I have ambition, and when I see something that I want, I will have it. I told him that I am quite content where I am because I'm learning the basics. I also told him that my education has prepared me for something a little higher than where I currently am, but by being here I am building an important foundation and gaining lots of valuable experience. All of this is true. Finally I asked him what he had heard about me on the field, and he said he's heard nothing but good things. That means I must be doing a good job. I'm going to work harder though, just because I know I can be the best out there if I focus. I'm not trying to beat anyone out, but this is the standard I hold myself to. I feel compelled always to be rising to the top.

Peace and love.

Gold 1995 Toyota 4-cylindar Confessional (With a sqeek in the steering wheel)

Going against God. What does that mean to me? I think what it immediately translates to is "guilt", deep seated painful guilt. Unlike most of you readers, I tend to sin a lot in a 24 hour period, and I'm pretty conscious of it. I know when I have gone against God's will for my life. I often feel like if I would have been there, I would have gorged myself on the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Sin isn't ugly. It's beautiful. It's like a poison arrow frog. It's colorful and you are drawn to it, but it will kill you if you touch it.

It's really only visible as sin to me the first few times though. After a while it kinda falls back on the radar as just something you "struggle with" before it completely fades from the picture. Addicted sin is the worst for me and at this age, that's where most of it lies. It's sin that you have created space for in your life. You feed it and it hangs out with you.

I spent a while in the car today just praying, and not the stereotypical prayer either. I just had a conversation with God that I might have with a mentor. It felt good because I didn't feel condemned. I think that condemnation or disappointment is the hardest part about seeking counsel. I'm so used to not being helped when I open myself up to others for counsel. Instead, most of what I get is this kind of "look down to the ground, feel shocked, and just be quietly brooding" effect that really just helps me deal with sin. That's how we should always do it (sarcasm). But seriously, when most people open themselves up to someone, it's because they already feel guilty. Your job at that point, if you are relied on, is to be strong enough to help that person cope and get through it.

But fortunately for me, I have fallen into a small group of guys that believe in sin, a. and know how to help others with it. The thing is, we all sin, but fortunately, we all don't struggle with the exact same ones. None of us try to appear as super saints to each other. We get down and dirty and bring out stuff that most people wouldn't admit. But that's the first part to healing. That's why God gave us the church to begin with, but it really isn't like that anymore for the most part. Now a days, that's the last place where you would find someone openly struggling with sin. That's where people go who are "fixed". They never have deep sin struggles, they never have doubts about God, they never have to apologize to anyone for anything they do. They are righteous, set free, and completely healed... Unless you look too closely. I believe one of my biggest struggles growing up was believing that to be true about people that claimed it. Eventually, if you hang around someone long enough... well... sin can't be covered by our actions just like fire can't be covered by paper. It will eventually burn through. Everyone has something under their bed that they won't talk about because, and this is what was revealed about myself today, we are more worried about social condemnation than we are of eternal damnation. We will hide sin that is completely visible to God from each other because we are more conscious of what they might think than of what He has promised.

The truth of the matter is that God wants us to have each other to lean on, to confess to, and to encourage. I'm not saying that guilt never exists. Sometimes one would go to another and point out a sin that they might be quite fond of. This responsibility, I believe, is held for someone of deep trust to that person, but I'm sayin, it exists.

Confession was never a part of my daily life growing up, so I'm learning a lot about it now. I think to most kids, confession is what happens right before a punishment or a guilt trip. But what I'm learning about confession is that it is what happens right before God cradles you in His arms, and what happens right before the deepest and most dependable relationships in your life are realized.

That is all.

Peace and love.

Hole Saw

I keep feeling these growing pains. I don't know if I would even go as far as to call them pains. They're mostly just growing sensations. My eyes are opening to new experiences and I'm learning so much in such a short amount of time. I don't really know what to make of it all. I'm just trying to grasp onto something familiar so my mind doesn't spin out of control.

But at the same time, change is my passion, as long as it's good change.

Today I did a lot of work in the warehouse, just doing inventory or setting up for other jobs. The office is kinda slow this week, but that's fine with me. I like the shorter hours and everybody seems a lot less stressed out. I had a killer Gyro for lunch and then I went back to the office to get ready for one quick job at Vanderbilt. I was installing a fan inside of a credenza so that all of the machinery inside would keep cool by air circulation. To get it done I was going to need to cut a 5" diameter circle out in the side panel, but what would I use to cut? Space is limited. I called my dad and we talked about it for a while. I knew he had more woodworking experience than anyone in the office. We were talking about routing or just hole sawing the panel, so I went to Home Depot to look around. Routers were too expensive, so I mingled around looking for the hole saws like I belonged there.

I don't think anyone bought it. I always feel like I don't belong in those places, even when I'm geared up. I walk in to that building and I feel the eyes of experience glaring at me. I look like I'm 12. That doesn't help. It's the only reason why I have facial hair. It lessens the amount of times people card me for being in restaurants that specify a 21 year old cut off point. They do that so people can smoke there which is a new law that isn't going so well in the South.

I found a five inch hole saw though and I bought it along with the attachment piece. It cost $50 total! Good thing the company bought it. I don't have money for that kind of stuff.

So when I got there I got to work pretty fast. I didn't expect it to take long. I just needed to clear, cut, screw, plug, clean, and leave. So I went about cutting. Cutting was hard because I was using a high powered cord drill. The hole saw would just grab onto the wood and try to fling me across the room, so my wrist might be soar tomorrow. But I got it all cut and it installed with ease (that doesn't happen often). Cleaning was fun because there was no filter in the shop vac I used. That means that when I suck in dirt, it flies around inside really fast, and then it gets spit back out. I had to be very careful as to empty it out frequently into the trash so that it wouldn't make more of a mess than when I started.

So I finished at four and here I am. It's five. I've just been home taking it easy. I might finish my gyro for dinner, have a few beers. Maybe I'll take a nap. That would be nice. Seems like I always close out this journal with mentionings of desired rest. Peace and love.

Reliability

I look out and around and I see so many people with greater ambition than myself. I've been working at the Vanderbilt school of business for the past several days, and I see guys my age walking around who already look like they've been pushing paper for seven years. They think nothing but business. I spent some time thinking about what I would have turned out like had I chosen to buckle down even more than I did in school. What if I had chosen to be a balls-to-walls business man? What if all I ever thought about was just one thing?

That got me to thinking about reliability. I think I'm reliable, sometimes. I know people who don't think I'm reliable. I let people down a lot, but I also am prone to biting off more than I can chew. What ends up happening is that I eventually let someone down because I still reserve time for myself. How do you balance that? I have never felt right being able to legitimize spending time to my self. I always feel like I could be doing something more productive.

I don't know. Maybe I could be a little bit more productive. Maybe I could afford to be a little more focused. I'll see what I can do. But for now I'm really just in the mood to relax. I'll see what happens in the next few months.

Peace and love.

Love of Suffering

I always think of all of these great things I could write about during the day, but the problem is I never etch them down on anything, so when it comes time to write at night, I've got nothing left. We'll see if it works its way out while I type.

I woke up early this morning so I could get a head start at the office. It wasn't that hard. I must have slept pretty well. But in all of that time of getting up and getting ready, I never felt like I was about to go out the door and face a Monday. I didn't think of today as Monday, just another day. I think if days of the week didn't have names, I would be a lot better off in my morale. I'm learning to sort through life. I can be complicated just figuring out where money comes from, where it goes, and why I find myself thinking about it so much. I envy the people who can just sit back in faith and legitimately not worry about that kind of stuff. To say "It'll just happen" and seriously mean it is a level of faith that intimidates me. I'm trying to be cautious about what worries me. I express my stress on these pages often, but solutions aren't really my focus. It's all about the suffering. I feel like I can say that because I know I'm not the only one who has a twisted attraction to suffering. There are plenty of us out there, especially here in America. It makes us feel real and it sedates the mundane sensation of every-day-life.

I don't know why it is so important for the human psyche to have others feel sorry for them. At the very root of it, a pity party manifests in us because we want attention. Why would I ever question why? Of course I know the reason. We need other people, and we need to know that they're thinking about us and that they are concerned for us. We can have the whole world in our pockets, but if that one person we admire doesn't pay attention to us, we find ways to focus on our suffering so that we can derive comfort from those around us. In effect, we're an army of people starving for affection, love, beyond that, the manifestation of a personal and perfect love.

That's how it tends to start out at least, and it varies with age. We want that love. But it gets more complicated. We end up just wanting that feeling that makes us feel expectant of love, and it backs in farther. Eventually we just end up suffering all the time, expecting to, needing to.

I took an hour break between writing those two paragraphs. Now I'm totally not in the mood to write anymore. Peace and love.