Going against God. What does that mean to me? I think what it immediately translates to is "guilt", deep seated painful guilt. Unlike most of you readers, I tend to sin a lot in a 24 hour period, and I'm pretty conscious of it. I know when I have gone against God's will for my life. I often feel like if I would have been there, I would have gorged myself on the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Sin isn't ugly. It's beautiful. It's like a poison arrow frog. It's colorful and you are drawn to it, but it will kill you if you touch it.
It's really only visible as sin to me the first few times though. After a while it kinda falls back on the radar as just something you "struggle with" before it completely fades from the picture. Addicted sin is the worst for me and at this age, that's where most of it lies. It's sin that you have created space for in your life. You feed it and it hangs out with you.
I spent a while in the car today just praying, and not the stereotypical prayer either. I just had a conversation with God that I might have with a mentor. It felt good because I didn't feel condemned. I think that condemnation or disappointment is the hardest part about seeking counsel. I'm so used to not being helped when I open myself up to others for counsel. Instead, most of what I get is this kind of "look down to the ground, feel shocked, and just be quietly brooding" effect that really just helps me deal with sin. That's how we should always do it (sarcasm). But seriously, when most people open themselves up to someone, it's because they already feel guilty. Your job at that point, if you are relied on, is to be strong enough to help that person cope and get through it.
But fortunately for me, I have fallen into a small group of guys that believe in sin, a. and know how to help others with it. The thing is, we all sin, but fortunately, we all don't struggle with the exact same ones. None of us try to appear as super saints to each other. We get down and dirty and bring out stuff that most people wouldn't admit. But that's the first part to healing. That's why God gave us the church to begin with, but it really isn't like that anymore for the most part. Now a days, that's the last place where you would find someone openly struggling with sin. That's where people go who are "fixed". They never have deep sin struggles, they never have doubts about God, they never have to apologize to anyone for anything they do. They are righteous, set free, and completely healed... Unless you look too closely. I believe one of my biggest struggles growing up was believing that to be true about people that claimed it. Eventually, if you hang around someone long enough... well... sin can't be covered by our actions just like fire can't be covered by paper. It will eventually burn through. Everyone has something under their bed that they won't talk about because, and this is what was revealed about myself today, we are more worried about social condemnation than we are of eternal damnation. We will hide sin that is completely visible to God from each other because we are more conscious of what they might think than of what He has promised.
The truth of the matter is that God wants us to have each other to lean on, to confess to, and to encourage. I'm not saying that guilt never exists. Sometimes one would go to another and point out a sin that they might be quite fond of. This responsibility, I believe, is held for someone of deep trust to that person, but I'm sayin, it exists.
Confession was never a part of my daily life growing up, so I'm learning a lot about it now. I think to most kids, confession is what happens right before a punishment or a guilt trip. But what I'm learning about confession is that it is what happens right before God cradles you in His arms, and what happens right before the deepest and most dependable relationships in your life are realized.
That is all.
Peace and love.
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