It Felt Like Death. It Comes in Waves.

The past few days have been really hard on me, and I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps I tried to bury a lot of my anxieties before they were completely dealt with. Whatever the case may be, my head has been swimming, and not very well.

I want to say that what I feel is completely unreasonable, but it isn't. It wouldn't be life if things like this just went away. Feels like she had a pretty easy time of that though. I wish I could have shoved my emotions out the door so easily, not thinking once about the past six months of my life, the time spent during those six months, not even having the slightest bit of remorse. She wanted me to think she was strong, but that seemed a bit over-compensative if you ask me. On the other hand, she knew me more deeply than any one else, and I think she knew exactly how to hurt me the most. One of those girls who would take advantage of my deepest insecurity. I thought I knew her better than that. I thought she cared more than that. I honestly believed that she loved me, but all in all, I was just another trend for her. Something fun to pass the time in Nashville. One more thing in her life that she got really excited about, but then decided to move on when it lost it's thrill. Perhaps she thought of me as ending up being like her last boyfriend. But what is consistent about that picture? Maybe that guy and me would've gotten along. Maybe she tore him down like she'll probably tear me down to her next boyfriend.

But here's the question that I'm sure you're all asking.

Why do I care? Why do I torment myself with these thoughts? Wasn't it mutual?

Yes. It was. I just can't remember exactly why. I know there were reasons as to why that relationship was hurting me. I know there were good reasons as to why it should have ended a lot sooner. I just don't remember them. Why that is? I don't know. It's like she's dead. And with the dead we tend to not dwell on the bad things about them, unless they were mass murderers or something like that. But being that she's out of my life forever, and a few days before I would have told her that I loved her, but then she just tore off and I'll never see her again. Being that it happened that way, my heart is so heavy. It happened like death.

So no matter how mutual it was, no matter how much I can speak ill of her if I dig deep enough down, no matter how much I try, I am the one who, in her eyes, looses, because I am the one filled with hurt that can't be evaded. She wins if she wants it. I concede. I am in pain. As mutual as it was, and I'm sure as right as it all plays out to be, I don't think I'll ever be able to be as cold as she was. I don't think I'll ever look back on the end of it all and smile. She got rid of me so much easier than she got rid of her dog.

So that's enough of that for one night. I just needed to spit all of that out because I'm tired of holding it in, even if some of it is a little intense and unjustly bitter. I know a lot of people don't understand, and I wouldn't understand either if I wasn't me. I am moving on, I really am. Most days I am happy and looking forward to the future and what is to come. Most days. But for the past few days I have really just been mostly in pain. I haven't slept much because she has been haunting in me in my dreams. I've been taking sleep aids for the past two nights so it hasn't been as bad, but before, she was everywhere I went. She didn't say anything, do anything, other than stand there and look straight ahead. I'm pretty sure my friends are sick of hearing about it, and the Lord is allowing me to continue to go through this pain, so I suppose I will with hope at least. It will come in waves though. I know that about my pain. It comes in waves. I will be fine for a while, and then I will be hit. And then it spreads out, and then I will be hit again.

I think the worst of it was today, so it should start to dissipate. I won't be afraid to talk about it though. Be annoyed if you want.

What really happened today? I drove Mitch's motorcycle that he just bought back from a farm in Lebanon (the city). It's a few years older than I am, but it runs. Not too good on highways as it is not quite as heavy as mine and it doesn't have the acceleration, but I think it will be a good bike for him to have around the city given the right amount of sweat and grease. I got nervous, as I'm sure he did to, when I lost power on I-40. I pulled over and looked it over. I thought it had just overheated because it wasn't used to going 70, but it turns out that the guy didn't put enough gas in it to get us home. I hit the fuel reserve and we were able to get to the gas station behind my house. From there we filled up and drove to his. It also would cut the engine if you held in the clutch. Not good if you're going really fast to have to re-start your bike. I did though and by the end of the trip, it was able to idle without dying. I just don't think the previous owner rode it too much.

I'm on a new job-site as well. Unfortunately I'm going to be overworked on this one too, but I need to do it as a servant. I can't always serve at things I like doing. Sometimes we have to serve in areas that we don't really enjoy. All in all, I'll at least see some money out of it. I'm hitting the sack though. Got a long week ahead of me.