Tomorrow is going to be sunny and warm, probably warm enough to ride my motorcycle. I'm excited about that. I'm also excited about getting the time off to go on tour. My company is really working with me on my desire to go on tour. They said that if I enjoyed it enough to do it regularly, they would back me down to contractor status so that I could have work whenever I was in town. That's great news!
As far as my person is concerned, I must admit to being a little emotionally spent. I don't really feel much at all right now, though sometimes I catch myself being caught up in nostalgia or a day dream here or there. I loose concentration really easily and I don't retain much, but that'll all pass with time.
I just have to try my best to hold on to some form of hope. That's all I need. Just something small.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Developing Developments
So this is the latest news. Last night I was carrying more pain than I could stand. I shut down, couldn't think, pretty much just crawled into a hole and wanted to stay there alone for a while. I don't want to mistreat my friends, but it's hard when pain seems so big. It makes you only want to think of yourself.
But today things were better. I was working with the new guy, Jeff, and we got a lot done. I was sort of filling in as the lead tech because the actual lead tech was called away. Sometimes I feel like a good leader. Sometimes I don't. I felt good today though. We just did our thing and I simply guided it. Jeff is a good guy too. Very interesting.
I got a call last night from Paul though, one that I didn't take. But he was calling to inform me that Andrew Peterson is going on tour soon and he wanted me to meet him to see if he would like to use me on the road. So we had lunch today and everything seemed to click. I'll be his front of house engineer as well as his road manager. All that's left to deal with is getting the time off of work. We're slammed right now and it's going to hurt the company if I take any time off, but I need to do this. I haven't decided what I would do if they denied me the opportunity to go yet. It comes down to my dream, if you could call it that. Do I want this bad enough to jump off a cliff for it? I can't exactly afford to fall through the cracks though. We'll see. I'll be praying about it and remaining hopeful, but after last time, I am nervous for sure.
One thing is for certain. I need to get out of this city for just a little while. I am dwelling too much on my pain, and this city is a constant reminder. It could be worse though, and by listening to my older music I am reminded that it has been much worse than this before.
Peace and love.
But today things were better. I was working with the new guy, Jeff, and we got a lot done. I was sort of filling in as the lead tech because the actual lead tech was called away. Sometimes I feel like a good leader. Sometimes I don't. I felt good today though. We just did our thing and I simply guided it. Jeff is a good guy too. Very interesting.
I got a call last night from Paul though, one that I didn't take. But he was calling to inform me that Andrew Peterson is going on tour soon and he wanted me to meet him to see if he would like to use me on the road. So we had lunch today and everything seemed to click. I'll be his front of house engineer as well as his road manager. All that's left to deal with is getting the time off of work. We're slammed right now and it's going to hurt the company if I take any time off, but I need to do this. I haven't decided what I would do if they denied me the opportunity to go yet. It comes down to my dream, if you could call it that. Do I want this bad enough to jump off a cliff for it? I can't exactly afford to fall through the cracks though. We'll see. I'll be praying about it and remaining hopeful, but after last time, I am nervous for sure.
One thing is for certain. I need to get out of this city for just a little while. I am dwelling too much on my pain, and this city is a constant reminder. It could be worse though, and by listening to my older music I am reminded that it has been much worse than this before.
Peace and love.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The Creative Collaborative
Tonight was awesome. Work wasn't really that awesome, but tonight was. I'll start with work though.
At work, everything seemed going well. We were on schedule with what we were doing, but after lunch our boss stopped by. I told him that we found a better way to run the cable than what we thought we would do yesterday. Turns out, it was the wrong way, or so we predict. We might have to pull it all out, even though it is the more sensible way. It has to do with the code that Vanderbilt has selected to construct its buildings by, not the state, but Vanderbilt. So that sucks.
But while I was working, I felt so creative. I was writing two new songs in my head AT THE SAME TIME. One was a rock song and the other was a sort of, I don't want to say jazzy, but... jazzy.
I started recording the rock song with AP at his place, then Stuffy came over. They started talking about all of my songs that they like and now we're going to start a huge project to re-record most of them. I'm excited. I never really had much confidence in my own music, but now I feel at ease enough to let other people collaborate with me and help me refine them. I think it will turn out pretty good.
It's snowing right now, and it's sticking. It will probably be gone when I wake up, but it makes me glad that it is at least snowing.
Peace and love.
At work, everything seemed going well. We were on schedule with what we were doing, but after lunch our boss stopped by. I told him that we found a better way to run the cable than what we thought we would do yesterday. Turns out, it was the wrong way, or so we predict. We might have to pull it all out, even though it is the more sensible way. It has to do with the code that Vanderbilt has selected to construct its buildings by, not the state, but Vanderbilt. So that sucks.
But while I was working, I felt so creative. I was writing two new songs in my head AT THE SAME TIME. One was a rock song and the other was a sort of, I don't want to say jazzy, but... jazzy.
I started recording the rock song with AP at his place, then Stuffy came over. They started talking about all of my songs that they like and now we're going to start a huge project to re-record most of them. I'm excited. I never really had much confidence in my own music, but now I feel at ease enough to let other people collaborate with me and help me refine them. I think it will turn out pretty good.
It's snowing right now, and it's sticking. It will probably be gone when I wake up, but it makes me glad that it is at least snowing.
Peace and love.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Blessing of Friends
I just had an amazing night with my friends. AP spent a long time talking with me about how all of this unfolded. He said that he was sorry our relationship had ended, but he thought it brought out such great qualities in me and that it equipped me for good things to come.
Paul also dropped by. He is such an encourager. He just listens, and as we know, I am fully capable of talking. He listened to me share about my emotions over all of this, how I've been crying and how simple things have been setting me off. That's one of the things I found through Lindsay, the ability to cry or be emotionally expressive. I don't know what exactly brought it out, but I know that's a big difference about me now. Maybe it's just how she met me when she did. I won't dwell on it, but it happened.
Paul said it is a blessing for us to be able to let it go. Crying is an active relinquishing of control over something, which is what I struggle with. It says that I'm weak, and that I'm surrendering. I need to surrender. Last night when I cried I was doubled over. It felt almost like throwing up it was so strong. There was more to it than just our relationship being over, I am convinced. I think there was years of build-up of disappointment in myself that I was letting go of there on my bed. I am not in control, and it's not my fault. That's what I was crying about too.
I am glad for my friends.
Paul also dropped by. He is such an encourager. He just listens, and as we know, I am fully capable of talking. He listened to me share about my emotions over all of this, how I've been crying and how simple things have been setting me off. That's one of the things I found through Lindsay, the ability to cry or be emotionally expressive. I don't know what exactly brought it out, but I know that's a big difference about me now. Maybe it's just how she met me when she did. I won't dwell on it, but it happened.
Paul said it is a blessing for us to be able to let it go. Crying is an active relinquishing of control over something, which is what I struggle with. It says that I'm weak, and that I'm surrendering. I need to surrender. Last night when I cried I was doubled over. It felt almost like throwing up it was so strong. There was more to it than just our relationship being over, I am convinced. I think there was years of build-up of disappointment in myself that I was letting go of there on my bed. I am not in control, and it's not my fault. That's what I was crying about too.
I am glad for my friends.
Motorcycle-ycle-ycle-ycle
The chronicles continue. I'm being very open about myself in these entries I realize. I guess I'm just not afraid to say what I feel like I need to say. Not a big surprise for most of you I'm sure.
Last night I cried myself to a Nyquil induced sleep. I thought I was going to be okay, but it exploded out of me like a starting gun. The next thing I knew it was morning, and time for me to go to work. I wasn't sure what to expect from myself, after all, I knew she was leaving for good at the moment I was driving in.
Up until lunch I found it hard to focus, but then the clouds literally broke and I saw blue sky again. That's sometimes all it takes to put me into a positive mood. I brushed myself off. It was up to me now to deal with what I was going through to the best of my ability, without shame.
I've been trying to focus all day on the things I had before I met Lindsay that I could have back now that she was gone. I am surrounded by good friends who love me dearly, I feel more compelled to go back to the gym, I am already starting to write music again and sing more, I am creative and engaging, and I have strong passions. All of these things were fainted in me in my relationship with her, and I'm going to have to learn how to hold them again. I'm not trying to degrade her. I told my friends the story of how it all went down tonight, and they got mad like I expected them too, but I explained to them that I was not ill towards her and that I didn't want that kind of support from them. It's all very true. I am going to miss her terribly regardless of how much it seems like she misses me, but mourning has drawn to a close. I now have to work on healing and stepping back out to my place in this world.
I rode my motorcycle today and it was incredible. It was exactly what I needed.
Peace and love.
Last night I cried myself to a Nyquil induced sleep. I thought I was going to be okay, but it exploded out of me like a starting gun. The next thing I knew it was morning, and time for me to go to work. I wasn't sure what to expect from myself, after all, I knew she was leaving for good at the moment I was driving in.
Up until lunch I found it hard to focus, but then the clouds literally broke and I saw blue sky again. That's sometimes all it takes to put me into a positive mood. I brushed myself off. It was up to me now to deal with what I was going through to the best of my ability, without shame.
I've been trying to focus all day on the things I had before I met Lindsay that I could have back now that she was gone. I am surrounded by good friends who love me dearly, I feel more compelled to go back to the gym, I am already starting to write music again and sing more, I am creative and engaging, and I have strong passions. All of these things were fainted in me in my relationship with her, and I'm going to have to learn how to hold them again. I'm not trying to degrade her. I told my friends the story of how it all went down tonight, and they got mad like I expected them too, but I explained to them that I was not ill towards her and that I didn't want that kind of support from them. It's all very true. I am going to miss her terribly regardless of how much it seems like she misses me, but mourning has drawn to a close. I now have to work on healing and stepping back out to my place in this world.
I rode my motorcycle today and it was incredible. It was exactly what I needed.
Peace and love.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
More Writting
Being alone sends me into spirals of sadness. I'm trying to keep myself surrounded with my friends, but I have to go home at the end of the day and I still have to wake up in the morning alone. Those are the times when I am the most vulnerable. My friends have been good though, to call me, to invite me out. I really need them. I really need the Lord to sooth this immense pain. I will have to learn what to do with my time again. Staying at home alone is so horrible. Thinking on how easy it seemed for her to leave hurts me too. I am going to try to go into work tomorrow and do the best job I can. I sent an e-mail in to my supervisors to let them know what happened. It's going to be really difficult to keep my mind in the game, but I have to so I don't get hurt or hurt anyone else.
Lindsay, You Will Always Be a Part of Me
Being single again is going to be hard. I said goodbye to Lindsay today for probably the rest of our lives, and that was hard. I cried so hard when I got to my car it hurt my stomach, but I couldn't, I didn't want to, control it. I have come to understand that there are some things in life worth crying about. It's okay for even men to cry.
We both know that this is the right thing for us. She seems to be having an easier time with it than I do, but that's just the way we always were. I tend to dwell on things too much. We knew there were problems in our relationship, but we were choosing to ignore them. But then we both realized what such a great distance was going to do to us. This was something we couldn't work through. So I'd like to speak highly of her in a segment of this journal.
Lindsay and I met when we were stepping onto a new stage of life. We didn't know anything about what the future was going to hold, so in that, we found comfort in each other. It was graduation night and I was in my cap and gown. I was lost in the hall trying to find my section when a girl's voice stopped me. She said my name, and she even knew what section I was in, but I didn't recognize her. She was a pretty girl with long brown hair, blue eyes, and square frame glasses. I was intrigued and I had a conversation with her that I got lost in. She knew me from a concert that I went to in her living room about a month prior. We had talked, and like most people who I only meet for a few minutes, I forgot her name and what she looked like. At the time I thought I was moving back to NC, so I didn't want to try and start anything, but come graduation, I knew I was staying because I had a job. I found out her name and contacted her on Facebook, as lame as that sounds. It was my only means to do so though. I couldn't think of any other way. I asked her on a date, and she said yes. I was really excited and I actually took her out on a real date to a real restaurant where I actually paid for everything. We found out we were into a lot of the same stuff and we both wanted to see each other again. That's pretty much how it all started. Our first kiss was like a movie. It was on a Summer night in a gravel parking lot. I was hesitant and I leaned in, and she could tell that I was hesitating, so she finished the job. As soon as our lips hit, there was a big clap of thunder and it started pouring rain.
She and I had a lot of good times, and we made our fair share of mistakes. She loved me with my flaws and I loved her too. I could never get over the fact that I wasn't perfect, which is one of the things that eventually drove her away from me, but I learned a lot from her. Formulas don't work, you can't find her, she just appears, and she won't be perfect, but that's the beauty of love. You push through the hardships and you hang on. What broke us apart wasn't our lack of trying. It was fate. Our lives were moving in two separate directions and there was no changing that without giving up one of our dreams and passions. That is a demand that neither of us could put on the other, and so it ended as abruptly as it began on Friday night, the 22nd day of the 2nd month of 2008.
I will probably cry more, especially tomorrow as I feel her presence leave this city. It will be a cold and helpless feeling, but I know the Lord will meet me there. I don't think he expects me to be cheerful, and I don't think he'll try to cheer me up. We were designed to mourn over the loss of something dear to us. But my life will continue, I will continue to achieve, and love has certainly not left me.
I hope the world for her. I am not bitter or angry towards her, and any man that says a degrading thing about her in my presence will wish they hadn't. Lindsay, may you always be blessed.
Peace and love.
We both know that this is the right thing for us. She seems to be having an easier time with it than I do, but that's just the way we always were. I tend to dwell on things too much. We knew there were problems in our relationship, but we were choosing to ignore them. But then we both realized what such a great distance was going to do to us. This was something we couldn't work through. So I'd like to speak highly of her in a segment of this journal.
Lindsay and I met when we were stepping onto a new stage of life. We didn't know anything about what the future was going to hold, so in that, we found comfort in each other. It was graduation night and I was in my cap and gown. I was lost in the hall trying to find my section when a girl's voice stopped me. She said my name, and she even knew what section I was in, but I didn't recognize her. She was a pretty girl with long brown hair, blue eyes, and square frame glasses. I was intrigued and I had a conversation with her that I got lost in. She knew me from a concert that I went to in her living room about a month prior. We had talked, and like most people who I only meet for a few minutes, I forgot her name and what she looked like. At the time I thought I was moving back to NC, so I didn't want to try and start anything, but come graduation, I knew I was staying because I had a job. I found out her name and contacted her on Facebook, as lame as that sounds. It was my only means to do so though. I couldn't think of any other way. I asked her on a date, and she said yes. I was really excited and I actually took her out on a real date to a real restaurant where I actually paid for everything. We found out we were into a lot of the same stuff and we both wanted to see each other again. That's pretty much how it all started. Our first kiss was like a movie. It was on a Summer night in a gravel parking lot. I was hesitant and I leaned in, and she could tell that I was hesitating, so she finished the job. As soon as our lips hit, there was a big clap of thunder and it started pouring rain.
She and I had a lot of good times, and we made our fair share of mistakes. She loved me with my flaws and I loved her too. I could never get over the fact that I wasn't perfect, which is one of the things that eventually drove her away from me, but I learned a lot from her. Formulas don't work, you can't find her, she just appears, and she won't be perfect, but that's the beauty of love. You push through the hardships and you hang on. What broke us apart wasn't our lack of trying. It was fate. Our lives were moving in two separate directions and there was no changing that without giving up one of our dreams and passions. That is a demand that neither of us could put on the other, and so it ended as abruptly as it began on Friday night, the 22nd day of the 2nd month of 2008.
I will probably cry more, especially tomorrow as I feel her presence leave this city. It will be a cold and helpless feeling, but I know the Lord will meet me there. I don't think he expects me to be cheerful, and I don't think he'll try to cheer me up. We were designed to mourn over the loss of something dear to us. But my life will continue, I will continue to achieve, and love has certainly not left me.
I hope the world for her. I am not bitter or angry towards her, and any man that says a degrading thing about her in my presence will wish they hadn't. Lindsay, may you always be blessed.
Peace and love.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Figured You Should Know
Rough night tonight. Lindsay and I decided to part ways. I won't elaborate on it, but I figure it's not really private information. It will get around sooner or later. I just think it's easier for me to write about it than to talk to everyone about it. I had people feel sympathy for me tonight, they were good friends to do so, but now that part is over. I don't need that anymore or all the advice like "Oh, I just know God has someone for you."
"Oh really? I was worried and sad for a moment there."
I've shelled that out to tons of guys who have gone through breakups. It doesn't help and I already know that stuff, so reminding me won't really help much.
Finally, to those of you who are excited about this whole breakup. Sorry, but it won't change our relationship. If you hated us then you hated me too, and that doesn't stand as easily forgotten as most offenses against me. Again, sorry, but that's just the way it is.
"Oh really? I was worried and sad for a moment there."
I've shelled that out to tons of guys who have gone through breakups. It doesn't help and I already know that stuff, so reminding me won't really help much.
Finally, to those of you who are excited about this whole breakup. Sorry, but it won't change our relationship. If you hated us then you hated me too, and that doesn't stand as easily forgotten as most offenses against me. Again, sorry, but that's just the way it is.
Money for Bike
Hangin out here at work just waiting to be used. It's kinda cool and kinda lame at the same time. I don't have to really do much other than wait around for the programmers to need someone to troubleshoot something... but the thing is, the programmers are pretty competent on their own because they used to be installers too. The reason I feel anxious is because I feel like I should be doing something more, but I'm not. I could be getting a call at any time to go to another site though. I might just be driving all over the place today as it stands. We'll see though.
I have finally caught up on all of the episodes of lost, from the beginning to present. I am pretty pumped, and I predict this will open up more free time for me to figure out what to do with, being that I don't watch four hours of lost every night... I know... not healthy, but I enjoyed it.
I am really excited that the warm weather will be coming back soon. I don't know what I'll do with it... Scratch that. I know exactly what I'll do with it. I'll play more frisbee, and I'll ride my motorcycle. I might even get a back seat soon so that my friends can ride if they wanted to. I'd have to get another helmet though. Honestly it'll all have to come in steps. I mean with getting my bike tuned up, getting a back seat, getting passenger foot pegs, and getting a new helmet... We're looking at about $700. What I'm waiting for is for my bike to get a little older so that I can more easily find parts on e-bay. That should bring it more into my price range. But beyond that, I'd also like to get the back shocks on my bike lowered so that I have a better center of gravity.
But then again, if I get a touring gig, do I really want to pour a lot of money in my bike? I don't know yet.
I have finally caught up on all of the episodes of lost, from the beginning to present. I am pretty pumped, and I predict this will open up more free time for me to figure out what to do with, being that I don't watch four hours of lost every night... I know... not healthy, but I enjoyed it.
I am really excited that the warm weather will be coming back soon. I don't know what I'll do with it... Scratch that. I know exactly what I'll do with it. I'll play more frisbee, and I'll ride my motorcycle. I might even get a back seat soon so that my friends can ride if they wanted to. I'd have to get another helmet though. Honestly it'll all have to come in steps. I mean with getting my bike tuned up, getting a back seat, getting passenger foot pegs, and getting a new helmet... We're looking at about $700. What I'm waiting for is for my bike to get a little older so that I can more easily find parts on e-bay. That should bring it more into my price range. But beyond that, I'd also like to get the back shocks on my bike lowered so that I have a better center of gravity.
But then again, if I get a touring gig, do I really want to pour a lot of money in my bike? I don't know yet.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Stones and Wolves
I'm sittin here in bed just thinkin. I can't sleep and it's late, but part of that is because I just finished the third season of Lost, and I'm too excited to sleep. But there's a lot of heavy anticipation in my heart right now for things to come. Everything will change, but I'm not sure exactly how. I guess everyone could say that about their own lives. Is there really anything about life that stays the same. Not even God. I know that theologically, God never changes, but his vastness is so broad, sometimes it appears as change to us. I'm just too anxious right now. I need to calm down.
I've been hurting people a lot lately too. It feels like I slowly destroy myself every time I do it, but I do it anyways. I talked about that last night when I wrote in a sense. I do it because I am afraid. It's why I rarely get face-to-face mad at anyone. I don't because I hate acting out of fear. I will hurt someone in my protective evasion rather than attack them head on because I am afraid and my fear makes me afraid. It's cyclical and counterintuitive, and pretty silly when you stop to think about it. But I feel that most people have a higher expectation of me than I can reach. Perhaps it is normal to get angry face-to-face with people, even if you are wrong. Perhaps people expect that every now and then. But I don't feel that way. I feel like I have to maintain, and that there is no room for error.
Last night I wrote in anger. I wrote because I was made to feel inferior and stupid, and it drove me crazy. I attacked a character that, in my mind, has a face, but in most of your minds, probably doesn't. I prefer to keep it that way. In this journal there is no real need to put a figure in the cutout of my anxieties. Stating my anxieties is enough. But then I think, well what if that person read my journal, just on the off chance? I mean it's not completely impossible that they might. And what if they pieced things together and figured it out? I did, of course, credit them with being of a higher intelligence. I mean there is the adage, and one of my favorites I might mention, that "When a stone is thrown into a pack of wolves, the one that yelps is the one that is hit." It means that I am throwing a stone, or a seemingly general statement, into a pack of wolves, or my potential readers. Perhaps it might hit the one that I'm secretly aiming at, perhaps it might hit someone who I didn't intend. But it will probably hit someone.
So why don't I take it down then? I suppose it's because I cannot deny that this is how I feel, even if it is wrong. It didn't come from nothing. There are instances that can back up my case for feeling that way, but I can't exactly speak of it as if it were Truth. To say that such a thing is the Truth about someone limits them to a character in a play. It simplifies them to a script, no more complex than words on a page. When we do that to each other, we might stay comfortable in our own ideal for a time, but we limit the love we can give and the love we can receive. In sort of an obscure way, we numb our own souls to the vulnerability of relationships.
I cannot keep labeling people, because to do that would be hypocritical. It angers me when others label who I am without realizing my complexities, so why would I do that to someone else? Is it wrong to talk about things that upset you or annoy you? I guess it depends on motives, but I would say, in a journal, no. In a public journal, limitations should be taken. That is why I mention no names.
I guess I wrote this down because I was talking with someone today who wanted to know what I thought about several things. As I told them what I thought, it seemed like they were holding back tears of frustration not of what we were talking about, but of me. And perhaps it's the "tell-tale heart" beating under my floorboards, but it convicted me and made me realize how destructive such a simple rant could be. I have a private hand-written journal. That is the place for strong words concerning a man's character that may or may not be accurate.
I've been hurting people a lot lately too. It feels like I slowly destroy myself every time I do it, but I do it anyways. I talked about that last night when I wrote in a sense. I do it because I am afraid. It's why I rarely get face-to-face mad at anyone. I don't because I hate acting out of fear. I will hurt someone in my protective evasion rather than attack them head on because I am afraid and my fear makes me afraid. It's cyclical and counterintuitive, and pretty silly when you stop to think about it. But I feel that most people have a higher expectation of me than I can reach. Perhaps it is normal to get angry face-to-face with people, even if you are wrong. Perhaps people expect that every now and then. But I don't feel that way. I feel like I have to maintain, and that there is no room for error.
Last night I wrote in anger. I wrote because I was made to feel inferior and stupid, and it drove me crazy. I attacked a character that, in my mind, has a face, but in most of your minds, probably doesn't. I prefer to keep it that way. In this journal there is no real need to put a figure in the cutout of my anxieties. Stating my anxieties is enough. But then I think, well what if that person read my journal, just on the off chance? I mean it's not completely impossible that they might. And what if they pieced things together and figured it out? I did, of course, credit them with being of a higher intelligence. I mean there is the adage, and one of my favorites I might mention, that "When a stone is thrown into a pack of wolves, the one that yelps is the one that is hit." It means that I am throwing a stone, or a seemingly general statement, into a pack of wolves, or my potential readers. Perhaps it might hit the one that I'm secretly aiming at, perhaps it might hit someone who I didn't intend. But it will probably hit someone.
So why don't I take it down then? I suppose it's because I cannot deny that this is how I feel, even if it is wrong. It didn't come from nothing. There are instances that can back up my case for feeling that way, but I can't exactly speak of it as if it were Truth. To say that such a thing is the Truth about someone limits them to a character in a play. It simplifies them to a script, no more complex than words on a page. When we do that to each other, we might stay comfortable in our own ideal for a time, but we limit the love we can give and the love we can receive. In sort of an obscure way, we numb our own souls to the vulnerability of relationships.
I cannot keep labeling people, because to do that would be hypocritical. It angers me when others label who I am without realizing my complexities, so why would I do that to someone else? Is it wrong to talk about things that upset you or annoy you? I guess it depends on motives, but I would say, in a journal, no. In a public journal, limitations should be taken. That is why I mention no names.
I guess I wrote this down because I was talking with someone today who wanted to know what I thought about several things. As I told them what I thought, it seemed like they were holding back tears of frustration not of what we were talking about, but of me. And perhaps it's the "tell-tale heart" beating under my floorboards, but it convicted me and made me realize how destructive such a simple rant could be. I have a private hand-written journal. That is the place for strong words concerning a man's character that may or may not be accurate.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Prideful Intellectualism
Intellectualism taken to the extreme... it drives me insane! I'm not the most brilliant man on the face of the earth. Take spelling for instance. I don't spell very well at all. Take writing for instance. My journals don't make a lot of sense. But sometimes I have good things to say, that much cannot be denied... Unless you're just trying to pick it apart...
The character I tend to rub up against the most in my life is the Prideful Intellectual. Let me explain what this person looks like. They are just as insecure as everyone else, but their method of covering that up is different. Some people hide from their insecurities in faith. They flat out deny that they have problems and they use some type of religion to justify or reinforce this. Some people let their insecurities eat them alive, allow them to define who they are, and simply live as a prisoner to them. The prideful intellectual uses knowledge and his own understanding to accomplish an even keel.
They have a gift, that much is true. They see things differently than most people. But their gift gives them potential to be a hero or villain above the rest or to themselves. There are so many people in this world that overachieve because they are afraid, just like the rest of us. They use their knowledge to defend their prejudices. They disagree for the sake of disagreeing. They are noble in their own minds, and people are pitted against them because they are simple-minded and they do not understand the greater weight of things. But like even the most simple-minded man, their pride comes from a source of pain and insecurity. They are shrewed listeners who pick apart every word you speak, argue semantics, play the Devil's advocate at every angle, and run from most things requiring emotional investment. Often times that source of pain comes from moment when they may have had faith in something or someone that let down their expectations. Prodding around long enough, you can find it. It's the subject that makes them the most angry to discuss.
But don't ever expect to beat this person out in a debate or argument. They are extremely well thought out and have high thick walls reinforced by shelves and shelves of books and dissertations. They will set traps for you to fall into. They enjoy argument as an opportunity to bolster their confidence in what they know.
I have a hard time with this character because I am not quick and witty. I am an easy target because though I might be intelligent, I don't have much skill in debate. I am an influencer and an idea man. But this character cannot be influenced and takes pride in picking apart ideas. Sometimes to me it seems as if they are searching for Truth like it was the Fountain of Youth. But Truth can be grabbed as easily as the arm of God. It is not provable by scientific or philosophic knowledge. In fact, the only thing that these kinds of knowledge can prove is what truth might not be, and that path is endless. These types of knowledge are not reserved for spiritual enlightenment, but for understanding the physical and potential world that we live in. If that is what your hope is vested in, then it is only as valuable as the days you live out, which have not been promised to you by God or science. It is then hopeless, and hopelessness seems to be the Prideful Intellectual's peace. It becomes the one thing that stays consistent throughout life.
I am scared by this person the most perhaps because I can see some of my own tendencies in them. Perhaps it is because I am capable of sympathizing with their pessimism that we both refer to as being "realistic". Regardless, my frustration has no end, and I feel that this is something that I must deal with internally.
The character I tend to rub up against the most in my life is the Prideful Intellectual. Let me explain what this person looks like. They are just as insecure as everyone else, but their method of covering that up is different. Some people hide from their insecurities in faith. They flat out deny that they have problems and they use some type of religion to justify or reinforce this. Some people let their insecurities eat them alive, allow them to define who they are, and simply live as a prisoner to them. The prideful intellectual uses knowledge and his own understanding to accomplish an even keel.
They have a gift, that much is true. They see things differently than most people. But their gift gives them potential to be a hero or villain above the rest or to themselves. There are so many people in this world that overachieve because they are afraid, just like the rest of us. They use their knowledge to defend their prejudices. They disagree for the sake of disagreeing. They are noble in their own minds, and people are pitted against them because they are simple-minded and they do not understand the greater weight of things. But like even the most simple-minded man, their pride comes from a source of pain and insecurity. They are shrewed listeners who pick apart every word you speak, argue semantics, play the Devil's advocate at every angle, and run from most things requiring emotional investment. Often times that source of pain comes from moment when they may have had faith in something or someone that let down their expectations. Prodding around long enough, you can find it. It's the subject that makes them the most angry to discuss.
But don't ever expect to beat this person out in a debate or argument. They are extremely well thought out and have high thick walls reinforced by shelves and shelves of books and dissertations. They will set traps for you to fall into. They enjoy argument as an opportunity to bolster their confidence in what they know.
I have a hard time with this character because I am not quick and witty. I am an easy target because though I might be intelligent, I don't have much skill in debate. I am an influencer and an idea man. But this character cannot be influenced and takes pride in picking apart ideas. Sometimes to me it seems as if they are searching for Truth like it was the Fountain of Youth. But Truth can be grabbed as easily as the arm of God. It is not provable by scientific or philosophic knowledge. In fact, the only thing that these kinds of knowledge can prove is what truth might not be, and that path is endless. These types of knowledge are not reserved for spiritual enlightenment, but for understanding the physical and potential world that we live in. If that is what your hope is vested in, then it is only as valuable as the days you live out, which have not been promised to you by God or science. It is then hopeless, and hopelessness seems to be the Prideful Intellectual's peace. It becomes the one thing that stays consistent throughout life.
I am scared by this person the most perhaps because I can see some of my own tendencies in them. Perhaps it is because I am capable of sympathizing with their pessimism that we both refer to as being "realistic". Regardless, my frustration has no end, and I feel that this is something that I must deal with internally.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
New Computer New Things
I just got a mac book today. I don't know if I have mentioned why yet, but a lot has happened since I last wrote, even though it wasn't that long ago.
I got a call last Friday while I was working, a rather unexpected surprise. It was the Road Manager for the Newsboys, offering me the Stage Manager position for the spring tour. The only catch was that they were leaving next Thursday (the day after tomorrow). So I made a few phone calls and started planning. How was I going to pick up everything and start a new life in a week? (Sound familiar?)
I put in my two weeks notice at work and sold my computer to my parents so I could afford a more mobile one (this one). I made all sorts of preparations and told all sorts of people who were all very excited for me. I was excited for me. I felt like I was entrusted with something beyond what anyone would ever give me credit for being able to accomplish on my own. I felt special, recognized, important, and confident.
We were to have a meeting Monday night to go over all of the details. Monday came and I got nervous, so I called them to see what was up. That's when they pulled the rug out from under me. I was let down pretty hard. I felt the opposite of all of those things I felt before.
But I have good friends who are supportive. Paul spent a good amount of time with me encouraging me and helping me get through my frustration. It ended up being a good night. I felt like I went to bed with closure.
I have decided to still leave my current company to pursue touring. I want to because I felt the passion in me come alive. Paul was right last night when he said that this city will try to kill your joy and your excitement because you're dealing in a business that everyone on the outside thinks is amazing, and for that reason alone, you can't show any excitement or you're just as star-struck as the rest of them. I think that's true, and I think I convinced myself, or allowed myself to be convinced that what I was doing wasn't amazing. This whole ordeal woke me up from that, and I want to start over and try again while I'm still young enough to make a few mistakes. So that's what I'll do. I'll keep on trying.
Peace and love.
I got a call last Friday while I was working, a rather unexpected surprise. It was the Road Manager for the Newsboys, offering me the Stage Manager position for the spring tour. The only catch was that they were leaving next Thursday (the day after tomorrow). So I made a few phone calls and started planning. How was I going to pick up everything and start a new life in a week? (Sound familiar?)
I put in my two weeks notice at work and sold my computer to my parents so I could afford a more mobile one (this one). I made all sorts of preparations and told all sorts of people who were all very excited for me. I was excited for me. I felt like I was entrusted with something beyond what anyone would ever give me credit for being able to accomplish on my own. I felt special, recognized, important, and confident.
We were to have a meeting Monday night to go over all of the details. Monday came and I got nervous, so I called them to see what was up. That's when they pulled the rug out from under me. I was let down pretty hard. I felt the opposite of all of those things I felt before.
But I have good friends who are supportive. Paul spent a good amount of time with me encouraging me and helping me get through my frustration. It ended up being a good night. I felt like I went to bed with closure.
I have decided to still leave my current company to pursue touring. I want to because I felt the passion in me come alive. Paul was right last night when he said that this city will try to kill your joy and your excitement because you're dealing in a business that everyone on the outside thinks is amazing, and for that reason alone, you can't show any excitement or you're just as star-struck as the rest of them. I think that's true, and I think I convinced myself, or allowed myself to be convinced that what I was doing wasn't amazing. This whole ordeal woke me up from that, and I want to start over and try again while I'm still young enough to make a few mistakes. So that's what I'll do. I'll keep on trying.
Peace and love.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Exciting News for Tomorrow
I have some pretty exciting news, but I don't want to say anything right now, not until I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is actually happening. I mean it really feels too good to be true, but that's all I can say for now. I have a lot to get done in a very short amount of time though, some of which is exciting, some of which isn't so exciting. I made a list to give myself a visual reminder of what I need to stay on top of, but I also can't neglect my relationships right now. It's going to be one of those times where I feel spread too thin, but I've got to do my best and hope that people can understand.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Tornado o o o
There was a tornado tonight. I love, or appreciate, violent weather. I know that's probably because it hasn't ever ripped my life apart, but I just find it fascinating. It's a lot like God. It's an extraordinary display of power, which can be enjoyed, but never taken lightly.
My back also hurts a lot and has for the past several days. That is all.
My back also hurts a lot and has for the past several days. That is all.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Simple Pleasure vs the Ideal
Today was a good day if only for the sunset I got to see on the drive home from work. I'm learning to smile even when things aren't very funny because sometimes if you force yourself to smile, you might realize something to be grateful for.
I find that in my journals one thing is consistent. I speak as if I'm going through a time of trial, and if I just endure long enough, things will get better. The greener grass is on the other side of the mountain. Quite honestly, it's a lie. The greener grass is here, but so is the garbage. It's not going to get better, and it won't really get worse. It's the same, all the way through. I think the idea that it will get better is the reason it hasn't yet. I'm waiting for something to happen, but all of the things that are happening, I don't recognize or appreciate. All of the ideals are killing me.
I find that in my journals one thing is consistent. I speak as if I'm going through a time of trial, and if I just endure long enough, things will get better. The greener grass is on the other side of the mountain. Quite honestly, it's a lie. The greener grass is here, but so is the garbage. It's not going to get better, and it won't really get worse. It's the same, all the way through. I think the idea that it will get better is the reason it hasn't yet. I'm waiting for something to happen, but all of the things that are happening, I don't recognize or appreciate. All of the ideals are killing me.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Super Bowl Hopping
I've had a great weekend. So far I've written two new songs and I've come out of my shell all together. I'm going party hopping tonight with Paul with all sorts of super bowl parties, so the night holds promise. I've got an itch right now to be progressive. We'll see where that leads me.
Peace and love
Peace and love
Saturday, February 2, 2008
The Best of My Ability
I've said it many times. Happiness is perspective. The difference is what you decide to look at, and I always seem to look at the negative. Sometimes I just want to start over, to pick my life up and change everything in one night. To leave everything behind without a trace. This life isn't that convenient though. We have to deal with the good and the bad, and there's no way out of it. The best thing we can do is let go of that which we have no control over, and focus on what it is that we have going for us.
Did I control my destiny to get to this place? No. I merely made the best decisions based upon what I knew of myself and what I was offered. Were all of those decisions good ones? No way! But they brought me to this place. I've lived my life under the heavy burden that I have to make all of the right decisions or God will be disappointed in me. I don't believe that anymore and I won't stand for others trying to force that on me anymore either. No man can afford to live his life under that kind of obligation. We do not know all, see all, or understand all. Each man does right to the best of his ability, and though that might not be correct all of the time, I think God understands that about us which is why His grace doesn't cost anything.
Did I control my destiny to get to this place? No. I merely made the best decisions based upon what I knew of myself and what I was offered. Were all of those decisions good ones? No way! But they brought me to this place. I've lived my life under the heavy burden that I have to make all of the right decisions or God will be disappointed in me. I don't believe that anymore and I won't stand for others trying to force that on me anymore either. No man can afford to live his life under that kind of obligation. We do not know all, see all, or understand all. Each man does right to the best of his ability, and though that might not be correct all of the time, I think God understands that about us which is why His grace doesn't cost anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
