I'm here at work writing because I don't have internet at my new place. I'm still working on getting out of the basement and hopefully will have accomplished the majority of that today. I don't like to have to keep going back there.
I'm getting the new bed this weekend which will be fantastic, but that being said, I need to really bump up my efforts on THROWING CRAP AWAY! I don't have much floor space in my room right now and I'm running out of time.
Weeman and Tara's wedding is this coming weekend. This marks the kickoff season for several weddings that I will either be in or at least attending. I think weddings are fun, especially being close friends with most of the people getting married. Food is also a plus. I love wedding food. Planning weddings sucks though. I feel sorry for those involved in wedding plans.
Yesterday I got a muffler kiss from my motorcycle on my leg. I have a huge blister the size of a silver dollar right on the inner side of my right lower calf. It's pretty gross. I think it will scar, but hopefully not all bubbled up like that. I should expect such things when I go riding in my short-shorts. Other than the risk of burning and road rash, it can be a safety plus though. Think about it. Seeing my angel-white thighs flashing through traffic would be like staring into the sun. I wouldn't even have to use my high-beams. At any rate, remember: Never dismount the bike on the right side! (It actually does look like a kiss mark too... Like some vicious woman sucked an enormous hickey into my leg).
Just got back into the gym again. It's been over a week and I was starting to feel it. I'm a little stiff today, but I'm going back. I got more "gettin big" to do.
But life is good in general right now. My new living space is really inspiring and quiet. I have a lot of new ideas floating around, work is steady, money is decent, and... well... I mean things are just good. My emotional well-being is incredibly balanced right now which for many of you might be hard to believe, but it's true. Maybe I'm growing up! Wouldn't THAT be exciting?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Home in NC (Drafted Last Weekend)
Being in NC always provides a time for me to focus on the practicality of where I am and what I'm doing. I get really fueled up to change the world when I'm here, but I have to be careful and remember the reality of where I am and the purpose for why I am there at this moment. It's hard to understand sometimes that I have more time to accomplish my dreams than I give myself credit for. I do think that I'm undershooting myself right now. I have a lot of great potential, but I am comfortable right now. Why change? But I don't believe that God will allow me to stay comfortable with where I am. I'm learning. I can attest to that because of the immense sensation of pain that I just came out of. I know a lot more about myself now and I am more capable of handling what it is that the future may hold. But patience is a virtue.
I will enjoy the time I have with my friends and family, but I will also be preparing for the new season of my life that is at hand. Things are liable to change quickly.
I will enjoy the time I have with my friends and family, but I will also be preparing for the new season of my life that is at hand. Things are liable to change quickly.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Last Night in the Basement
This is the last night I will spend in this room. Paul just told me that it's like I'm closing a chapter of my life. A lot has happened in this one year. It will be good to have new walls around me, ones that don't carry memory or blue paint.
I actually can't vouch for the fact that the walls aren't blue in my new room. I haven't ever stepped foot in this house before. I don't really care. I know the price, and I know Catherine approves of it being that she will be living there with Matt when they are married. I just know that I'm moving in tomorrow morning and the rest is really unimportant to me. I am an adaptive person... I don't know if I'll get everything over there tomorrow. I'll mostly just worry about the big stuff and then maybe move the small stuff later. We'll see. I'm throwing a lot of stuff out too. I want to start over. I want a clean slate. I am going to reinvent myself as best as I can.
I feel like I've been changing a lot over the past few months. I know I've been hurting and I've done and said things that I regret. If I haven't pissed you off yet, I thank you for your patience. I have pissed off a lot of people. But I'm changing for the better, at least it feels that way. I am entering a new environment that I think will be beneficial to my direction.
I actually can't vouch for the fact that the walls aren't blue in my new room. I haven't ever stepped foot in this house before. I don't really care. I know the price, and I know Catherine approves of it being that she will be living there with Matt when they are married. I just know that I'm moving in tomorrow morning and the rest is really unimportant to me. I am an adaptive person... I don't know if I'll get everything over there tomorrow. I'll mostly just worry about the big stuff and then maybe move the small stuff later. We'll see. I'm throwing a lot of stuff out too. I want to start over. I want a clean slate. I am going to reinvent myself as best as I can.
I feel like I've been changing a lot over the past few months. I know I've been hurting and I've done and said things that I regret. If I haven't pissed you off yet, I thank you for your patience. I have pissed off a lot of people. But I'm changing for the better, at least it feels that way. I am entering a new environment that I think will be beneficial to my direction.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I'm That Type of Guy
I worked a 14 hour day today, so I'm a little tired right now. I'll be doing it again tomorrow, but that's okay. It really doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I still get a confined feeling every once-in-a-while, but it dissipates when there are objectives to be achieved.
Last night I took this test that shows what kind of person you are. Viking talks about being a type 4 a lot so I decided to take a look and see what all this "type" stuff is about. After taking the test it will score you in several different categories.
1: Reformer
2: Helper
3: Motivator
4: Romantic
5: Thinker
6: Skeptic
7: Enthusiast
8:Leader
9: Peace Maker
You're only supposed to look at your top three high scores, but I tied with four of them as my top scores. As a Motivator, a Romantic, and an Enthusiast, I scored a 5, and as a Helper I scored a 7. I didn't agree with it at first, but then I thought about it a lot today. This is the diagram. Look over it and see if you agree with what I'm about to say, shoot, take the test for yourself and leave a comment on your results if you want. I'd be interested to know.
After a good bit of thought, I think that I am a Helper (type 2) by nature. Looking back on my life and understanding how I deal with things, I can definitely see that. The word "manipulative" jumped out at me. I also think that my sense of guild plays into this, and my love language is definitely words of affirmation that I need on a regular basis. I fantasize about leaving my life behind to go and help people who would truly want my help. I function well in widespread crisis, specifically medical emergencies. I want to be helpful and I know that being calm is the best way. I try and give advice because I want to help. I worry a lot about how other people are feeling. A lot of that is how I am, and I can accept that.
Being a Motivator (type 3) mostly comes into play in work related environments. I prefer working alone, I look for the most efficient ways to do things, and I tend to get very frustrated when working with people who aren't efficient. I am upbeat at times, and I can balance a lot of different activities on my plate. I like objective criticism as long as it is gentle. This type compliments being a Helper in my opinion.
Being an Enthusiast (type 7)... I would say that I'm more of this than Motivator. I'd almost say that I'm more of this than I am of a Helper, but you can decide that for yourself. This compliments the other two well also. Story telling, adventures, roaming off on my own for the sake of the experience, getting lost in my plans ideals and fantasies, not being able to specialize, feeling confined in one to one relationships... You don't have to tell me about this type. This is the essence of who I am most of the time. I do feel confined by lots of things. I feel like I was made for something more than what I have achieved, so I keep the goal above my head at all times. Being a motivator helps me get there, and being a helper keeps me balanced.
Being a Romantic (type 4) is what throws a stick in my spokes. This is what gives me a duality and prevents me from faster progress. I am an introspect. I don't ride the progressive extrovert train for too long before I become enveloped in myself. I tend to be an unhealthy romantic which is what makes this all a bad blend. The dark moods, the guilt, projecting emotions onto other people... all of that gets tiresome, but I cannot deny that about myself. It is a part of who I am. I just want to be a more healthy romantic. I could see the benefit in that.
This all has given me a lot of interesting things to think about. I want to know myself because I think that the more you know yourself, the less volatile and destructive you become. It's all a part of that discipline I was talking about. But the danger rests in becoming so introspective that you get lost in yourself. I believe that the soul of man is eternal. Where it spends eternity is up to you and the Maker, but being that it is an eternal soul, I don't believe that a lifetime is enough to get to the bottom of it. Digging too deep can lead to confusion and not knowing how to get out of a hole deeper than you might have wanted to dig. I am not in it for that journey, but for the journey of self contentment in the one life that I have. Eternity will continue to yield the secrets of our souls, I think. So... no hurry and no worry.
Last night I took this test that shows what kind of person you are. Viking talks about being a type 4 a lot so I decided to take a look and see what all this "type" stuff is about. After taking the test it will score you in several different categories.
1: Reformer
2: Helper
3: Motivator
4: Romantic
5: Thinker
6: Skeptic
7: Enthusiast
8:Leader
9: Peace Maker
You're only supposed to look at your top three high scores, but I tied with four of them as my top scores. As a Motivator, a Romantic, and an Enthusiast, I scored a 5, and as a Helper I scored a 7. I didn't agree with it at first, but then I thought about it a lot today. This is the diagram. Look over it and see if you agree with what I'm about to say, shoot, take the test for yourself and leave a comment on your results if you want. I'd be interested to know.
After a good bit of thought, I think that I am a Helper (type 2) by nature. Looking back on my life and understanding how I deal with things, I can definitely see that. The word "manipulative" jumped out at me. I also think that my sense of guild plays into this, and my love language is definitely words of affirmation that I need on a regular basis. I fantasize about leaving my life behind to go and help people who would truly want my help. I function well in widespread crisis, specifically medical emergencies. I want to be helpful and I know that being calm is the best way. I try and give advice because I want to help. I worry a lot about how other people are feeling. A lot of that is how I am, and I can accept that.
Being a Motivator (type 3) mostly comes into play in work related environments. I prefer working alone, I look for the most efficient ways to do things, and I tend to get very frustrated when working with people who aren't efficient. I am upbeat at times, and I can balance a lot of different activities on my plate. I like objective criticism as long as it is gentle. This type compliments being a Helper in my opinion.
Being an Enthusiast (type 7)... I would say that I'm more of this than Motivator. I'd almost say that I'm more of this than I am of a Helper, but you can decide that for yourself. This compliments the other two well also. Story telling, adventures, roaming off on my own for the sake of the experience, getting lost in my plans ideals and fantasies, not being able to specialize, feeling confined in one to one relationships... You don't have to tell me about this type. This is the essence of who I am most of the time. I do feel confined by lots of things. I feel like I was made for something more than what I have achieved, so I keep the goal above my head at all times. Being a motivator helps me get there, and being a helper keeps me balanced.
Being a Romantic (type 4) is what throws a stick in my spokes. This is what gives me a duality and prevents me from faster progress. I am an introspect. I don't ride the progressive extrovert train for too long before I become enveloped in myself. I tend to be an unhealthy romantic which is what makes this all a bad blend. The dark moods, the guilt, projecting emotions onto other people... all of that gets tiresome, but I cannot deny that about myself. It is a part of who I am. I just want to be a more healthy romantic. I could see the benefit in that.
This all has given me a lot of interesting things to think about. I want to know myself because I think that the more you know yourself, the less volatile and destructive you become. It's all a part of that discipline I was talking about. But the danger rests in becoming so introspective that you get lost in yourself. I believe that the soul of man is eternal. Where it spends eternity is up to you and the Maker, but being that it is an eternal soul, I don't believe that a lifetime is enough to get to the bottom of it. Digging too deep can lead to confusion and not knowing how to get out of a hole deeper than you might have wanted to dig. I am not in it for that journey, but for the journey of self contentment in the one life that I have. Eternity will continue to yield the secrets of our souls, I think. So... no hurry and no worry.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Maybe Not So New After All
I've been on a writing kick. I've written several journals in a row and they just keep on coming. That's not to say that I have anything of great importance to say, but more to say... that I just feel like saying something.
I'm learning how to combat my thoughts during the day. I'm praying more. If I start to sway or tilt in the direction of negative thinking I just start to pray. I know God isn't going to let me try and lift this on my own. I'm stubborn like that. I'll definitely try if He doesn't stop me. But the deeper I go with this, the more I realize how dark my thoughts are and how I've just let them have free reign over my life for so long. Learning to live in the freedom of Christ is a valuable lesson and it teaches us that the law has no place in our lives. But following the law and having discipline are two different things. Discipline harnesses our wisdom. You can be wise and not really use the wisdom. That's called being lazy. But disciplining yourself to remember your wisdom is important because surprisingly wisdom and freedom can co-exist.
Today I was reminded of the time I tried to kill myself when I was in the third grade. Don't get super freaked out or anything. I wasn't contemplating it again. Work isn't that bad. It just popped in there all of a sudden like an "Oh yeah, I remember that. What was I thinking?" kind of thought. I haven't really told many people about that, partly because I never really figured it out. What gets into a third-grader's mind to inspire suicide? My life was good, nothing really bad happened to me that day, but I had a darkness creep over me that has never sense been rivaled. It was the feeling of complete loneliness, like no one cared anymore and that I was doomed to face the rest of my life in a cold dark place. Everything seemed fake, people's happiness, compliments, everything. I walked outside when it was just my brother and sister and I home. My brother and sister were old enough at the time to watch me without adult supervision, but they didn't watch me closely. Why would they? I never go into serious trouble as a kid. But I walked outside and I made a noose (or a knot. I don't really think I knew how to tie a noose when I was in the third grade). I took it and I flung it over a dogwood tree hanging over the driveway and I put it around my neck. I tightened it up and I watched cars pass by on the road. None of them stopped or were concerned. I started to cry. For some reason I felt like death would have been such a relief. Then, my mom pulled into the driveway. She saw what was going on. I don't think it was too hard to decipher. She responded with anger at first. She grabbed me, took the noose off of my neck and drug me inside the house. She took me to the bathroom and threw me in the shower with my cloths on and she turned on the cold water. Then she slammed the door and went hunting for my brother and sister. I heard a lot of yelling and then I realized as the cold water was hitting me in the face what I had been doing. I felt so ashamed. I cried even more.
I would let it be known that no matter how dark life seems, I would never try to hurt myself again. I don't know what got into me that day. It was like I was gripped around the throat.
On a brighter note, I wrote a new song today. I don't have any means to record it right now, but when I do... I will. Also, I have three days until I move... and I haven't packed anything yet. I mean most of my stuff is confined to one room, so it shouldn't be too big of an ordeal, but that'll all happen Saturday. Right now I'm enjoying my evenings. I go work out and then I do something else... like writing music or hanging out with friends. Going to bed now. Peace.
I'm learning how to combat my thoughts during the day. I'm praying more. If I start to sway or tilt in the direction of negative thinking I just start to pray. I know God isn't going to let me try and lift this on my own. I'm stubborn like that. I'll definitely try if He doesn't stop me. But the deeper I go with this, the more I realize how dark my thoughts are and how I've just let them have free reign over my life for so long. Learning to live in the freedom of Christ is a valuable lesson and it teaches us that the law has no place in our lives. But following the law and having discipline are two different things. Discipline harnesses our wisdom. You can be wise and not really use the wisdom. That's called being lazy. But disciplining yourself to remember your wisdom is important because surprisingly wisdom and freedom can co-exist.
Today I was reminded of the time I tried to kill myself when I was in the third grade. Don't get super freaked out or anything. I wasn't contemplating it again. Work isn't that bad. It just popped in there all of a sudden like an "Oh yeah, I remember that. What was I thinking?" kind of thought. I haven't really told many people about that, partly because I never really figured it out. What gets into a third-grader's mind to inspire suicide? My life was good, nothing really bad happened to me that day, but I had a darkness creep over me that has never sense been rivaled. It was the feeling of complete loneliness, like no one cared anymore and that I was doomed to face the rest of my life in a cold dark place. Everything seemed fake, people's happiness, compliments, everything. I walked outside when it was just my brother and sister and I home. My brother and sister were old enough at the time to watch me without adult supervision, but they didn't watch me closely. Why would they? I never go into serious trouble as a kid. But I walked outside and I made a noose (or a knot. I don't really think I knew how to tie a noose when I was in the third grade). I took it and I flung it over a dogwood tree hanging over the driveway and I put it around my neck. I tightened it up and I watched cars pass by on the road. None of them stopped or were concerned. I started to cry. For some reason I felt like death would have been such a relief. Then, my mom pulled into the driveway. She saw what was going on. I don't think it was too hard to decipher. She responded with anger at first. She grabbed me, took the noose off of my neck and drug me inside the house. She took me to the bathroom and threw me in the shower with my cloths on and she turned on the cold water. Then she slammed the door and went hunting for my brother and sister. I heard a lot of yelling and then I realized as the cold water was hitting me in the face what I had been doing. I felt so ashamed. I cried even more.
I would let it be known that no matter how dark life seems, I would never try to hurt myself again. I don't know what got into me that day. It was like I was gripped around the throat.
On a brighter note, I wrote a new song today. I don't have any means to record it right now, but when I do... I will. Also, I have three days until I move... and I haven't packed anything yet. I mean most of my stuff is confined to one room, so it shouldn't be too big of an ordeal, but that'll all happen Saturday. Right now I'm enjoying my evenings. I go work out and then I do something else... like writing music or hanging out with friends. Going to bed now. Peace.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Good Confrontation
I'm still on a tired kick. I don't think I have mono, but whatever. My body is just dealing with the new season... A lot like my car come to think of it.
I had garlic bread pizza for dinner. Turns out when they say garlic bread, they actually mean that they mixed some bread in with the garlic. I need to start cooking again, but I'm lazy right now and I rather enjoy it.
The gym gets crowded at six. I did a good bit of standing in line waiting for equipment to open up today. Perhaps this is good as I have the tendency to overwork myself when I feel the way I've been feeling lately. I don't understand the sudden crowd. All the college kids went home, so that means that Nashville is supposed to be less crowded. Not so. I still had a good workout though. I was alone, but when I work out, I really don't tend to dwell on negative things. I mostly just concentrate on kicking my own ass.
I was confrontational at work today which ended up being a good thing. I have no right to be angry with someone if I won't even be fair enough to take that anger to them so that they can verify its validity. Turns out the guy ended up respecting me a little more for the rest of the day which was great.
I move very soon. It will be good to get out of this basement. I want a yard again. I want a place untouched by memory. It'll be a small reinvention of myself, but that's all I need. I just want to feel creative again.
I had garlic bread pizza for dinner. Turns out when they say garlic bread, they actually mean that they mixed some bread in with the garlic. I need to start cooking again, but I'm lazy right now and I rather enjoy it.
The gym gets crowded at six. I did a good bit of standing in line waiting for equipment to open up today. Perhaps this is good as I have the tendency to overwork myself when I feel the way I've been feeling lately. I don't understand the sudden crowd. All the college kids went home, so that means that Nashville is supposed to be less crowded. Not so. I still had a good workout though. I was alone, but when I work out, I really don't tend to dwell on negative things. I mostly just concentrate on kicking my own ass.
I was confrontational at work today which ended up being a good thing. I have no right to be angry with someone if I won't even be fair enough to take that anger to them so that they can verify its validity. Turns out the guy ended up respecting me a little more for the rest of the day which was great.
I move very soon. It will be good to get out of this basement. I want a yard again. I want a place untouched by memory. It'll be a small reinvention of myself, but that's all I need. I just want to feel creative again.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Changing the Subject
It took a considerable amount of focus for me to not grumble at work today. Funny how it takes someone to point something out to us before we realize how immersed in it we are. I think complaining destroys character faster than any one thing, and I tend to complain a lot, especially on this, my online journal.
Someone close to me told me recently that this journal was silly. I deserved the slam for sure because I used this journal as a means to hurt them. The words that were said weren't very strong, and they didn't need to be. When someone never uses strong words towards you, and then all of the sudden they do, it doesn't matter what kind of words are used to express their frustration or anger. The tone behind the words is what does the cutting, and it cuts deep.
Should I stop writing? What is the point of this? I never even go back and read any of what I write when I'm done. It just seems like it does more harm than good, mostly... because I use it to do more harm than good. I don't even practice good writing skill when I journal. Frustration and confusion abound.
I get so tired of who I am sometimes. I get so tired of the situations I end up in, and by my own hand at that. I get so tired of wrestling with my failures every day if I get too quiet or I am left alone. But all in all, it's been a long time since I've felt like this. The only reason I feel like I'm not going insane is because the last time this happened to me... well... I pulled out of it. It took five damn years, but I pulled out of it
So once again, I'm complaining. Let's change the subject.
I'm listening to a band called Hem right now. I am so in love with this woman's voice. The album is Eveningland, but Rabbit Songs is a good one too. Between her and the girl from the Weepies... well I just get confused as to which one I would have sing me to sleep at night if I had three wishes. The other two wishes would probably be a fully furnished house with hardwood floors on the outer banks of NC and then the ability to transport to any part of the world at any time.
Here's some good news, at least for me. I'm getting a bed. I'm getting a real-life double sized bed. I'm also getting it for $100. I'm happy about that because I haven't had a reasonable bed since I moved out of my parents house when I was 19. Okay, so the font just changed and I can't ... wait... never mind, it changed back. Odd. But yeah, I'm at least thankful that I've had something to sleep on for the better part of this year. Last year I didn't have anything comparable to a bed period. Also speaking of last year, Brown Recluse spiders... I killed the first one of this season today. Where was it? Well, a bunch of us, and by us I mean Andy and friends along with Paul, Matt, and Viking, went on an evening walk. When we got back, I staggered about my keys trying to find the right one to unlock the door in the dark. I eventually got the door open and we all walked in except for Paul.
"Did any of you guys see this?", He said pointing to an object in the doorway. "Is that a brown recluse?"
"Nah, they don't make webs" I said, thinking that it had a web in the doorway. I got closer and realized that there was no web, it was just hanging at eye level right in the middle of the door. "Yep, that's a brown recluse. Dammit." I killed it. They're back for the warm season. I should have known better when I saw all of the other bugs that have been hanging around lately begin to disappear. Well... I'm out of here in a few days anyways. I should be alright. Doesn't mean my skin feels any less creepy-crawly.
Sleepy time.
Someone close to me told me recently that this journal was silly. I deserved the slam for sure because I used this journal as a means to hurt them. The words that were said weren't very strong, and they didn't need to be. When someone never uses strong words towards you, and then all of the sudden they do, it doesn't matter what kind of words are used to express their frustration or anger. The tone behind the words is what does the cutting, and it cuts deep.
Should I stop writing? What is the point of this? I never even go back and read any of what I write when I'm done. It just seems like it does more harm than good, mostly... because I use it to do more harm than good. I don't even practice good writing skill when I journal. Frustration and confusion abound.
I get so tired of who I am sometimes. I get so tired of the situations I end up in, and by my own hand at that. I get so tired of wrestling with my failures every day if I get too quiet or I am left alone. But all in all, it's been a long time since I've felt like this. The only reason I feel like I'm not going insane is because the last time this happened to me... well... I pulled out of it. It took five damn years, but I pulled out of it
So once again, I'm complaining. Let's change the subject.
I'm listening to a band called Hem right now. I am so in love with this woman's voice. The album is Eveningland, but Rabbit Songs is a good one too. Between her and the girl from the Weepies... well I just get confused as to which one I would have sing me to sleep at night if I had three wishes. The other two wishes would probably be a fully furnished house with hardwood floors on the outer banks of NC and then the ability to transport to any part of the world at any time.
Here's some good news, at least for me. I'm getting a bed. I'm getting a real-life double sized bed. I'm also getting it for $100. I'm happy about that because I haven't had a reasonable bed since I moved out of my parents house when I was 19. Okay, so the font just changed and I can't ... wait... never mind, it changed back. Odd. But yeah, I'm at least thankful that I've had something to sleep on for the better part of this year. Last year I didn't have anything comparable to a bed period. Also speaking of last year, Brown Recluse spiders... I killed the first one of this season today. Where was it? Well, a bunch of us, and by us I mean Andy and friends along with Paul, Matt, and Viking, went on an evening walk. When we got back, I staggered about my keys trying to find the right one to unlock the door in the dark. I eventually got the door open and we all walked in except for Paul.
"Did any of you guys see this?", He said pointing to an object in the doorway. "Is that a brown recluse?"
"Nah, they don't make webs" I said, thinking that it had a web in the doorway. I got closer and realized that there was no web, it was just hanging at eye level right in the middle of the door. "Yep, that's a brown recluse. Dammit." I killed it. They're back for the warm season. I should have known better when I saw all of the other bugs that have been hanging around lately begin to disappear. Well... I'm out of here in a few days anyways. I should be alright. Doesn't mean my skin feels any less creepy-crawly.
Sleepy time.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Don't Give Up on Me
I was so tired this weekend, and I still am. I don't know why my body needed to relax so much, but I'll trust it I suppose. I hope I can have a good attitude about work tomorrow. Sometimes it is hard for me to, especially when I had such a good night the day before. My friends from Asheville are here, and they get along great with my friends from here. Makes me feel kinda sane, like I'm consistent and not as screwed up as I feel like I am sometimes.
I talked with a friend at church today. He's a touring artist with a pretty solid career, and I think it's only going to get bigger. I wanted him to know what a blessing one of his songs has been to me. It's from an album coming out this fall, and the name of the song is "Don't Give Up on Me". It returns me to a place of humble reality. He wrote it for his wife, and it talks about how he loves her, but sometimes it's not the best that he can, and he pleads with her not to give up on him because he won't give up on her. Well, I'm not married, but I find it to be so true with my relationship with God. My prayer is a pleading with Him not to give up on me. Lots of people have in my life. Some haven't, but I feel like they would if they knew the depths of my heart. That gets pretty intimidating when talking about God. He does know the depths of my heart. I tend to destroy love in fits of irrational rage in my life. Entire relationships that have taken years to grow I can sacrifice in a moment's notice because I confuse anger with not caring anymore, and I confuse anger with truth. King David was angry, which is why God did not allow him to build the Temple. God said he was too much of a warrior.
But my friend was compassionate to me even though I never told him the details of my hurting. I think someone else did. But he told me that he understood why I still was hurting. He said that lots of people wouldn't, but he did. I could tell he had been in a similar place. He holds relationship in the highest light of his life, but unlike me, he doesn't feel like that leaves him vulnerable. He said that for guys like us it is normal, and we shouldn't try to hide it. He said that pain was actually the source of his poetry and his ministry. Beauty becomes unmistakable in the midst of pain. I believe that. It was good to look someone in the eye and know that they understood me. Like having consistent friendships, it made me feel normal. Sometimes I need to feel normal.
I talked with a friend at church today. He's a touring artist with a pretty solid career, and I think it's only going to get bigger. I wanted him to know what a blessing one of his songs has been to me. It's from an album coming out this fall, and the name of the song is "Don't Give Up on Me". It returns me to a place of humble reality. He wrote it for his wife, and it talks about how he loves her, but sometimes it's not the best that he can, and he pleads with her not to give up on him because he won't give up on her. Well, I'm not married, but I find it to be so true with my relationship with God. My prayer is a pleading with Him not to give up on me. Lots of people have in my life. Some haven't, but I feel like they would if they knew the depths of my heart. That gets pretty intimidating when talking about God. He does know the depths of my heart. I tend to destroy love in fits of irrational rage in my life. Entire relationships that have taken years to grow I can sacrifice in a moment's notice because I confuse anger with not caring anymore, and I confuse anger with truth. King David was angry, which is why God did not allow him to build the Temple. God said he was too much of a warrior.
But my friend was compassionate to me even though I never told him the details of my hurting. I think someone else did. But he told me that he understood why I still was hurting. He said that lots of people wouldn't, but he did. I could tell he had been in a similar place. He holds relationship in the highest light of his life, but unlike me, he doesn't feel like that leaves him vulnerable. He said that for guys like us it is normal, and we shouldn't try to hide it. He said that pain was actually the source of his poetry and his ministry. Beauty becomes unmistakable in the midst of pain. I believe that. It was good to look someone in the eye and know that they understood me. Like having consistent friendships, it made me feel normal. Sometimes I need to feel normal.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Sat Her Dae
I was lazy today. I didn't go to the gym, didn't really do any of the things I should have done. I needed to be lazy for a Saturday. I did go see Natalie graduate, I did get outside and I took a nap at the park. I also rode my motorcycle out into the country. That all came before a nice long nap and then a cookout. But all in all, a pretty lazy day.
I just was outside sitting in a pretty rough storm blowing over head. I've always loved storms, and in each of the places I've lived, I can always remember one in my mind that sticks out. The one that I'll always remember from here happened last year just shortly after I graduated from Belmont. It wasn't particularly bad. It was mostly just rain, but it happened at a very precise time, making me think that perhaps this rain had significant meaning to me and my life. Now my deeper thoughts on that I shall keep private. It was special though, that much is true.
My dreams have been lighter for the past few days. They can still be pretty vivid, but they have been replaced in nature by something good instead of something painful. I look forward to going to sleep now because there is a chance that the dream will come again. It makes me wake up in a good mood even thought it is completely off base. I have to remind myself that the dream isn't at all based on the reality of the situation of my life, but I enjoy it none-the-less.
I'm fading fast. Later
I just was outside sitting in a pretty rough storm blowing over head. I've always loved storms, and in each of the places I've lived, I can always remember one in my mind that sticks out. The one that I'll always remember from here happened last year just shortly after I graduated from Belmont. It wasn't particularly bad. It was mostly just rain, but it happened at a very precise time, making me think that perhaps this rain had significant meaning to me and my life. Now my deeper thoughts on that I shall keep private. It was special though, that much is true.
My dreams have been lighter for the past few days. They can still be pretty vivid, but they have been replaced in nature by something good instead of something painful. I look forward to going to sleep now because there is a chance that the dream will come again. It makes me wake up in a good mood even thought it is completely off base. I have to remind myself that the dream isn't at all based on the reality of the situation of my life, but I enjoy it none-the-less.
I'm fading fast. Later
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The First Video Post
I wrote earlier today, and I'm writing again. I feel brimming with a new understanding, like I just woke up and everything makes amazing sense. I am discouraged at how easily I hurt the ones closest to me. I get even more discouraged at how I have used this journal to do it. I say things here because I don't feel like it has any consequence. I forget sometimes that it's public and I forget sometimes that just because I think it, doesn't mean that it's legitamate. Sometimes it takes someone to be verbally upset with me in order for me to realize that I'm wrong, but I don't get that too often. At the very foundation of all of this, I should really be careful of the thoughts in my heart that I listen to, because a lot of the time they're just not true.
But a new perspective has hit me this week like a cement truck. It's a hopeful perspective that might just be the hand of God pulling me out of this hole I have dug for myself.
But a new perspective has hit me this week like a cement truck. It's a hopeful perspective that might just be the hand of God pulling me out of this hole I have dug for myself.
I've Been Hiding this for Too Long
Have we talked yet about how messed up I can be. Let me set a few things straight, if I may. I have hurt several people in my life based upon lies that I created in order to create footholds for me to use as a way to climb out of the shithole I dig for myself when I'm hurt. So here's the truth.
Becca was the first. I cared for her and I know she cared for me, but we were young, and I had no idea what a girlfriend was for at the time. She moved on, plain and simple. She didn't feel comfortable telling me all of her life's secrets because I was a judgmental ass back then. I thought smoking was evil. I thought drinking was evil. I don't talk to people who are like what I was back then now, so why would I be so surprised. But it didn't matter. I spread lies about her that tore her apart, and she was very gracious in retrospect. She's gone now, I don't know what she's doing, only by rumors. We don't do well around each other anymore, and to blame? Me.
Catherine came next. We were together for a short time, but I piled way too much emotional baggage on her. I was in a confused place in my life and she wasn't there to fill that void. No person could have filled that void. When she moved on and she told me exactly how she felt I was outraged. I felt abandoned and small. It was in complete harmony with who I was to take it out on her. It took me that long to know I had a problem. I said things about her that you wouldn't believe, all of which were complete lies. I laughed and made jokes and did whatever I could to make her hurt. I thought it would make me feel strong to see her in pain. She broke down and cried one night and all of my friends came to me. I was still proud. They sat me down and explained to me that I had a problem and I was resentful, of course. It wasn't until she was leaving for France the next year that I broke from that darkness. She came that day to Belmont to say goodbye to everyone, but I couldn't talk to her or look at her. Then, I was on the other side of campus and I began to run back. That's when it happened. I knew I was wrong and I felt such pain and sorrow for what I had done. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, to give her a hug, to tell her how I really felt. She was gone. She was already on the plane when I called her cell phone. Her sister answered and told me that. I had to wait a year in order to tell her face-to-face. How she managed to forgive me for all of that, I will never know. She did though. We're great friends now and I'm so happy to see her marry Matt. They are truly in deep deep love.
The most recent, and the closest of these women to my heart was Lindsay. She came to me nervous that night to tell me how she felt. She couldn't keep trying because she wasn't sure if there was anything there. I had a peace about it, I told her that it would be wise for us to step back then and that I was encouraged because of the peace that we both had about it. She gave me some of my stuff that was left over at her house, and then drove off. I cried later that night but I accepted the pain. I was surprised with myself. I went to her place again, as hard as it was, to say my last goodbye to her. She was already packed up and ready to leave. Her room was completely empty, and she was excited. I became filled with memory of what we used to share, and I knew it was gone. I was hurt, coiled up inside, but I wanted to be as strong as I could for her. She didn't deserve to have me break down in front of her. We said goodbye, and I never cried so hard in my life as I did on the way home, other than the time that Phill died. I cried harder then. But I couldn't believe that she was gone. It didn't take long though, for the pain to sneak in and whisper into my ear. I always listen. If I were to say these things I would feel justified, and I would feel better. She left, she was wrong, she wanted to hurt me, she treated me badly, she lied, she is the enemy. I wrote those words down right here and with a glare in my eye, blood boiling, hoping that everyone would join my side and feel sorry for me. But everyone knew better. They saw the way I treated Catherine, and they knew. I've been confronted on it, and now I know that I have hurt her. I destroy people and I am weak. I am a coward. Everything about our relationship was beautiful. She cared more deeply for me than any woman ever has, than any woman could ever be expected to. What is more, she put up with me in my worst. She toughed it out until she just didn't have the strength anymore, and she didn't want to hurt me, but I hurt her... without justification... to satisfy my own selfish needs. I objectified her and I will never feel peace about that.
I know God is capable of forgiving even the most evil men for their actions. I know He has forgiven me because I have not felt forsaken through all of this. He knows my heart and knows the root of my actions even when I don't. But to be forgiven by Lindsay for what I have done against her, I cannot expect that. She is human just like me, and not only that, I betrayed her in the deepest way possible. I knew how she felt and I lied to the world. I tore down her innocence, like a true coward, to protect myself.
I pray that the Lord teach me to be stronger than this. I don't ever want to see that side of myself again.
Talk. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Don't ever do what I have done.
Becca was the first. I cared for her and I know she cared for me, but we were young, and I had no idea what a girlfriend was for at the time. She moved on, plain and simple. She didn't feel comfortable telling me all of her life's secrets because I was a judgmental ass back then. I thought smoking was evil. I thought drinking was evil. I don't talk to people who are like what I was back then now, so why would I be so surprised. But it didn't matter. I spread lies about her that tore her apart, and she was very gracious in retrospect. She's gone now, I don't know what she's doing, only by rumors. We don't do well around each other anymore, and to blame? Me.
Catherine came next. We were together for a short time, but I piled way too much emotional baggage on her. I was in a confused place in my life and she wasn't there to fill that void. No person could have filled that void. When she moved on and she told me exactly how she felt I was outraged. I felt abandoned and small. It was in complete harmony with who I was to take it out on her. It took me that long to know I had a problem. I said things about her that you wouldn't believe, all of which were complete lies. I laughed and made jokes and did whatever I could to make her hurt. I thought it would make me feel strong to see her in pain. She broke down and cried one night and all of my friends came to me. I was still proud. They sat me down and explained to me that I had a problem and I was resentful, of course. It wasn't until she was leaving for France the next year that I broke from that darkness. She came that day to Belmont to say goodbye to everyone, but I couldn't talk to her or look at her. Then, I was on the other side of campus and I began to run back. That's when it happened. I knew I was wrong and I felt such pain and sorrow for what I had done. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, to give her a hug, to tell her how I really felt. She was gone. She was already on the plane when I called her cell phone. Her sister answered and told me that. I had to wait a year in order to tell her face-to-face. How she managed to forgive me for all of that, I will never know. She did though. We're great friends now and I'm so happy to see her marry Matt. They are truly in deep deep love.
The most recent, and the closest of these women to my heart was Lindsay. She came to me nervous that night to tell me how she felt. She couldn't keep trying because she wasn't sure if there was anything there. I had a peace about it, I told her that it would be wise for us to step back then and that I was encouraged because of the peace that we both had about it. She gave me some of my stuff that was left over at her house, and then drove off. I cried later that night but I accepted the pain. I was surprised with myself. I went to her place again, as hard as it was, to say my last goodbye to her. She was already packed up and ready to leave. Her room was completely empty, and she was excited. I became filled with memory of what we used to share, and I knew it was gone. I was hurt, coiled up inside, but I wanted to be as strong as I could for her. She didn't deserve to have me break down in front of her. We said goodbye, and I never cried so hard in my life as I did on the way home, other than the time that Phill died. I cried harder then. But I couldn't believe that she was gone. It didn't take long though, for the pain to sneak in and whisper into my ear. I always listen. If I were to say these things I would feel justified, and I would feel better. She left, she was wrong, she wanted to hurt me, she treated me badly, she lied, she is the enemy. I wrote those words down right here and with a glare in my eye, blood boiling, hoping that everyone would join my side and feel sorry for me. But everyone knew better. They saw the way I treated Catherine, and they knew. I've been confronted on it, and now I know that I have hurt her. I destroy people and I am weak. I am a coward. Everything about our relationship was beautiful. She cared more deeply for me than any woman ever has, than any woman could ever be expected to. What is more, she put up with me in my worst. She toughed it out until she just didn't have the strength anymore, and she didn't want to hurt me, but I hurt her... without justification... to satisfy my own selfish needs. I objectified her and I will never feel peace about that.
I know God is capable of forgiving even the most evil men for their actions. I know He has forgiven me because I have not felt forsaken through all of this. He knows my heart and knows the root of my actions even when I don't. But to be forgiven by Lindsay for what I have done against her, I cannot expect that. She is human just like me, and not only that, I betrayed her in the deepest way possible. I knew how she felt and I lied to the world. I tore down her innocence, like a true coward, to protect myself.
I pray that the Lord teach me to be stronger than this. I don't ever want to see that side of myself again.
Talk. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Don't ever do what I have done.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Hard Thoughts to Beat
It's Wednesday night. I can't get a hold of time right now. It's going too fast. The past two days just didn't seem to exist, and every time I wake up, it seems like it's night time, just before I'm supposed to go to bed.
I think the week is going fast because I'm burying a bit of hurt. I'm still really struggling with the absence of Lindsay. I go back and forth with myself about her and it just leaves me spent and dry. I miss her. I can say that honestly. I know I've said a lot in my anger, but I miss her. I miss what we had. But nothing can be done of that now. I think back to situations that were probably the deciding factor in our separation, and I feel that if I had only responded in a different way, maybe things would be different now, but they aren't. This is reality. She's not away on a long trip, she's gone.
Mitch and I were talking about that yesterday just before we started washing our bikes (which brought the rain I should add). From everything I told him about what I knew about Lindsay, how she hid so much of her problems from me and she expected me to drill them out of her, he said that she probably wasn't as at peace about it as she was trying to make me think she was. She probably is torn up about it too, but she's the kind of person that will never let it show to anyone. I have to take comfort in that because to think that it was meaningless to her really destroys me. Who knows, maybe that's what she wanted all along, for me to feel destroyed. But I can't think of it that way. I have to make my own reality.
On a more positive note, it's times like these where music gains a new meaning to me. I listen more to the words, to the feel of the song, and I relate to the emotion conveyed a great deal stronger than I would if everything were just fine in my life. I have always poured myself out through music, and that's what I'm doing now in my time of need.
On a more "every-day" note, I am moving into a new house next week. I have to box up my stuff here at some point, and I also have to meet the new landlord so he can approve of me. He seems to be a bit unstable. He told Catherine when they were alone that he had "a gun in his truck." If he pulls that with me, that's fine. I can take it. But to tell a young girl that, in my mind, sets me on edge to the point of I might say something if it comes up. That is inexcusable. Catherine is a nice sweet woman who doesn't have an intimidating bone in her body. But we'll see what happens. I am going to try hard not to have a preconceived notion about him, to try and understand where it is he's coming from. That's the best I can do.
Oh, this past weekend's CBC men's retreat to Asheville was great. I got to see my dad and brother and lots of friends. I needed to be there because I needed to get out of all of these memories and be with people who could see past all of that, people who weren't involved.
I felt some sense of direction, but I'm still a little hazy as to where I go from here. I could literally go anywhere. The motorcycle trip there and back was a little rough, and honestly I prepare myself spiritually and mentally for the worst whenever I get on my bike for that long, but I always remember how much more safe it is on the highway than on the city streets. People look out for me, and there is a lot more space for me to maneuver. I did lose my passenger hat at 80 mph though, and I was behind someone who had a blowout and who threw tire all over the place. Fortunately I missed it all. I was also able to meet up with some bikers for a while and we rode in formation which is a lot safer than riding alone. It was tiring though, so chances are I won't be doing that again any time soon.
So now it's down to facing another night of possible nightmares about Lindsay, another day of being bombarded by the good memories we had. I can't remember the bad all that well anymore. That's just the way my mind works. If only it could have been different. I really did love that girl.
Peace and love.
I think the week is going fast because I'm burying a bit of hurt. I'm still really struggling with the absence of Lindsay. I go back and forth with myself about her and it just leaves me spent and dry. I miss her. I can say that honestly. I know I've said a lot in my anger, but I miss her. I miss what we had. But nothing can be done of that now. I think back to situations that were probably the deciding factor in our separation, and I feel that if I had only responded in a different way, maybe things would be different now, but they aren't. This is reality. She's not away on a long trip, she's gone.
Mitch and I were talking about that yesterday just before we started washing our bikes (which brought the rain I should add). From everything I told him about what I knew about Lindsay, how she hid so much of her problems from me and she expected me to drill them out of her, he said that she probably wasn't as at peace about it as she was trying to make me think she was. She probably is torn up about it too, but she's the kind of person that will never let it show to anyone. I have to take comfort in that because to think that it was meaningless to her really destroys me. Who knows, maybe that's what she wanted all along, for me to feel destroyed. But I can't think of it that way. I have to make my own reality.
On a more positive note, it's times like these where music gains a new meaning to me. I listen more to the words, to the feel of the song, and I relate to the emotion conveyed a great deal stronger than I would if everything were just fine in my life. I have always poured myself out through music, and that's what I'm doing now in my time of need.
On a more "every-day" note, I am moving into a new house next week. I have to box up my stuff here at some point, and I also have to meet the new landlord so he can approve of me. He seems to be a bit unstable. He told Catherine when they were alone that he had "a gun in his truck." If he pulls that with me, that's fine. I can take it. But to tell a young girl that, in my mind, sets me on edge to the point of I might say something if it comes up. That is inexcusable. Catherine is a nice sweet woman who doesn't have an intimidating bone in her body. But we'll see what happens. I am going to try hard not to have a preconceived notion about him, to try and understand where it is he's coming from. That's the best I can do.
Oh, this past weekend's CBC men's retreat to Asheville was great. I got to see my dad and brother and lots of friends. I needed to be there because I needed to get out of all of these memories and be with people who could see past all of that, people who weren't involved.
I felt some sense of direction, but I'm still a little hazy as to where I go from here. I could literally go anywhere. The motorcycle trip there and back was a little rough, and honestly I prepare myself spiritually and mentally for the worst whenever I get on my bike for that long, but I always remember how much more safe it is on the highway than on the city streets. People look out for me, and there is a lot more space for me to maneuver. I did lose my passenger hat at 80 mph though, and I was behind someone who had a blowout and who threw tire all over the place. Fortunately I missed it all. I was also able to meet up with some bikers for a while and we rode in formation which is a lot safer than riding alone. It was tiring though, so chances are I won't be doing that again any time soon.
So now it's down to facing another night of possible nightmares about Lindsay, another day of being bombarded by the good memories we had. I can't remember the bad all that well anymore. That's just the way my mind works. If only it could have been different. I really did love that girl.
Peace and love.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Ideal
I'm getting restless and I know that this weekend's retreat is only going to complicate things even more for me. For a while after school I never acted on my restlessness because I had Lindsay here to think about and stay around for, but I think that was a season that needed to exist. Now, however, I feel like I could go and do something intense. I feel like that's what my life is for. I don't feel comfortable in the American dream at all. Everyone just seems like they're reaching out for something better than what they already have, and I can feel myself coasting along with that tide.
I have great friends in Nashville, but I don't know if what I am looking for can be found here. For a while I thought it was a relationship, maybe a family. That doesn't seem like it will be in the cards for me though, at least not here and now. But there is much more to be had out of life than that anyways. I've pretty much ruled out money. I've seen the riches places and the poorest places in my life and I envy the poor much more than the rich.
Ah but am I ready? I got frustrated the other night because my ideal for staying here seemed to be bashed upon the rocks. But then I also take a step back and think about my ideal for here seems a great deal similar to my ideal of all the places I have been. So can I let go of my ideal? Can I have a new ideal with more purpose, drive, and intensity than what I have now? That's what I want. I want clarity and a new drive with more purpose and more call upon my potential.
I have great friends in Nashville, but I don't know if what I am looking for can be found here. For a while I thought it was a relationship, maybe a family. That doesn't seem like it will be in the cards for me though, at least not here and now. But there is much more to be had out of life than that anyways. I've pretty much ruled out money. I've seen the riches places and the poorest places in my life and I envy the poor much more than the rich.
Ah but am I ready? I got frustrated the other night because my ideal for staying here seemed to be bashed upon the rocks. But then I also take a step back and think about my ideal for here seems a great deal similar to my ideal of all the places I have been. So can I let go of my ideal? Can I have a new ideal with more purpose, drive, and intensity than what I have now? That's what I want. I want clarity and a new drive with more purpose and more call upon my potential.
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