Ideal

I'm getting restless and I know that this weekend's retreat is only going to complicate things even more for me. For a while after school I never acted on my restlessness because I had Lindsay here to think about and stay around for, but I think that was a season that needed to exist. Now, however, I feel like I could go and do something intense. I feel like that's what my life is for. I don't feel comfortable in the American dream at all. Everyone just seems like they're reaching out for something better than what they already have, and I can feel myself coasting along with that tide.

I have great friends in Nashville, but I don't know if what I am looking for can be found here. For a while I thought it was a relationship, maybe a family. That doesn't seem like it will be in the cards for me though, at least not here and now. But there is much more to be had out of life than that anyways. I've pretty much ruled out money. I've seen the riches places and the poorest places in my life and I envy the poor much more than the rich.

Ah but am I ready? I got frustrated the other night because my ideal for staying here seemed to be bashed upon the rocks. But then I also take a step back and think about my ideal for here seems a great deal similar to my ideal of all the places I have been. So can I let go of my ideal? Can I have a new ideal with more purpose, drive, and intensity than what I have now? That's what I want. I want clarity and a new drive with more purpose and more call upon my potential.