It's Wednesday night. I can't get a hold of time right now. It's going too fast. The past two days just didn't seem to exist, and every time I wake up, it seems like it's night time, just before I'm supposed to go to bed.
I think the week is going fast because I'm burying a bit of hurt. I'm still really struggling with the absence of Lindsay. I go back and forth with myself about her and it just leaves me spent and dry. I miss her. I can say that honestly. I know I've said a lot in my anger, but I miss her. I miss what we had. But nothing can be done of that now. I think back to situations that were probably the deciding factor in our separation, and I feel that if I had only responded in a different way, maybe things would be different now, but they aren't. This is reality. She's not away on a long trip, she's gone.
Mitch and I were talking about that yesterday just before we started washing our bikes (which brought the rain I should add). From everything I told him about what I knew about Lindsay, how she hid so much of her problems from me and she expected me to drill them out of her, he said that she probably wasn't as at peace about it as she was trying to make me think she was. She probably is torn up about it too, but she's the kind of person that will never let it show to anyone. I have to take comfort in that because to think that it was meaningless to her really destroys me. Who knows, maybe that's what she wanted all along, for me to feel destroyed. But I can't think of it that way. I have to make my own reality.
On a more positive note, it's times like these where music gains a new meaning to me. I listen more to the words, to the feel of the song, and I relate to the emotion conveyed a great deal stronger than I would if everything were just fine in my life. I have always poured myself out through music, and that's what I'm doing now in my time of need.
On a more "every-day" note, I am moving into a new house next week. I have to box up my stuff here at some point, and I also have to meet the new landlord so he can approve of me. He seems to be a bit unstable. He told Catherine when they were alone that he had "a gun in his truck." If he pulls that with me, that's fine. I can take it. But to tell a young girl that, in my mind, sets me on edge to the point of I might say something if it comes up. That is inexcusable. Catherine is a nice sweet woman who doesn't have an intimidating bone in her body. But we'll see what happens. I am going to try hard not to have a preconceived notion about him, to try and understand where it is he's coming from. That's the best I can do.
Oh, this past weekend's CBC men's retreat to Asheville was great. I got to see my dad and brother and lots of friends. I needed to be there because I needed to get out of all of these memories and be with people who could see past all of that, people who weren't involved.
I felt some sense of direction, but I'm still a little hazy as to where I go from here. I could literally go anywhere. The motorcycle trip there and back was a little rough, and honestly I prepare myself spiritually and mentally for the worst whenever I get on my bike for that long, but I always remember how much more safe it is on the highway than on the city streets. People look out for me, and there is a lot more space for me to maneuver. I did lose my passenger hat at 80 mph though, and I was behind someone who had a blowout and who threw tire all over the place. Fortunately I missed it all. I was also able to meet up with some bikers for a while and we rode in formation which is a lot safer than riding alone. It was tiring though, so chances are I won't be doing that again any time soon.
So now it's down to facing another night of possible nightmares about Lindsay, another day of being bombarded by the good memories we had. I can't remember the bad all that well anymore. That's just the way my mind works. If only it could have been different. I really did love that girl.
Peace and love.
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