Changing the Subject

It took a considerable amount of focus for me to not grumble at work today. Funny how it takes someone to point something out to us before we realize how immersed in it we are. I think complaining destroys character faster than any one thing, and I tend to complain a lot, especially on this, my online journal.

Someone close to me told me recently that this journal was silly. I deserved the slam for sure because I used this journal as a means to hurt them. The words that were said weren't very strong, and they didn't need to be. When someone never uses strong words towards you, and then all of the sudden they do, it doesn't matter what kind of words are used to express their frustration or anger. The tone behind the words is what does the cutting, and it cuts deep.

Should I stop writing? What is the point of this? I never even go back and read any of what I write when I'm done. It just seems like it does more harm than good, mostly... because I use it to do more harm than good. I don't even practice good writing skill when I journal. Frustration and confusion abound.

I get so tired of who I am sometimes. I get so tired of the situations I end up in, and by my own hand at that. I get so tired of wrestling with my failures every day if I get too quiet or I am left alone. But all in all, it's been a long time since I've felt like this. The only reason I feel like I'm not going insane is because the last time this happened to me... well... I pulled out of it. It took five damn years, but I pulled out of it

So once again, I'm complaining. Let's change the subject.

I'm listening to a band called Hem right now. I am so in love with this woman's voice. The album is Eveningland, but Rabbit Songs is a good one too. Between her and the girl from the Weepies... well I just get confused as to which one I would have sing me to sleep at night if I had three wishes. The other two wishes would probably be a fully furnished house with hardwood floors on the outer banks of NC and then the ability to transport to any part of the world at any time.

Here's some good news, at least for me. I'm getting a bed. I'm getting a real-life double sized bed. I'm also getting it for $100. I'm happy about that because I haven't had a reasonable bed since I moved out of my parents house when I was 19. Okay, so the font just changed and I can't ... wait... never mind, it changed back. Odd. But yeah, I'm at least thankful that I've had something to sleep on for the better part of this year. Last year I didn't have anything comparable to a bed period. Also speaking of last year, Brown Recluse spiders... I killed the first one of this season today. Where was it? Well, a bunch of us, and by us I mean Andy and friends along with Paul, Matt, and Viking, went on an evening walk. When we got back, I staggered about my keys trying to find the right one to unlock the door in the dark. I eventually got the door open and we all walked in except for Paul.
"Did any of you guys see this?", He said pointing to an object in the doorway. "Is that a brown recluse?"
"Nah, they don't make webs" I said, thinking that it had a web in the doorway. I got closer and realized that there was no web, it was just hanging at eye level right in the middle of the door. "Yep, that's a brown recluse. Dammit." I killed it. They're back for the warm season. I should have known better when I saw all of the other bugs that have been hanging around lately begin to disappear. Well... I'm out of here in a few days anyways. I should be alright. Doesn't mean my skin feels any less creepy-crawly.

Sleepy time.