Maybe Not So New After All

I've been on a writing kick. I've written several journals in a row and they just keep on coming. That's not to say that I have anything of great importance to say, but more to say... that I just feel like saying something.

I'm learning how to combat my thoughts during the day. I'm praying more. If I start to sway or tilt in the direction of negative thinking I just start to pray. I know God isn't going to let me try and lift this on my own. I'm stubborn like that. I'll definitely try if He doesn't stop me. But the deeper I go with this, the more I realize how dark my thoughts are and how I've just let them have free reign over my life for so long. Learning to live in the freedom of Christ is a valuable lesson and it teaches us that the law has no place in our lives. But following the law and having discipline are two different things. Discipline harnesses our wisdom. You can be wise and not really use the wisdom. That's called being lazy. But disciplining yourself to remember your wisdom is important because surprisingly wisdom and freedom can co-exist.

Today I was reminded of the time I tried to kill myself when I was in the third grade. Don't get super freaked out or anything. I wasn't contemplating it again. Work isn't that bad. It just popped in there all of a sudden like an "Oh yeah, I remember that. What was I thinking?" kind of thought. I haven't really told many people about that, partly because I never really figured it out. What gets into a third-grader's mind to inspire suicide? My life was good, nothing really bad happened to me that day, but I had a darkness creep over me that has never sense been rivaled. It was the feeling of complete loneliness, like no one cared anymore and that I was doomed to face the rest of my life in a cold dark place. Everything seemed fake, people's happiness, compliments, everything. I walked outside when it was just my brother and sister and I home. My brother and sister were old enough at the time to watch me without adult supervision, but they didn't watch me closely. Why would they? I never go into serious trouble as a kid. But I walked outside and I made a noose (or a knot. I don't really think I knew how to tie a noose when I was in the third grade). I took it and I flung it over a dogwood tree hanging over the driveway and I put it around my neck. I tightened it up and I watched cars pass by on the road. None of them stopped or were concerned. I started to cry. For some reason I felt like death would have been such a relief. Then, my mom pulled into the driveway. She saw what was going on. I don't think it was too hard to decipher. She responded with anger at first. She grabbed me, took the noose off of my neck and drug me inside the house. She took me to the bathroom and threw me in the shower with my cloths on and she turned on the cold water. Then she slammed the door and went hunting for my brother and sister. I heard a lot of yelling and then I realized as the cold water was hitting me in the face what I had been doing. I felt so ashamed. I cried even more.

I would let it be known that no matter how dark life seems, I would never try to hurt myself again. I don't know what got into me that day. It was like I was gripped around the throat.

On a brighter note, I wrote a new song today. I don't have any means to record it right now, but when I do... I will. Also, I have three days until I move... and I haven't packed anything yet. I mean most of my stuff is confined to one room, so it shouldn't be too big of an ordeal, but that'll all happen Saturday. Right now I'm enjoying my evenings. I go work out and then I do something else... like writing music or hanging out with friends. Going to bed now. Peace.