I've Been Hiding this for Too Long

Have we talked yet about how messed up I can be. Let me set a few things straight, if I may. I have hurt several people in my life based upon lies that I created in order to create footholds for me to use as a way to climb out of the shithole I dig for myself when I'm hurt. So here's the truth.

Becca was the first. I cared for her and I know she cared for me, but we were young, and I had no idea what a girlfriend was for at the time. She moved on, plain and simple. She didn't feel comfortable telling me all of her life's secrets because I was a judgmental ass back then. I thought smoking was evil. I thought drinking was evil. I don't talk to people who are like what I was back then now, so why would I be so surprised. But it didn't matter. I spread lies about her that tore her apart, and she was very gracious in retrospect. She's gone now, I don't know what she's doing, only by rumors. We don't do well around each other anymore, and to blame? Me.

Catherine came next. We were together for a short time, but I piled way too much emotional baggage on her. I was in a confused place in my life and she wasn't there to fill that void. No person could have filled that void. When she moved on and she told me exactly how she felt I was outraged. I felt abandoned and small. It was in complete harmony with who I was to take it out on her. It took me that long to know I had a problem. I said things about her that you wouldn't believe, all of which were complete lies. I laughed and made jokes and did whatever I could to make her hurt. I thought it would make me feel strong to see her in pain. She broke down and cried one night and all of my friends came to me. I was still proud. They sat me down and explained to me that I had a problem and I was resentful, of course. It wasn't until she was leaving for France the next year that I broke from that darkness. She came that day to Belmont to say goodbye to everyone, but I couldn't talk to her or look at her. Then, I was on the other side of campus and I began to run back. That's when it happened. I knew I was wrong and I felt such pain and sorrow for what I had done. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, to give her a hug, to tell her how I really felt. She was gone. She was already on the plane when I called her cell phone. Her sister answered and told me that. I had to wait a year in order to tell her face-to-face. How she managed to forgive me for all of that, I will never know. She did though. We're great friends now and I'm so happy to see her marry Matt. They are truly in deep deep love.

The most recent, and the closest of these women to my heart was Lindsay. She came to me nervous that night to tell me how she felt. She couldn't keep trying because she wasn't sure if there was anything there. I had a peace about it, I told her that it would be wise for us to step back then and that I was encouraged because of the peace that we both had about it. She gave me some of my stuff that was left over at her house, and then drove off. I cried later that night but I accepted the pain. I was surprised with myself. I went to her place again, as hard as it was, to say my last goodbye to her. She was already packed up and ready to leave. Her room was completely empty, and she was excited. I became filled with memory of what we used to share, and I knew it was gone. I was hurt, coiled up inside, but I wanted to be as strong as I could for her. She didn't deserve to have me break down in front of her. We said goodbye, and I never cried so hard in my life as I did on the way home, other than the time that Phill died. I cried harder then. But I couldn't believe that she was gone. It didn't take long though, for the pain to sneak in and whisper into my ear. I always listen. If I were to say these things I would feel justified, and I would feel better. She left, she was wrong, she wanted to hurt me, she treated me badly, she lied, she is the enemy. I wrote those words down right here and with a glare in my eye, blood boiling, hoping that everyone would join my side and feel sorry for me. But everyone knew better. They saw the way I treated Catherine, and they knew. I've been confronted on it, and now I know that I have hurt her. I destroy people and I am weak. I am a coward. Everything about our relationship was beautiful. She cared more deeply for me than any woman ever has, than any woman could ever be expected to. What is more, she put up with me in my worst. She toughed it out until she just didn't have the strength anymore, and she didn't want to hurt me, but I hurt her... without justification... to satisfy my own selfish needs. I objectified her and I will never feel peace about that.

I know God is capable of forgiving even the most evil men for their actions. I know He has forgiven me because I have not felt forsaken through all of this. He knows my heart and knows the root of my actions even when I don't. But to be forgiven by Lindsay for what I have done against her, I cannot expect that. She is human just like me, and not only that, I betrayed her in the deepest way possible. I knew how she felt and I lied to the world. I tore down her innocence, like a true coward, to protect myself.

I pray that the Lord teach me to be stronger than this. I don't ever want to see that side of myself again.

Talk. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Don't ever do what I have done.