Disconnect

100th post on this journal, and already so much has happened. You can read about it, I don't need to recap.

My heart has been extraordinarily restless this weekend. I know why. Whenever I write these kinds of journals I tend to continue such an opening statement with all of my uncertainties as to why I feel this way. I just don't know why. But I learn more and more that this is a lie that I tell myself to feel justified and content with my feelings of restlessness, like nothing I have done or has happened to me could be a valid excuse as to why. But I know, perhaps not in an entirety, but to a fuller extent than I lead on.

I'm not going to talk about all of it tonight because some of it is a secret I hold close to myself, and some of it would just bore you.

But I've changed a lot over the past few years, and I'm a realist. I think that some changes we can be proud of and some we can be rightly ashamed of. Just because you change, that doesn't make it positive. That being said, I feel that I have not changed in a positive way, in fact, I feel pretty lowly. I'm coming to grips with the fact that my last relationship was probably really unhealthy for me and it repressed me in ways that nearly extinguished the deeper passions of my heart. I almost would use the word "ruined" if I didn't believe that I could be redeemed from it all. But I have definitely ventured down a road that was by my own choosing. I know some positive things came out of it. The UN came out of World War II. But for the most part I feel incredibly distanced from who I was, and I realize the things about myself that I took for granted that I wish I could have back.

I'm dancing on a slippery slope by writing this down right now. I think I might just switch over to my private journal if I really want to express what I feel. That would be best for everyone.