Letting Go

It's hard for me to get rid of some of the little things I keep lying around my room, in drawers, closets, under my bed etc. It is hard because I tend to equate or assign everything with a memory, and if I get rid of that particular item, I am getting rid of the memory. I must just need a reminder. Maybe I'm afraid that if I don't have these things there, I will forget everything. How much do I value my memory?

But then there lies the question, "What would actually happen if I got rid of those things?" And because I have such a curious nature, I itch to find out. Perhaps I will only get rid of a few items in question, or maybe more. I just need to learn to let go sometimes. That, as we all know, is hard for me.

I was able to let go of Becca after five years. Sometimes I still think about her, where she is and what she is doing, and I hope she is doing well. But I don't long for her like I used to. It was hard to rid myself of the ideal of what I thought love should be, and unfortunately it carried her face. Nothing about it was realistic or even close to true about who she was as a person, but for some reason I attached that struggle to her.

Letting go of Catherine a few years back was a violent time for me emotionally. But we were never that intimate to begin with, and when she went to France for a year, I was able to heal quickly. Now I couldn't be happier that she is marrying Matt this October. I see their love and I know that it is real, and I will be by them whenever they need me.

There are going to be certain parts of me that are really going to have a hard time letting go of Lindsay, but there are certain things that I have moved completely beyond. Trying not to attach her to an ideal is a current struggle. I have to keep reminding myself that she wasn't a shining emblem of what a girlfriend should be when in a relationship with a despicable man like myself. That's not true. I wasn't all that bad, and she wasn't on the verge of perfection. As far as the comfort of having her around, that feeling is quickly fading to a close. I must be honest when I say that I've been using that to fuel my drive in the gym. I've already gained a few pounds, and I'm going for more. But there are worse things I could be doing with my time. Working out makes me think more clearly and it puts me in a better mood. But I'm proud of myself thus far. Amidst the fact that she was the closest woman to my heart, when she left me like that, I didn't retaliate. I didn't try to make her feel miserable. I didn't try to hurt her and destroy her like all of the previous girls. Instead I stood there and let her ease the knife in. It hurt a lot worse, standing still like that, but pick your poison. Do you want the healing to be quick or slow?

So if you know me, if you have known me for many years and you know how my heart works, it wouldn't make much sense for you to expect me to be healed by now. I'm far too screwed up for that, but I also love that about myself. I love that I have problems and that I think to the point of losing touch with reality, and I'm ready for what is next.