Honest Answers to Why

I feel that over the past few weeks I have been capable of quiet self honesty. It is distinguishable from the usual self-slandering brokenness that I usually feel, but it is a difficult feeling to describe. Denial is the key indicator. When I deny that it is a problem, that usually means that it is a legitimate problem. Being crabby at work has been a catalyst for all forms of inner analysis. The best questions we can start with is "Why?", but you have to ask with the understanding that in order to answer that question honestly, more than likely you are going to have to delve deep beneath the surface and uncover things that you might not be cognitively aware of. So Why? I asked that question last night in my journal and thought about it for a good part of the day. What it led to was my self-centered nature. I don't care that other people are having to work hard. I care about me and my time. I want to do what I want to do, and the fact that sometimes my freedom can come into question by an entity that, in all reality, serves as a vehicle to those things that I want, well... I get frustrated and it grows like a looping signal until it peaks and I have no rational mind anymore. I only have stress, anxiety, and rage. At this place I am liable to say and do things that I would normally refrain from. It's like being an angry drunk.

But I also realize that there is a legitimate threshold for what is acceptable for a company to require of its workers, and I don't have to be trampled on. But what I find difficult to balance is my identity as a Christian in the workplace. Everyone wants to immediately reference your testimony as a believer as soon as you show backbone and say "no" to anything, the dreaded profanities of profanities. Why? I think it's because Christians are either expected to be hypocrites or total push-overs. But I reference the verse that tells you to love your neighbor as yourself, and in order to love yourself, you can't neglect yourself. Should I feel like a hypocrite if I say no? Should I say yes? I think it goes a little more personal than just a "rule of thumb". In my heart I say no because I don't want to give up on me. I have passions that aren't tied to the companies every whim. My coworker said that he did it because he thought of it as helping someone out. He sacrifices a great deal to work over-time but he likes doing it. I explained to him that I think that's fine, but in my life, in order to help one person out, I have to let down someone else. How do you make those decisions? But in all fairness, I don't think I would want to work overtime even if I weren't helping anyone out. I just want some time from day-to-day for myself.

I'm still not really sure what is fair, but there is certainly some clarity to a previously clouded picture. I think helping out when you can is great, but there are times when you should say no because you have to care for yourself and others that might not necessarily be tied to your work. I am not a work-consumed man. I don't have the capacity for it. I respect those who are, but I also respect myself.