Gray Lives

Sometimes simple words in passing can really dig deep inside my mind where they amplify in meaning and I dwell on them. Or maybe they spark other thoughts that lead me down an entire chain of branching ideas and revelations. This is important because it prevents me from resting in the commonplace of mediocre thought, and it inspires me to do more with myself. The only real difficulty is maintaining a love for one's self when dissecting every self-defining characteristic in the pursuit of finding individual meaning and identity and then relaying that back to the Universal Truth, God.

I feel an incredible amount of tension when I am alone because my thoughts have a voluminous presence. I can quickly become my own accuser, turn around, and objectify even myself. It is bad enough to objectify someone else. None of us are that trivial. There is always something seemingly convincing about us that makes us do the things we do because we have the aptitude for building up a case around ourselves as to sell the rest of the world the idea that what we do is completely legitimate. In short, we live gray lives. Nothing anyone does is black and white. It is a complex formula.

If I am alone, I can get lost in this formula. It's like swallowing your own head in a way, only it is more absurd than difficult. What I desire is peace of mind. The ability to still maintain a deep level of focus and thought without objectifying and getting lost in my own condition. I desire to not feel sorry for myself either. I want to believe in myself and what I want. I want to know what I want, and I want the focus and depth to reach after it. I want to live a satisfying and selfless life. To many people such an ideal is a waste of time, but to me it is still possible.

I'm dozing off right now. I need my sleep. Goodnight.