Low Appeal

Wouldn't be a night in my life if I went to bed without doing all the things I set out to do this morning. I'm not down or anything, way too many endorphins in my blood for that, but I'm under the gun right now. Uncle Sam and The Man both want my ass right now, and they don't want to share.

But I have small joys going all around me. I'm trying my best to get in shape again, and I'm having huge gains and alterations in my body. It's great, but it hurts. I'm going to work out harder and more intently than I ever have before. I'm eating more, I'm gaining weight, I'm going to work out my legs just so my ass is a little bit bigger for Sam and The Man. My body is starting to produce more testosterone from all of the growing, so I'm getting more hair on my face and I have to shave more often. Good times. I love to see (good) changes in my body.

Confidence wise, I'm having a hard time. I'm not so worried about the ladies because I'm getting more attention, especially now that I'm single, but I'm not playing with it really. I have no desire to as of now. I have met a few new girls though and I'm really enjoying getting to know them. But at work I'm getting pretty frustrated. I feel like no matter how hard I work or how good of a job I do, I've always got someone breathing down my neck, someone unsatisfied, and someone wanting me to do more work. I flat out told someone "No" today and I was pretty blunt about it. I told them that I was putting in enough over time and that I had no interest in putting in anymore. I'm also getting a bit testy with the guys that are breathing down my neck. I've snapped at a few of them just to let them know that they can't push me around just because I'm the youngest guy there. My eyes are starting to wander too. I'm doing a great deal of thinking as to how I might switch careers if need be. It's always good to have a back up plan.

But I've been thinking more on the extremes. I was looking at the Peace Corp, thinking that I might enjoy doing that. I either want in the music business or I want to go abroad. I'm young and I'm experienced with travel, so I feel pretty confident that I could do it. It's just that working for Corporate America has no appeal to me. Making lots of money has no appeal either. I want to make enough money and that's about it. People just seem so thirsty for more, and I have started coming out of that. I was there when I got out of college, but the past several months have shown me that there's so much more than just "more". Lots of it doesn't really involve money either. I want to travel and see the world, but not as a tourist. That's lame. I want to be underneath it all. But there are some financial things that I have to take care of first, and I feel confident that I'll find a way to do that. I've become a lot more conscious of my spending as of late, and I've been making more money. So all in all, I'm keeping more. My goal is to pay my way out of all of my debt, and then unleash my dreams.

It'll be a while, but a good while, spent in meditation and discerning over the things that really drive me. I don't feel bound to anything anymore. I could walk out tomorrow and not look back, and it's great.