What I Want to Do. (?)

I don't know why work is eating me up on the inside so much. I feel cheated out of my time, like working is the most unjust thing that could happen to me. I've always felt that way though, even at a young age. My mentality is that work is that thing that keeps you from doing what you really want to do. The only problem is that I don't know what it is that I really want to do. I mean I might, but right now it's mixed in with a whole bunch of other ideas. I think I just set a few too many goals for myself, and I can't possibly achieve them all. That kind of loosely focused ambition can create a quitter's mentality if you're not careful.

So, what is it that I want to do?

I want to engineer way more than I am right now, make a profession out of it, have fun doing it. Mostly I would like to do live front of house engineering. Studio work would suffice, but it can get a little cramped from day to day, not to mention that the hours are a lot more than I'm working now.

I would like to concentrate more on my art. I've been trying to write more, to express myself, to see if there is anything worth expressing artistically in my mind. I want my music to be disciplined and good, but I also don't want to veer too far from my own style. I feel a lot of pressure sometimes to be something different because I know a lot of people aren't really into my music, but if I were to stray away, then I would also potentially lose being "into" my music.

I want to work out regularly and stay healthy. I want to try and maintain a high caloric diet and get the rest I need so that I can build more muscle. I've already put on 5 pounds in the past two weeks. That's great, but I know I can do better, it's just going to take a lot of work.

I would like to discipline myself into reading more books. I find that my mind doesn't get the creative exercise it needs because, quite frankly, I don't exercise it. Who would have thought? So I would like to pick out fun books that I might be drawn to and start there. I'm reading the Life of Pi right now, but I might dumb it down a little bit. I think that I don't read so much because the books that I do read are very serious and challenging to my personal disposition.

I want to enjoy the outdoors more than I do. I want to go on weekends and hike, camp, fish, canoe, something outside. I stay in too much, and when I do go out, all I do is play frisbee. That's fun, but not exactly what I have in mind.

Over all, I just want to be more disciplined and reliable not just to myself, but to others as well. I'm working on it, but I tend to cater to myself way too much, and that's a habit hard to break.

Peace and love.