The Last

It has been a good while since I last wrote, and I came to do some thinking as I was consciously refraining from updating my life here. I'm afraid that my online journaling has come to an end. This will probably be the last post I write, at least for a long long time. It just became something that I never intended it to become. Habitually I would pool all of my emotions into this space where everyone could read. They weren't well thought out and they weren't even consistent with my beliefs, but I wrote them anyways. It became ammo that people could use against me, but only because I gave it to them.

So I'll sum things up with what I'm doing next, and that will be the last of it. If you want to know about me, you'll just have to talk to me.

I'm formulating a plan. I've been in limbo for a good while now trying to figure out where the next move should be. I have so many options, but I'm now allowed much more time to make decisions than I used to be. So it might get a little hairy, but I want to take my time and formulate a plan that I feel that I can adhere to. That's harder said than done though. I like and dislike many different things, and when choosing the right path at this stage in life, it is important to take all of that into consideration. I suppose this journal and my college journal would be very good for that. They have served a purpose in documenting the strong and weak points of who I am, as well as my progress and regression.

All I've really figured out so far is that I could be anywhere in the world a year from now. I've let go of ideas of planting roots for now. I will go where I need to go, but it also needs to make sense for me to go there, to be useful and beneficial to more than just myself. Face it. Things here are going to change drastically in the next few months. I stayed because I loved the way things were, but things change. We shouldn't lament that too hard, it's just the way things happen. But we would be better to adapt, to know who we are and face the future with that understanding while still holding a place in our hearts for the things that were. I might just be talking out of my ass. It's completely possible that I will be called to stay here. But I don't know. I don't know when it will happen and how, but I feel something moving in me, and it's not dinner.

But I've manned up over the past few months. My attitude has changed and I don't let myself get depressed anymore. I still feel lingering shadows sometimes, but they are faint. I have begun to learn how to choose what it is that I think about and I'm getting better at it. I was becoming increasingly shallow, but I have now found that life isn't about me. The story is much bigger. So what will happen with all of that? I don't know. I don't pretend to. But it won't be written down here.

Peace and love

Fire Flies

I had a great weekend. Today was great. I think it was supposed to happen this way. I was too poor to drive to Asheville to hang out with some of my friends who were going to meet me there, but I didn't get upset about that. I'll see them before the summer is out, I'm sure. Instead I spent time with Matt, Catherine, her parents, Kayla, and Natalie, who stopped by for a short visit this evening. I ran sound at church this morning and it went really well. I'm really becoming efficient and skilled at that. It can be hectic at times. What am I saying? It is always hectic, but the more I do it, the more I get used to it. And it sounded good, and there were no real problems. But afterwards we did the Pizza thing and then I went home and had a video chat with most of my family in NC, even my aunt and uncle from England and my toddler cousin Emilia... which coincidentally is the name of my tomato plant... funny, just thought of that. Not spelled the same though, but whatever. It was good to see everyone.

I spent a good bit of time after that just writing music and singing. I didn't come up with anything that I really liked, but I am still in love with the process of trying, even after all of these years. That led into a nap and then Kayla, Catherine, and her parents showed up for the cookout. It was a good time, and I mean that. I know that saying "it was a good time" is sort of trivial and I've probably overused that phrase in this journal several times, but I mean it. I just can't express it. It kept my mind off of work and the stress I've been finding there, all of my frustrations in finance and my future. That's what good times are supposed to do, right? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the walk we had at dusk through the golf course. It's firefly season now, so the field across the street really lights up starting at dusk. I went out there last night and just stood for several minutes looking out into the woods and up into the sky. I was trying to find constellations that I recognized. I found the big dipper. I don't remember if Orion is in the sky right now, but that's the other one that I can pick out pretty easily. The woods didn't really have constellations, but they might as well have. I mean if the fireflies just glowed constantly and hovered in one place, you could probably connect lines between them to draw some obscure picture that looks like something familiar. But the inconsistency and fluidity of their light is what makes them so interesting to watch

I don't know what anything I just said means to you, but to me it means one thing. I have peace right now in the midst of adversity. I know myself and I know God, and I know that I don't have to spend too much time worrying because I know that God will send opportunities my way, and I know that I will recognize them when they arrive. Does that mean that I'll feel good all of the time? Probably not. My mind still drifts and I still slosh back and forth in my short-term emotional bucket, but that's simply evidence of human passion. If anything should remind us that we are still alive, it should be that. But it's when that little short-term bucket becomes your world and what you see life through... I think that's when it becomes a problem.
That's a problem that I am familiar with, but I know now what gets me in, and I know what gets me out.

I'm different now. I don't think it's a change that is as noticeable in a mirror or even just by talking to me, but I feel it. I'm not who I was last year, and I'm not what most people feared I had become this year. I may still wear small traces of those times, but there's just something different now, and I really like it.

Here comes Holly. She's Matt's white cat. They're both a little skiddish, but Holly is the most uneven. I think she might be a bit brain damaged. She contorts herself at times in strange ways with confused look on her face, and she is easily scared by... well... pretty much anything. She also throws up on a regular basis and is very skinny, but she checks out at the Vet and she's been like that her entire life. Anyways, she has taken a liking to me. Not Elli. Elli doesn't come out of Matt's room. But Holly will sleep in my bed with me. Sometimes I don't like it because she'll sit on my chest and meow in my face. I just hisss really loud at her and she freaks out and runs away, but sometimes if she can manage to share this full-sized bed with me, I let her stay, even though she sheds. She releases hair almost like a smoke screen. Whenever she gets scared... POOF!

Anyways, I've been writing for a while now. I should really consider getting some hard sleep because I have a hard week ahead of me. But I'm ready.

We Gots Internet Now

I've got the internet now at Matt and my place. It's been a long time coming, and it's probably been really good being disconnected from internet life for a while. I've had more time on my hands after work than what I'm used to, so I've been trying to figure out what to do with that time. We don't have cable, so I don't watch tv, and there's not much to do on this side of town, so I don't go out. I still work out, but that's about it. Other than that, I'm going to be looking for new pass-times.

Today was most excellent. I woke up and Catherine's parents came over and we all had breakfast (from the continental breakfast at their hotel... but hey, better than the breakfast I usually have, which is nothing). Then Matt and I watched The Office until his cousins came up from SC and a friend of theirs from China. He's pretty quiet, and I'm sure we probably are louder than his culture might be used to. Anyways, after Matt and his cousins went to the rock show in Portland (TN), I was home for an hour by myself. I took that time to sort through all of my crap and throw stuff out that I've kept for years for no reason. There is still stuff that I can't bring myself to part from, so I kept that in a small box that will... well, I don't know where it will go yet, but I'm not to that point. I have lots of crap. Lots of crap to throw away. I also cut the bushes around the house with my Ghana sword. A little unconventional, but I just wouldn't be setting the consistency of my character to my neighbors if I didn't do something awkward in my yard for all to see. I enjoy it...

But then Catherine and her parents came back and we had an evening of gardening and carpentry. Her dad built a shelf and the ladies and I tilled up the soil in some overgrown gardens in the front yard and we planted flowers and an herb garden. They bought me a tomato too! I don't think I've ever successfully kept a plant alive, but I'm going to try really hard this time. I would love to have my own little garden. That's a good pass-time.

After that I went to pick up Mitch from his place and we rode on my bike to pick up his bike that broke down last night at Belmont (dead battery). We had Mexican food and then came back here and watched a movie. Now we're all sitting in the living room hanging out... things just got kinda quiet. Well... whatever. That's the news right now.

Biking

I've been riding my bike into work for the past several days as an attempts to save money on gas. I still really enjoy riding around and now I'm looking at a few projects for my bike in the near future. I want to be able to travel longer distances on it, so I'm thinking about getting saddle bags and a windshield, just for longer trips. I think saddle bags and windshields look dorky otherwise. I would also like to have the tail lowered, so I'm looking at the kit so I can do it myself. It shouldn't cost too much. The biggest thing is I need to take it in and get it tuned. I don't have an excuse anymore because I live walking distance from the Harley store. I can take it over there, drop it off, and walk back to my place. Having it tuned for the first time is supposed to make a huge difference.

Usually I don't like to talk about my close calls on my motorcycle. It's pretty much a given that you have them almost every time you get on. You expect it and drive defensively to prevent other people from ruining your day. But last night I had one that was just funny. It was a Cop this time. He turned left in front of me without looking. I gave him a look when I drove by so he decided to follow me. So then I turned really quickly into a side street and u-turned around and got behind him. A stupid game to play, but I went along with it. It was perfectly legal... but maybe I'm just a bit bitter from traffic school still.

Gotta get to work.

Pub

I'm sitting at a small pub tucked away just around the corner from my house. You wouldn't expect to find a pub here. You'd expect to find a line of houses on this quiet street, and there are several houses, but all the same, a pub tucked in the middle. I got here just as they were closing the kitchen, but they still made me a burger. I got a Sam Addams to go along with it, and a water. I needed that.

I just got done with traffic school, and it was a giant waste of time, though the teacher was very good and exciting. The reason that I ended up in that classroom was because I knowingly broke the law and I got caught. I didn't need to be reminded of what the law was. I knew I was breaking it when I broke it, and I wasn't mad when I was caught. That's part of taking risk. You fail sometimes and you pay the consequences. But I feel that it is a weak excuse of a man who doesn't take a punishment for something he knowingly does. But I took the class, listened to people speak about the obvious dangers of driving, and then went my marry way.

Today ended up being one of those days where I have to fight my thoughts less they get the better of me. I have been rather content with the way things are going in my life right now. I love my new house, I relatively enjoy work, though I'm still planning other ventures on the side, and I'm feeling at peace with the new disciplines I have taken on in attempts to improve the darker sides of my life. But I have also accepted with peace the complications that my life has been yielding. As a result, I feel that I am getting stronger and more passionate. I'm not ready for my vocation yet, but I'm getting closer every day.

The New Place

Writing at work again. We still don't have the internet, but it has been nice to vacate from modern communication for a while. Everything about the new place is quiet, and I like that. Matt and I are still working at getting things organized, but it is most certainly already livable.

I've been trying to figure out how to sleep in my new bed. It's so big. I'm not used to that. For the first few nights I confided myself to one side of it, but last night I just sprawled out all over it, and it was for the best. We have also decided to use the air conditioning, and though the bill might raise my forehead a bit, until that bill comes, I will be pretty comfortable knowing that it's not 85+ degrees in my bedroom.

Getting to know Matt's cats, Holly and Ellie, has been interesting. They're kinda weird. They hide under his bed all day and come out at night, but if you stand up, they'll freak out and run away. So I got this great idea yesterday to take them one at a time and put them with me in a closed room with no hiding places for ten minutes a cat. They didn't like that at all for the first several minutes. Ellie ended up slicing my right shoulder pretty good, but later last night they came out and sat on my lap and fell asleep, so I'd like to think we made some headway.

My morning routine has also developed some improvements. I wake up earlier now and have time to make my bed, eat breakfast, and have a little devotional before I head off to work. I also get to work about half an hour early so that I can spend some time organizing and prepping for the rest of the day. I like where this is going and I'll probably continue this trend down the line. I just have to adjust my bedtime. I still stay up until midnight.

Tonight I have traffic school, so I will have to miss out on going to the bar... and probably dinner as well, or at least dinner will be late. I'm going to try and make the best of it. I knew what I was doing was wrong, so I can't be rightfully angry that I got caught and have become inconvenienced.

Eric and Tara's wedding was great this weekend, and I am moved out of the Basement for good. That excites me.

This is Today Today

I'm here at work writing because I don't have internet at my new place. I'm still working on getting out of the basement and hopefully will have accomplished the majority of that today. I don't like to have to keep going back there.

I'm getting the new bed this weekend which will be fantastic, but that being said, I need to really bump up my efforts on THROWING CRAP AWAY! I don't have much floor space in my room right now and I'm running out of time.

Weeman and Tara's wedding is this coming weekend. This marks the kickoff season for several weddings that I will either be in or at least attending. I think weddings are fun, especially being close friends with most of the people getting married. Food is also a plus. I love wedding food. Planning weddings sucks though. I feel sorry for those involved in wedding plans.

Yesterday I got a muffler kiss from my motorcycle on my leg. I have a huge blister the size of a silver dollar right on the inner side of my right lower calf. It's pretty gross. I think it will scar, but hopefully not all bubbled up like that. I should expect such things when I go riding in my short-shorts. Other than the risk of burning and road rash, it can be a safety plus though. Think about it. Seeing my angel-white thighs flashing through traffic would be like staring into the sun. I wouldn't even have to use my high-beams. At any rate, remember: Never dismount the bike on the right side! (It actually does look like a kiss mark too... Like some vicious woman sucked an enormous hickey into my leg).

Just got back into the gym again. It's been over a week and I was starting to feel it. I'm a little stiff today, but I'm going back. I got more "gettin big" to do.

But life is good in general right now. My new living space is really inspiring and quiet. I have a lot of new ideas floating around, work is steady, money is decent, and... well... I mean things are just good. My emotional well-being is incredibly balanced right now which for many of you might be hard to believe, but it's true. Maybe I'm growing up! Wouldn't THAT be exciting?

Home in NC (Drafted Last Weekend)

Being in NC always provides a time for me to focus on the practicality of where I am and what I'm doing. I get really fueled up to change the world when I'm here, but I have to be careful and remember the reality of where I am and the purpose for why I am there at this moment. It's hard to understand sometimes that I have more time to accomplish my dreams than I give myself credit for. I do think that I'm undershooting myself right now. I have a lot of great potential, but I am comfortable right now. Why change? But I don't believe that God will allow me to stay comfortable with where I am. I'm learning. I can attest to that because of the immense sensation of pain that I just came out of. I know a lot more about myself now and I am more capable of handling what it is that the future may hold. But patience is a virtue.

I will enjoy the time I have with my friends and family, but I will also be preparing for the new season of my life that is at hand. Things are liable to change quickly.

Last Night in the Basement

This is the last night I will spend in this room. Paul just told me that it's like I'm closing a chapter of my life. A lot has happened in this one year. It will be good to have new walls around me, ones that don't carry memory or blue paint.

I actually can't vouch for the fact that the walls aren't blue in my new room. I haven't ever stepped foot in this house before. I don't really care. I know the price, and I know Catherine approves of it being that she will be living there with Matt when they are married. I just know that I'm moving in tomorrow morning and the rest is really unimportant to me. I am an adaptive person... I don't know if I'll get everything over there tomorrow. I'll mostly just worry about the big stuff and then maybe move the small stuff later. We'll see. I'm throwing a lot of stuff out too. I want to start over. I want a clean slate. I am going to reinvent myself as best as I can.

I feel like I've been changing a lot over the past few months. I know I've been hurting and I've done and said things that I regret. If I haven't pissed you off yet, I thank you for your patience. I have pissed off a lot of people. But I'm changing for the better, at least it feels that way. I am entering a new environment that I think will be beneficial to my direction.

I'm That Type of Guy

I worked a 14 hour day today, so I'm a little tired right now. I'll be doing it again tomorrow, but that's okay. It really doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I still get a confined feeling every once-in-a-while, but it dissipates when there are objectives to be achieved.

Last night I took this test that shows what kind of person you are. Viking talks about being a type 4 a lot so I decided to take a look and see what all this "type" stuff is about. After taking the test it will score you in several different categories.
1: Reformer
2: Helper
3: Motivator
4: Romantic
5: Thinker
6: Skeptic
7: Enthusiast
8:Leader
9: Peace Maker

You're only supposed to look at your top three high scores, but I tied with four of them as my top scores. As a Motivator, a Romantic, and an Enthusiast, I scored a 5, and as a Helper I scored a 7. I didn't agree with it at first, but then I thought about it a lot today. This is the diagram. Look over it and see if you agree with what I'm about to say, shoot, take the test for yourself and leave a comment on your results if you want. I'd be interested to know.

After a good bit of thought, I think that I am a Helper (type 2) by nature. Looking back on my life and understanding how I deal with things, I can definitely see that. The word "manipulative" jumped out at me. I also think that my sense of guild plays into this, and my love language is definitely words of affirmation that I need on a regular basis. I fantasize about leaving my life behind to go and help people who would truly want my help. I function well in widespread crisis, specifically medical emergencies. I want to be helpful and I know that being calm is the best way. I try and give advice because I want to help. I worry a lot about how other people are feeling. A lot of that is how I am, and I can accept that.

Being a Motivator (type 3) mostly comes into play in work related environments. I prefer working alone, I look for the most efficient ways to do things, and I tend to get very frustrated when working with people who aren't efficient. I am upbeat at times, and I can balance a lot of different activities on my plate. I like objective criticism as long as it is gentle. This type compliments being a Helper in my opinion.

Being an Enthusiast (type 7)... I would say that I'm more of this than Motivator. I'd almost say that I'm more of this than I am of a Helper, but you can decide that for yourself. This compliments the other two well also. Story telling, adventures, roaming off on my own for the sake of the experience, getting lost in my plans ideals and fantasies, not being able to specialize, feeling confined in one to one relationships... You don't have to tell me about this type. This is the essence of who I am most of the time. I do feel confined by lots of things. I feel like I was made for something more than what I have achieved, so I keep the goal above my head at all times. Being a motivator helps me get there, and being a helper keeps me balanced.

Being a Romantic (type 4) is what throws a stick in my spokes. This is what gives me a duality and prevents me from faster progress. I am an introspect. I don't ride the progressive extrovert train for too long before I become enveloped in myself. I tend to be an unhealthy romantic which is what makes this all a bad blend. The dark moods, the guilt, projecting emotions onto other people... all of that gets tiresome, but I cannot deny that about myself. It is a part of who I am. I just want to be a more healthy romantic. I could see the benefit in that.

This all has given me a lot of interesting things to think about. I want to know myself because I think that the more you know yourself, the less volatile and destructive you become. It's all a part of that discipline I was talking about. But the danger rests in becoming so introspective that you get lost in yourself. I believe that the soul of man is eternal. Where it spends eternity is up to you and the Maker, but being that it is an eternal soul, I don't believe that a lifetime is enough to get to the bottom of it. Digging too deep can lead to confusion and not knowing how to get out of a hole deeper than you might have wanted to dig. I am not in it for that journey, but for the journey of self contentment in the one life that I have. Eternity will continue to yield the secrets of our souls, I think. So... no hurry and no worry.

Maybe Not So New After All

I've been on a writing kick. I've written several journals in a row and they just keep on coming. That's not to say that I have anything of great importance to say, but more to say... that I just feel like saying something.

I'm learning how to combat my thoughts during the day. I'm praying more. If I start to sway or tilt in the direction of negative thinking I just start to pray. I know God isn't going to let me try and lift this on my own. I'm stubborn like that. I'll definitely try if He doesn't stop me. But the deeper I go with this, the more I realize how dark my thoughts are and how I've just let them have free reign over my life for so long. Learning to live in the freedom of Christ is a valuable lesson and it teaches us that the law has no place in our lives. But following the law and having discipline are two different things. Discipline harnesses our wisdom. You can be wise and not really use the wisdom. That's called being lazy. But disciplining yourself to remember your wisdom is important because surprisingly wisdom and freedom can co-exist.

Today I was reminded of the time I tried to kill myself when I was in the third grade. Don't get super freaked out or anything. I wasn't contemplating it again. Work isn't that bad. It just popped in there all of a sudden like an "Oh yeah, I remember that. What was I thinking?" kind of thought. I haven't really told many people about that, partly because I never really figured it out. What gets into a third-grader's mind to inspire suicide? My life was good, nothing really bad happened to me that day, but I had a darkness creep over me that has never sense been rivaled. It was the feeling of complete loneliness, like no one cared anymore and that I was doomed to face the rest of my life in a cold dark place. Everything seemed fake, people's happiness, compliments, everything. I walked outside when it was just my brother and sister and I home. My brother and sister were old enough at the time to watch me without adult supervision, but they didn't watch me closely. Why would they? I never go into serious trouble as a kid. But I walked outside and I made a noose (or a knot. I don't really think I knew how to tie a noose when I was in the third grade). I took it and I flung it over a dogwood tree hanging over the driveway and I put it around my neck. I tightened it up and I watched cars pass by on the road. None of them stopped or were concerned. I started to cry. For some reason I felt like death would have been such a relief. Then, my mom pulled into the driveway. She saw what was going on. I don't think it was too hard to decipher. She responded with anger at first. She grabbed me, took the noose off of my neck and drug me inside the house. She took me to the bathroom and threw me in the shower with my cloths on and she turned on the cold water. Then she slammed the door and went hunting for my brother and sister. I heard a lot of yelling and then I realized as the cold water was hitting me in the face what I had been doing. I felt so ashamed. I cried even more.

I would let it be known that no matter how dark life seems, I would never try to hurt myself again. I don't know what got into me that day. It was like I was gripped around the throat.

On a brighter note, I wrote a new song today. I don't have any means to record it right now, but when I do... I will. Also, I have three days until I move... and I haven't packed anything yet. I mean most of my stuff is confined to one room, so it shouldn't be too big of an ordeal, but that'll all happen Saturday. Right now I'm enjoying my evenings. I go work out and then I do something else... like writing music or hanging out with friends. Going to bed now. Peace.

Good Confrontation

I'm still on a tired kick. I don't think I have mono, but whatever. My body is just dealing with the new season... A lot like my car come to think of it.

I had garlic bread pizza for dinner. Turns out when they say garlic bread, they actually mean that they mixed some bread in with the garlic. I need to start cooking again, but I'm lazy right now and I rather enjoy it.

The gym gets crowded at six. I did a good bit of standing in line waiting for equipment to open up today. Perhaps this is good as I have the tendency to overwork myself when I feel the way I've been feeling lately. I don't understand the sudden crowd. All the college kids went home, so that means that Nashville is supposed to be less crowded. Not so. I still had a good workout though. I was alone, but when I work out, I really don't tend to dwell on negative things. I mostly just concentrate on kicking my own ass.

I was confrontational at work today which ended up being a good thing. I have no right to be angry with someone if I won't even be fair enough to take that anger to them so that they can verify its validity. Turns out the guy ended up respecting me a little more for the rest of the day which was great.

I move very soon. It will be good to get out of this basement. I want a yard again. I want a place untouched by memory. It'll be a small reinvention of myself, but that's all I need. I just want to feel creative again.

Changing the Subject

It took a considerable amount of focus for me to not grumble at work today. Funny how it takes someone to point something out to us before we realize how immersed in it we are. I think complaining destroys character faster than any one thing, and I tend to complain a lot, especially on this, my online journal.

Someone close to me told me recently that this journal was silly. I deserved the slam for sure because I used this journal as a means to hurt them. The words that were said weren't very strong, and they didn't need to be. When someone never uses strong words towards you, and then all of the sudden they do, it doesn't matter what kind of words are used to express their frustration or anger. The tone behind the words is what does the cutting, and it cuts deep.

Should I stop writing? What is the point of this? I never even go back and read any of what I write when I'm done. It just seems like it does more harm than good, mostly... because I use it to do more harm than good. I don't even practice good writing skill when I journal. Frustration and confusion abound.

I get so tired of who I am sometimes. I get so tired of the situations I end up in, and by my own hand at that. I get so tired of wrestling with my failures every day if I get too quiet or I am left alone. But all in all, it's been a long time since I've felt like this. The only reason I feel like I'm not going insane is because the last time this happened to me... well... I pulled out of it. It took five damn years, but I pulled out of it

So once again, I'm complaining. Let's change the subject.

I'm listening to a band called Hem right now. I am so in love with this woman's voice. The album is Eveningland, but Rabbit Songs is a good one too. Between her and the girl from the Weepies... well I just get confused as to which one I would have sing me to sleep at night if I had three wishes. The other two wishes would probably be a fully furnished house with hardwood floors on the outer banks of NC and then the ability to transport to any part of the world at any time.

Here's some good news, at least for me. I'm getting a bed. I'm getting a real-life double sized bed. I'm also getting it for $100. I'm happy about that because I haven't had a reasonable bed since I moved out of my parents house when I was 19. Okay, so the font just changed and I can't ... wait... never mind, it changed back. Odd. But yeah, I'm at least thankful that I've had something to sleep on for the better part of this year. Last year I didn't have anything comparable to a bed period. Also speaking of last year, Brown Recluse spiders... I killed the first one of this season today. Where was it? Well, a bunch of us, and by us I mean Andy and friends along with Paul, Matt, and Viking, went on an evening walk. When we got back, I staggered about my keys trying to find the right one to unlock the door in the dark. I eventually got the door open and we all walked in except for Paul.
"Did any of you guys see this?", He said pointing to an object in the doorway. "Is that a brown recluse?"
"Nah, they don't make webs" I said, thinking that it had a web in the doorway. I got closer and realized that there was no web, it was just hanging at eye level right in the middle of the door. "Yep, that's a brown recluse. Dammit." I killed it. They're back for the warm season. I should have known better when I saw all of the other bugs that have been hanging around lately begin to disappear. Well... I'm out of here in a few days anyways. I should be alright. Doesn't mean my skin feels any less creepy-crawly.

Sleepy time.

Don't Give Up on Me

I was so tired this weekend, and I still am. I don't know why my body needed to relax so much, but I'll trust it I suppose. I hope I can have a good attitude about work tomorrow. Sometimes it is hard for me to, especially when I had such a good night the day before. My friends from Asheville are here, and they get along great with my friends from here. Makes me feel kinda sane, like I'm consistent and not as screwed up as I feel like I am sometimes.

I talked with a friend at church today. He's a touring artist with a pretty solid career, and I think it's only going to get bigger. I wanted him to know what a blessing one of his songs has been to me. It's from an album coming out this fall, and the name of the song is "Don't Give Up on Me". It returns me to a place of humble reality. He wrote it for his wife, and it talks about how he loves her, but sometimes it's not the best that he can, and he pleads with her not to give up on him because he won't give up on her. Well, I'm not married, but I find it to be so true with my relationship with God. My prayer is a pleading with Him not to give up on me. Lots of people have in my life. Some haven't, but I feel like they would if they knew the depths of my heart. That gets pretty intimidating when talking about God. He does know the depths of my heart. I tend to destroy love in fits of irrational rage in my life. Entire relationships that have taken years to grow I can sacrifice in a moment's notice because I confuse anger with not caring anymore, and I confuse anger with truth. King David was angry, which is why God did not allow him to build the Temple. God said he was too much of a warrior.

But my friend was compassionate to me even though I never told him the details of my hurting. I think someone else did. But he told me that he understood why I still was hurting. He said that lots of people wouldn't, but he did. I could tell he had been in a similar place. He holds relationship in the highest light of his life, but unlike me, he doesn't feel like that leaves him vulnerable. He said that for guys like us it is normal, and we shouldn't try to hide it. He said that pain was actually the source of his poetry and his ministry. Beauty becomes unmistakable in the midst of pain. I believe that. It was good to look someone in the eye and know that they understood me. Like having consistent friendships, it made me feel normal. Sometimes I need to feel normal.

Sat Her Dae

I was lazy today. I didn't go to the gym, didn't really do any of the things I should have done. I needed to be lazy for a Saturday. I did go see Natalie graduate, I did get outside and I took a nap at the park. I also rode my motorcycle out into the country. That all came before a nice long nap and then a cookout. But all in all, a pretty lazy day.

I just was outside sitting in a pretty rough storm blowing over head. I've always loved storms, and in each of the places I've lived, I can always remember one in my mind that sticks out. The one that I'll always remember from here happened last year just shortly after I graduated from Belmont. It wasn't particularly bad. It was mostly just rain, but it happened at a very precise time, making me think that perhaps this rain had significant meaning to me and my life. Now my deeper thoughts on that I shall keep private. It was special though, that much is true.

My dreams have been lighter for the past few days. They can still be pretty vivid, but they have been replaced in nature by something good instead of something painful. I look forward to going to sleep now because there is a chance that the dream will come again. It makes me wake up in a good mood even thought it is completely off base. I have to remind myself that the dream isn't at all based on the reality of the situation of my life, but I enjoy it none-the-less.

I'm fading fast. Later

Dead People Friday

The First Video Post

I wrote earlier today, and I'm writing again. I feel brimming with a new understanding, like I just woke up and everything makes amazing sense. I am discouraged at how easily I hurt the ones closest to me. I get even more discouraged at how I have used this journal to do it. I say things here because I don't feel like it has any consequence. I forget sometimes that it's public and I forget sometimes that just because I think it, doesn't mean that it's legitamate. Sometimes it takes someone to be verbally upset with me in order for me to realize that I'm wrong, but I don't get that too often. At the very foundation of all of this, I should really be careful of the thoughts in my heart that I listen to, because a lot of the time they're just not true.

But a new perspective has hit me this week like a cement truck. It's a hopeful perspective that might just be the hand of God pulling me out of this hole I have dug for myself.

I've Been Hiding this for Too Long

Have we talked yet about how messed up I can be. Let me set a few things straight, if I may. I have hurt several people in my life based upon lies that I created in order to create footholds for me to use as a way to climb out of the shithole I dig for myself when I'm hurt. So here's the truth.

Becca was the first. I cared for her and I know she cared for me, but we were young, and I had no idea what a girlfriend was for at the time. She moved on, plain and simple. She didn't feel comfortable telling me all of her life's secrets because I was a judgmental ass back then. I thought smoking was evil. I thought drinking was evil. I don't talk to people who are like what I was back then now, so why would I be so surprised. But it didn't matter. I spread lies about her that tore her apart, and she was very gracious in retrospect. She's gone now, I don't know what she's doing, only by rumors. We don't do well around each other anymore, and to blame? Me.

Catherine came next. We were together for a short time, but I piled way too much emotional baggage on her. I was in a confused place in my life and she wasn't there to fill that void. No person could have filled that void. When she moved on and she told me exactly how she felt I was outraged. I felt abandoned and small. It was in complete harmony with who I was to take it out on her. It took me that long to know I had a problem. I said things about her that you wouldn't believe, all of which were complete lies. I laughed and made jokes and did whatever I could to make her hurt. I thought it would make me feel strong to see her in pain. She broke down and cried one night and all of my friends came to me. I was still proud. They sat me down and explained to me that I had a problem and I was resentful, of course. It wasn't until she was leaving for France the next year that I broke from that darkness. She came that day to Belmont to say goodbye to everyone, but I couldn't talk to her or look at her. Then, I was on the other side of campus and I began to run back. That's when it happened. I knew I was wrong and I felt such pain and sorrow for what I had done. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, to give her a hug, to tell her how I really felt. She was gone. She was already on the plane when I called her cell phone. Her sister answered and told me that. I had to wait a year in order to tell her face-to-face. How she managed to forgive me for all of that, I will never know. She did though. We're great friends now and I'm so happy to see her marry Matt. They are truly in deep deep love.

The most recent, and the closest of these women to my heart was Lindsay. She came to me nervous that night to tell me how she felt. She couldn't keep trying because she wasn't sure if there was anything there. I had a peace about it, I told her that it would be wise for us to step back then and that I was encouraged because of the peace that we both had about it. She gave me some of my stuff that was left over at her house, and then drove off. I cried later that night but I accepted the pain. I was surprised with myself. I went to her place again, as hard as it was, to say my last goodbye to her. She was already packed up and ready to leave. Her room was completely empty, and she was excited. I became filled with memory of what we used to share, and I knew it was gone. I was hurt, coiled up inside, but I wanted to be as strong as I could for her. She didn't deserve to have me break down in front of her. We said goodbye, and I never cried so hard in my life as I did on the way home, other than the time that Phill died. I cried harder then. But I couldn't believe that she was gone. It didn't take long though, for the pain to sneak in and whisper into my ear. I always listen. If I were to say these things I would feel justified, and I would feel better. She left, she was wrong, she wanted to hurt me, she treated me badly, she lied, she is the enemy. I wrote those words down right here and with a glare in my eye, blood boiling, hoping that everyone would join my side and feel sorry for me. But everyone knew better. They saw the way I treated Catherine, and they knew. I've been confronted on it, and now I know that I have hurt her. I destroy people and I am weak. I am a coward. Everything about our relationship was beautiful. She cared more deeply for me than any woman ever has, than any woman could ever be expected to. What is more, she put up with me in my worst. She toughed it out until she just didn't have the strength anymore, and she didn't want to hurt me, but I hurt her... without justification... to satisfy my own selfish needs. I objectified her and I will never feel peace about that.

I know God is capable of forgiving even the most evil men for their actions. I know He has forgiven me because I have not felt forsaken through all of this. He knows my heart and knows the root of my actions even when I don't. But to be forgiven by Lindsay for what I have done against her, I cannot expect that. She is human just like me, and not only that, I betrayed her in the deepest way possible. I knew how she felt and I lied to the world. I tore down her innocence, like a true coward, to protect myself.

I pray that the Lord teach me to be stronger than this. I don't ever want to see that side of myself again.

Talk. Talk to them. Ask them questions. Don't ever do what I have done.

Hard Thoughts to Beat

It's Wednesday night. I can't get a hold of time right now. It's going too fast. The past two days just didn't seem to exist, and every time I wake up, it seems like it's night time, just before I'm supposed to go to bed.

I think the week is going fast because I'm burying a bit of hurt. I'm still really struggling with the absence of Lindsay. I go back and forth with myself about her and it just leaves me spent and dry. I miss her. I can say that honestly. I know I've said a lot in my anger, but I miss her. I miss what we had. But nothing can be done of that now. I think back to situations that were probably the deciding factor in our separation, and I feel that if I had only responded in a different way, maybe things would be different now, but they aren't. This is reality. She's not away on a long trip, she's gone.

Mitch and I were talking about that yesterday just before we started washing our bikes (which brought the rain I should add). From everything I told him about what I knew about Lindsay, how she hid so much of her problems from me and she expected me to drill them out of her, he said that she probably wasn't as at peace about it as she was trying to make me think she was. She probably is torn up about it too, but she's the kind of person that will never let it show to anyone. I have to take comfort in that because to think that it was meaningless to her really destroys me. Who knows, maybe that's what she wanted all along, for me to feel destroyed. But I can't think of it that way. I have to make my own reality.

On a more positive note, it's times like these where music gains a new meaning to me. I listen more to the words, to the feel of the song, and I relate to the emotion conveyed a great deal stronger than I would if everything were just fine in my life. I have always poured myself out through music, and that's what I'm doing now in my time of need.

On a more "every-day" note, I am moving into a new house next week. I have to box up my stuff here at some point, and I also have to meet the new landlord so he can approve of me. He seems to be a bit unstable. He told Catherine when they were alone that he had "a gun in his truck." If he pulls that with me, that's fine. I can take it. But to tell a young girl that, in my mind, sets me on edge to the point of I might say something if it comes up. That is inexcusable. Catherine is a nice sweet woman who doesn't have an intimidating bone in her body. But we'll see what happens. I am going to try hard not to have a preconceived notion about him, to try and understand where it is he's coming from. That's the best I can do.

Oh, this past weekend's CBC men's retreat to Asheville was great. I got to see my dad and brother and lots of friends. I needed to be there because I needed to get out of all of these memories and be with people who could see past all of that, people who weren't involved.
I felt some sense of direction, but I'm still a little hazy as to where I go from here. I could literally go anywhere. The motorcycle trip there and back was a little rough, and honestly I prepare myself spiritually and mentally for the worst whenever I get on my bike for that long, but I always remember how much more safe it is on the highway than on the city streets. People look out for me, and there is a lot more space for me to maneuver. I did lose my passenger hat at 80 mph though, and I was behind someone who had a blowout and who threw tire all over the place. Fortunately I missed it all. I was also able to meet up with some bikers for a while and we rode in formation which is a lot safer than riding alone. It was tiring though, so chances are I won't be doing that again any time soon.

So now it's down to facing another night of possible nightmares about Lindsay, another day of being bombarded by the good memories we had. I can't remember the bad all that well anymore. That's just the way my mind works. If only it could have been different. I really did love that girl.
Peace and love.

Ideal

I'm getting restless and I know that this weekend's retreat is only going to complicate things even more for me. For a while after school I never acted on my restlessness because I had Lindsay here to think about and stay around for, but I think that was a season that needed to exist. Now, however, I feel like I could go and do something intense. I feel like that's what my life is for. I don't feel comfortable in the American dream at all. Everyone just seems like they're reaching out for something better than what they already have, and I can feel myself coasting along with that tide.

I have great friends in Nashville, but I don't know if what I am looking for can be found here. For a while I thought it was a relationship, maybe a family. That doesn't seem like it will be in the cards for me though, at least not here and now. But there is much more to be had out of life than that anyways. I've pretty much ruled out money. I've seen the riches places and the poorest places in my life and I envy the poor much more than the rich.

Ah but am I ready? I got frustrated the other night because my ideal for staying here seemed to be bashed upon the rocks. But then I also take a step back and think about my ideal for here seems a great deal similar to my ideal of all the places I have been. So can I let go of my ideal? Can I have a new ideal with more purpose, drive, and intensity than what I have now? That's what I want. I want clarity and a new drive with more purpose and more call upon my potential.

Night Mayer

I had a pretty intense night mayer last night, one that kept me tossing, turning, waking up, sweating, all the works. I don't know where it came from. I was thinking on it all day and I just couldn't figure it out.

It was about a virus. If you got infected by this virus you would die in a matter of minutes unless cared for. In a summary, people around me were dropping like flies. The virus would super dehydrate you and you would be left a wrinkly green sack of skin and bones. I was curious as to how it was all connected so I investigated at the hospital and I found a crazy lady in the basement who sacrificed an animal every day and put the carcass in a pile of dead animals, poured something over it and then would go about her business. When I found it she was coming in behind me, so I hid in the pile of dead animals until she was gone. I went home and showered and the next morning when I woke up I had all of these veins visible in my arms that were turning forest green and my eyes were bleeding. I had my dad rush me to the hospital but I was trying to tell him how to get to Baptist so I didn't have to go to Vanderbilt where the infection was spreading from. When I was in the car I flipped down the visor to look in the mirror and my face was turning green and my eyes were brown and wrinkling with large cataracts forming over my pupils. When we go to the hospital they were actually trying to process me through triage... I was so pissed off that I woke up.

I had over slept my first alarm, but I set my other one and it woke me up on time. I need to get more rest. I'm so tired in the mornings.

I have a good bit I could talk about right now, but I'm too tired. I think I'm just going to go to bed for now. Peace and love.

Deeper Dreams

I'm enjoying a hot cup of tea right now. It's been several months since I've had a hot cup of tea. I just felt like it might be a good way to end the day. Seems to be a little bit more chilly than what has been common for the past week or so. It rained as soon as I got off of work, but I didn't really mind too much. I wasn't really expecting to be outside for any reason other than riding, and I rode my motorcycle enough this past weekend to subside the bug, so again, no bother. I've been feeling happy for several days now, and as I tell Paul, it seems to be a rather irrational happiness. I have a lot I could be upset about. I still think about Lindsay and what she is doing and experiencing without me, especially at night, but it hasn't been having the same drastic effect on me as it usually does. I can only account for her memory as a fading aroma, something that will dramatically dissipate once I move out of this apartment in a couple of weeks. I'm really looking forward to that, though it is no permanent fix. I'm moving in with Matt in a house at Sylvin Park on the west side of town. It's a rougher neighborhood, but the house itself looks out over a beautiful golf course that I really enjoy walking on at night. I've written journals on it before. I think that side of town better fits me in general. I mean I suppose where I live now has its ups and downs. Lots of my friends live around this area, and in the warm season, when you drive down the street, there is never a shortage of beautiful women out jogging for miles and miles. I'll miss those things, but there are also plenty of good things to be said about West Nashville too. I actually hope I can find a place over in that area when I have to move out of the house in October.

Paul has been helping me dig deep into my head about the issues I've been having with women lately. We talk about it for at least a little bit every time we go to the gym, and he's very observant and insightful on how I behave. I can see the road I'm on now going nowhere good. I have begun to understand to a small degree the objectification of women to men and men to women. It comes from pain and numbness. A lot of my "confidence" which has gotten me a good bit of attention lately, is in all honestly a sense of apathy and my thinking that these women couldn't possibly hurt me because I don't care about them, therefore, why would I not have confidence around them? Women love confidence, but confidence has several faces. And then Melissa called me out. She saw some things in me that didn't quite add up. She and I have both been hurt in a similar way, so I think that's what tipped her off. But she really knew how to drive it home, and so I've been spending a fair amount of time every day since Friday thinking on that.

Ah, but here's the kicker. Saturday night I had a dream that reminded me, along with Melissa, that I'm really not as cold as I make myself out to be. I've seen down that road, but that's not who I really am. So the dream, yeah.

I have a friend who I really care about and who I've been interested in before, but I just didn't get the feel that the interest was returned. Anyways, she paints, and in the dream she painted this beautiful picture for an art exhibit. I mean it was really vivid and I remember what it looks like and I'm trying to draw it out even though I have no drawing talent at all. But she finished it and turned it in and for some stupid reason that had nothing to do with the visual integrity of the picture, they wouldn't accept it. She was really hurt and she just cried really hard and I held her and legitimately and unselfishly felt pain for her and wanted to comfort her. The whole time she was crying I was just holding her and looking at the picture in awe of what she was able to create.

Now in a way that dream was a little unfair. It was vivid and seemingly real, so when I woke up the emotions didn't die off. I spent a good part of the day very concerned for her and hoping she was okay, even though nothing actually happened. A part of me hoped that she had the dream too, but that's stupid, a lot of our interaction in the dream wasn't even her personality. The important thing to remember is that these dreams aren't real, they just show us things that our subconscious realizes that we wouldn't necessarily recognize on the surface, especially about ourselves. What this particular dream told me is that I still have the capacity, buried somewhere under all of this failure and pain, to love someone genuinely and without hesitation. I didn't even have that with Lindsay. Every interaction between us was compromised by doubt in my mind. She knew it too, which made things rather awkward.

So why am I happy? I've realized that I have the ability to control what it is that I dwell on during the day. I don't have to dwell on such serious things all of the time. I can just think of the good things and smile, and I can do that whenever I feel like it. It's going to take some practice to get started, but I like that direction. It has really lightened my load.

Blunt Truth

Through this weekend I feel like I've really come to an amazing place in my heart. I feel a bit different and a bit more aware of the changes that have taken place in me over the past year. What I see in myself laying here on my bed right now isn't perfect, nor is it close, but I'm happy with it.

Friday night I spent some time with Melissa, and she told me something that she saw in me that threw her off a little bit. It caught me off guard because of the way she worded it, but I realized that there was some truth to it and that I had let it go unnoticed. She's the first girl that's ever pointed it out in me, and she really hasn't known me that long. I was hurt when she said it, but after a little while I started to have a peace come over me about it. It opened a few doors in me that needed to be explored and until then hadn't been available.

I realize that I've been a bit vague as to what "it" is, and I think for now that "it" shall be sufficient to remain just that.

I've gotten the rest I think I need to get this week started off right. I've still been consistent in working out and as of now I've put on one more pound of muscle this week. I think with a fluctuation of water weight in consideration that I'm somewhere around 9lbs heavier than I was last month. I smiled today when I put on my sports jacket and it felt a little tight. My motorcycle jacket is also starting to get a little tight, which is not good. That thing cost $250! I don't know, I doubt I'll get THAT big, but we'll see. I'm going to keep this up for a while.

I wrote this whole long paragraph about politics here. I looked it over and I decided that I should end this weekend on a high note. I'll do that by not talking about politics at all.

Failure Free

When we attach to ourselves the identity of being a failure, that is when we truly start failing the most. I've been rather hard on myself (big surprise) about my recent failures. I don't tell a lot of people about them because I'm afraid of hurting them. Lots of people have these preconceived ideas about who I am, and some of those notions are a bit unfair in my opinion. I am not above failure, I am not above stupid mistakes. If anything, people should expect me to fail often because I am one who is prone to learning from his mistakes and not taking advice for law. But with many people, sometimes the closest people to me, I don't feel like I can share my failures because they are too caught up in worrying, regretting, or having a sense of failure to me to actually sit, listen to, and help me. The one thing that they should know about me if they know me at all is that I am resilient and hopeful to learn and not make the same mistakes twice. I am not a lost cause. But it starts with my own opinion of myself. It starts with me being able to forgive myself for failing and not confuse my failure as the end.

Otherwise, today has been nice. Work went a little slower than usual, but I don't really mind all too much. I have no reason to be off work early. I don't have anything other than working out that I would be doing with my time, even though if I had the time I could probably figure something out with little difficulty that would be constructive. I don't know, I'm kinda plain right now, not very exciting, but I'm planning mostly. The excitement will begin sooner than later. I'm getting more and more brave.

Riding my bike has been amazing lately. I won't talk about all the close calls I have because there is no use worrying all of you. It's safe to say, though, that every time you get on a bike, you should realize that you are going to have to stay far more alert than if you were in a car. I love the air though. I just went on a night ride, and it was amazing.

I'm going to bed now. Meeting at work tomorrow morning extra early.

Don't Read, This is just the Same Ol Thing

I'm figuring out what it means to believe in something even if you don't necessarily feel it. I believe in love, but I can't feel it right now. I know people love me, but I'm being honest in my pain. I can't engage in a man to woman love right now at all. It just feels empty and unreal even though I know it exists. And I could try to cover my feelings with petty things, but I can't do that either. I have to feel the pain of not feeling.

If my life were a book, I would gladly rip out that part of it by the pages. I see nothing anymore that is worth remembering because all memory does, even what might be considered as good, is remind me of failure, loss, and suffering.

"Don't embrace the past." I heard in a song today. That's hard for me. To think that I would let such a small fraction of my life dictate so much of my emotion. I have so much more to build off of, so much that wasn't even touched by her. When it comes down to it, she didn't even really know me all that well because I kept so much of myself hidden from her. Why can't I see it in that light. There is a great deal of worthwhile me left to be salvaged from this wreckage.

Gains

I'm really excited about my results in the gym today. I have gained one more pound of muscle in the last week and I bench pressed my high school max four times without a spot. That means that I'm now stronger than I've ever been. In college, I wasn't even close to as strong as I was my senior year in high school, even when I was working out regularly. So that means that this diet I have been on is working. I did 14 pull-ups when a month ago I couldn't even do one. My cloths are getting too small now... which I thought would never happen. I feel great all the time, plenty of energy, I sleep better, I think more clearly. All around, I feel better. I'm determined to not stop here though. My short-term goal is to reach 150lbs. For my body type, that is a big deal considering that on the new year I weighed 135lbs. I'm already 10lbs heavier at 145. I'm going to have to work even harder, and be even more disciplined to get to my goal though, but it's great. I love doing it. Paul comes with me every other day, and Catherine might start coming with me too. We don't do the same things, of course, but it is good to have company and good conversation in the gym. I can get so lost when I'm there sometimes, so captivated by my struggle that I get really intense and seemingly angry. I'm not, but I know people have not come up to me before when they see me working out because they are too worried. Haha, to imagine me worrying someone else with my intensity in the gym! Silly. I'm not that kind of person at all.

So I'm looking forward to going to NC in a couple of weeks to visit family and friends in Asheville on a men's retreat from my old church. That should be pretty fun and an incredible change from the normal weekend. I look forward to that. I also will be taking my motorcycle which should prove interesting.

Peace and love.

The Shot

I wanted to take some time to write down the details of the realization of my pain today. It wasn't a brutal hopeless pain. It was more of a pain of a realization. In all of the intimacy and depth that Lindsay and I shared, I fell to my knees and cried so hard for her when she turned and walked away with complete indifference after all we had been through together. My realization was that this is how God must have felt about me this year when I chose to make all of my own decisions, completely disregarding all we had been through together. I'm not trying to say that Lindsay was wrong in what she did. We can't break things apart and wish that they be handled better than they were because they can't be. What is done is done. In all practicality, had she not left, perhaps things would have been much much worse. That is the best I can do to settle my heart over what happened, to be able to move on knowing that someone I shared so much with is no longer a part of a picture that I can see. It is the ultimate feeling of rejection, the ultimate feeling of pain, worse than death because death is greater than man's desire to stay or leave. Death choses for us. But this is a unique and deep scarring pain because it was by choice, by not being good enough, by not trying hard enough. It comes about by human error, whether in the scope of reason or outside of it.

Life will continue to be difficult and painful, and I will continue to grow more strong, more brave, and more wise. I am sorry that I fell so far away from what the Lord had planned for me. I have wasted so much time chasing my own desires. I knew from the very start, but I did it anyways. But the Lord knows how to break me for the best in me. I am reminded of my phobia of shots when I was a kid. It used to take several nurses to hold me down in order for the doctor to give me a shot. I tied myself to the waiting room chair once to get out of it, and it worked, but it wasn't for the best. The pain is going to come, but it can be such a good thing. It wasn't until I got really sick that I understood this. I remember being so sick that I begged for the shot. I wanted the pain because I knew what was going to come after it, relief. I can see Jesus in this. For my entire life he has had to hold me down to give me something for the best in me, and though I know this, I am too shallow to understand. But in great sickness I have begged for it. During the dusk of my relationship with Lindsay, I begged for it. I knew I was so far away from who I have always been, even if she and I stayed together, the man she knew was not me. She could have never known me, and I knew that more and more each day. We had no communion there.

So the pain has come. It lasts much longer than just a shot from a doctor, and it will scar to be a constant reminder, but it will heal. I will be strong again. I will be restored in believing that love does exist again. Perhaps now I can accept these trials as a gift instead of kicking and screaming.

Keep Your Faceshiled Down

Dear Nathan,

This is your right eyeball. I was writing to you in regards to tonights motorcycle ride. I enjoy it just as much as you do, I mean it really is great. But... this is awkward... how do I say this without upsetting you... You know the face shield on your helmet? Well, you know how sometimes you like to open it while you ride because you like the feel of the wind on your face? That's cool and all, but tonight I got nailed by a bug, and it got lodged under the eyelid. I'm your right eye, man. You gotta treat me with more respect than that. You know that opening your face shield during bug season is a dumb idea. Think about how hard those bugs hit your windshield when you are driving your car. Yeah, that was your right eye this time. Be smart.

Love,

Your Right Eyeball


Pretty much true. Taking a bug to the bare eyeball really hurts.

Anyways

Today was nice and all. Work went well and I got a lot accomplished on the job I was working, not to mention I got off at a normal time. That's amazing in itself. But while I was working I heard a few songs on my new ipod that brought my current state back into the picture. I felt hurt again and it took the breath out of me, but I told you it would happen this way. It happens in harmonics that get farther and farther apart from the actual explosion. I miss being missed mostly.

Second. There's still some completely insane drama surrounding my life that is kinda getting... well... dumb. Frankly, I expect it and I'm completely uninterested and unaltered, mostly because I don't think it has anything to do with me. I've changed. Of course I have. That doesn't mean anyone has to like it, but that's the way things are. Sometimes there are people in your life though that are always surrounded by a form of drama. Sometimes that's me, but speaking from experience, it's because of an addiction. At the very heart of it, most of the time it has nothing to do with the people around you. It's you yourself.

But I'm not worried. Very soon I will be out of the picture and that torch will pass to someone else. It always has and it always will. Can't think of a time where there wasn't someone on the enemy list.

I know that sounds cold. That's my problem if anything. I am very cold in these circumstances. It is rare that someone has a problem with me that I feel completely innocent from, but when I do, I am very cold and uninterested. That is a problem that I need to deal with in myself. I am aware of it, and it will be actively worked on. But this is where I am right now. Hah, I also find myself to be passive-aggressive enough to post a journal about it online. Blogfu, as I have heard it called, is meant to sneak attack the person it is directed at without alerting other readers. Stupid stuff, but I just did it. I guess I have even more changing to do.

Peace and love.

Don't Do It, It'll Make You Dumber

Interesting day. I got a traffic ticket first thing this morning because I went down a one way street the wrong way. Now I wasn't just sailing down completely unaware. I knew it was the wrong way, but the driveway I needed was just a few yards up that street and so I took the change. But... there was an officer sitting right there just delighted to pull out his magic pen and write me a traffic violation ticket. I wasn't mad. I just smiled, took it, and went on with my day.

I have great friends though. After church was over they gathered round and gave me a card for my birthday. It was on the seventh, but I was glad to just have something. My birthday isn't usually a big deal to me, but with the card and the ipod that they all chipped in to buy me, it was just a nice surprise. It made me feel special. I don't really feel special all that often.

After lunch and all that good stuff, I went to catch up with the guys who were at the park watching the larpers. Larpers are guys and girls who dress up in medieval garb and take foam swords, spears, whatever weapon, and have mock battles with rules. It looks pretty fun and the people were really great. I just watched though. Funny thing, this guy from VH1 was there and he was casting for the show "Pickup Artist". It's all about getting girls to go on dates with you. I as intrigued because he said you could win $50,000. Half way into the interview I realized what I was doing and I kinda threw it out the door. I just made myself seem very average and that was that. I don't think being on a show like that would be very becoming of my character. I don't want to "pick up" girls. I want to meet, get to know, and slowly form a relationship with a girl. And right now, I don't even know if I'm all that eager to do that. I'm still kinda on the mend.

But on the same token, I don't really feel like I need help. I'm getting plenty of attention as of late, not too sure why, but I am. I guess I just carry myself differently. Take, for example, this girl at the park. She sent her guy friend up to tell me that she was "into" me. It was kinda middleschoolish. I told him that I thought she was attractive, but that it's not really a good time for me. So he left and went to sit down. Then a few minutes later she came up to me and introduced herself and sat down trying to make small talk. I was nice to her and she was extremely attractive, but it's just not a good time for me, and that's not my style anyways. I don't know, I was thinking about it recently and all I really want is a loving, Godly woman, and I want it slow and steady. I'm in no hurry. I can wait now as long as it takes. But all that aside, I feel kind of weird having tried out for that show. Just not my style.

So right now I'm trying to get things in order. I want to establish some sense of organization before I start the week. I'm looking forward to this week being a little bit different than usual. I would like to see a few small changes on my day-to-day. I'll let you know what I'll be doing in order to make that happen.

Disconnect

100th post on this journal, and already so much has happened. You can read about it, I don't need to recap.

My heart has been extraordinarily restless this weekend. I know why. Whenever I write these kinds of journals I tend to continue such an opening statement with all of my uncertainties as to why I feel this way. I just don't know why. But I learn more and more that this is a lie that I tell myself to feel justified and content with my feelings of restlessness, like nothing I have done or has happened to me could be a valid excuse as to why. But I know, perhaps not in an entirety, but to a fuller extent than I lead on.

I'm not going to talk about all of it tonight because some of it is a secret I hold close to myself, and some of it would just bore you.

But I've changed a lot over the past few years, and I'm a realist. I think that some changes we can be proud of and some we can be rightly ashamed of. Just because you change, that doesn't make it positive. That being said, I feel that I have not changed in a positive way, in fact, I feel pretty lowly. I'm coming to grips with the fact that my last relationship was probably really unhealthy for me and it repressed me in ways that nearly extinguished the deeper passions of my heart. I almost would use the word "ruined" if I didn't believe that I could be redeemed from it all. But I have definitely ventured down a road that was by my own choosing. I know some positive things came out of it. The UN came out of World War II. But for the most part I feel incredibly distanced from who I was, and I realize the things about myself that I took for granted that I wish I could have back.

I'm dancing on a slippery slope by writing this down right now. I think I might just switch over to my private journal if I really want to express what I feel. That would be best for everyone.

Honest Answers to Why

I feel that over the past few weeks I have been capable of quiet self honesty. It is distinguishable from the usual self-slandering brokenness that I usually feel, but it is a difficult feeling to describe. Denial is the key indicator. When I deny that it is a problem, that usually means that it is a legitimate problem. Being crabby at work has been a catalyst for all forms of inner analysis. The best questions we can start with is "Why?", but you have to ask with the understanding that in order to answer that question honestly, more than likely you are going to have to delve deep beneath the surface and uncover things that you might not be cognitively aware of. So Why? I asked that question last night in my journal and thought about it for a good part of the day. What it led to was my self-centered nature. I don't care that other people are having to work hard. I care about me and my time. I want to do what I want to do, and the fact that sometimes my freedom can come into question by an entity that, in all reality, serves as a vehicle to those things that I want, well... I get frustrated and it grows like a looping signal until it peaks and I have no rational mind anymore. I only have stress, anxiety, and rage. At this place I am liable to say and do things that I would normally refrain from. It's like being an angry drunk.

But I also realize that there is a legitimate threshold for what is acceptable for a company to require of its workers, and I don't have to be trampled on. But what I find difficult to balance is my identity as a Christian in the workplace. Everyone wants to immediately reference your testimony as a believer as soon as you show backbone and say "no" to anything, the dreaded profanities of profanities. Why? I think it's because Christians are either expected to be hypocrites or total push-overs. But I reference the verse that tells you to love your neighbor as yourself, and in order to love yourself, you can't neglect yourself. Should I feel like a hypocrite if I say no? Should I say yes? I think it goes a little more personal than just a "rule of thumb". In my heart I say no because I don't want to give up on me. I have passions that aren't tied to the companies every whim. My coworker said that he did it because he thought of it as helping someone out. He sacrifices a great deal to work over-time but he likes doing it. I explained to him that I think that's fine, but in my life, in order to help one person out, I have to let down someone else. How do you make those decisions? But in all fairness, I don't think I would want to work overtime even if I weren't helping anyone out. I just want some time from day-to-day for myself.

I'm still not really sure what is fair, but there is certainly some clarity to a previously clouded picture. I think helping out when you can is great, but there are times when you should say no because you have to care for yourself and others that might not necessarily be tied to your work. I am not a work-consumed man. I don't have the capacity for it. I respect those who are, but I also respect myself.

What I Want to Do. (?)

I don't know why work is eating me up on the inside so much. I feel cheated out of my time, like working is the most unjust thing that could happen to me. I've always felt that way though, even at a young age. My mentality is that work is that thing that keeps you from doing what you really want to do. The only problem is that I don't know what it is that I really want to do. I mean I might, but right now it's mixed in with a whole bunch of other ideas. I think I just set a few too many goals for myself, and I can't possibly achieve them all. That kind of loosely focused ambition can create a quitter's mentality if you're not careful.

So, what is it that I want to do?

I want to engineer way more than I am right now, make a profession out of it, have fun doing it. Mostly I would like to do live front of house engineering. Studio work would suffice, but it can get a little cramped from day to day, not to mention that the hours are a lot more than I'm working now.

I would like to concentrate more on my art. I've been trying to write more, to express myself, to see if there is anything worth expressing artistically in my mind. I want my music to be disciplined and good, but I also don't want to veer too far from my own style. I feel a lot of pressure sometimes to be something different because I know a lot of people aren't really into my music, but if I were to stray away, then I would also potentially lose being "into" my music.

I want to work out regularly and stay healthy. I want to try and maintain a high caloric diet and get the rest I need so that I can build more muscle. I've already put on 5 pounds in the past two weeks. That's great, but I know I can do better, it's just going to take a lot of work.

I would like to discipline myself into reading more books. I find that my mind doesn't get the creative exercise it needs because, quite frankly, I don't exercise it. Who would have thought? So I would like to pick out fun books that I might be drawn to and start there. I'm reading the Life of Pi right now, but I might dumb it down a little bit. I think that I don't read so much because the books that I do read are very serious and challenging to my personal disposition.

I want to enjoy the outdoors more than I do. I want to go on weekends and hike, camp, fish, canoe, something outside. I stay in too much, and when I do go out, all I do is play frisbee. That's fun, but not exactly what I have in mind.

Over all, I just want to be more disciplined and reliable not just to myself, but to others as well. I'm working on it, but I tend to cater to myself way too much, and that's a habit hard to break.

Peace and love.

Gray Lives

Sometimes simple words in passing can really dig deep inside my mind where they amplify in meaning and I dwell on them. Or maybe they spark other thoughts that lead me down an entire chain of branching ideas and revelations. This is important because it prevents me from resting in the commonplace of mediocre thought, and it inspires me to do more with myself. The only real difficulty is maintaining a love for one's self when dissecting every self-defining characteristic in the pursuit of finding individual meaning and identity and then relaying that back to the Universal Truth, God.

I feel an incredible amount of tension when I am alone because my thoughts have a voluminous presence. I can quickly become my own accuser, turn around, and objectify even myself. It is bad enough to objectify someone else. None of us are that trivial. There is always something seemingly convincing about us that makes us do the things we do because we have the aptitude for building up a case around ourselves as to sell the rest of the world the idea that what we do is completely legitimate. In short, we live gray lives. Nothing anyone does is black and white. It is a complex formula.

If I am alone, I can get lost in this formula. It's like swallowing your own head in a way, only it is more absurd than difficult. What I desire is peace of mind. The ability to still maintain a deep level of focus and thought without objectifying and getting lost in my own condition. I desire to not feel sorry for myself either. I want to believe in myself and what I want. I want to know what I want, and I want the focus and depth to reach after it. I want to live a satisfying and selfless life. To many people such an ideal is a waste of time, but to me it is still possible.

I'm dozing off right now. I need my sleep. Goodnight.

Letting Go

It's hard for me to get rid of some of the little things I keep lying around my room, in drawers, closets, under my bed etc. It is hard because I tend to equate or assign everything with a memory, and if I get rid of that particular item, I am getting rid of the memory. I must just need a reminder. Maybe I'm afraid that if I don't have these things there, I will forget everything. How much do I value my memory?

But then there lies the question, "What would actually happen if I got rid of those things?" And because I have such a curious nature, I itch to find out. Perhaps I will only get rid of a few items in question, or maybe more. I just need to learn to let go sometimes. That, as we all know, is hard for me.

I was able to let go of Becca after five years. Sometimes I still think about her, where she is and what she is doing, and I hope she is doing well. But I don't long for her like I used to. It was hard to rid myself of the ideal of what I thought love should be, and unfortunately it carried her face. Nothing about it was realistic or even close to true about who she was as a person, but for some reason I attached that struggle to her.

Letting go of Catherine a few years back was a violent time for me emotionally. But we were never that intimate to begin with, and when she went to France for a year, I was able to heal quickly. Now I couldn't be happier that she is marrying Matt this October. I see their love and I know that it is real, and I will be by them whenever they need me.

There are going to be certain parts of me that are really going to have a hard time letting go of Lindsay, but there are certain things that I have moved completely beyond. Trying not to attach her to an ideal is a current struggle. I have to keep reminding myself that she wasn't a shining emblem of what a girlfriend should be when in a relationship with a despicable man like myself. That's not true. I wasn't all that bad, and she wasn't on the verge of perfection. As far as the comfort of having her around, that feeling is quickly fading to a close. I must be honest when I say that I've been using that to fuel my drive in the gym. I've already gained a few pounds, and I'm going for more. But there are worse things I could be doing with my time. Working out makes me think more clearly and it puts me in a better mood. But I'm proud of myself thus far. Amidst the fact that she was the closest woman to my heart, when she left me like that, I didn't retaliate. I didn't try to make her feel miserable. I didn't try to hurt her and destroy her like all of the previous girls. Instead I stood there and let her ease the knife in. It hurt a lot worse, standing still like that, but pick your poison. Do you want the healing to be quick or slow?

So if you know me, if you have known me for many years and you know how my heart works, it wouldn't make much sense for you to expect me to be healed by now. I'm far too screwed up for that, but I also love that about myself. I love that I have problems and that I think to the point of losing touch with reality, and I'm ready for what is next.

Laid Out

I've got it all laid out in front of me. All I have to do is decide if I want it or not. I have people around me waiting, wanting for me to succeed. I can get it if I want it. I'm capable. I just lack the focus. If I could discipline myself to focus on one thing, I know I could achieve greatness. I know I could accomplish my dreams. So I'm in the face of discipline as we speak. I just got back from training my body to lift weight heavier than I thought possible. If I can discipline myself in that way, what is to stop me from the other fields.

I have been blessed. I have never wanted for anything. I have always achieved what I set my eyes towards, and I have overcome a great deal of opposition in my life. Most of it comes from myself, my failure to act, my desire for comfort. Some of it has come from other people but in more subtle forms. Sometimes even people who are close to you don't want you to succeed because it will change things. I've even been guilty of that myself.

What is success? In my opinion it has nothing to do with more money, moving up, whatever. It mostly deals with your ability to grasp that which makes you truly happy. And what is happiness? I know I said I wouldn't go into it the other day, but I can tell you what it isn't, or at least what Aristotle thought it wasn't. He believed that happiness wasn't a moment of excitement or joy, but a lifestyle, lived out every day. I tend to agree with him. Happiness has got to be a lifestyle, not a fleeting human emotion based on immediate circumstances.

But figuring out what makes you truly happy takes a large chunk of your life to figure out, and once you have figured it out, then comes the sacrifice. You can't have one thing without sacrificing another. You can't serve two masters.

I think that what makes us happy is our calling on this earth. I know that such an opinion can't be held to a universal standard because a good portion of the world doesn't even believe in a "calling." But I feel like I'm on the verge of mine. It's down to just a few more things... then again, maybe I'm way off. I'll find out soon thought, either way.

Low Appeal

Wouldn't be a night in my life if I went to bed without doing all the things I set out to do this morning. I'm not down or anything, way too many endorphins in my blood for that, but I'm under the gun right now. Uncle Sam and The Man both want my ass right now, and they don't want to share.

But I have small joys going all around me. I'm trying my best to get in shape again, and I'm having huge gains and alterations in my body. It's great, but it hurts. I'm going to work out harder and more intently than I ever have before. I'm eating more, I'm gaining weight, I'm going to work out my legs just so my ass is a little bit bigger for Sam and The Man. My body is starting to produce more testosterone from all of the growing, so I'm getting more hair on my face and I have to shave more often. Good times. I love to see (good) changes in my body.

Confidence wise, I'm having a hard time. I'm not so worried about the ladies because I'm getting more attention, especially now that I'm single, but I'm not playing with it really. I have no desire to as of now. I have met a few new girls though and I'm really enjoying getting to know them. But at work I'm getting pretty frustrated. I feel like no matter how hard I work or how good of a job I do, I've always got someone breathing down my neck, someone unsatisfied, and someone wanting me to do more work. I flat out told someone "No" today and I was pretty blunt about it. I told them that I was putting in enough over time and that I had no interest in putting in anymore. I'm also getting a bit testy with the guys that are breathing down my neck. I've snapped at a few of them just to let them know that they can't push me around just because I'm the youngest guy there. My eyes are starting to wander too. I'm doing a great deal of thinking as to how I might switch careers if need be. It's always good to have a back up plan.

But I've been thinking more on the extremes. I was looking at the Peace Corp, thinking that I might enjoy doing that. I either want in the music business or I want to go abroad. I'm young and I'm experienced with travel, so I feel pretty confident that I could do it. It's just that working for Corporate America has no appeal to me. Making lots of money has no appeal either. I want to make enough money and that's about it. People just seem so thirsty for more, and I have started coming out of that. I was there when I got out of college, but the past several months have shown me that there's so much more than just "more". Lots of it doesn't really involve money either. I want to travel and see the world, but not as a tourist. That's lame. I want to be underneath it all. But there are some financial things that I have to take care of first, and I feel confident that I'll find a way to do that. I've become a lot more conscious of my spending as of late, and I've been making more money. So all in all, I'm keeping more. My goal is to pay my way out of all of my debt, and then unleash my dreams.

It'll be a while, but a good while, spent in meditation and discerning over the things that really drive me. I don't feel bound to anything anymore. I could walk out tomorrow and not look back, and it's great.

Persuit of Passion

I'm faced with so many options right now, none of which are very practical, but what if I made them practical? What I struggle with is expectation, and it doesn't seem to jive with what I see as happiness. I'm not going to go into the philosophical rabbit hole of what happiness is other than to say that I don't know if it could be defined as one thing if defined at all, but we all want it, and we spend every waking hour trying to find it.

The mixed signals come from every-day immersion. Our economy thrives off of the hunt for happiness. Everyone is trying to sell you the next fix, whatever works, what makes you happy. If you can work harder then you might be able to make more money to be able to afford the things that will make you feel secure and complete.

Bullshit.

But I eat it every day. Can I really help it if I was born into it? My high school principle used to favor group punishment because he said "We all live in the same world." To me that means that we're all a part of it and we're all responsible in some way, shape, or form. As a Christian, I am forgiven for being a part of it. The way we treat other people that we may not know, our lack of compassion, all of the safety that we build up around ourselves. God wants us to be safe, right? I don't know. I mean most of the disciples were crucified themselves, Paul was imprisoned, I just don't see how being a Christian means you should be careful. And what part of Christianity isn't radical? I'm not saying it's everyone's calling to see what I see, but I see it none the less. What pisses me off to near violence is when people write my passion off as youthful vigor. As true as that may be, maybe this world could use some of it. It makes some people bitter and angry. I suspect that's because radicalism throws their entire life into question. I know I get mad when someone comes up to me after I've worked hard on something, only to question it. But I'm not doing that, other than writing in my journal and trying to live my life. I make people angry with what I care about, and that makes me angry. Randy was observing people's reaction to realistic magic from guys like David Blane, the kind of magic that really asks the question "How did that happen?!?" with no seemingly reasonable answer. He said that people freak out because when they can't explain something, when they can't come up for a reason as to how the laws of their existence were broken, it turns their entire world upside-down and rains inquiry over everything they thought was concrete. So you get a bunch of Ben Franklins running around. Ben Franklin took the Bible and cut out all of the miracles that Jesus performed because they were too radical to believe. That's how I feel about the people that piss on my parade. They do it because they don't want my passions to upset what they know about themselves and their successes and shortcomings.

I talk a lot though. I think that's where my scoffers gain the credibility to say what they say and belittle me. I talk a lot. Perhaps I should do something about what I believe. Perhaps I should stop marching with the thousands of malcontents of my generation and actually do something instead of bitching about how it should be done.

But what I don't want to be is bitter. I know that our natural tendency is to be a professional on everyone else but ourselves. I do it all the time. I make broad generalizations and I objectify people as if they were bugs kept in a jar on the desk of a curious child. I feel safe when my bugs are in my jars. But I don't even know myself. How could I know the inner workings of others? I can only do that by degrading them into a simplicity that I can master. We make people predictable and simple. You can't do that and love at the same time. It won't work. But I know people objectify me. Every day I am subject to the criticism and mastery of someone else's wisdom and understanding of how I approach my life. Granted, we all have our own insight in certain areas, but few are the times when our true insight is what we base our judgment on. It is much easier to base judgment off of bitterness, envy, anger, insecurity, sadness, pain, depression, personal fear, shame, and disbelief. And what is more, it brings a shameful and secret sense of joy when we can stop someone else from chasing and potentially reaching the passions that we once tried to find but failed to discover. We do it because it makes us feel normal, like we haven't failed at all.

And perhaps I will fail. Many of us feel a calling for something that we just can't reach in all practicality, but my failure to reach my goals and dreams will not be because I listened to the reasoning of old and bitter men. I will only stop when God Himself makes it impossible.

So I'm going to dwell on that for a while. I'm going to go into a season of meditation and prayer on what I should do, because what I am currently doing is dissatisfying as hell only because I know I was made with a much higher purpose. I know this about myself and I believe it about everyone else. But for whatever reason, we tone those fires down in our hearts because we have so little as it is. What if we were to even lose that?


The sun was out today and I spent time in it. I am ignited again.

What Will I Sell Myself To?

I was encroaching upon new questions today in my head inspired by a movie I saw yesterday. "Into the Wild" has to be one of the most inspirational movies I've seen in a long time. It challenged me with ideas pertaining to the imposed importance of my being here where I am now. I'm trying to ask my self all sorts of new questions in my private journal, answering them to the best of my ability. They are simple sounding questions, but they take a lot of honesty and effort to answer accurately. I guess you can't be too terribly accurate with "Who am I", "What do I want", and "Where am I going". It's a deep pit that you can get lost in as it continuously changes and warps and consistently remains utterly inconsistent, so much as to limit not just your understanding of your surroundings, but of yourself.

Perhaps it isn't like that for everyone, but it certainly feels that way for me. I think maybe God is just trying to break my pride in that, to get me to depend more on Him. But what I want to know right now is, beyond all of those things, what would make me happy, my "call" if you will?
Right now I just get frustrated when I look to others because they have that glint of the desire for freedom in their eyes, but they were sucked in by social responsibility. What am I to make of that? Should I just give up, give in, and jump in line? Such huge questions to ask, all at the same time, during the same phase of life that so many other people are asking the same questions. Life gets exponentially shorter as time goes on. What do we do with that?

Everyone will be a slave to something. We're a slave to physics at the very least, no matter what we believe. What will I be a slave to? I'm selling myself right now, putting myself up on the blocks.

Saying No to Fast Food

I'm in a bad place. My diet is not good at all. I watched "Supersize Me" last night and it really had a big impact on how I view fast food, which is what I eat a lot of being that I go out to eat with coworkers almost every day. So I went to the grocery store today and bought a bunch of healthy things, but some of that was TV dinners. It's healthy TV dinners, so it's okay, but still... TV dinners.

I think they had something when they pointed out that fatty diets can cause depression and anxiety. I felt a lot of that today probably because I was overworked again, and I just hate it. I want to have a life when I get home. I want to be able to do stuff. And people are always like "well you're making more money." I don't care! I've never associated work with making money. Work is that thing I do that keeps me from doing the things that I really feel passionate about. That's work. I remember in school when it was summer and all of my friends just had fun all of the time and I had a job. I hated that. I'm still bitter about that I guess.

There's a random clanking noise going on behind my wall... and it is going to drive me crazy.

So here are the things I need to do in the next couple of days. Taxes, look for a new place to live, start throwing out crap that I've been keeping for no reason at all... I'd also like to pick up some methods of stress management. I've been listening to a lot of Bob Marley lately. He's got a lot of uplifting stuff. I think I might burn my Cake album to a CD too, just to have one more thing that is bright and cheery in my car while I drive to and from places.

Need to get my hair trimmed just to keep it manageable.

Good night.

It Felt Like Death. It Comes in Waves.

The past few days have been really hard on me, and I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps I tried to bury a lot of my anxieties before they were completely dealt with. Whatever the case may be, my head has been swimming, and not very well.

I want to say that what I feel is completely unreasonable, but it isn't. It wouldn't be life if things like this just went away. Feels like she had a pretty easy time of that though. I wish I could have shoved my emotions out the door so easily, not thinking once about the past six months of my life, the time spent during those six months, not even having the slightest bit of remorse. She wanted me to think she was strong, but that seemed a bit over-compensative if you ask me. On the other hand, she knew me more deeply than any one else, and I think she knew exactly how to hurt me the most. One of those girls who would take advantage of my deepest insecurity. I thought I knew her better than that. I thought she cared more than that. I honestly believed that she loved me, but all in all, I was just another trend for her. Something fun to pass the time in Nashville. One more thing in her life that she got really excited about, but then decided to move on when it lost it's thrill. Perhaps she thought of me as ending up being like her last boyfriend. But what is consistent about that picture? Maybe that guy and me would've gotten along. Maybe she tore him down like she'll probably tear me down to her next boyfriend.

But here's the question that I'm sure you're all asking.

Why do I care? Why do I torment myself with these thoughts? Wasn't it mutual?

Yes. It was. I just can't remember exactly why. I know there were reasons as to why that relationship was hurting me. I know there were good reasons as to why it should have ended a lot sooner. I just don't remember them. Why that is? I don't know. It's like she's dead. And with the dead we tend to not dwell on the bad things about them, unless they were mass murderers or something like that. But being that she's out of my life forever, and a few days before I would have told her that I loved her, but then she just tore off and I'll never see her again. Being that it happened that way, my heart is so heavy. It happened like death.

So no matter how mutual it was, no matter how much I can speak ill of her if I dig deep enough down, no matter how much I try, I am the one who, in her eyes, looses, because I am the one filled with hurt that can't be evaded. She wins if she wants it. I concede. I am in pain. As mutual as it was, and I'm sure as right as it all plays out to be, I don't think I'll ever be able to be as cold as she was. I don't think I'll ever look back on the end of it all and smile. She got rid of me so much easier than she got rid of her dog.

So that's enough of that for one night. I just needed to spit all of that out because I'm tired of holding it in, even if some of it is a little intense and unjustly bitter. I know a lot of people don't understand, and I wouldn't understand either if I wasn't me. I am moving on, I really am. Most days I am happy and looking forward to the future and what is to come. Most days. But for the past few days I have really just been mostly in pain. I haven't slept much because she has been haunting in me in my dreams. I've been taking sleep aids for the past two nights so it hasn't been as bad, but before, she was everywhere I went. She didn't say anything, do anything, other than stand there and look straight ahead. I'm pretty sure my friends are sick of hearing about it, and the Lord is allowing me to continue to go through this pain, so I suppose I will with hope at least. It will come in waves though. I know that about my pain. It comes in waves. I will be fine for a while, and then I will be hit. And then it spreads out, and then I will be hit again.

I think the worst of it was today, so it should start to dissipate. I won't be afraid to talk about it though. Be annoyed if you want.

What really happened today? I drove Mitch's motorcycle that he just bought back from a farm in Lebanon (the city). It's a few years older than I am, but it runs. Not too good on highways as it is not quite as heavy as mine and it doesn't have the acceleration, but I think it will be a good bike for him to have around the city given the right amount of sweat and grease. I got nervous, as I'm sure he did to, when I lost power on I-40. I pulled over and looked it over. I thought it had just overheated because it wasn't used to going 70, but it turns out that the guy didn't put enough gas in it to get us home. I hit the fuel reserve and we were able to get to the gas station behind my house. From there we filled up and drove to his. It also would cut the engine if you held in the clutch. Not good if you're going really fast to have to re-start your bike. I did though and by the end of the trip, it was able to idle without dying. I just don't think the previous owner rode it too much.

I'm on a new job-site as well. Unfortunately I'm going to be overworked on this one too, but I need to do it as a servant. I can't always serve at things I like doing. Sometimes we have to serve in areas that we don't really enjoy. All in all, I'll at least see some money out of it. I'm hitting the sack though. Got a long week ahead of me.